Seasons Greetings

Not much to report. I just wanted to wish you a happy, peaceful, loving, safe, indulgent, joyous Christmas.
See you anon.

RC 24-12-09

Nice timing..

Hannah and Nathan have parted. I found her in tears in the kitchen last night, and thought he may have (forgive me) seen sense and dumped her, but it turns out it was her decision, not his.
“What made you end it,” I asked, “you seemed to get on so well?”
“We did” she replied tearfully, “I think he may be the first man I’ve ever really loved.”
“Then what on Earth went wrong?” I asked.
“He wants to stay pure until he’s married. And I’m absolutely dying for a shag.”
Words fail me.

RC 23-12-09

Wet stuff

We’ve had loads of snow in Norfolk over the past few days. It’s been so festive and joyous I’ve been inspired to pen some Snowy Haiku:

The snowflakes fall down
And children’s hearts are lifted
When their school is closed

Snowmen look like clouds
That have fallen down to Earth
And become statues

I threw a snowball
At the back of Hannah's head
I’m a bad brother

When I was a child
Snow made my life feel better
AND IT STILL DOES NOW!

Cold makes me horny
Shame it makes my cock shrink too
God can be so cruel

I'm a legend.

RC 23-12-09

Things have changed (as Bob Dylan once said)

I’ve finished working at the supermarket then. I had a couple of panicky times early in the week worrying that I’d done the wrong thing, then on the last day I kept thinking I might miss it, but now I’ve left I have to say my over-riding emotion is RELIEF and my over-riding thought is ‘Thank **** that’s over.’
They gave me a nice send-off in the end. Dave said a few words during our lunch break and they handed me a voucher, which obviously has to be spent in the supermarket. Apparently there was a whip-round, then the store matched it pound for pound, so there’s quite a nice sum for me to spend, bless ‘em. I’ve put it away in a drawer. If I don’t get a job in the New Year we may need it to buy groceries.
On Saturday night I went out for a ‘goodbye fling’ with some of the team, but I wasn’t really in the mood. I like them, but I just wanted to be away from them all, so at half-ten I said I was shattered and wanted to go home rather than bring on the swine flu symptoms again.. Yesterday I had a nice lunch with Nathan and Hannah, then we went for a walk in the snow. Nathan kept trying to sculpt a snowman with a crucifix on his chest, so we came back in and played bowling on the Wii. Today I’m settling down to watch ‘Citizen Kane’ on DVD. It was on offer for three quid on a website, and I want to see what all the fuss is about.
Strange to think I haven’t got to work at all this week, and that I no longer have to be up all night moving produce. Hang on – did I say ‘strange’? What I meant to say was ****ING MARVELLOUS!!!
Here’s to the future.

RC 21-12-09

Xmas plans

My swine flu was just a mild cold really, so I’m feeling much better now. I'm glad I had the full week off work though, as you can’t be too careful. Can’t believe I’ve only got two nights to go! All very odd..
I have ordered all my Christmas shopping online. Lots of pressies for Hannah, some stuff being delivered to Sophie in Scotland, some bits for Ted and Beryl, and lots of choccies and stuff for Ted and Beryl’s family to share on The Big Day itself.
Ted says he may let me beat him at chess as a Christmas present. I told him to shove his patronising attitude up his arse and give me his best game, or find himself another playmate.
It can’t be much fun for him really. Everyone likes to win, but I’m sure he’d like a more challenging opponent to test his mettle against.
Maybe I’ll buy him Deep Blue for Christmas.

Rory’s December Schedule:

18th – leave work
19th-22nd – be drunk
23rd – Xmas shopping (Incl. buying myself some Wii games)
24th – lunch in pub; 2nd annual club nights thingy in evening
25th- hangover; light lunch; over to Ted and Beryl
26th – at home with Hannah
27th – at-home movie and games fest
28th – 2nd Jan – in Edinburgh
3rd – 5th Jan – recovery
6th Jan – Commence JobSearch

RC 16-12-09

Swine

I should have kept my bloody mouth shut. Since posting my last blog full of health and good cheer and optimism, I’ve been laid low by some awful bug thing. According to the NHS hotline, I may well have swine flu. How I’m supposed to tell the difference between a bad cold, normal seasonal flu and swine flu is beyond me, but then I haven’t done seven years at medical school like the people working in the Call Centre….. I can’t be arsed to go and collect some Tamiflu, so I’m staying in bed, eating lots of satsumas and now about to phone work and say ‘Sorry, I won’t be coming in again.’ Truth be told, I don’t feel all that bad, but I don’t want to risk passing the infection on to my co-workers and customers, do I? How could I forgive myself?
Hannah has taken a few days off work to ‘look after me.’ Opportunist bitch. It turns out ‘look after me’ means meeting Nathan for lunch every day and doing her Christmas shopping in the precinct. Bless her. We’re going to sit down later and plan our Yuletide schedules. She’s torn between wanting to see her fella as much as possible, and wanting to avoid the heavy religious overtones that Christmas with him and his folks would involve. Pray, or play, that seems to be her choice. Sometimes I’m so witty it astounds me…

I think a bacon sarnie might make me feel better, then I’m gonna go online and sort out my travel to Edinburgh.

RC 10-12-09

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

I’m so excited I could burst. Two weeks left at work, an imminent trip up to Scotland for Hogmanay, Christmas lights going up in windows around us, and all of it making me feel fan-bloody-tastic.
It’s been a strange, painful, confusing, change-inducing and altogether unusual year, but I’ve made it through, and I’m in a better place than I have been for years. I’ve got my work ethic and self-respect back, I’ve had some laughs and made some good friends, and I am looking forward to another year full of possibilities and determined to enjoy myself and all that the world has to offer. I finally feel as if I’ve turned a corner from a dark side-alley and I’m ready to stroll down the High Street of life and make the best of it. I am fearful of nothing, and full of understanding for what I am, and what I can achieve.

I may ask Santa for a tattoo saying “I Love Fluoxetine”

RC 7-12-09

Jared

As I won’t be seeing him much longer, I thought it would be good to note down a few Jared-isms, before they’re confined to my past, alongside 3 a.m. egg sandwiches and the early morning drunks in the booze aisle.
In no particular order, here are my personal Top 10 (although I have a suspicion he may have stolen the ninth one from ‘The Simpsons’):

- “If it wasn’t for internet porn we’d all be raping each other constantly”
- “She was wetter than the Nile in a downpour”
- “My memories of school are as bad as my memories of appendicitis, or shagging that fat bird on Brighton beach in daylight”
- “My guts feel like a party in an eel pond”
- “This job’s about as much fun as leprosy”
- “She had a fanny like a dustbin full of liver”
- “I’d rather work drunk than relax sober”
- “She had nipples like the rivets on a ships hull”
- “The older I get, the smarter I ain’t”
- “Take it from me – when you’re with a bird and she starts sounding really turned on, it ain’t a good thing to shout ‘Yeah, you love it, you fat slut.’”

RC 3-12-09

Christmas month begins..

My disciplinary meeting was a bit of a non-event. The Deputy Store Manager and the HR Executive sat there in grey suits looking very grave. They went on at length about professionalism and how my actions while in my uniform reflect on the whole company and how damaging the publicity might be, etc. Fortunately, Jim the security guy had written a statement about how ‘the victim’ had been a pain in the arse to several staff members that night, and how I was only acting in self-defence, which was nice of him. Dave my manager came in with me and gave me a glowing report and then, when offered my own chance to speak, I delivered the coup de grace: I fiddled with my sleeve with tears in my eyes and said I was sorry, but I wasn’t really myself that night. I told them I’ve recently been placed on antidepressants and that a side-effect of them is an increase in violent tendencies. I told them I was only on them in the first place due to my work conditions, and the pressure they put on me to stay until Christmas when I really wanted to leave in October. They looked at each other with an expression that said “potential law suit under the Mental Health Act” and sent me off with a verbal warning.
11 days of work and counting…

RC 1-12-09