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I reached 888 blog posts this week. That was a very sobering thought, which is just as well coz I was pissed as a fart when I realised.
Anyway I’ve failed in my bid to post one fewer blog post each calendar month (unless I write a separate one later just to prove a point) so I’m changing my Blog Challenge For The Year to read “Do an odd number of postings each month” It’s not much if a challenge, I know, but I’m feeling talentless and lacking confidence at the moment, so I need to set my targets low.
To end on a more positive note - IT’S MARCH TOMORROW!!
The end of Winter is in sight!!
Rejoice!!
RC 28-2-13
I’m trying to persuade Philippa to book a holiday. We’ve saved quite a nice amount since starting this house-sitting lark, and I think it would be nice to have a good trip abroad in late Spring. Philippa says we can’t because we mustn’t desert a house while we’re sitting in it, so I said we should book it for after we finish at David and Beckys and before we go into somewhere else. Philippa then said we should use the savings as a deposit for a house, so I said there’s no point trying to buy at the moment as prices are so uncertain. So Philippa then said we should keep saving for when we have children, so I said if we’re going to get into The Family Game this’ll be the last chance we have for a holiday with just the two of us, and shouldn’t we take advantage of that and enjoy it? And so the long evening of debate goes on… and on… and on…
I’d better get back to her now as I’m sure she must have come up with another pot of pessimistic piss to throw on my optimistic parade by now.
RC 27-2-13
I’ve copped out and done a list again:
10 THINGS I’M MULLING OVER IN MY MIND TONIGHT
Drumming, and my complete lack of improvement at it.
Work, and my complete lack of optimism for it.
The ongoing pain in my shoulder (I’m still trying to milk it even though it’s feeling much better)
Another big family lunch on Sunday (yay!)
This is the longest, coldest Winter I can remember (ever!)
I wonder how much horsemeat I’ve eaten in the supermarket canteen?
Why am I seeing adverts about Christmas when we’re still in ****ing February?
I wonder if the spelling on my tattoo has corrected itself since the last time I had a look at it?
How many people with a science degree are currently working in a supermarket?
When did I stop being able to write a good blog post?
RC 26-2-13
Horrible shoulder
My scapula feels just like
A snapped axle-rod
Oh for pain-free sleep
I toss and turn, hour to hour
Like a tortured cat
When will the pain end?
Probably when I take pills
Instead of moaning…
RC 24-2-13
Shoulder problem has flared up again, spectacularly. It’s so painful I can hardly lift my hand so I’m typing this left-handed. So please read slowly as I can’t type very fast with that hand.
God knows what I’ve done, but it’s throbbing, aching and stiff, and I’ve got an awful tingling sensation all the way down my right arm. Maybe I’m having a very slow-moving heart attack. Either that, or a series of small strokes. (As you can see, my habit of leaping to the worst-case scenario hasn’t been affected by the injury.)
I don’t know what to do. Would I be more comfortable laying down, or sitting up? Should I see a doctor in the morning or give it a couple of days to clear up? Should I take some painkillers, or will that deaden the sensation and make it likely I’ll do more damage without realising? These are just a few of the many questions that pop into my tortured mind every few seconds or so.
I asked Philippa for advice and sympathy and she replied with “Mmmm - remember what you used to say to me when I complained about my ankle?”
I have a feeling she’s been waiting a long, long time to stab me in the heart with that one.
RC 20-2-13
We had our long-anticipated, long-awaited, once-postponed and much-rehearsed interview with the house-sitting agency today. Philippa was so nervous she was sick before we left the house. At least, I hope she was nervous because if she wasn’t it might have been morning sickness.
Anyway, we had the interview and it was fine. The questions Philippa had made me practise answering were never asked, but I still gave the answers that she’d made me memorise, because she’d been so bloody insistent about them. So now the manager of the firm probably thinks I’m a mentally unfit imbecile who is as trustworthy with a house as James Blunt would be with a Beatles song.
Anyway, it all seemed to go off without a hitch. They shook our hands before we left and seemed to be smiling genuinely. They do some further background checks now and then come to look at the current house (for which they have to get David and Becky’s permission) then they should let us know for definite in a couple of weeks. All being well, we could be on their list of house-sitters in a month or so. Then it’s just a case of matching us up with a suitable property and suitable owners. Philippa is convinced that it was a disaster, obviously. She’s normally so confident and optimistic, but when it comes to things that she desperately wants she tends to err on the side of caution and look forward to the future about as much as a mouse living in a hotel looks forward to an upcoming Cats Club Convention. Bless her. I cooked her a nice meal and ran her a nice bath and I think she feels a lot better now. The interview is over, there’s nothing else we can do about it now. All we can do is wait and see and make sure the house is tidy when they pay us a visit.
Anyway, my shoulder felt fine today, in case you were wondering. Philippa’s hot-and-cold trick seems to have worked a treat. Maybe I should start listening to her more often instead of casting her ideas aside the way a fisherman might cast aside a tiddler.
(That’s three of those you’ve had from me now. I think it’s time I signed off and went to bed. Especially considering you‘ve had three ‘Anyways’ as well… I do spoil you!)
RC 19-2-13
My bloody shoulder is killing me. I moved awkwardly at work today and felt a weird ‘pop’ in the back of the socket but it didn’t hurt. I couldn’t be arsed to put it in the Accident Book because it didn’t seem worth reporting, but the trouble is that it stiffened up during the afternoon and now it feels as if someone has left a hot carving knife in my scapula. I might try and complain about it when I go in tomorrow but I can guess what the response would be: “You had all your health and safety training and we have all the paperwork to prove it, so if you’re hurt it’s your own fault. Go feck yourself.”
Bloody big businesses with their We-Don’t-Give-A-Shit-Just-Make-Us-Money attitude towards staff. I could be crippled for life now and never work again but what do they care?
Philippa has suggested I use a hot water bottle and an ice pack in rotation to get the blood flowing around the area and calm the inflammation. She also said I should stop moaning because if I’d written it in the Accident Book like I’m supposed to I would have been entitled to a day off.
Thanks for your support, honey.
RC 18-2-13
Sorry about the last few days, but I seem to have fallen into the habit of writing lists at work and then putting them up online as blog postings. It’s a lazy, amateur, at-arms-length way of communicating with you and it’s less than you deserve. Next thing you know I’ll be filling up my blog postings with haiku again…
Sometimes I’m lazy,
and blogging feels like hard work,
So I don’t bother.
RC 17-2-13
As I fight the last throes of my Winter depression, here are some silly sums I’ve been doing to make myself feel better and to help convince my dark side that Spring is on the way:
We are now more than halfway through February.
The amount of time we have to wait for BST is now shorter than the amount of time we’ve had since Christmas.
Today is the first day this year with more than 10 hours of daylight.
It won’t be dark before 5pm again for at least another 8 months.
This coming Spring simply can’t be as wet and dull as last years. It just CAN’T.
RC 16-2-13
Bored at work? Happen to have a pen and notepad in your pocket?
YES - so I did this:
Rory's Totally Fabricated Valentine's Day Facts
Valentine's Day is named after Raphael Hockman Valentine, an 18th Century priest who invented stupid holidays to help him sell more chocolate.
'The St Valentine's Day Massacre' was the original title of The Beatles album 'Abbey Road' but John Lennon decided to change it because the cover photo was too bloody.
In Portugal and Nicaragua, Valentine's Day is celebrated on September 17th.
Foxes in Oxfordshire will only mate on Valentine's Day.
It is illegal in Massachusetts for a woman to NOT have sex with you if you buy her red roses on February 14th.
All red roses in Europe are descendants of a rare African flower that was accidentally brought over from Mali by a migrating bat.
If we ever have a solar eclipse on February 14th, the ghost of St Valentine will rise from the grave and garotte the incumbent pope with a leather shoelace.
Jesus lost his virginity on St Valentines Day, a fact documented in the lost book of the Bible called "Coitus Christus"
Todays' date is 14.2.2013. If you add those numbers together, you get 14...
VALENTINE'S DAY is an anagram of "WASTE OF MONEY THAT ONLY IDIOTS BUY INTO"
I'd better rush off to buy a card now before Philippa gets back from badminton....
RC 14-2-13
I stepped in some cat shit today. If you’re not familiar with feline faeces they tend to be smaller than the dog variety but pack a much more potent olfactory irritant. In other words - they stink. It may surprise you to learn then that I didn’t notice I had stood in it until after I had reached the staff room at work, by which time I had managed to trample it through most of the store. No-one, especially those hard-working members of the cleaning department, were pleased with me. I couldn’t really care less, until I realised that the car park is rather devoid of cats at all times, meaning I must have stood in it BEFORE arriving at work, which meant I must have had it on my shoes while driving in… and sure enough - TheLoveMachine STINKS. God knows how I didn’t notice earlier. I blame the fact that the heater doesn’t work, and the fact that I don’t really wake up enough to smell properly until after 11am. That poor vehicle has had some run-ins with animals. Cats piss, dog hairs, all manner of different shite-stains. I may as well leave the bloody doors open every night and let Nature do what it wants with it. In the meantime, I shall get the plebs at the Car Wash near the bus station to clean out the innards for a tenner. I hope they spend the tips they get on nose-plugs.
RC 13-2-13
It’s still freezing cold
This is the longest Winter
I can remember
A bitter cold wind
Totally dominating
The Norfolk landscape
If Spring doesn’t rush
I shall end up being found
Hanging from a tree
RC 12-2-13
I feel as rough as an old dirt track today.
I also feel like someone has removed my waist and replaced it with an inner tube from a tractor wheel. My liver is like an alcohol-soaked sponge and my guts are like a large sack full to bursting. I can remember clearly how much I ate last night, but I can’t believe I managed to fit it all in my stomach. What a meal we had! And what a pig I was!
I’m reminded of a book I read about feasts that the Romans had, where they would eat about nine separate courses over a number hours, and would frequently pause to throw up so they could make space to put the next plateful.
Fat bastards.
I wish I had mentioned throwing up. It’s made me feel rather giddy again.
I’m off for some orange juice and some aspirin.
RC 10-2-13
I’ve finally got official permission to attend my little course on Tuesday evenings. I had to jump through hoops, provide written documentation that proved the course was genuine and that I had been accepted on it, and generally cow and beg and curtsey before Graham finally agreed to allow it. He did throw in the caveat that ‘if we’re understaffed and busy I may have to call you in at short notice” but if he thinks I’ll respond to that he can kiss my hairy bung-hole.
Tomorrow is our lovely family get-together/meal-out-thing. Hannah and Nathan, Sophie and Tamara, Philippa and I; a large table in a decent restaurant and hopefully lots of wine. It’s incredible exciting, but also incredibly nerve-wracking, and I’m not sure why. Maybe I’ve been building up this ‘family back together’ situation too much and I’m now scared that it might go wrong somehow. Sophie has only had to put up with her brother in short doses for the past few years, so maybe she won’t even like me that much and I’ll end up with a big sister who lives close enough to visit but isn’t close enough emotionally to want to see me.
God, I worry about some old shite don’t I?
Hopefully, now I’ve written that down, it’ll get it out of my head and I can go back to being excited, instead of nervous.
I’m off to the ‘self-help’ section of the library now….
RC 8-2-13
I had a bizarre encounter with someone today. I stopped the car for a pee in a village I’ve never been in before, and as I walked back to the car a middle-aged woman in a duffle coat came up to me. I thought she was going to have a go at me for urinating in the churchyard, but what she said was “Have you seen a thirty-strong group of walkers go past here?”
She’d turned up late for some hiking club and didn’t have a clue how to find them. She obviously thought I was a resident of the village and might be able to help her track them down.
I couldn’t even tell her where a footpath was.
She went off in a bad mood, obviously blaming me for all her woes.
The funny thing is that I spotted the group about 5 minutes later from my car! I nearly ran them over on my way out of the village. They were all armed with those weird Nordic Walking sticks and marched straight across the road in front of me as if the fact that they were nature lovers could shield them from the impact.
Bloody ramblers.
RC 7-2-13
It bloody snowed again last night.
Bloody winter.
I make the mistake of posting a positive-sounding blog for a change and God has to punish me by covering the county in snow again.
In times like this, the only way I can express myself is through ANGRY HAIKU:
Why do we need snow?
It just makes things look dirty
Snow can kiss my sack
RC 6-2-13
Sophie and Tamara are firmly settled in Norfolk! Well, they’ve arrived, I imagine it’ll take longer than one night in their new flat before they start feeling ‘settled.’ It’s great to have them here though. Just knowing that my sister is only 20 or so miles away makes me feel happier than I’ve been for a long time. Hannah has arranged for us all to go out for a ‘Welcome Back To Norfolk’ meal this weekend, which is nice of her. It’s going to be great to spend some time together without them having to think about travelling back to Edinburgh, and without me having to think about getting up for some stupid work shift I’m committed to. Philippa and I popped over last night and their flat is very, very nice indeed. When you say the word ‘flat’ I expect some dingy little one-bedroomed dump with magnolia walls and a pokey kitchen, but this isn’t like that at all. It’s lovely, and the kitchen is bigger than our bathroom. It’ll be like cooking In the TARDIS. I’ve offered to take some days off work to help decorate and when Sophie asked why I said ‘because I really want to help out.’ She said ‘but have you ever decorated before?’ I said ‘No, but I’d really like to help out’ So she said ‘well I’d really like to perform open heart surgery, but I’m not trained to operate so I think it’s best to leave it to professionals.’
I took her comment with good grace, then felt hurt and defensive on the way home. I wondered aloud if I’d offended her, and whether it would be best to stay away for a while. Philippa told me to grow up and concentrate on my driving. So I broke the speed limit and only kept two fingers on the steering wheel.
If you haven’t guessed by now I’ve had a LOT of coffee today.
RC 5-2-13
It’s bloody freezing again. Just as I start getting excited about the imminent onset of Spring, another Winter’s day comes round the corner to kick me in the teeth, like a mugger armed with a dose of SAD.
Luckily I had an early shift at work to distract me from the weather, and tonight I shall continue to ignore the elements by drinking red wine and indulging in some Madden NFL on my chosen games console. Then I’m gonna sit up all night watching the Super Bowl. My prediction is that the Baltimore Ravens win by 7, but when have I ever got a Super Bowl prediction right?
All being well, Sophie and Tamara should be somewhere between Yorkshire and Lincolnshire by now. Their estimated arrival time is 8pm tonight, and we’ll be popping over to see them tomorrow.
Assuming we’re not bloody well snowed in again.
Bloody weather.
RC 3-2-13
Yesterday was my favourite day of the year so far. It always is one of my favourite days of the year. I love it because we get to change the calendar, meaning the longest, darkest month of the year is over and making us one month nearer to Springtime! The year is one-twelfth over, and I feel at least one-twelfth better.
I’ve checked online, and from now on, sunrise will be 2 minutes earlier every day, and sunset will be 2 minutes later. There are good times ahead, my friends.
And to top it all off with a big sister-shaped cherry - Sophie moves back to Norfolk tomorrow!!
Good. Times. Ahead.
RC 2-1-13
