Sunburn... spy stuff... what a week!

May came in like February and went out like August. What a strange country we live in. I’ve given up trying to suss out how global warming might be affecting my local climate, I just sit in the garden with a glass of red wine and stop thinking about it. The back garden here in the new pad is lovely. Two apple trees and a few tall bushes, and a nice oak bench for me to sit on and lord it up like Rory Big-Balls. There’s no real view to speak of, but there are plenty of birds to look at, and we’re far enough from our neighbours to not have them staring at us when they look out of the windows, which means a lot. We’re in a little cul-de-sac with five other houses in a semi-circle, and so far we haven’t heard a peep out of anyone, so it seems to be a very quiet neighbourhood. That’ll all change when I buy myself a drum kit.
I have to go now - I need to top up my glass of wine, and I have a sudden urge to find out what the literal translation of ’cul-de-sac’ is.
See you in June….  

RC 31-5-12

Bug-free and brassic

My SpyShop SuperSurveillance BugFinder TenThousand arrived yesterday, looking incredibly unimpressive in its little Jiffy bag. You’d think at the price I paid for it the least they could do would be to put it in a box, but no. They couldn’t stretch to sending batteries either, the cheap bastards.
Anyway, long story short, I spent four hours walking around the house, as instructed by the three-pages-of-almost-too-small-to-read-and-badly-translated-English instruction booklet, holding this tiny little device near all the electrical sockets and waiting for it to go ‘beep’ and it did nothing. 
It’s nice to know for sure that we’re not being spied on from Hong Kong (or anywhere else for that matter), but I’ve also blown sixty quid on something I’ll never use again….

RC 30-5-12

Gambling problems ahoy..

I’ve entered into some weird football prediction game with Ted’s son Alan (the gambler) and his friends. We’ve all put £10 into a kitty, then we all have to predict the final score of each game at the upcoming European Tournament (or whatever the hell its called) You get one point for each correct score and the person with the most points after the final match gets all the money. There’s quite a few of us in it, so there’s quite a nice bit of cash at the end of it all, and after my success at predicting the score in the FA Cup final I don’t see how I can lose!

RC 29-5-12

The most pointless fact I have ever blogged..

If you count one number per second, it would take you 11 days, 13 hours, 46 minutes and 40 seconds to count up to one million.

RC 28-5-12

Proverbially speaking

I had one of those “I’m bored at work and happen to have a pen and paper in my pocket” moments today, so here are some brand new proverbs I’ve invented.
Make of them what you will….


“Sharks swim deepest in murky waters”
“Being a Buddhist doesn’t make you a bender”
“Better a wise sheep than a pregnant owl”
“Two heads are better than six fingers“
“Only a man with the breath of a lion can resist the advance of a tiger”
“Idle hands make thicker porridge”
“All poofs are not poets; but all poets are poofs”
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can get the weekend girl who fancies you to do for free on Sunday”
“Open minds make open wounds (and vice versa)”
“Never step in a puddle if your wellies were made in a desert”
“A ‘short, sharp shock’ is never the answer… unless the question you’re asking is ‘What do you get if you cross your tongue with a 9Volt battery’”
“Older… wiser… wetter…”


RC 27-5-12

Animal Instincts (+ haiku)

I had a drum lesson today. I’ve never had one on a Saturday before and it cost me six quid more than a midweek one. I said “Why is it more expensive?” She said “Because it’s Saturday” as if that was the most obvious thing in the world. Supply and demand? Profiteering? I don’t know, but I know these two things: there must be a lot of spoilt kids around if they’re parents are prepared to pay these prices for weekend tuition, and I’m damn well never having a Saturday lesson again…

The sun is shining
My heart is lifted daily
By Summer weather

The lawns at this house
Take nearly three hours to mow
Why should I bother?

Rory house-sitting
Is like Charlie Sheen sober
It doesn’t seem right

RC 26-5-12

At last, I've packed away my fleeces..

We’ve finally had some sunny weather! After the wettest April ever and a wintry start to May I was beginning to give up on Spring, but she’s back baby. 23 degrees in the back garden this afternoon. (I don’t think I’ll get used to having a front and back garden - how middle-class!)
This house is too big for us really, but we’re not paying for it so who cares?
I haven’t really told you much about the house itself, have I? That’s probably because I’m paranoid about anything happening to it while we’re here, and I worry that if I describe it too clearly you’ll work out where it is and come round one day and trash the place.
For now I shall just tell you it is a four bedroomed detached house in the suburbs, in a very respectable and desirable part of town, and it now has a battered old rusty green camper van outside it! 

RC 25-5-12

..Part 4

Almost a week in the house, and it feels like home already. 
We’re falling into a pattern regarding which parts of the house are the territory of which person. The kitchen is neutral ground where we chat and catch up and one of us cooks tea. The dining room (I’ve never had a dining room before!) is also shared property, but then the bathroom upstairs, the lounge and the main bedroom are Philippa’s domain, while I have bragging rights to the downstairs bathroom, the smaller bedroom upstairs and the ‘den’, which is fine by me, as the ‘den’ has a TV with a separate digibox, and I can hide in there and watch National Geographic in the evenings.
After my conversation with Gav the other day, I’ve checked round the house as much as possible and so far haven’t found any cameras. I’ve also been through all David’s desks and drawers to look for relevant instruction manuals, but again I’ve come up empty-handed. You never know, though, so I’ve been online to a ‘Spy Shop’ in London and I’ve ordered a device that scans your whole house for surveillance equipment and beeps if it finds any bugs. It should arrive by Tuesday.
Call me paranoid if you will, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.

RC 24-5-12

Blogs, etc; Part 3

We’ve broken something already.
I was cooking tea in the wonderful, spacious, modern kitchen, while Philippa was polishing things that looked like she’d already polished them this morning. In a moment of spectacularly bad timing, I dropped a colander full of hot vegetables onto the table at the very second after Philippa had put the kitchen mirror down to spray it with Windolene. It now has a big crack right across the middle of it. Philippa almost burst into tears but decided her time and breath would be better spent in calling me a variety of names while hitting me with a duster. If this is what co-habitation is like, you can keep it… 

RC 23-5-12

Blogs from.. R & P; Part 2

I had lunch at work today with Gav, the guy who put us in contact with David and Becky. He asked what I thought of the house and I said it’s lovely and thanked him for his part in us ending up living there. He was laughing about David and Becky being ultra-security conscious. He says they spent nearly as much money on making the house safe as they did on buying it in the first place. He also claims they have cameras INSIDE the house which they can access remotely via the internet, so they’ll be able to keep an eye on us from Hong Kong. I’m not sure if he’s just trying to wind me up, or even if what he said was technologically possible, but I’m going to ban Philippa from walking around the house naked until I know for sure..

RC 22-5-12

Blogs from the home of Rory and Philippa; Part 1

WE’RE IN!!!
Being here doesn’t feel the way I expected it to.
I thought I would feel all grown-up, liberated and excited. Instead I just feel overwhelmed, lost and unsettled. I’m sure I’ll feel better once we’ve found our feet, as they say. This is, after all, the first time I’ve ever moved house (going away to uni was different as I knew I’d be coming back in the holidays) It’s also the first time I’ve ever moved in with a girlfriend, which is only just starting to sink in. With my usual pessimism and nervousness I’m expecting our relationship to fall apart within a week and the house to fall apart shortly afterwards.
I’ve had a good nose-about the place, and it’s all very nice. I’ve never lived in a house with two bathrooms before. Either they’ve packed most of their possessions away in storage, or they’re not big on ornaments and things. Most rooms are rather sparsely furnished and plainly decorated, which suits me fine. It means there’s less stuff to move when we hoover, which so far Philippa has done every four hours.
Best thing is that there’s a big spare room, so Tamara and Sophie can come and stay with us when they visit!
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and work out how to use a dishwasher!

RC 21-5-12

2BUSY2BLOG

This week ahead is going to be chaos. We’re re-branding our department at work, so all the shelves have to be cleared and cleaned and moved and re-stacked. So I’m working extra hours. I’m so glad they’ve decided to do this in the week that I have to pack to move house…
The next time you hear from me I may well be in my new home.

RC 12-5-12

Dents and Events

This will be my last weekend in this house! I’d like to celebrate by getting drunk and trashing the place but I can’t, because I’ve got to work tomorrow and Sunday so I can have both days off next weekend. I guess it would be a bit rude to turn the place into a shithole anyway, seeing as Hannah will still be living here after I’ve gone.


I took TheLoveMachine to a garage today, to get a quote for fixing the dent on the door. He gave me a figure that is roughly equivalent to two weeks wages.  I then called my insurance company to see if they would pay for it, only to be told I am not covered for damage while parked and I should try and contact the person who hit me. Short of stealing CCTV footage from a restaurant car park I’m not entirely sure how I could do that, so I hung up the phone and then threw it against the wall. (I was using the phone in the office at work, so it didn’t matter) I then called back the man at the garage (using the phone on Ginger Graham’s desk) and said “Go **** yourself. She looks better with a dent, in my opinion.”

RC 11-5-12

A little list.... or two

THINGS GUARANTEED TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH IF YOU SAY THEM WHILE THEY ARE DRUNK:

BOOBY TRAP backwards is PARTY BOOB

THINGS WE SHOULD ALL KNOW, BUT THAT IT DOESN’T HURT TO BE REMINDED OF OCCASIONALLY…

Electrical items tend to work a lot better if you make sure you plug them in before using them..

AND A QUICK CHEERFUL HAIKU:

The clock keeps ticking
Counting away our life’s days
Until we reach death

RC 10-5-12

Hong Kong? Wrong!

I was thinking of researching some information on Hong Kong, but then decided I couldn’t be bothered, so I stayed in bed with a notepad and made some up instead:


‘Hong Kong’ gets it’s name from the Cantonese phrase meaning ‘foggy rubbish tip’
The Mayor of Hong Kong from 1917 - 1925 was called LONG DONG.
Hong Kong is the only city in the world that has a Museum of Fossilised Perineums.
Hong Kong’s premier ladies football team are called the HK Beavers.
The most densely populated street in the city has 17 houses per square foot of land.
It is illegal for four-year-olds to smoke cigars while skateboarding.
Due to an ancient law, everyone in Hong Kong has to eat raw meat on a Thursday.
Sacred animals in the city are the Peregrine Falcon and the Weasel.
Coincidentally, the most popular pub names in the city are ‘the Peregrine Falcon’ and ‘the Weasel’
Hong Kong’s name in Latin is an anagram of “BOUNCY CASTLE”


I’m off to get a life now…

RC 8-5-12

Another bank holiday; another day of rain

I might suggest to David and Becky that instead of house-sitting for them we take on their job in Hong Kong. At least the weather would be better. I’m sick of this stupid country with it’s stupid climate and it’s stupid wet weather and it’s stupid inhabitants who come into the supermarket for barbecue meat even though it’s torrential rain and then have a go at me about it as if I’m controlling the weather and deliberately made it piss down just to ruin their Bank Holiday.
Jeez, that may be the longest sentence I’ve written in 5 years of this blog…

RC 7-5-12

Hunch; Lunch; Crunch

Philippa had a go at me this morning, which was just what I needed with a thumping hangover. Apparently I didn’t pay her enough attention on Saturday night, and I took advantage of her hobbling state to be away from her and flirting with bar staff. 
Her ‘hobbling state’ by the way is nothing to be concerned about. She had her appointment at the hospital this week (which I, as a good loyal boyfriend, accompanied her to) and after X-rays and scans and a good old feel from a specialist she was told “It’s nothing serious. You’ve upset the ligaments but it doesn’t need any treatment. Just rest it and try not to be impatient.”
I would have thought that was good news, but not according to Philippa. She’s angry and upset because they didn’t say exactly what she wanted, and being a spoilt child she’s reacting badly, and most of that anger and upset is being directed at me. So this morning I said something like “I’m not the one who injured you, and I’m not the one who told you to rest it, so stop treating me like the bad guy just because you didn’t get exactly what you wanted from the hospital”
I may have also called badminton “that stupid sport for lesbians” at some point, but I’m not sure.
Anyway, I took her out for a late roast dinner by way of apology, and while we were there some bastard reversed into TheLoveMachine and drove off without saying anything, so I now have a dent in the driver’s door.
So now we’re both in a bad mood.
Tomorrow I’m working the early shift (5am start, but paid double-time and a day off in lieu, thank you very much) then I’m settling down with Ted to watch the World Snooker Final.  Ted may be moody at times, but at least he’s not obsessed with his own ankles, and he’s unlikely to reverse into me while we’re sitting on the sofa, so hopefully I’ll have a better day…

RC 6-5-12

Winners and Boozers

I’m a bit drunk.
I worked the early shift today, and since 4pm we’ve been at Philippa’s sports club for an FA Cup Final party. I wasn’t interested in the football, but it gave me a chance to drink lager at cheap member’s prices, and Philippa got to moan about her ankle to people that weren’t me for a change.
The best thing about the evening? They had a competition where you had to predict what the score would be, who the goalscorers would be, and which minutes of the match the goals would be scored. AND I WON!!!  You should have seen some of the faces in the room when they realised an unsporty outsider had outsmarted them! So I’ve had an excellent night out and I’ve ended up £75 better off than when I left the house! As they say in sporting circles - GET IN THERE!!
We left early as I’m a bit tired after an early start, and because Philippa has got the hump with me about something. I don’t know what, but that’s nothing new and I’m not gonna let it spoil my mood!

RC 5-5-12