Sports shorts

For any aliens who may have landed on the planet recently, and having perfected their physical impression of humans would now like to be able to impersonate their behaviour, and who have realised that many people interact through various sports, and would like to know more about them all in the hope of better fitting-in, I present
RORY’S GUIDE TO BRITISH SPORTS:

Golf:  A game in which stupidly dressed middle-aged men are charged ridiculous amounts of money to walk around a garden centre hitting a small ball with a curtain pole. 
Football: A game in which two teams of millionaires with apparent brittle-bone disease fall over each other while amassed thousands lose themselves in an orgy of tribal ignorance. 
Boxing:  see ‘marriage’
Hockey:  A game in which people from posh schools do impressions of Richard III brandishing a mis-shapen headless broom.
Polo: see ‘Hockey’ and add horses
Cricket (T20):  A bat-and-ball game in which the object is to hit as many cars in the car park as possible. 
Cricket (ODI): A bat-and-ball game in which the object is to give people something to watch while they spend the day getting blind drunk and singing.
Cricket (Test): A bat-and-ball game in which the object is to stand still long enough for your feet to take root in the ground.
Formula 1: A game in which idiots spend large sums of money to watch other idiots drive past them very fast. 
Horse Racing: An event in which poor people gather in the hope of looking richer than they are by wearing clothes they can’t afford and handing large sums of money over to cockneys. 

RC 21-7-16