Conkers/bonkers

Hannah - that strange girl who used to be my annoying sister but is now a likeable human being - is studying hard. This week she is analysing Shakespeare, and keeps asking me for ‘examples of doomed love’ in films and plays that might have been inspired by Romeo and Juliet. I told her the same thing I used to tell her when she was thirteen and pestering me on a Sunday night - “do your own fecking homework”
Don’t tell her I’ve said this, but I’m really pleased the course is going well for her.

I nearly broke my foot this morning when I stood on a conker at the bottom of the stairs. ‘How did this happen?’ you may ask, ‘have you planted a horse chestnut tree in your hallway?‘ No we have not, and just listen to the twisted tale of logic and hearsay that led to this unfortunate, bruising event:
Philippa, it turns out, is terrified of spiders, and has been since she was five, when she had one placed on her face by a rather unpleasant classmate. Recent research has shown, apparently, that spiders in the wild keep away from conkers for some reason that is currently unknown. I believe scientists have tried to find out why, but the spiders are not telling (and who can blame them?) The theory has been put forth that spiders are so repulsed, that they will avoid entering any houses where conkers may be. Thus, arachnophobes country-wide are now picking up conkers and placing them in each room of their house.
Personally I think this story was invented by whoever has to clean up conkers in the wild… Since children have been banned from playing with them, there must be loads of them littering the streets, so rather than pick them up themselves, these lazy sods have made this story up so that people scared of spiders will pick them up instead, and then these lazy sods can put their feet up and relax.

It all sounds a load of old hokum to me, but it did inspire me to write this poem:

If my beloved saw a spider
It would raise a panic inside her
So I get to be her hero every day
By picking up arachnids and taking them away

Imagine being in a relationship where one of you hated spiders and the other was scared of conkers? Now that’s an example of doomed love.

RC 25-9-11