Past Imperfect Imperfections

Fuelled by lack of sleep and insanity, I have found myself unexpectedly wallowing in my own past today. I keep having weird little flashbacks to things I did at university, or things that happened when I was young at home, or things I did wrong in relationships in the years before The Philippa.
Why is this happening?
I have no idea, but I seem unable to stop it. It's been a long, long time since I dwelled on any of this stuff, and yet today it seems to be dominating my thoughts and repelling my best efforts to reject it. It's as if one minor memory opened up a door that was subsequently kicked in by everything I've done before that I think might be questionable or shameful. I mean - it's not as if my younger years were packed full of immoral or criminal behaviour; in fact in many ways my past life is embarrassingly uneventful, but today I seem to be recriminating myself ruthlessly and mercilessly and unforgivingly. Every little misplaced comment, or misinterpreted emotion, or strange motive is being thrown at me by my own mind and it's making me feel quite horrible.
Maybe it's a sign that I have changed as a person, and that my 39-year-old self is looking back on its previous person as one it is not proud of. Maybe it's a consequence of being a parent - I want to be a great role model for my children and I have to accept that at times I simply have not been that (even though I wasn't a parent when I 'committed' those supposed 'atrocities'.)
Maybe I just have a really good life right now, but being a slightly depressive and self-loathing personality, I am having to look back to find reasons to feel bad about myself.
Whatever the catalyst, it has affected me so much today that I am seriously thinking of looking up local therapists and seeing if I can get a quick appointment.

Actually, having re-read what I've just written, I think I may have the answer myself, without the need to approach a specialist: I am rapidly approaching 40, and it is obviously affecting my subconscious more than I wish to admit....

RC 13-11-23