Little stinger

Quick haiku about an incident that happened today:

Bumblebee in car
Trapped, frantic, buzzing psycho
Driver shat himself

See you in July..

RC 30-6-13

Life is better when women's tennis is on..

I had a wonderful conversation today with a customer at the shop. He’s nearly sixty and has just married a girl who looks about 22 and speaks very little English.
He told me “My family are refusing to speak to me. They call her my ‘Thai bride.’ They say I bought her from some horrible website in Asia and she’s only here to spend my money and get free healthcare. But they couldn’t be more wrong. She’s from Hawaii.”
Good luck to him, I say.

RC 26-6-13

Long live Tenspeak

We had our monthly manager’s meeting at work today, and when I had to give my little speech about our department I DID IT ALL IN TEN-WORD SENTENCES!! It took me nearly all day to write the bloody thing, but the sense of achievement I felt after the meeting was incredible.
Next month I might do it all in iambic pentameter.

In other news, I have finally put TheLoveMachine up for sale officially. I’ve put a poster up at work, and I’ve advertised it on a VW-lovers website. It’ll break my heart to lose her, but it’ll break my wallet if I keep her, so the time has come to move on.  Phiippa is very proud of me and has offered to help me look for a replacement.  I’ve pointed out that if I quit work and become a stay-at-home husband I won’t need a car at all but she hasn’t really gone for that idea.  There is, I must confess, a nice little Rover I’ve got my eye on near the bus station.  9 months MOT, diesel engine, full service history, and all for just £1200. Do I almost sound like I know what I’m talking about???

RC 25-6-13

Let me share a little Thought For The Day with you..

If God had meant for Man to be happy, he wouldn’t have created Management.

RC 24-6-13

Lovely new hobby

I’ve really gone for these ‘10-word sentences’ in a big way. At first, it was fun to try and sum up a day’s events in a concise way. Then I took it a step further and starting composing my own 10-word philosophical musings. Now I’ve taken it into my work life and I’m trying to write out reports and fill in order specifications using only 10 words at a time. I might start only communicating this way with everyone - even with spoken conversational encounters! I’ll have to come up with a name for it - “Decadence” perhaps (from combination of ‘deca’ and ‘cadence’… I’m so clever sometimes) or maybe “Tenspeak”
Leave it with me, and in the meantime, I’ll try and decide whether it would be too hard a challenge to do an entire blog entry using only 10-word sentences.

RC 23-6-13

Last nights blog was such fun to write, I thought I'd do the same tonight..

I spent the solstice drinking wine and watching “Sherlock Holmes”
Swimming after drinking lots of rioja is a bad idea
Only children know the joy that a trampoline can bring 
Relationships would be greatly improved if semen tasted like chocolate 
There’s only one way of life, and that’s YOUR way
If marriage is so good, why don’t dolphins do it?
Writing a blog is a very hard habit to break
I’d love to see “Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds” again
I think it’s best if everyone forgets about having Summer
If it wasn’t for the Wii, would British children exercise?

RC 22-6-13

Life, this week, summed up, in 10-word sentences

I am really getting into the music of Ray Lamontagne
Work life is better since having a chat with Graham
Home life is better since sorting out my work life
My love for Philippa has resurfaced, blossomed and expanded tenfold
It has finally started looking like Summer in Norfolk’s countryside
The nights have been so muggy it’s hard to sleep
Morning mist makes our garden look like a beautiful painting
I’ve realised I don’t swear so much when it’s warm
Trying to learn magic is harder than trying to drum
Fat sweaty shoppers always seem to ask ME for help

RC 21-6-13

Love stuff

Life is so much easier when you’re not putting obstacles on your own path. Philippa and I are getting along swimmingly again, and coincidentally we’re going swimming together tomorrow night. Apparently it’ll be good gentle exercise for my shoulder. Plus, it’ll be nice to see my fiancee in a bikini again.
She’s had the brilliant idea of us hiring a boat for a day next weekend. I’ve lived in Norfolk nearly all my life and I’ve never actually been out on the Broads, which is strange as that’s the main reason most people come to Norfolk at this time of year.  I’m pretty sure that if you did a survey and asked a thousand people from around the country “What do you know about Norfolk?” most of them would say the Broads. Or maybe Stephen Fry. Or Delia Smith. Or mustard, thinking about it. Hell, maybe I’m not so sure after all. What I should probably do is have a look online because I bet that survey has actually been done and I bet the results are available to read on some university website or other…..
Actually, on second thoughts, sod that, I’m going to go for a cycle instead. As my attempts at learning magic are falling apart quicker than a B&Q shelf unit I’m thinking of taking up photography. I shall have a trot around the footpaths and see if I can spot anything worth buying a camera for.

RC 20-6-13

Lunchtime Hell

I got stuck in a conversation at work today with two of the most boring people I’ve ever met in my life. I was in the canteen finishing off my toad-in-the-hole with onion gravy, when I was joined by two representatives of a pet food supplier who were visiting the store for a meeting. Jesus, they were dull. One of them was 45-years-old and judging by his expression and attitude, he hasn’t been laid since he was 20. The other was a young ‘trainee manager’ who had even less enthusiasm about work than I have. What a couple of wankers. The whole conversation was about their latest range of dried dog food, which apparently has added vitamins and some kind of revolutionary state-of-the-art dental chemical that cleans the dogs teeth while they’re eating it. It sounded like something that would be thrown out of Dragon’s Den in seconds. I got so bored in the end that I started flicking peas off my fork and trying to get them into the older blokes shirt pocket. They went on and on and on. I eventually cracked and said “You do realise I have absolutely nothing to do with buying pet products, don’t you?”
The older guy looked quite hurt and said “Sorry, mate, I’m not trying to make a sale, I’m just trying to make a conversation”
For the first time in my life, I finished a break early and went back to work to escape.

RC 19-6-13

Limitless

I’ll never get used to life being determined by my moods and outlook.
Last week I thought I was depressed by work, living with someone who hated me, and destined to never be able to change either of those situations. Now I feel settled, relaxed, hopeful and - dare I say it? - happy.
Philippa and I had a lovely evening out together and seemed to remember all the things we love about each other.  I didn’t want to think about work on a day off but we did have a chat about me leaving, and Philippa was very understanding and supportive. I guess me being unhappy at the supermarket has affected the way I am at home and she’d like that to change. So would I, if I’m honest. I’ve wanted to leave for ages but I’ve been scared that I might end up jobless, or in exactly the same position in a new location, or with the same unhappiness but less money. But that’s just fear getting in the way of the right decision. I had a bit of a look-around on online websites last night and there are plenty of jobs about if you’re not picky and prepared to do anything. So why not try something else - anything else - short-term as a little stop-gap while I decide what I want to do permanently?
I’ll just have to try and make sure that this ‘stop-gap’ doesn’t end up going on for two or three years without me moving on from it, like this time.

RC 18-6-13

Lighter mood

Funny how a one-hour meeting with a manager can change your outlook on life. Since chatting to Graham yesterday I feel as if a large weight has been lifted, and I worked harder today than I probably have since I started there.
I also realised how horrible I must have been to live with recently. So I bought Philippa a large bunch of flowers and gave her yet another apology and I’m now going to book us a nice night out somewhere. 

RC 16-6-13

Lordy, that was unexpected..

I had a long, good chat with Ginger Graham today.
I can’t even remember how it started, but we got onto the subject of my development and the possibility of doing some more training courses.
I’m not sure where this came from, but I heard myself saying “To be honest, Graham, you might as well save the company some money and not bother. I’m not planning to stay much longer anyway.”
He didn’t seem at all surprised and asked me why I had been so unhappy.
I said something like “I don’t like the shifts, I hate working weekends, and I can’t stand dealing with the public.”
He sat there for a while, tapping his pen on the desk in that little way he has, before saying “Well, there are always other jobs that you could do for us. I know the company would hate to lose you, and it would be a shame to throw away a career with us just because you’re dissatisfied with your current position of employment.”
The chat went on over lunchtime. I found myself being surprisingly candid, and Graham being surprisingly understanding. He asked me not to make any rash decisions and to keep him updated on how I was feeling. I asked him to keep me informed of any behind-the-scenes opportunities that might be worth considering. We shook hands and I went back to work feeling, I have to say, better than I have felt in that building for several months.
My opinion of Graham, and indeed of myself, has gone up considerably since this morning.

RC 15-6-13

Lummocks, I'm running out of words beginning with 'L'

I feel almost positive today.
I’ve realised that I have a choice about work - I CAN JUST GO AHEAD AND QUIT!
It doesn’t matter if I have nothing else lined up; it doesn’t matter if my fiancee will poop her knickers about losing money; if I’m not happy where I am I can just leave and start my life over. In fact, the extra time I would have on my hands by NOT working might make it easier to find something else. 

I’m going to continue with physio on my shoulder, but not with the lovely Juanita. She won’t drive to me anymore, and it’s a bit of a trek to get myself up to Kings Lynn every week, then have to drive home after a painful treatment.  Especially when I’m having to pay for it. So I’ve looked around online and I’ve found someone not far from work who is experienced and very reasonable, and also does acupuncture. Sophie says it’s very good for muscular problems but I’m a bit apprehensive. The last time I had a needle stuck in me was when I got my tattoo done and we all know how well that went………..

RC 14-6-13

Look at the Chesworths..

Three children, from the same parents.
Brought up the same way.
One becomes a nurse, selflessly helping the sick.
One looks to become a teacher, helping the young to develop.
The other one is Assistant Manager of Perishable Products for a money-grabbing, bastard-filled supermarket chain.
What the Hell happened to Rory?????

RC 12-6-13

Life goes on, and surprises

Sophie and Tamara are finding it hard to settle in Norfolk. I’m amazed really, but then I suppose it is a big change to go from living together in hospital accommodation in the middle of the biggest city in Scotland, to sharing a house in a crappy part of a bleak county and both trying to adapt to new jobs. I wouldn’t know as I’ve never taken a chance like that, but I hope it works out for them. Mostly because it’s so nice having my older sister nearby again after her years up in Edinburgh. From what she’s told me, I think she’s perfectly happy with what’s happened, but Tamara isn’t so sure they’ve made the right move. It’s tougher for her, I guess, because she’s left the nursing profession to work in a new environment so just about everything in her life is different now. Sophie, at least, is still doing technically the same job, and has returned to an area she is familiar with as she grew up here. I hope Tamara gets into it because I can’t imagine Sophie wanting to move again, so if Tamara leaves Sophie probably won’t go with her, and I can’t imagine the two of them not being together. Sophie and Tamara being apart would be like having a takeaway pizza without lager, it just wouldn’t seem right at all.
As one sister struggles and suffers, the other goes from strength to strength. Hannah is now reading all the teacher training info I got through the post and says she’d love to work with children. She’s volunteered to help out with an Activities Group for children that Nathan’s church run during the Summer Holidays. She’s also contacted a few local theatres to see if she can help run after-school drama clubs and acting classes. She says Performing has helped her find her true, confident self and she’d like to help youngsters to experience something similar. Sometimes, when I talk to her, I wonder what happened to the girl I used to live with a few years ago, and my only conclusion is ‘Body Snatchers’

RC 11-6-13

Likes

According to an online mental health charity website, when you’re feeling narked off and low it’s good to write a list of things that are positive in your life, and to write down fun activities that you could do more of to cheer yourself up.
So here goes:

I like it when the sun shines
I like it when it doesn’t rain
I like it on the rare occasions when there isn’t a shitty cold wind blowing through the whole of North Norfolk
I like cycling in the countryside
I like walking on the beach
I like eating cheesecake
I like watching old films, especially comedies
I like the lasagne that they make in the work canteen
I like my sisters
I like the fact that I don’t have to deal with my mother and her crazy drunkenness, and her drunken craziness
I like Summer
I like watching birds feeding in the garden
I like sitting here in the office at work doing a blog instead of next months rotas, which means I’m effectively being paid to do a hobby.
I like lots of things really, I just let myself forget that I like them.

Well, that’s given me food for thought.
And speaking of food, my appetite is rushing back, and it’s ‘Roast of the Week’ day in the café, so do excuse me, and thanks for listening

RC 10-6-13

Let's catch up..

How have you been?
With being back at work, and having an unpleasant domestic atmosphere, I’ve had to retreat mentally and detach myself from reality for a few days, which is why I haven’t been appearing in Blogworld. 
Most of my supermarket time has been spent in the office. The Area Managers are worried I might aggravate my shoulder further and sue them so they’ve stuck me on ‘restricted light duties’ which is both good and bad. It’s good because I don’t have to be on the shop floor for more than thirty minutes at a time, so I’m not getting wound up by lazy incompetent staff and ignorant demanding customers; but it’s bad because I don’t have to be on the shop floor for more than thirty minutes at a time, so I’m spending most of my day on my own doing mundane clerical tasks and dwelling on how I’m wasting my existence.
Philippa seems determined to make my homelife even more disturbing than my work life is. She’s angry at me for clinging on to TheLoveMachine instead of buying a new car. She’s also angry at me for going cycling in the evenings instead of sitting next to her on the sofa watching Britain’s Got Shitting Talent, and as far as I can tell she’s also angry at me for being a 29-year-old man called Rory.
Yesterday, in the grip of yet another cold day with a cold wind, I stomped into the kitchen and said “I’m sick of this sodding country. I’m going to find myself a job somewhere warm and sunny and emigrate”
She slammed her salad bowl down and shouted “Good, because I’m sick of you moping around the house like an infant”
Just another fun weekend in The Life Of Rory. 
Today should be slightly better. We’re off to see Ted and Beryl so at least we don’t have to argue about what we’re going to eat and who’s going to cook it and who’s going to sit where while we eat it and who’s going to clean up the kitchen afterwards.
Plus, Philippa can help Beryl with the preparation while I chat with Ted in the conservatory, and that way we can go most of the day without snapping at each other. 

Just a quick thought to interject at this point - do you think I use too many commas?

I shall leave you with a burst of haiku:

Week of weather woe
Nearly at the longest day
and still feels like March 

RC 9-6-13

Last night of freedom

Back at work tomorrow. Am I looking forward to it? About as much as I’d look forward to licking a second-hand buttplug.

RC 2-6-13

Little challenge

Not sure why, but I’ve decided that the title of each blog I post during June will begin with the letter L.

RC 1-6-13