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2014 wasn’t plain sailing on a bed of roses, but look at where we are now and tell me it hasn’t been a great year.
We’re engaged, we live together in a decent house that we don’t have to plan to leave anytime in 2015 (Two Christmasses in a row in the same house? It’s almost unheard of!)
I have a job that I only took to get me out of the supermarket, but that I’m starting to warm to and can see myself sticking at for a while (and believe me - I’m as surprised about that as anyone)
I feel mentally stable, emotionally secure, professionally satisfied and romantically as good as I think I’ve ever felt.
Oh - and with this little posting today, I achieve my ambition of writing 19 blogs per month throughout the year.
Happy 2015 all.
RC 31-12-14
We nearly had a punch-up on the forecourt today.
I thought the Crazy Christmas Chaos would have calmed down by now, but apparently not. A delivery van driver and a suited man in a people carrier almost came to blows over a near-miss with an open door. It all got very red-faced and pointy, but thankfully it all calmed down before I had to either intervene or call the police. Highlights of the argument included these statements:
“Just coz you drive a van doesn’t mean you have to be a c**t”
“If your wife wasn’t so fat she wouldn’t need so much f***ing room”
So much for Christmas cheer, eh?
RC 29-12-14
Happy Christmas all!
I’m never sure when you’re supposed to stop saying ‘Happy Christmas.’ You wouldn’t wish someone a happy birthday three days after the actual date, but Christmas is a TIME of celebration rather than just one day, so why not still send seasons greetings and best wishes up to and including December 28th? Whether you agree or not, I’ve done it now, so there we are.
What a great few days we’ve had!
My stomach, digestive tract and liver all feel as if they’ve been taken out of my body, run over by Santa with his full collection of reindeer and entire sleigh full of presents, and then forced back into me with a shoehorn. I may have to consider a diet soon. Well - not too soon. It is my birthday later in January so it would be silly to try and eat and drink healthily until after then, right?
In big ‘what I got for Xmas’ news - my beloved, beautiful, brilliant fiancee Philippa bought me A FRICKING DRUMKIT!!! She said that now we’re settled in a detached house and it’s got a garage that’s big enough she’s more than happy for me to smash the hell out of some skins in the evening while she watches girly television! I was so stunned I cried! Stunned that she managed to keep it a secret; stunned that she managed to have it delivered and hide it while I was out of the house at work; and stunned that she’s actually confident that I’ll stick to my drumming and it won’t have been a waste of money! She really is a star. She’s so thoughtful and loving. She took a day off work last week so she could have it delivered while I was out, and even had the guy from the music shop set it up and test it.
Suddenly that engraved necklace I bought her seems like a cheapo piece of shit.
RC 28-12-14
When did “Have A Good One” become an acceptable substitute for “Happy Christmas”?
RC 23-12-14
Christmas in Suffolk
Exactly like in Norfolk?
I’ll tell you next week..
Hanging mistletoe
Is a way to steal kisses
Without getting slapped
I hate wrapping gifts.
I like to buy, and open,
but wrapping them sucks
Mince pies are super
But nothing says Christmas like
Sherry at breakfast
With tinsel and stars
and a well-lit Christmas tree
Chez nous = tres festive!
RC 21-12-14
A truck driver insisted on speaking to ‘the manager’ today. He was 18 stone in weight, covered in tattoos and incredibly aggressive, and refused to leave until seeing me. I nervously came out into the shop, making sure we were standing in the right spot so that everything could be seen on the security cameras, and asked him how I could help.
He shook my hand with his and said “I just want to thank you for not playing Christmas shit in your garage this year. If I had to hear Mariah Carey again I think I might have killed myself.”
Tonight I told Philippa about it and we had a giggle and a cuddle, and she almost ended in tears. I’m used to her irrational emotions, so I just said nothing and let her compose herself, and she sniffed and said “We’ve been together four years now and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you happier.”
Blimey.
RC 19-12-14
My Christmas shopping is done!
It’s done, I tell you!
Done, done, done!!
What a wonderful feeling. Eight days to go and I have nothing left to purchase (until 11pm Christmas Eve when I suddenly remember I forgot someone and have to rush out to an off licence for some cheap wine and a Bounty)
It helps that I have a small family, and i leave Philippa to take care of her lot. So once I’ve ticked Ted and Beryl, Hannah and Nathan, and Sophie and Tamara off the list I’m home free. Apart from Philippa, of course, but she’s so easy to buy for it’s almost embarrassing.
And she’s done too!
So now I can concentrate of planning the alcohol and snacks shopping, and get my ‘Christmas Indulgence Head’ on.
RC 17-12-14
I worked in the supermarket for a couple of hours today. It was quiet at the garage and the Deputy Store Manager had to go home sick so I offered to step in and make up the numbers. They were all overjoyed and would love to reciprocate sometime, which is sort of the point of me doing it. I’ll keep storing up the brownie points and favours while I’m new enough to be enthusiastic.
It wasn’t too bad, but it did remind me of all the reasons why I wanted out of storework for so long, so I won’t be making a habit of it.
I did overhear two great comments from customers while I was over there.
This from a guy telling his mate why he’ll be spending Christmas alone:
“I know it was wrong, but my wife’s had four kids and her bodybits sag like a deflating bouncy castle. Natalie in the office had an arse as pert as a liferaft. I couldn’t help myself.”
And this from two women who I think walked straight to the supermarket from the set of Jeremy Kyle:
“Jack and Lucy are 5 and 7 and I know they’ll be laying awake all night waiting for Santa”
“We won’t have that with my Ellen. I’ll give her a shot of brandy in her bedtime milk and she’ll sleep right through”
“You’ll give your six-year-old brandy?”
“Well - it IS Christmas”
RC 16-12-15
I had my first ‘supervision’ at the garage today. One of my superiors came and met me and showed very little interest in what was happening, but just wanted to be able to tick some boxes and sign a sheet and send it off to HR and leave me alone for another six months. Fine by me. He did point out a couple of things. My Christmas rotas weren’t the way they expected them to be, but I convinced them to wait and see if they work before they condemn me simply for making a change. The important thing for me is that the staff are all delighted with the plans. I asked them all for a preference of when they wanted time off and I’ve managed to be fair to all of them without leaving us short-staffed. More brownie points for me, then…
The other thing ‘Mike’ moaned about was a complete lack of Christmas decorations in the shop part of the filling station. I said I wanted to provide a haven wherein people could avoid the onslaught of festive overkill for a couple of minutes. He said “Ok, but at the end of the day we’re a business and we make money by selling product. Christmas decorations remind people that Christmas is coming, and then they’re more likely to visit our adjoining supermarket and spend.”
I ignored the urge to argue about the stupidity of his comments and said “Okay, maybe next year. But I think the idea of attracting supermarket customers is the responsibility of the supermarket manager. Right now I’m just trying to sell petrol.”
He stared at me for a few seconds as if deciding whether he could be bothered to walk into a fight, and then just said “Fair enough”
I made him a coffee, we finished the paperwork, and he shook my hand and said “Keep up the good work”
Assuming they don’t close the garage, that’s exactly what I intend to do.
RC 15-12-14
I’ve made an absolute pig of myself today. Beryl was having her annual ‘pre-Christmas try-out’ so we popped round for the afternoon and got stuffed full of various pastry items. Sausage rolls made with port-and-marmite sausagemeat were my particular favourites, so after everything else was cleared away I finished off the trayful of those. We’re round theirs again on Boxing Day. So are 90% of the population of East Anglia by the sound of it. She was worried about her family members missing out on fun elsewhere by being at hers, so she’s told them to invite all their friends as well. She’s such a star. Every year things get more elaborate and extravagant, and every year everyone tells her to take it easy. Her standard reply? - “I’m getting old now and this might be the last time I’m able to do this, so I’m going to make it a good one.” Mind you, she’s been saying that ever since I’ve known her so I’m not expecting her to drop down dead anytime soon. In fact, I think she’s got worse since she agreed to stop planning Christmas Day get-togethers. Her family were worried about her keeling over while cooking a mountain of parsnips so they pestered her into giving up strenuous, stressful Christmas Days and just having a ‘little party’ on Boxing Day. So she responded by putting even more effort into the ‘little party’ than she ever put into a Christmas lunch. She is an unstoppable, determined force of nature and catering and I love her dearly.
RC 14-12-14
2100 BST
Philippa and I sat with the lights out last night watching the Gemini meteor shower dance it’s delights across the Heavens. God, it was beautiful. It saddens me so much to think more people would have been watching ‘The X Factor’ than were watching the skies, but stuff ‘em - at least we got to enjoy it.
I wasn’t sure Philippa would be into it, but she cuddled up beside me and put her arm through mine and we sat there for what felt like eternity. I guess love means you can enjoy anything together, but dazzling cosmic brilliance only adds to the effect.
At midnight we decided to have a candlelit bath together, but I think I overdid the bubble bath. It was like having a wash in Santa’s beard.
RC 14-12-14
God I hate people who cover the outside of their houses in Christmas lights. I’m all for festive cheer and sharing your joy but you can keep it indoors. I’d never force it onto people who might be walking past everyday. If you festoon your abode with a multi-coloured ostentatious obscenity then you’re not doing it for yourself and your children, you’re doing it to show off to strangers and out-do your neighbours. Is any address improved by having an awful over-lit nativity scene on the doorstep and an inflatable illuminated Santa in the garden?
There’s a house quite close to here that must have more lights outside it that the whole of Oxford Street. It’s a mess. They seem to have covered their house in a cargo net and then tied a million LED lights all over it.
It looks like ‘The Spirit of Over-Doing It’ sat on the roof and vomited.
RC 9-12-14
Christmas is a lot easier to organise when you and your partner work the same hours and have all your evenings together. And to think I was worried that Philippa and I might get sick of each other once we were spending more time together. So far it’s been wonderful.
It’s a bit early to be saying this, but I’m quite liking the idea of staying in this house and trying to buy it if the Bannermans go ahead and stay in Australia. Why shop around for a decent place to live when we have one in our laps already? As I stride into my thirties it’s nice to feel settled and happy and content and at home. Philippa has a bit of a drive to work but it doesn’t seem to be bothering her. I’m normally home just before her so I get some tea on the go and she comes in to find a cup of tea or glass of wine waiting, and the spell of a crap meal emanating from Rory’s Amateur Kitchen. Once a week or so she texts me to suggest she brings in a take-away, and we have discussed the idea of getting one of those slow-cooker thingmys so we can put food on before we leave in the morning and have it ready when we come in at night.
Hmmm, I may have just worked out what to get Philippa for Christmas…
RC 8-12-14
What a blast today has been!
We’d forgotten which one of us was supposed to be buying the Christmas decorations this week, so we both ended up getting a boxload. Today we started sorting through it all and deciding what to hang where, and we just hit it a point where we said “Sod it! Let’s put the whole lot up!”
So there’s now barely an inch of wall or ceiling without something sparkly and silver pinned to it.
What a laugh.
RC 7-12-14
Shapes I have had in my advent calendar so far:
A sledge
A bobble-hat
A snowflake
A wreath
A train (for some reason)
A candle
We’re off to watch the Christmas Lights switched on in a big local town today. I’ve been promised chestnuts and a hot toddy.
Mmmmmmmm..
RC 6-12-14
We’re decorating the house this weekend!
The nice thing about being somewhere new again is you can start afresh with brand new decorations and a brand new plan, without feeling obliged to follow the formats of previous Yuletimes. I know Christmas is all about repetition and familiarity but it’s very easy to fall into the tradition trap and just do the same things over and over because you’re scared of trying something different. How many families, I wonder, wish to put a Star atop the tree this year instead of the usual angel, but don’t because they’re all thinking “Everyone else will hate the change”?
It’s very strange the way we have hijacked the birth of our Lord to make it a time of mass spending while trying desperately hard not to annoy each other.
No wonder they say it’s the most anxious time of year….
RC 4-12-14
One of the things I love most about this time of year is seeing lots of ladies in their Wellingtons. We have so many wet days that the girls quite often have to put on their boots to walk safely and dryly through the puddles; and there is something about that I find really sexy.
I don’t know if it’s the material (and the promise of what‘s hiding beneath it), or the slapping of the top against the calf muscles, or the way the damp condenses and slowly dribbles down the sides; but seeing them makes me feel sexier than a salmon in spawning season.
If there was a magazine called “Women Wearing Wellies” I would buy it even if it cost me a fortune and my relationship with Philippa.
RC 3-12-14
I talked to Philippa about the redundancies thing and she was completely unbothered. She said “Let’s only think about it if it looks likely to happen”
Then she went on about what to get her mum for Christmas.
RC 2-12-14
My Christmas list:
(in case you’re planning to get me a present this year)
Rubik’s Void
A drum kit
Warm socks
Electric razor
Alcohol
RC 1-12-14
I’ve challenged myself to create some long pallindromic sentences. These are the best so far:
(you might have to make up stories to justify these sentences, but I still think I’ve done well)
Get any aps - spay Nate G!
May E rid foo of dire yam?
Keep bus as Tom MOTs a sub. Peek!
See you in December…….
RC 30-11-14
It turns out Mac may have been right after all. (see this blog, a few days ago)
There are indeed mutterings afoot at Head Office about finding ways to streamline management techniques, and the costcutting may include ‘a move toward interdepartmental multimanagement’ and therefore possible redundancies. The decision will be made in the New Year, they say, so that’s something nice to have hanging over us over Christmas. In the meantime, an external company is doing some kind of investigation into the best ways to move forward. So they’re spending loads of money to see whether sacking people would save a bit of money? You’ve got to love big business……
RC 28-11-14
My internet loveboots arrived today. They are GORGEOUS. I stood before our full-length mirror wearing nothing but the boots and a scarf and I have never felt sexier. I’m going to have to start a serious walking habit now to justify the expenditure and to give them their proper use.
Philippa has agreed to join me for a Sunday morning six-mile hike, as long as I agree to go Christmas shopping with her on Saturday. She has also insisted that I never again stand around the house in just walking boots and a scarf. Seems like an ok deal to me.
RC 27-11-14
Philippa and I spent hours tonight doing a jigsaw!
We cleared the kitchen table after teatime, then we sat down with a pot of tea and tried to put together a 1000-piece recreation of ‘The Haywain’ by Constable.
What a perfectly lovely evening.
Obviously I would rather have been out cycling and then making love on a blanket in the open air somewhere, but it’s November, so we can’t.
So it was PG Tips, a jigsaw, and an on-off conversation about Christmas plans, which was wonderful.
Next thing you know I’ll be buying a pair of slippers…
RC 26-11-14
Mac Dennis, the guy who did my training before I started at the garage, called me today for a ‘chat’ which turned out to be more scaremongering and gossip than you get in the Daily Express in a fortnight.
“Have you heard? Rumour from Head Office is they want to cut down on costs after a poor quarter financially, and filling station managers might be the first to go. They’re looking at ways of making garage responsibility part of the store manager’s workload” etc etc
I panicked for a minute or so, but then I thought ‘what would be the sense of taking me on in October if they were going to make my job obsolete in December?’ I know this company aren’t known for their sensible decisions, but I don’t think I have anything to worry about. I think it more likely that he heard a little something from someone and used it as an excuse to call other managers and talk about it rather than have to do some actual work for a change.
Anyway, enough of that….
I bought my first Christmas present today. I think that’s a new record for me! I saw a little something online and thought “Sophie and Tamara would love that!” so I went ahead and ordered it. I’m not gonna tell you what it is, in case they’re reading this, but I’ll give you a little clue: It plugs in, and has an on switch. I can say no more…..
RC 25-11-14
Pounding head at work
Having to sit down often
Unproductive day
RC 24-11-14
Lunchtime in the pub
Became an all day session
Now I am squiffy
Too much Kronenbourg
Not enough vegetables
Am I making sense?
I cannot see straight
Am I slurring my spelling?
Can you read my words?
I’ve had an idea:
I must stop blogging while pissed
It’s not a good thing.
RC 23-11-14
Weather has turned a bit wintry today. Cool breeze and very, very damp. Lots of people coughing and spreading their germs across the counter of the garage, where it was my weekend to be working on-shift. I have earned huge popularity points with staff member Josie by asking her to show me how to use the till. It’s not in my contract that I actually have to serve people, but those above me have deemed it unnecessary for us to be staffed appropriately, so I may as well jump in and help out. After years of supermarket involvement, I shouldn’t be surprised that the people making the staffing decisions are completely clueless about staffing needs, but it still shocks me a bit that they think we need one member of staff on a Wednesday lunchtime (average number of customers an hour - approx. 36) and one member of staff on a Saturday morning (average number of customers an hour - approx. 200)
This company’s slogan should be “Never putting Customer Service ahead of Saving Money”
I’m quite proud of the management style and attitude that I have developed - I’m going to do what I think is best for me and my staff, and if my superiors don’t like it then I’ll go and work somewhere else.
The weather report says rain all day tomorrow, so I think we might postpone our hike until next week. My boots haven’t arrived yet anyway, and you can’t do a six-mile trek without appropriate footwear, right?
We’ll just have to drive to the pub instead.
RC 22-11-14
The good thing about having changed jobs is that I’ll get to have some really decent time off over Christmas. The bad news is I can’t ‘acquire’ loads of presents from the ‘damaged goods’ section. I’m still a supermarket employee though, so I’ll get a nice percentage off the cost of our Christmas groceries.
As usual I have no idea what to buy people as gifts, and as usual I’m tormenting myself with the dilemma of wanting to get the shopping over with as soon as possible, and not wanting to fall into the commercial trap of buying stuff when there’s still six weeks til Santa.
I hate myself for thinking about it in November, and I hate myself for talking about it in this blog, so let’s change the subject:
I’ve found a website that has reviews of some of the walks you can do along footpaths near us, and printable maps that you can follow so you don’t get lost. I’ve been neglecting my fitness recently and I don’t enjoy cycling in Winter, so I’ve decided that walking might be the way forward. I’ve persuaded Philippa to come with me this weekend on a six-mile hike that crosses two rivers and has a pub about two-thirds of the way round. That way we can enjoy each others company, get some fresh air, and get a little bit jolly with a couple of drinks as well. I may even time it so we have lunch there, then we can walk off the calories on the way home.
Marvellous.
Obviously, you can’t tackle footpaths without appropriate footwear so I’ve been online and ordered an eighty pound pair of hiking boots.
I may not know what to get other people as gifts but I sure know how to treat myself.
RC 20-11-14
I really do feel like I’ve settled in well at work.
All these years of doubting myself and being scared to make a change, and not believing I could do this kind of thing, and it looks like I may have been cut out for management all along.
The staff all seem to have taken to me as well. I think they’ve been so fed up with temporary managers and fending for themselves for the last few months that they’re just glad to have someone here they can turn to.
I am making a real effort to get to know them all and find out how they like to work and my intention is to make things as easy as possible as everyone. I’m not sure how long that will last and how well that will work but so far it seems to be going okay.
RC 19-11-14
As a fan of Scrabble and anagrams, I decided to see if I could make an appropriate sentence out of the letters in the title of this blog - “The Chesworth Chronicles”
I didn’t manage it, but I did realise that you can make these words:
Testicles
Growth
Worthless
Chronic
Cheese
…and then I decided to do something else.
RC 18-11-14
I still can’t believe there’s a man-made object sitting on a comet half-a-billion kilometres away.
The achievement of the Rosetta team in getting a probe to land safely and send back information must be one of the most remarkable human achievements ever. The media gloss may have worn off and the 24-hour news channels may have gone back to making everyone panic about Ebola, but the amazing events of the past seven days far out in our Solar System continue to astonish and astound me. The experts will be analysing data for months and years to come, and we barely have the faintest clue yet as to what this project may lead to. The knock-on effects and advancements in all things scientific will only be known in retrospect, and it could be a decade before everyday life is improved in some way by these endeavours, but I honestly believe they will be.
It makes me proud to be a scientist. Who is currently working at a filling station….
RC 17-11-14
Achievement this week:
Probe landing on a comet.
Unbelievable!
An alias for
BBC Children In Need:
Wankers telethon
Saturday evening:
A gorgeous Suffolk sunset
and a glass of wine
November sixteeneth
Soon be pantomime season
“Oh yes/shit it will”
And my personal favourite:
Bonfire night, fireworks,
Darker evenings, colder days
Racing to Christmas
RC 16-11-14
2100
Philippa is back in Norfolk visiting friends today, so I have set myself two Sunday challenges:
1. Watch all these films:
Red Dragon
The Polar Express
Ted
Bram Stoker's Dracula
2. Spend all day in my underpants.
I'm confident I can achieve both.
RC 16-11-14
I’ve been very lazy with this blog.
You’ll have to forgive me. Having to throw my energies into learning a new job and getting used to a new routine has distracted me somewhat.
One good thing about the old job was that I had loads of spare time where I’d be sitting on my own in the office with access to a computer, and that’s not happening so much now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not snowed under with work and struggling to find five minutes for the internet every day, but it is having an effect.
I shall get back into it soon, I promise.
RC 12-11-14
Philippa came up trumps with some facebook research and found us an early evening fireworks display!
My delight turned to disappointment somewhat when we arrived at the Village Hall. You HAD to park on their car park and you HAD to pay £6 each to get access.
My suggestion was we park around the corner and watch the rockets from a field, but Philippa slapped me for being so cheap and made me join the queue.
It was worth it!
There was a live band, and soup, and hot dogs, and a tombola, and a bar, and it was great! And all the money they make goes into an account to buy the fireworks for next year, so I don‘t suppose I should moan about the entry fee. It’s certainly a damn sight cheaper than buying our own box of fireworks.
The best part of the night was a parade of lanterns made and held by local schoolchildren. They marched around the playing field with buckets, collecting money for their school funds, and then all the lanterns were used to light the big fire. Philippa watched them with an expression that stank of ‘broody’ so I distracted her with a kiss and then dragged her off to the barbecue.
We stayed til the end and drove home with a faint smell of smoke on our clothes and hair.
Bonfire Night is rapidly becoming my favourite night of the year.
RC 8-11-14
We found a nice fireworks display being advertised in a local village…. then it was cancelled due to the weather.
Bloody Hell.
I said to Philippa “I guess we’ll just have to make our own fireworks - in the bedroom!”
But she didn’t agree.
Now I am confined to an evening of Wii Sports while she chats to her mother on the phone for hours.
Not an ideal Friday evening.
Sophie and Tamara are coming over on Sunday though, so that should be nice. I’m going to make some spicy vegetable soup as a starter and Philippa has downloaded a recipe for a Beef Wellington or something so there’ll be rumbling tummies a-plenty. I’ll pop out tomorrow and find some decent red wine to go with it and we’ll be all set.
Should I just start kissing Philippa’s neck while she’s on the phone and see if I can spark some interest?
No, that’s a terrible idea. I’ll just try my hand at bowling instead.
RC 7-11-14
Last night was quite disappointing.
I’d got so excited during the day that I’d even written a haiku:
Bonfire Night is here
Time to dust off the fireworks
And burn, baby, burn!
But I’d forgotten to look up where there might be a decent Bonfire Night do, so I ended up looking out of the bedroom window forlornly hoping for something to happen. We’ve been to some great events in recent years, but obviously they were all back in Norfolk and we didn’t fancy a 90-minute drive just to see some cheap fireworks. When I still lived back at home with Hannah we had some rough neighbours so there were bangers and rockets going off constantly for a fortnight in early November, but last night we didn’t see a thing. A little downside to living in the middle of nowhere, I guess. Maybe next year we’ll plan a little get-together ourselves and involve all the neighbours. We can do that, because we know we’ll still be living here next year, and that is something I am still finding hard to get used to!
I’ll have a look in the local paper at work tomorrow, I’m sure there’ll be some belated Bonfire parties at the weekend.
RC 6-11-14
Life is good.
I thought I’d shit myself when I was flying solo as a manager, but so far so good. The forecourt hasn’t exploded and no-one has punched me or quit, so I must be doing something right.
I have Mac available on speed-dial, and whenever I feel a bit nervous or pressured I just think “I’ll be home by 7pm at the latest, and I never have to work a late night or a weekend again…” and it doesn’t seem so bad.
Philippa is noticeably happier as well. It’s quite overwhelming to realise most of her ‘mood swings’ of the past few years were just her reacting to me and my mood swings. I never even realised that I had moods and that they could swing until I got myself out of the situation that was making them swing in the first place. Now I feel more content, I feel more consistent; and Philippa is blossoming as a result. It can’t have been easy for her to live me with over the past couple of years, and maybe I need to let her know that I realise that now, and I’m sorry for it all.
Yes, I think I’ll pop back into the lounge and tell her that right now..
RC 4-11-14
Bloody kids must have got their parents to drive them around to unsuspecting isolated houses.
I hate Hallowe’en.
RC 31-10-14
Another month gone then. Jesus, time flies when you’re distracted by trying really hard to learn a new job. It only feels like a second ago I was turning the calendar over onto ‘October’ and here we are at Hallowe’en.
A good thing about living in a small row of houses in an isolated location is that we should be spared any annoying trick-or-treat callers…
RC 31-10-14
Clocks change this weekend
October temperatures
Still warm as Summer
Birds are all confused
‘Shouldn’t we be flying South?’
‘Should we just stay here?’
Soon be Bonfire Night
Kids don’t play with sparklers now
In case they get burnt
My worst drink ever:
Cinzano, pernod and rum,
Mixed with creme de menthe
A TV show says
Hitler was a drug addict.
That may explain things…
RC 23-10-14
I have to go away after all. Monday 27th - Friday 31st inclusive.
Head Office in their wisdom have decided that I should spend a week ‘shadowing and observing’ a filling station manager before I start on my own. I’ve basically been doing the job for two weeks, what’s the point of watching someone else? By the time I get back I’ll probably forget what my own garage looks like and not be able to work there effectively. Still - ours is not to reason why, etc, ours is but to do as we’re told and take advantage of the fact that I’ll be staying at a hotel all-expenses-paid in Essex for a week.
I have to say it’s a lovely feeling to have reached midweek and be thinking ‘Two more days then it’s the weekend!’
I’ve been working on an ever-changing 7-day rota for so long I’d forgotten how much better it is mentally to know you have a 2-day break from work at the same point every week!
Philippa and I had a gorgeous time on Saturday and Sunday, and what a delight to know we can do it all again this weekend!
Hurrah!
RC 22-10-14
I seem to be rattling off a large number of blog posts in October. I need to remember that my target for 2014 was exactly 19 postings every month - if I don’t slow down a bit I’m going to blow my own ambition when I’m only two months away from completing it. Yes - maybe I should delete this one without putting it online, lest I get carried away in the next few days and reach 19 too early, then have no space left to share any vital occurrences or life events that might crop up between now and October 31st.
Or maybe, now I’ve started and made so much of an effort already, I should just carry on with it and worry about statistics later.
In case you hadn’t guessed, I’ve drunk a lot of coffee this evening.
RC 21-10-14
The drive home from work takes me less than five minutes and I managed to get a sodding puncture!
How can that happen?
I blame farmers with their slow-moving vehicles and hedge-shaking trailers that knock debris and thorny twigs into the road for unsuspecting drivers like myself to encounter. Bastards. Anyway, I struggled to put the spare tyre on and all I suffered was some dirty trousers and a broken nail, so it’s not too bad. I don’t know where the nearest tyre place is but I’m sure it’s not too far, and once I stop moaning about it in this blog I’ll go online and find one.
RC 20-10-14
I don’t know why I thought of this while I was enjoying the Indian Summer with Philippa yesterday:
When I was at college, a guy in my physics class called Adam decided to have one of those ill-advised end of term parties. You know the sort of thing - 17-year-olds who have barely sipped alcohol in their lives turn up with enough beer and cider to intoxicate half of Russia and proceed to drink it quicker than an alcoholic would; people end up having sex with people that they wouldn’t want to be in the same room as sober, and normally in a really uncomfortable part of the house; things get broken, stolen and moved around, and the house ends up looking like the end of a really messy poltergeist film.
Adam made a bigger mistake than most when, in a futile bid to become more ‘cool’ and popular, he printed an open invitation in the college newsletter declaring “Party at my house - bring who you like.” As you can imagine, the local lowlifes and drop-outs soon got wind of it and turned up in their droves. The other big mistake Adam made was using the phrase ‘party at my house’ instead of ‘party at my PARENTS house while they are away overnight on a theatre trip, so please leave everything as you found it or my testicles will end up being used as ear-rings and my parents will ground me for life.’
At least thirty more people than he had expected turned up, and he didn’t enjoy a second of it because while everyone else was whooping it up and having a grand old time, he was desperately trying to keep vomit from landing on the carpet, and semen from landing on the curtains. (Don’t ask).
The following morning, the four of who had stayed over valiantly vowed to help him scrub the house from top to bottom and make it look like something vaguely resembling the house his parents had vacated twenty-four hours before. It wasn’t easy. God knows how the bath ended up stained with boot polish, but I just about managed to get it spotless, and I could only hope the toothbrush I had used and placed back in the cupboard wasn’t used later by his mum or dad, otherwise their teeth may have ended up in serious need of whitening.
After five hours of intense cleaning, dusting, moving, scraping, binning, hoovering and washing we finally achieved our goal, and all collapsed on the sofa just as his parent’s car pulled into the drive.
At which point Adam looked upwards - and saw his mum’s prized spider plant sitting in the chandelier in the centre of the ceiling. We had no idea how it got there, and even less idea how to get it back out again.
For all I know, it’s still there now…
Anyway, enough of these reminiscences, I really should be ordering some petrol……
RC 20-10-14
Mac ‘Migraine’ Dennis was back on-site today, looking suspiciously like someone who had just got over a hangover. He said ‘well done’ for coping with yesterday, and then tried to cram in as much information and training into seven and a half hours as possible, to make up for what we couldn’t do while he was off.
I don’t mean to be flippant or arrogant, but I really think this ‘managing a filling station’ lark is going to be quite plain sailing. A lot of the form-filling and rotas and stuff are very similar to the ones I’ve been using at the supermarket, so I can do them in my sleep if necessary. The amount of fuel we order in is pretty much done automatically by the computer system, which records everything we sell hour-to-hour, analyses the patterns and spikes that have happened on certain dates since the garage first opened, compares it to every other garage in the same company, and orders accordingly. Very, very clever stuff and it makes my life a hell of a lot easier. All I have to do is click on ‘Authorise’, ‘Amend’ or ‘Cancel’ and I’m done. The pricing is all decided at Head Office - I just have to change the amounts on the computer and all signage and pumps are updated instantly - and the guys who deliver the fuel are the ones responsible for its safe transfer into our tanks. I just have to watch them and then deal with the paperwork. Like most garages the booth doubles as a small shop, but that’s all controlled by one of the managers in the big store across the road. They decide what to put on display and how much we should charge, and they send over the stock first thing every morning. I just have to make sure someone is designated to put it all out on the shelves and keep a track of what’s sold, and what’s wasted. There is talk of a car wash being built on the back of our building but until that happens, I don’t have to think about it. For now we’re leaving that to the Bulgarian band of brothers that wash cars manually on the supermarket car park twice a week.
It all makes you wonder why the job of ‘Filling Station Manager’ even exists in the first place, but believe me I’m bloody glad that it does!
RC 15-10-14
I kind of got dropped in it a bit at the garage today. Mac, the guy training me, decided he needed the day off to recover from a migraine that struck him yesterday afternoon. I was with him yesterday afternoon, and he seemed fine and never mentioned anything about feeling unwell, but maybe one of the symptoms of an impending migraine is that it takes away your ability to express your own pain.
God, I am cynical, aren’t I?
Part of me thinks this was a deliberate ploy by him and those above him to see how I might react in a crisis. If so, I think I passed with flying colours (once the panic attacks had subsided) as the day went by without a hitch. Mainly, I think, because there isn’t that much to fret about. As long as all the staff turn up (which they did) and they’re all well trained (which they seem to be) and you’ve ordered enough fuel to last the week (which we did) then not much else can go wrong. It’s not like the supermarket where I was constantly having to deal with damaged stock and awkward customers and stoned teenage workers. People just drive in and serve themselves, and then happily queue up at the till to pay over-the-odds for the liquid that gives them the means to travel.
I have no doubt that there’s more to it than that, and that little things will pop up that are troublesome and that I have to take responsibility for as the manager, but I’ve got time to learn and I’ll always have someone else I can call on for advice (assuming he’s not in bed with a migraine)
RC 14-10-14
It’s been a dull, dark, damp, dank, Wintry day in Norfolk.
The rain fell as if God had decided to punish us, and people’s moods reflected the state of the weather.
Here’s some haiku:
The falling hard rain
Seems to dampen people’s souls
and turn their hearts cold
Another new job
Comfort zone non-existent
and so much to learn
Even when it rains
Suffolk is a lovely place
and has nice people
Rainfall makes me low
As if it soaks away hope
and drowns happiness
All today’s haiku
Have “and” as first word, last line
and this is the same
RC 13-10-14
End of a tough first week; although it’s not the end as they’ve decided I should go in tomorrow morning to ‘experience the busiest shift we have’ so I can appreciate what goes on at the weekend. People buy petrol and associated products, what more could there be to know? Anyway I have been a good company man and agreed to go along and see what’s what. It’ll give me an opportunity to meet a couple more of the staff that will soon be mine to control. God, that’s a scary thought. My time in management has always been as a buffer between the real boss and the workforce, or as a stand-in when the real power was off; this will be my first full-time encounter with ultimate responsibility!!
Oh well - if it gets too much I can quit and go back to the supermarket!!!!!!!
That’s enough exclamation marks for one blog, I think.
After spending the morning at the garage, with the weather anticipated to be ‘warm and bright’ I shall be joining my beloved to go on a little road trip exploring the beaches of Suffolk, with a view to some weekend camping trips next Summer. Haven’t we come a long way as a couple? Now we finally have a settled location, and now I finally have a job with more sociable hours, we are daring to look ahead with something other than fear and uncertainty, and make plans! If this goes on I might even be willing to talk about a wedding. (But I wouldn’t hold your breath)
RC 10-10-14
It WAS a mistake by the Housesitting Agency. I called today and spoke to Harriet, who giggled and said “What a silly mare I am. I must have phoned you by accident. I meant to phone the Joneses, and your names are very close to each other in the alphabet.”
I said “No they’re not, my name’s Chesworth”
She giggled and said “Well, I must have looked the number up under the house owners name”
I said “I doubt it. They’re called Bannerman, that’s even further away”
She giggled and said “What a silly mare”
There are many things I could have called her, but ‘silly mare’ would not be one of them.
Anyway, I shared the whole affair with Philippa tonight and she said “I wish you’d told me about the message last night. I thought this relationship was being based on honesty and open-ness?”
I said “Well, I didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily”
She said “But now, until I learn to trust you completely again, I’ll be thinking that you might be keeping something else from me, so in that regard you ARE causing me unnecessary worry”
And that was the end of that for the evening.
So now I’m sitting on my own trying to work out which was the worst thing to hit my ears today - Harriet’s giggle or Philippa’s silence.
RC 9-10-14
I came home this evening to find what may be a potentially very disturbing message on our ansaphone. It was Harriet, one of the incompetent wenches at the Housesitting Agency. “Just to keep you up to speed. The homeowners haven’t settled too well at their new location and are looking at the possibility of returning earlier than planned. They’re going to give it another month before they decide. Bye!!”
Just when you thought it was safe to start feeling a bit settled, someone comes along and kicks you in the nutbits. Isn’t that the story of our relationship?
I’m thinking it likely that they’ve made a mistake. This is, after all, the Agency that forgot to tell us we’d been accepted as tenants in the first place, and the Bannermans seemed so certain they were making the right decision, and so determined to see it through come-what-may, that I can’t believe they might be changing their minds already. I’m going to call Harriet tomorrow and get some clarification.
In the meantime, I see no reason to bother Philippa with this occurrence, so please don’t tell her what I’ve told you.
RC 8-10-14
Have I bitten off more than I can possibly chew? Maybe I was a bit naïve, but I didn’t realise just how many rules and regulations and safety considerations there are when you’re the manager of a filling station attached to a supermarket.
I feel as if the truth has slapped me round the face like a Victorian lady who has had her ankles stared at.
I guess training for a new job can be a bit overwhelming like this. Hopefully things will settle down as the days goes by and then the stuff I had thrown at me today will all start to make sense. At the moment, I just feel like a bathtub that is full to overflowing with water, and yet someone is still trying to pour more water in the top and hoping none of it spills all over the floor.
I think I need a drink, and some food, and a cuddle from my beloved. And maybe a Laurel and Hardy DVD to take my mind off things and cheer me up.
The bathtub, by the way, represents my mind, with the water representing the information that is being poured into it. Just in case that wasn’t clear….
RC 7-10-14
Busy day, but not too heavy.
My trainer - a Welshman in his fifties called Mac Dennis - wanted to ease me in gently so we had a cuppa, then wandered around the store meeting people, then had a cuppa in the canteen, then met the store manager, then had a cuppa with him in his office, then went back to the canteen for lunch. The afternoon was spent at the garage itself, looking at the layout of the merchandise and talking a lot about how to plan how much fuel to order day-to-day. And drinking lots of tea.
Tomorrow we should get down to the ’nitty-gritty’ of the legal side of petrol control and management (or something).
In other news, it took me three minutes and twenty four seconds to get from the end of our drive to the car park entrance, and it took me four minutes and one second to get home. I love this new job already.
RC 6-10-14
I start my training fully today, and the good news is it’s all on-site. Originally they had said they wanted to send me away, but because there isn’t a manager in situ at present they’ve decided the guy training me can be stand-in manager at the same time as training me up, then when I’m ready he can step aside and leave me in charge, thereby facilitating a smooth handover process. (And, of course, saving themselves some money at the same time. This company is nothing if not frugal)
I am neither nervous nor excited, and that’s very weird. I think I’m just so relieved to have made a change that I’m floating on a cloud of indifference while reality carries on somewhere far below me. As a result, today may turn out to be a rude awakening or a pleasant surprise, but I really don’t mind which.
RC 6-10-14
October has started like a beautiful return to Spring. Temperatures in the late teens, lots of wildlife floating about and sunsets to warm the very soul of Man.
Philippa and I took advantage today by having a lovely walk and a lovely pub lunch. She says I’m like a new man. I argued that I’m the same man, but that I’m visible again after being hidden beneath the outer crust of a hardened, twisted, over-worked shell for the past few years. She said she was confused, and could we please order dessert?
I had a rather gorgeous peach melba cheesecake; Philippa enjoyed the trifle.
RC 4-10-14
I sometimes think October is my favourite month. I love the colours, the changes and the cuddles-to-keep-out-the-cold. Or maybe I just love it this year because I have this wonderful sense of freedom emanating from every atom in my body. It’s so nice to be free of the shackles of working at a place where your hours have to cover 6am - midnight 7 days a week. You never get a chance to own a particular time or a particular day because from one week to the next you have to change your life to suit your schedule. What a shitty way to live.
Do you notice I’m free from it now, but I’m still going on about it? Shows you how deep those wounds run, and how long it may take me to fully recover.
I’m confident though that, with a few weekends off under my belt and a regular routine established, I’ll be settled and sorted by the end of the year…..
RC 3-10-14
Autumn in Norfolk:
Brilliant colours abound;
The air feels cooler.
RC 2-10-14
That’s it! Last day at work done! I feel strangely emotional in a way I had not expected. I suppose, no matter how much of a downer a place of work has been, you’ve still spent a huge amount of time there and so there will be some residual subconscious attachments that will take a while to sever.
Did I really just say that?????
In truth, I feel completely relieved. They tried to give me a bit of a send-off but I received it with the same lack of enthusiasm it was offered with. I shook hands with Graham and he thanked me for all my efforts, and I just felt numb. None of the staff really seemed to give a shit, they were just standing there because they’d been told to and because it gave them an excuse to be away from their work stations for ten minutes.
I was given a card (signed by six people) and a voucher for fifty quid that could only be redeemed at that store, and that was my big thank you after slogging myself to death for them for a number of years.
Did I really just say that????? What a liar! Even someone with my eccentric imagination could not really describe my work ethic as ‘slogging.’
Anyway, the voucher will be useful as a Christmas present, and THANK GOD I never have to visit that dump again!
I’d love to get really drunk now, but I have to go to the NEW place tomorrow for ‘orientation’
It’ll take me exactly three minutes to drive there from home. What a chore!
RC 28-9-14
Well I found out why I’m the only manager on duty both days this weekend… Everyone else booked it off so they could watch The Ryder Cup.
I like pitch-and-putt as much as the next man, but would I want to spend three days in their entirety watching badly-dressed millionaire sportsmen slap a little ball around while amassed crowds whoop and holler tribally? Actually yes I would if it meant being away from the supermarket.
Anyway I’ve been behaving as befits someone who is leaving in less than 48 hours. I’ve been giving all the staff extra long breaks and I’ve given any customer who complained their entire weeks groceries for free.
RC 27-9-14
And so here I sit
Wasting time in the office
Instead of working
Two more days to go
Before Rory and this store
Go separate ways
Hurry up Sunday
Much more time in this building
Will send me insane
RC 26-9-14
We were chatting about things at the dinner table this evening (how very middle class!) I said how nice it is to feel settled and optimistic, and how nice it is to be discussing work without a bilious, vitriolic undertone to all my comments.
Philippa said “New house… new job… big changes. You may as well do every major life change at once - why don’t we get married soon?”
There are lots of reasons to answer that question with, but it turns out it was meant to be rhetorical…
RC 25-9-14
It’s finally starting to sink in that I’m leaving soon. I’m walking around a store that is, quite frankly, run badly and full of problems and unhappiness, but it’s all just bouncing off me now. Customers are moaning, staff are trying to make me feel bad, but I have an impregnable shield around me that is fuelled by the knowledge that I only have four more shifts, and then I‘m out. Even the fact that they’ve shafted me by making me work two long days at the weekend isn’t affecting me. I’ll just spend most of Sunday in the office, playing Sporcle.
It’s a lovely position to be in - knowing that whatever they throw at me in the next few days, I can just be aloof to it all and say “Not my problem after this week”
It’s better than being enslaved by a subconscious state of thinking “I have to take most of this, because they’re paying my wages and dictating my rotas and they basically have my balls in their pocket”
Leaving a job you hate is a wonderful boost to your mental health!
And technically, I’ll still be working for the same company, but there’s only ONE department to a filling station, and I’ll be the sole manager, so I can try to get things running how I want them, in a way that’s fair to everyone, without interference from others.
RC 24-9-14
A conversation from our ‘Perfect Domestic Environment’ this evening:
ME: If you like, I can start clearing out the garage next weekend
HER: Why would you do that?
ME: It would be nice to clear a space in there, for a drum kit, maybe
HER: Does this house strike you as a house that needs a drum kit in the garage?
ME: Well, it would be nice to start making it our own
HER: But it’s not ours
ME: No, but it might be in the future
HER: So you want to start re-arranging a house that isn’t ours, to make it look more like it is ours, in the vain hope that two years down the line or beyond, there might be a strange twist of circumstances that end with us buying it and staying here?
ME: Pretty much
HER: And what if it isn’t ours in the future?
ME: Then we’ll have had some practice at making a home our own, before we even get a home of our own. It’s a win-win situation.
Pause
HER: This new job of yours?
ME: What about it?
HER: You don’t work any evenings, right?
ME: Not unless we’re short staffed.
HER: And you get weekends off, right?
ME: Just work one Saturday a month.
Pause
HER: This could be a real test of our relationship..
Bloody women.
RC 23-9-14
And so begins my final week of work at the supermarket.
Graham is not happy. I’m supposed to give him three months notice and they haven’t had time to find a replacement, but the garage in Suffolk need me a.s.a.p and I’ve got to do two weeks training before I start. So Graham’s been told to shut up and get on with it! (Not by me, you understand, but by his area superiors)
It’s terrible really - I’ve been there a few years but I’m not bothered about leaving in the slightest. There’s none of my fellow managers that I’ll want to keep in touch with, I have no reservations about deserting ‘the Dairy Team’ and there’s no-one in the building I’ll miss, apart from Cheryl in the canteen, who makes the best lasagne in Norfolk. The whole thing has been a pretty unpleasant experience, and an episode of my life that I will never hope to repeat. How on Earth I’ve managed to maintain a small level of sanity and hang on to Philippa throughout these long, endless months of store work is beyond me, but maybe one day I’ll look back and be proud.
Philippa doesn’t know yet, but I’ve booked us a weekend away at the end of November. I’m going to take her to London and let her do Christmas shopping at all those expensive places that I would normally avoid by kilometres. She deserves lots of rewards for putting up with all my moanings and moodswings since we got together.
RC 22-9-14
I met another one of our neighbours today. A lovely woman called Geraldine. She’s a very sprightly 72-year-old who has lived in the village for the best part of 50 years. Her husband worked on the farm all his life, so they got the house with cheap rent as part of his employment, and even though he died shortly after retiring, the landowners still let her live there. Who says all farmers are arseholes?
The most amazing thing is that her mum still lives with her. Named Olive, she’ll be 98 (that’s NINETY-EIGHT) on Christmas Day, and still does some of the cooking! She only stopped doing the cleaning and hoovering two years ago because, Geraldine says, “She broke her wrist aged 96 and it slowed her down a bit..”
How did she break her wrist, I asked?
“She climbed on the worktop to try and dust the top of the kitchen cupboards, and she slipped on some spilt tea and fell awkwardly”
Amazing woman. I don’t even try to clean the top of our cupboards, and I’m only a third of her age!
RC 21-9-14
Foggy and dull, and Philippa is back in Norfolk playing badminton, so my day is clear and it’s not suitable for cycling. So - do I knuckle down into preparation for the new job by reading the information pack they sent me? Or do I crack on with housework and get the place looking spotless? Or do I go self-indulgent and spend all day watching films?
You know me so well….
Here’s the schedule so far:
10am - “MOON”
12pm - “TED”
2pm - “ELYSIUM”
Then I thought I’d pay tribute to the recently departed Robin Williams, by re-visiting three of his finest:
4pm - “DEAD POETS SOCIETY”
6pm - “MRS DOUBTFIRE”
8pm - “GOOD WILL HUNTING”
By then, Philippa should be home and my eyes should be irreversibly square-shaped.
RC 20-9-14
I don’t think I’ll be going back to sleep for a while. I’ve just had a dream in which I was kidnapped while travelling on a tram. I had a bag put over my head and I was dragged along a cobbled road by my feet, with my face banging against the floor and my knees twisted painfully. Then I was tied to a chair naked and had about 300 slugs tipped over my body. Then someone said “Now you’re in trouble…. The Kingpin is here” and they took the bag off my head, and Oprah Winfrey was sitting on a sofa in front of me, smoking a cigar. I was shaking with cold and someone said “This will only get worse if you don’t tell the truth” and then the room started filling up with milk. Oprah put on some scuba gear, and just as the milk went over my head I woke up…
RC 19-9-14
