Best thing I've ever said

My spirits were lifted today by a confidence-boosting moment of self-appraisal.
I had the misfortune to be sitting in the canteen at lunchtime with one of the new ‘graduate fast-track management trainee specialists’ - a pumped-up, pompous pig of a woman called Rebecca. This was only an hour after I had finished my ‘attitude review’ meeting with three people from HR.  Our company policy is that all internal investigations are kept strictly and totally confidential, so obviously every other employee on site knew about the complaint against me. Rebecca looked down her nose at me and asked me how it went; betraying for not one second any real concern for my professional wellbeing, but showing a delivery-truck-sized portion of nosiness and gossip-gathering intent. I offered a reply that gave her as little information as possible, only for her to sneer and say “I’m surprised you didn’t make more of an effort to look good. I’d have thought you’d have wanted to make the best impression possible.”
I took a deep breath, resisted the urge to cave her face in with a pepper grinder, and said something along the lines of: “That’s because you’ve fallen into the stereotypical Western trap of equating looking smart with being smart. You’re conditioned to expect a scruffy person to have a scatty mind. But just because you’re better dressed than me, doesn’t mean you’re better suited to management. And just because I was too busy to pick up a razor this morning, doesn’t mean I’m unable to do my job. Being clean-shaven is not a sign of being clear-headed. While you spent an hour on your appearance this morning, I spent an hour inventing ways to increase our revenue. Don’t ever judge my abilities by my appearance.”
And I left.

The meeting went fine, by the way. No further action to be taken, and apologies for any upset it might have caused me.  

RC 30-9-16

Charitable/Uncharitable

I’ve used the word ‘maybe’ far too much in recent blog postings, so I’m hereby pledging to not type that word again, at least until the end of this month. If you spot it anywhere in my writings before 1st October I will give £100 to the charity of your choice. As long as it’s not Age Concern UK, as I’m sick of them stopping me in the street for donations every time I go to a city. I’m not giving them bastards a penny. 

RC 27-9-16

End in sight?

I’ve had lots of support over this ridiculous ‘investigation’ thing.  Mac - the Welshman who originally did my management training - called today and asked for the gory details. I said “I’m embarrassed to say nothing happened. She asked me my opinion on the new flavour of Doritos and completely misheard my reply.”
He sighed and said “God, that’s boring. I was hoping you might have punched her or called her a pissy old hag or something.”
I said “Believe me mate, I wish I had.”
Anyway, the HR department seem more perturbed than concerned, and it looks likely she’ll get a letter from Head Office and that will be that. But it’s likely to leave a sour taste in the mouth. I’ve done really well for this company since I’ve been here and the second some old harrigan calls me an arsehole they jump to attention and start assuming it’s true. 
Maybe, yet again, it’s time to think about making better use of myself and my degree.
(And maybe, yet again, I’ll look around for a few days and then realise I’m too lazy to step out of this comfort zone)

RC 26-9-16

Aches and pains and aches, etc, ad infinitum

I’m feeling incredibly tired today and I’m not sure why. Maybe one of the many colds and viruses that have been flying around since the start of the school year has invaded my system and is slowly taking over. It wouldn’t surprise me. Everyone else has been picking on me recently, why shouldn’t they?
It might be the whole stress of the stupid on-off “we’re-going-to-make-you-open-all-night-oh-no-we’re-not” pantomime nonsense at work, or it might be this lingering pissflap bullshit rigmarole about that haggardly old woman and her complaint about me. Or maybe it’s a combination of all those factors. Or maybe it’s just a case of me being tired, and that’s all it is. A day of rest and an early night and I might be right as rain.
Shame we’re off for a swim and a surf later…..  

Just as a side note - the autocorrect/spellcheck thing on this computer keeps changing the word ‘pissflap’ to ‘payslip.’ God I hate computers. 

RC 25-9-16

Carnal amnesia

Philippa helped me forget my work worries by keeping me in bed all morning then taking me out for lunch. She didn’t know she was helping me forget something as I decided not to discuss it with her. The situation is laughable but she wouldn’t see it that way. She’d blow it up out of proportion and start to panic and in an instant she’d have me sacked and living on the streets by Christmas. So I chose to neglect to inform her and I would ask you to do the same. Please respect my decision to keep my wife completely in the dark about something that might have a massive negative impact on our lives and our futures.
(I think I’m slowly getting the hang of this marriage thing!)

RC 24-9-16

Hard of hearing hell

Thank God it’s the weekend. 
The last two days have hit me in the face with a situation that is so unfathomably stupid, and yet so astronomically stressful, that it’s had my head spinning in ten different directions at once.
A woman at the supermarket has made a complaint about me. This has happened before, several times, and sometimes they had a point, but this is ridiculous. Have you ever noticed the similarity between the phrases “It’s a bit cheesy” and “You’re a bitch who’s easy”? No, neither have I, and neither, I would suspect, have the other 7 billion people on this planet. Except one. And this trouser-wearing, hearing-aid-avoiding, Daily-Mail-reading, feminist, mentally-deficient arsehole-of-the-greatest-magnitude wants me to get sacked for being rude and offensive. And because our weak-minded, lily-livered, backs-to-the-wall, scared-of-their-own-shadows-let-alone-the-threat-of-bad-publicity managers are determined to take ‘every customer at their word’ I’m under threat of suspension and not allowed to enter the supermarket pending the results of an investigation.
What a load of old shite.
So I’m happy to be off now until 10am Monday.
They can investigate the hairs in their own armpits for all I care, I’m going to enjoy my weekend.

RC 23-9-16

Lazy list

THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO, EVEN THOUGH IT’S GETTING COLDER AND DARKER:

Bonfire Night
Christmas
Wedding Anniversary Snuggles

RC 22-9-16

Some independent paragraphs

It’s got decidedly chillier in the last couple of days. Was it really only a week ago we were baking in 30 degree heat? And no-one could sleep because the nights were so muggy? Last night I couldn’t sleep because my feet were too cold. Funny how quickly things can change. 

We’re all doing Movember at work this year, and encouraging customers to join our team. I haven’t set a target, but if we can’t get several multiples of a four figure sum I’ll be disappointed in myself, and everyone.

Surprise of surprises, the upgrades on the garage have been postponed. Don’t ask me why, because I can’t be bothered to go through it all with you. But suffice to say I wasted a lot of time writing reports the other week as they “absolutely had to have them immediately” and now the whole thing is likely to stay “on the backboard” til January. And I bet they’ll be asking me to write new reports about it in December, when we’re really busy, even though the ones I wrote in August would still be relevant. Hey, ho, fun and games, etc. 
At least it means that weird girl who got turned on by the smell of petrol won’t be working here for a few months yet….

RC 20-9-16

(sic.)

Yes, I know. I spelt Mediterranean wrong yesterday. That bastard interfering Spellcheck thing was even telling me it was wrong when I first wrote it but I was convinced it was wrong and I was right.  It’s the heat, you see. It affects us all in different ways. Some people sweat more or get tired; I become arrogant and lose my ability to spell. And even though it’s cooler today, that may be continuing. I’m not completely unconvinced that I haven’t just used ‘affects us all’ when I should have used ‘effects’ with an E.
The good thing is I don’t care. People who get arsey about grammar are people I place on a par with people who say global warming is a myth and people who have Chinese language tattoos but are English.

RC 17-9-16

Meditteranean Nights

My fitness levels have suffered a bit, mainly because this week it’s been too hot to go cycling. I’ll remind you that it’s the middle of September, then I’ll repeat that line again: IT’S BEEN TOO HOT TO GO CYCLING!! Amazing. I went into work early today. I was being a wonderful boss and covering someone’s shift so they could go to the dentist (or something, I can’t remember.) So I started at 6am. I walked out to my car at 5.40 and it was as hot as you would expect a mid-September day to be at midday. And I mean a really unseasonably HOT mid-September day. The news people on the radio - who seem convinced we are as interested in the comparison between the temperatures in the UK and other countries as we are in the comparison between boys and girls exam results - say we’ve been hotter this week than most of Spain, parts of North Africa and Mexico.
Who gives a shit? We’re not there, we’re here. And I can just enjoy the wonderful weather because we’ve got it, I don’t need to sweeten the deal by going ’Ha, ha. We’re hotter than you’ to some mystery faraway foreigner who a) couldn’t give a flying fig, b) isn’t aware of me anyway, and c) has better weather than us 355 days a year. 
Sorry if that sounded moany - I blame the heat.

RC 15-9-16

Next time I'll keep my mouth shut

I really regret yesterdays blog. I thought it was a nice, sweet, genuine appraisal of one of those things that make our time on this dying planet more bearable. Trouble is, one of Philippa’s mates forwarded it to her with a comment saying “Look who’s sounding broody!!??!!?” So now my wife is following me around as if I’m desperate to impregnate her immediately.
Which I’m not.
The sex part I’m interested in. That would be great. But the nine months of mood swings and the lifetime of expensive parenting that follows is the bit that puts me off.

RC 14-9-16

truth

There is no happier sound than the squiggle of delight from a small child being pushed on a swing.

RC 13-9-16

Beer is bad

I got really drunk last night. It was one of those occasions when the drunkenness creeps up on you as well. I didn’t start the evening with the intention of getting hammered, I just opened a bottle of a new beer range the supermarket has started stocking and it went down so well that I thought it was rude to only drink one. Every so often I’d nip back to the fridge for another, so now I have a neat little pile of bottle tops on the worktop and a neat little pain in the top of my head. It’s not just down to a hangover - I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up with my neck twisted at an angle that must have made me look like a victim of a mugging.
So today will be a day of orange juice, Netflix and drumming. But without the drumming. 

RC 10-9-16

Real people are so weird

I had a strange conversation with a customer today who insisted on telling me that supermarket  garages make her feel sexy. She said “These places have a unique aroma and I have to tell you it REALLY turns me on.”
At first I got a little surge of excitement thinking that she might have been attracted to me and this was her way of letting me know without directly approaching me, but then it became clear that she was just insane. “It’s that strange combination of cleaning fluids, petrol and pastries that just seems to set me racing,” she said.
For some reason - and I will spend a lot of time tonight trying to work out what that reason was so I can avoid it cropping up again in the future - I said “Well maybe you should think about working here. We’ll be needing staff for the night shift soon.”
So she went off with a huge smile and an application form, and I made a mental note of her name so I can warn Head Office not to employ her under any, ANY circumstances.

RC 8-9-16

...by Dec 31st, or else...

I’ve decided to set myself some little challenges to achieve between now and the end of the year. I feel like I’m drifting a little at the moment, and when I’m not drifting I’m being driven along on a path not of my choosing; one that is dictated by Head Office. In a desperate attempt to wrest some control over my own life I’m setting out to do these things:
Have a holiday abroad. 
Do a 50-mile-in-one-day cycle ride.
Shave my head. 
Read a Harry Potter book.
Spend a weekend in London with Philippa.
I’m not expecting myself to achieve all 5, but if I can tick 3 of those off the list over the next three-and-a-half months I’ll be happy. Or at least happier. I think. And if I’m not, then I’ll try something else, (as long as it involves an external distraction rather than actually looking inside myself for the solution to my problems.)

RC 7-9-16

Today I regret my good nature

We have a toilet in the back of the garage that is supposed to be for staff only. Head Office don’t believe we should let customers use it as they (Head Office)are worried that they (the customers) might fall over something and hurt themselves or wander around helping themselves to our stock. They also think we should direct customers into the store itself to use the toilets there as they think the customers might spend a few quid while they’re over there. You can clearly see it happening - “Ooh, I’m busting for a piss, and once I’ve finished I think I’ll buy that half a cucumber I spotted in the veg section.”
Anyway, I let the customers use it. Not all the time, and not in any advertised way, but if someone asks I’ll do the gentlemanly thing and let them go ahead. I don’t see the point in annoying them by following company protocol when I could offer good customer service and possibly persuade them to come back again.  
Today I foolishly let one of our regulars - a delivery van driver of many tattoos and not many brain cells - ‘borrow the loo for a quick one’ (his words, not mine.)
I should have spotted my error when he grabbed a copy of The Sun from our newspaper rack and took it with him round the back without paying for it. Ten minutes later he emerged, placed The Sun (still unpaid for) back where he got it from and, as he walked past me on the way to the door, loudly proclaimed “Man I forgot that I hadn’t cut my nails this week. My index finger looks like an owls talon. Went right through the paper while wiping. Now I have a bleeding scrape up my arse and a lump of shit under my fingernail.”
I wanted to tell him that kind of comment was more suited to a building site than a filling station but I was too distracted by the fact that he was resting his hands on my counter.

RC 6-9-16

Things to worry about at midnight..

Should I be scared by the fact that I was listening to a radio programme about The Great Fire of London while writing blog post number 1666?
It wouldn’t normally bother me, perhaps, but in a week where I’ve been discombobulated by car problems and suffering a bout of insomnia, it seems to have built into something big in my mind and taken root in the part of my brain that deals with fear. 
I always get paranoid when I haven’t slept, and I’m now convincing myself that it can’t be a mere coincidence that just as the radio man mentioned the date of the fire I hit a button on the computer that brought up the number 1666. Even typing that number now has brought me out in a cold sweat. (Although that might be the extreme amount of coffee I’ve drunk to counteract the effects of the weariness)
Is there a government conspiracy? Am I being targeting by a combination of the Radio 4 scheduling department and my own sub-conscience? You might say this can all be explained by a lack of sleep, but I’m going to wrap my head in tin foil and sleep with a rolling pin, just in case………..
If you never hear from me again, THEY’VE GOT ME!!; And they’ll come for you too!!!!

RC 5-9-16

Foodfax

Here are a few more tru-isms from Rory’s World of Catering:

Jacket spuds taste better with butter on
Coleslaw is better with cheese in it
Bolognaise with a pasta other than spaghetti is awful
Grilled toast is better than toast from a toaster
Breakfast cereal tastes nicer when you have it in the evening

RC 4-9-16

Salad certainty

I know different people have different tastes, and most things to do with food come down to a matter of opinion, but this is an undeniable truth: Celery tastes better when you dip it in salt. I don’t know why, but it does. It just does. And I don’t want to hear any of anyones “it’s bad for your blood pressure” or “it’s just as tasty without” because those arguments are specious at best. I respect everybody’s right to have their own ideas, but if you don’t agree with me on this one you’re simply wrong.  You’re a misguided, misanthropic wrong ’un. There aren’t many absolutes in life, but this one is as absolute as it gets: CELERY TASTES BETTER WHEN YOU DIP IT IN SALT.
Fact.

RC 3-9-16

Forecourt facelift

Head Office are happy with my suggestion to spruce up the whole of the garage at the same time as adapting our kiosk. They’re even prepared to shut us down for 2 days to get the work done in one go, rather than try to keep us open on a building site. 
This ‘overnight opening’ thing could actually be swinging in my favour!

RC 2-9-16

Too many hyphens?

Got my car back. Finally. After 48 hours of phone calls and fobbings-off and parts-lost-in-the-post and bullshit, I am back with four wheels, but minus three hundred pounds. I hate cars almost as much as I hate people who make money selling insurance for cars. 
But let’s not dwell on that…
It’s a new month, and it still feels like Summer, and the forecast is good for the next few weeks, and October and November have been beautifully mild for the last couple of years, and there’s no reason to think they won’t be again, so there are plenty of things to be optimistic about. Even for a cynical old dyed-in-the-wool depression-prone pessimist like me. 

RC 1-9-16