Black Cloud

I have been struggling with things over the past few days, I must confess. There is no particular reason why, I just seem to be mired in my own thoughts and finding everything ten times more difficult to do than normal. I'm always going to be honest about this stuff, as too many people put on masks that hide what they're truly going through, and if me being honest inspires someone else to be honest when they're having a rough time, then that's great. So here I am - surrounded by sunshine, bathed in warmth, doing a job I love, father to two incredible boys, and with a supportive wife who is somehow with me despite being the most amazing woman I have ever met and far out of my league - and yet I'm still feeling crap. Mental health is a curious thing, and I've studied it lots and I've spoken to experts and I've chatted with lots of long-term sufferers and still I can't even begin to get one per cent of my head around it. Why do some people feel the same way every day with barely any change to their mood, whilst others can be extremely up and down as often as they're feeling stable? Why can some people deal with cancer with barely a drop in their hopefulness, while others can pick up Covid and sink into a 3-week despair? Why can I go months on end without finding anything difficult, and then suddenly have a 3-day spell where putting on a pair of socks takes every inch of mental effort I can muster? Is it, as suspected, the pace of the modern world and our inability as cavemen to cope with the onset of technology? Are there too many people to compare ourselves to and therefore more opportunities for self-criticism? Are we obsessed with happiness and contentment these days, and any moment where we don't feel we are 'living our best life' we are going to feel unfulfilled and worthless?
I don't know. But I do know that trying to work this stuff out is just adding darkness into an already dark mood. The more I think about it, and the more I try to think my way out of it, the more my thoughts are stuck in it and the longer it tends to go on, and the deeper I'm likely to sink. Past experiences of this kind tell me that I need to accept it and relax into it, and let it pass. Which it will. And in the meantime, I can be good to myself by drinking lots of water, eating well, getting on with what's in front of me, keeping it in the moment, and doing the things I know I enjoy.
So I am now going to put on one of my favourite movie soundtracks and get on with writing some reports.

RC 27-4-26