Start with haiku; end with humour

June in the UK
Is just the same as Winter
I hate our climate

My bike is unused
Because our Summer is wet.
Wet, windy and shit.

I’m sure I write haiku like this every June don’t I? And probably every July, August and September as well. Stupid country.

Yesterday we went to a big party at Tom’s house. You remember Tom, don’t you? ‘The Wallpaper King Of North Norfolk’? My ex-boss? Philippa’s current boss, and uncle? Father of SIX children?
We had assumed it was a belated 2nd birthday party for little Summer, but it wasn’t. It was a ‘big surprise family announcement’ party. And the big announcement?
Tom is going to be a grandfather. His eldest daughter, Robson (who prefers to be called ‘Bobby’) is 21 and pregnant. Is it possible for any member of this family to have sex without it leading to a baby?
Tom made the big announcement with a tear in his eyes, and with his daughter and future son-in-law beside him. Bobby stood there with a beaming smile, glowing already despite being only two months gone, while her boyfriend wore the expression of someone who has recently been hit by a truck.
Later on I congratulated her and asked her if she’d picked out any names. She said “We’ve got two or three boys names that we’ll talk about, but if it’s a girl, she’ll definitely be Vanilla.”
Maybe there’s an ongoing family competition to see who can give their children the most ridiculous name. You’d think she’d have learnt from her own experience and not passed the pain of a bad moniker onto her children, but apparently not. We do, as a great philosopher once said, often re-tread the path that was worn by our parents, be it a good path or a bad one.
Robson’s boyfriend, by the way, is called Stephen Jonathan Child. So once they’re married and the baby is born, if she’s female her name will be VANILLA CHILD. Is it just me who thinks she’ll sound like a girl from a Bond film?

RC 24-6-12