Crapoem - May 2009

I’m feeling very tired
I’m sick of working nights
I’ve lost a lot of weight
Yet still my trousers are too tight.
I wake up feeling breathless
and I wobble when I walk
People tend to stare down at my cleavage when we talk

I’d really like some Edam, melted on a scrambled egg
Or half a can of squirty cream, licked off a hookers leg
I’d like to eat marshmallows til they come out of my eyes
and follow up by feasting on some cheese and mushroom pies

My skin may be unblemished
but I miss my curried chips
That minute on the mouth is worth the kilo on the hips

I used to chomp and chew on cheese; I was the chocolate chief
But now it’s just a salad or a lousy lettuce leaf

Dieting is awful, it makes you feel unwell
I’ve lost a stone in weight but man, I’ve lost my joy as well
I used to stuff myself with shish kebabs and sit and smile
But now I suck on spinach and I’m solemn all the while

My sister says I’m gloomy
My workmates say I frown
My neighbour thinks I’m moody
And my doctor says I’m down
The internet search engine
says I may have S.A.D.
and that maybe cock enlargements
are the remedy for me

Everyone I meet
they seem to know just what I need
The busman offered Prozac
my postman offered speed
The fat chick in the corner shop says ‘take a holiday’
her son says I’m unhappy coz I’m still a closet gay

I sit and starve and ponder
and I wonder ‘which is right?’
or maybe they’re all full of shit,
and everythings all right.
And maybe all I need to do is eat to make me happy?
throw the diet off a bridge just like a soiled nappy.
Gorge myself on KFC and Burger King and ale
Go back to being red and fat, instead of tired and pale.

No – I must stick at it
the healthy way is best
Coz I’m sick of high blood pressure
and a 55D chest

RC 7-5-09
1919 BST