Back!

Home again, refreshed, full of love and enthusiasm, and pleased as punch (there’s a phrase I don’t use often) to have made it through another February!
Highlights of the holiday to follow this week, but for today it’s just nice to re-establish contact and be blogging again.
I shall leave you with Crap Haiku No. 137:

I’m back in Norfolk
Yes, Austria was lovely
But I’m glad I’m home

RC 28-2-11

Packed

We’re all set to go.
Assuming Austria doesn’t erupt the way Tunisia did, by this time tomorrow we’ll be in Kitzbuhel. I told Philippa I’m nervous about flying and she said ‘Don’t worry. I’ll hold your hand all the way. And I’ll get you pissed in the airport bar before boarding, so your nerves will disappear and you can sleep it off on the flight’
Sounds good to me.
There is, apparently, internet access at the hotel, but I’m sure you’ll understand if I don’t blog while I’m away.

Have a good week.

RC 18-2-11

Women!

I talked to Philippa about Hannah. I said she keeps bursting into tears over things like boiled eggs being too runny, and that whatever I try to do or say just makes her snappy, and that it’s getting a bit tiresome. Philippa said “You wouldn’t understand. You’re a man.” So I said “Fine - you talk to her then” and left it at that. To her credit, she did speak to Hannah later, and it seemed to make a difference. Apparently, my sister has problems at work that I don’t know about, and I need to respect her feminine emotional instability and stop teasing her.
Not sure that’s gonna happen..

RC 17-2-11

Crying

Hannah has been in tears again today. I read somewhere recently that women with regular emotional issues often find them alleviated when they’re expecting, so I might persuade Nathan to get her pregnant.

RC 16-2-11

Fine

Everything went well with the meal. I even told Philippa - after she forced it out of me - how insecure and weird I’ve been feeling, and how I keep expecting things to go wrong. She burst into tears, hugged me, and said she was feeling exactly the same way. Maybe we’re so scared of losing each other that it’s affecting how good things could be, so we’ve both promised to try and relax and enjoy it more. We both said ‘I Love You’ and I ended up in tears too..
Hannah was in tears as well this morning. I asked her ‘What went wrong with your Valentines Day then?’ and she said “Nothing. It was perfect. I’m crying because… because… oh, you wouldn’t understand.” and stormed out of the house. She hasn’t even started acting lessons yet, and she’s melodramatic already.

I had a snotty letter from the library today. They claim I’ve stolen a book from them and I owe them a huge fine. I phoned up and had a go at the employee who answered, telling them to stop sending me threatening literature as I haven’t got their stupid book. Then I found it under the sofa.
Oops.
I can’t decide whether to apologise and pay the fine, or burn the book and plead ignorance.

RC 15-2-11

Valentine

I’d completely forgotten it was Valentine’s Day until 11pm last night, when Hannah was writing a card for Nathan. I quickly sent Philippa a text saying “Forgot to invite you for tea tomorrow. Treat for our first Valentine’s Day. I’ll cook..” I then spent three hours on the internet learning how to cook a steak gratin.
I am, to say the least, very nervous. I’m terrified that something will go wrong with the meal, and Philippa will hate me for it and say I ruined the day, and that will be that. Extreme thinking, I know, but that’s what happens when your thoughts are being fuelled by adrenaline. I need to get a handle on this fear, or I’m gonna lose her.

I have to chop some mushrooms now.

RC 14-2-11

Forthcoming

This time next week, Philippa and I will be in Austria. I’m starting to get nervous now. Not just because I like flying about as much as Jo Brand likes dieting, but because it’s a big step for us as a couple, and we may find out things we don’t like. I’ve discussed this with her, and she called me a pessimistic sod who was trying to curb her excitement, but I can’t help it. She’s wonderful, and the more time we spend together the better things seem to get, but going away with someone and being with them sunrise to sunset is different to seeing them four or five days a week and knowing that you’ll have time on your own soon. Hannah says I sound uncommitted and if I was her boyfriend she’d be doubting my feelings, but I don’t think it’s that. I’m not worried that I’m going to find it hard being with Philippa all the time, I’m just terrified that she’ll find it hard being with me. You may have noticed over the years that I don’t have a very high opinion of myself, and I find it hard to believe that someone I consider to be wonderful can look upon me with anything other than disdain. But I know I have to be careful, because if I go in expecting the worst I could end up inadvertently engineering things to be that way, and the holiday could go awry through no-one’s fault but my own.

On a less therapy-based note, Ted and I are playing chess today for the first time in months, and then Philippa is joining us for tea. Beryl is cooking roast lamb with ‘all the trimmings’ which, for Beryl, means ‘all the trimmings money can buy.’ I’ve warned Philippa to expect a plate the size of a dustbin lid, and at least three days to recover.

RC 13-2-11

Mending

I’ve been feeling a bit better today, thank you for asking.
I’ve lost enough snot in the last three days to fill a bathtub. Where does it all come from? The colours have been amazing, too. Dulux should do a special ‘Human Illness’ colour scheme. Shades could include such things as:
“Coughy phlegm brown”
“thick snot yellow” and
“non-specific discharge”
It might not sound attractive to have your home decorated in the style of an unpleasant medical condition, but at least it wouldn’t matter if you sneezed on the curtains..

RC 10-2-11

Poems

I haven’t done any haiku for a while, so here are some verses compiled from my deathbed:

My temperature
is up over a hundred
and I feel dizzy

Swimming is great fun,
unless there are lots of kids
who piss in the pool

Love is like a drug.
It soon becomes expensive
and ruins your life

So many parents…
filling our world with fat kids…
they cannot afford

If I were a turd
I’d float around the toilet
like a bobbing cork

When I was just ten
I knew I would end up rich.
How wrong can you be?

RC 9-2-11

Poorly

I’ve woken up with an absolute shitty, stonking soaker of a cold.
Bloody winter, with it’s bloody germs and it’s bloody viruses.
I warn you now - being under the weather makes me grumpy, so this won’t be one of my positive postings.
I ache, and I’m coughing, and I’m sniffly.
Philippa has promised to bring me some flu tablets home later, but that’s hours away, and I’m far too ill to walk to the shop for some Lemsip. I am a Man, after all. I’d be letting the side down if I didn’t just stay on the sofa and whinge.
‘Whinge’ rhymes with ‘minge’ by the way. Isn’t it funny how your mind works when you’re unwell?

SuperBowl Sunday with Ted went well. A lot of the razzamatazz was lost on him ,and he fell asleep twice, but it was nice for me to have someone to watch it with for a change.
For some reason, Beryl left us two big flasks of coffee. Maybe she thought that at midnight we’d both forget how to use a kettle? Mind you, the game was so absorbing that it was nice not to have to nip out to the kitchen at all. Next year we’re both having catheters fitted so we don’t have to leave the sofa.
Speaking of sofa, that’s what I’m going back to now, with a nice mug of soup and a sleeping bag.

RC 7-2-11

Guess

My Super Bowl Prediction 2011:

Pittsburgh 35 Green Bay 24

RC 6-2-11

Plans

I’ve persuaded Ted to do an all-night SuperBowl sit-in with me on Sunday. He’s put so much effort into converting me to different sports that I thought I’d return the favour and Get Him Into Gridiron.
Beryl, obviously, thinks it’s a bad idea for him to be up all night ‘at his age and with his medical history’ but, also obviously, she’ll be providing us with enough food and drink to last a fortnight. “If he’s going without sleep I want him over-nourished” she said, so she’s spending most of the weekend cooking quiches, sausage rolls and shortcakes, and on Sunday she’s making some soup and flasks of decaf coffee. Bless her..
I asked Philippa to join us but she said something about ‘having to get up for work the next day as I’m not a layabout loafer like you.” There was more, but I’d tuned out by then.
We’re having another double date with Hannah and Nathan tomorrow. Off to see ‘The King’s Speech’ then bringing an Indian back to ours.
No jokes please - I mean we’re getting a takeaway.
Have a good weekend.

RC 4-2-11

Applied

As I’m unlikely to fulfill my ambition to post a blog every day this month, I’ve set myself an alternative challenge: the title of each blog I post in February will consist of just one word. Not a great challenge, I grant you, but at least I’m making an effort.

I finished my job application at 1.03 a.m. this morning. It took me six hours. All these government departments and companies who are trying to force us to do everything online because it’s ‘better’ and ‘faster’ and ‘more efficient’ should go through the trauma I did last night and see if they still agree with those statements.
Anyway, I shall pause that rant now because it’s a resolution of mine to stay positive in 2011, and I’m about to launch into a tirade about broadband. So instead I shall stop, take a deep breath, make myself some camomile tea and then sit cross-legged in a darkened room and hum myself into calmness.
Actually first I’m going for a shit.

RC 3-2-11

Application

Been job searching online today. I’ve actually found a job I quite fancy doing. This is a rare moment for me - trying to fill in an application for a job I actually want.
It’s working as a Fundraising Co-ordinator for a cancer charity. At first I thought it would involve standing in the street with a clipboard and a stupid orange jacket, vainly trying to get strangers to give me their bank details, but no…
According to the job description on the website, I’d have to come up with fundraising ideas and then be responsible for getting the event on, finding volunteers to man them, advertising them, and raising as much money as possible. No small task, I’m sure you’d agree.
I have to complete an online application, and their website keeps freezing, so it’s not going well so far. Maybe they need to raise money to afford a new web server.
Every time I fill in a bit and try to save it, it throws me off the website and I have to start all over again. I wouldn’t mind, but the closing date for applications is Friday and I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. Symbolic of most of my life, really..

RC 2-2-11

Challenge

I’m ashamed by my blogging - or lack of it - during January.
Only 7 blogs posted is my lowest total in one calendar month since December 2008 and that’s shocking. I know I’ve had a lot going on, but that’s no excuse.
So to make up for my laziness last month, I’ve decided to post a blog entry EVERY DAY during February.
Oh shit, hang on - Philippa and I will be in Austria for a chunk of it.
Oh well, maybe I’ll do it in March….

RC 1-2-11