Too far forward?

I have found myself thinking about Christmas today.

I’m not sure why. Probably because we’re a week away from the end of this month, and it’s normally the early part of September when our higher-ups in the company start hassling us to put maximum December profits at the top of our thought processes.  Might also be down to the fact that I looked at my on-desk calendar and realised that 4 months from today will be Christmas Eve. It gave me, I must confess, a weird unexpected rush of excitement. The thought of the date itself gave rise to some of the feelings I experience on that most-enjoyable day of every year.

But should I be looking ahead to it already?

What is lacking in my life today, on this quiet Monday, that forces me to forecast into the future and anticipate niceness and contentment?

Maybe I’m overthinking it there, but I do feel rather lacking of in-the-moment serenity and joy. Being stuck in my little office dealing with dozens of Head Office e-mails, staffing issues and constantly-crashing ordering software is giving me a bit of an irritated wick. So projecting to the Yuletide season and imagining another great collection of offspring birthday, wedding anniversary and family get-togethers is lightening my mood and tickling my soul.

If 2020 has taught us one thing, however, it is that planning ahead and expecting things to be the same as before are really bad moves. And maybe that’s why I’m thinking about it. We just don’t know what sort of state we’ll all be in when Winter comes winging around. There could be local lockdowns aplenty, there could be less restrictions, there could be a National Curfew in place, or any combination of weird regulations sitting somewhere in between those three scenarios. We just don’t know. But we WANT to know. We want to turn our backs on this weird year of shiteness and feel comfort in the fact that Christmas will be just what Christmas always is – a time of love, hugs, family and giving; not a time of avoiding, distancing, coughing and Zoom.

 

Actually – forget all that shit I just typed. I think the reason I’m thinking about Christmas is simply this: I noticed last night that I had to close our curtains and turn our lights on by 8.30pm. That to me is a sign that Summer is running away from us and the dark nights are closing in quick. I frigging hate the lack of sunlight in Winter, and I’m already seeing the blackness closing in around me. The only highlight/respite from all that depressing dark is the spinkly, tinkly weeks around Xmas. So, in my head, I am already reaching for that far-flung island of brightly-coloured, beautifully-wrapped festivity and trying to ignore the swollen sea of Winter that we are inexorably sailing into.

 

God, it’s hard being me sometimes.

RC 24-8-20