...and breathe...

Ok. Time to be honest. Philippa and I are having a few difficulties.
There - I've said it, possibly for the first time in this blog, because it's probably the first time it's happened since we got together. And I know I've moaned about her before, and I know I've talked about 'issues' we've been having, and I know I've jokingly talked about us being in trouble on days when we've had a bit of a falling out; but this is different. Very different. We seem to be stuck in a slow spiral of sniping and spite and neither of us seems to know how to put the brakes on.
I think we're both very tired and we've lost our relationship a bit to the realities of being a family and before we realised it was happening we have hit a point where we don't know how to start it over again. The little things we loved have become the big things that annoy us and anything that happens seems to be the other person's fault, and we're both as guilty as each other and both seem incapable of taking a step back and apologising. And I really don't know what we can do about it. I'm working long hours, she's trying to juggle motherhood with working part-time at a doctor's surgery while also trying to kick-start her career as a self-employed sports massage therapist. And there are two energetic boys that we love dearly but who are adding a level of extra anguish and an extra layer of pressure to the whole thing.
It's just all so exhausting and I think we're stuck in an uncomfortable pattern and it's easier to have a go at each other than to have a go at making things better.
Maybe the answer is a couple of days away together. Everyone kept telling us it's important to have 'couples time' away from your children but we always felt guilty if we even considered it. And we genuinely, honestly both love spending all our time with them, and hate not being with them. But maybe a weekend somewhere would do us the world of good. A 'clear the air' time to reconnect and rekindle our affections.
But when? I'm locked into the busiest time of year with my employment, and that won't ease off until the Autumn, and I'm almost certain Philippa won't like the idea of losing a chance for some weekend business. But maybe I'll have a quiet word with Gavin and see if he can give me a couple of days off one week and the use of a hotel spa somewhere, just to give us a break from the house and a chance to breathe and be.
Because if something doesn't happen soon, then I'm worried something will happen soon; if you see what I mean. And I cannot bear the thought of losing her.

RC 7-6-24