Closing thoughts

For a time there, May looked like being a complete wash-out blog-wise, but I feel I may have rescued it somewhat with my efforts in the past couple of weeks.
It's very hard to fit in some writing time alongside my full-on work duties and fatherhood. The addition of another little one makes a surprisingly huge difference to your workload and your availability. Maybe it shouldn't be surprising, but it is. You'd think (or I did, at least) that turning a group of three into a group of four wouldn't involve a complete change of pace and a gargantuan decrease in the amount of spare time, but it does.
So I think I'm doing quite well, considering.
Speaking of wash-outs, that's what the past week has been, weather-wise. I wasn't cheered up by the report on the radio that 'we can expect the wettest Summer on record' if things follow their current patterns, but I was cheered up by the attitudes of the many people residing on our sites over this rather dreary half-term week. They all seemed determined to enjoy themselves despite the shitty efforts of the skies above them, and we have had plenty of smiles and plenty of positive comments, and plenty of attendance at the various indoor activities that we laid on, some of which we threw together last-minute to compensate for the cancellation of outside events. I really do have a fantastic team when it comes to interaction with punters, and I end this week feeling very proud of them, and myself.

RC 31-5-24

Thoughts At A Party (a poem)

I watch her dancing.

My mind projects to a churchyard.
Confetti falling like tears
families gathered
lining the pathway.
A hundred faded tombstones
crickets; flowers; regrets.
A new life growing within
while the old life fades to oblivion.
Fumbled chances no longer a burden.
The latest choice the right one.
Certainty and optimism
painting every shared, special breath.
Two as one.
A gorgeous day.
Sky as blue as sapphire.
Heart as full as Heaven.
All as blessed as angels.
Life and light stretch before us
countless days of counting days
hands held firmly, fruitfully.
Growing together, together.
Perfection.

I pull myself from my revery.
She has gone.

RC 30-5-24

Half-term Half-way

It's a busy old week, as I imagine you can imagine. You can't work in a tourist job in a tourism area without getting busy during school holidays, and this week we're pretty much full. It's been good though. We get an easy ride over Winter and we forget what it's like to be flat out for 12 hours a day seven days a week, so early Spring can be a bit of a shock, but at the end of the day it's what we're here for and the place looks so much better when it's populated to bursting.
As a side note - I really hate the phrase 'at the end of the day' and, at the end of the day, I hate myself for using it earlier in this blog posting.
But back to my original point - the bottom line with my job is that I'm here to make sure people get to enjoy themselves on holiday, and while the quieter months are used for perusing and planning and maintenance and upgrades, the 'hotter' months are all about day-to-day running and upkeep and supporting all staff to give the best service they can, and we're in the swing of it now and it's working.

RC 29-5-24

Relationship truths, nos. 104 & 105

There is always a point at which "I love you because you're different" becomes "Why are you being so weird?"

There is always a point at which "these are the things I appreciate" becomes "this is what you're doing wrong".

RC 28-5-24

Blues well and truly banished

Today has been a blast. I only worked a half day and most of that was spent in a meeting with Gavin and my peers from the main office. All positive stuff and Our Esteemed Leader is in a great mood because a) we're heading into high season and bookings are bloody brilliant, and b) he has found someone to put some money into his profit-haemorrhaging mini empire down in the South West. After months of ploughing his own capital into a project that needed a colossal amount of investment, he has finally seen sense and taken on a partner or two to help alleviate the burden and help to facilitate steadier growth and development.
Sorry - lost myself in a sentence of Management WankSpeak there! Very bad of me, and I shall whip myself with nettles later by way of punishment.
Anyway... After work, Philippa and I had a lovely late lunch by the river at our new-found favourite eatery, and then we collected Mathew from his daily duties and came home for a delightful play in the garden. Hide and seek, bowls, and we made a tent out of blankets. And then I got reminded that we actually own an actual tent, so Mathew helped me put that up and then we had a 'Pirate's Picnic' in it for tea. Man, parenthood is great when you're not letting yourself get bogged down by the tiredness and responsibility of it.

RC 27-5-24

Better for a barbie...

I am stuffed full of charcoaled meat and therefore stuffed full of enthusiasm and good feelings. I don't know what it is - and maybe there's a scientific study that can be done here to ascertain exactly what's going on - but there is something about the combination of overcooked barbecued sausages, slightly warm salad and a decent coleslaw that just takes me to a state of ecstasy. Add in a cold glass of something fizzy and some hot mustard and it approaches something orgasmic. Bring in some honey-coated chicken drumsticks and basically I have nirvana in my garden. So this afternoon and evening have been a celebration of culinary-inspired happiness and family-based appreciations. I have endorphins coursing through my body alongside the protein and nutrients and I feel, for the first time in a number of weeks, human, happy and fulfilled.
I think I might make this a weekly benchmark in my life. Every Sunday, rain or shine, between now and (let's say) Hallowe'en, I shall endeavour to have a 'cook-out' (as our American friends call them) and feed the family by the means of an unclean grill. I can spend all morning prepping (alongside playing with my sons) and then leave things sitting happily in the fridge, marinating, until we are ready to fire up and feast. I can spend most of my spare time during the week planning recipes and deciding what to put together, and then I can collect what I need to from the shop on the way home from work on Saturday. If it involves a trip to the butcher, I can nip out on a lunch break. Or Hell, I could say sod it and do something we haven't done since Mathew was first born and we started trying to cut down on spending - I could pay to have a delivery-to-your-door special meat-lovers multipack hand-delivered by the nearest farm shop. Pricey, but delicious, and isn't it good to support local companies and local producers? Especially when their produce is amazingly tasty.

RC 26-5-24

A plan

Parenthood is tiring. I think that's my main conclusion after the events of the past few weeks. Children are the best thing that can possibly happen to you, but raising them is a drain on your energy and your finances and I think there's nothing wrong in me saying that. It is not something that should be taken lightly. There are unbelievably high upsides but there's also a lot of time spent feeling like you're drowning in their needs and struggling to keep yourself sane. You can easily become nothing but a parent and provider. Nothing wrong in either of those two virtuous positions, but you need to be yourself as well. A person should never get lost behind a title and that is true of 'Mum' and 'Dad' as much as it is true of 'Manager' or 'Milkman' (for example).
So I am going to make the effort to watch a film tonight! And it will be a film of my choosing, not something that is right for the children or a nice thing to share with my wife. It'll be some stupid Jason Statham action flick or an old comedy that might be seen as inappropriate these days. I shall sit and I shall snack and I shall lose myself in the distracting world of movies for two hours and then I shall probably go to bed. And I am sure that will make me feel better about life.
A small step, and it may seem that I'm overexcited about it, but it's one that I feel needs taking and it's one that I'm sure will set me on my way back to being the Rory that Rory likes being.

RC 25-5-24
1940 BST

Improvements

I have made myself feel better this morning by compiling a list of things I can look forward to. They include - The fact that another large football tournament is taking place WITHOUT me having to deal with the associated thuggery that materialises in supermarkets (like what where I used to work in), and the fact that Rian is a bit more grown this year so it won't be as awkward to have family days on the beach over Summer. All that stuff helps when I seem to be suffering from Winter-SAD at the end of a week of glorious sunshine. I've also decided to throw a barbecue together on Sunday. It may only be a small family affair but nothing raises my mood like the taste of slightly burnt food that's been cooked outside.

RC 25-5-24

Who, what, where, when?

My mental state may be more of an issue than I realised. I went for a walk on the beach after work last night, and before I knew it, an hour had passed! I was so far away from my car that I found myself running to get back to it before my wife felt the urge to call the police; and running and Rory are not happy bedfellows.
Another indicator is the fact that, on the bottom of my last blog entry, I put the date as 2023! In my defence, it was 1 o'clock in the morning, and I was more obsessed about whether it still counted as Sunday or Monday, but still - I shouldn't make that error in MAY for God's sake. Maybe first two weeks of January, but not May. Goodness...

RC 24-5-24

Balls and b*st*rds

I managed to go and see Ted today. He looks somehow stronger than before while simultaneously closer to death. His skin is almost transparent and his face seems drawn in and skeletal - (gaunt may be the word I'm looking for) - but he is moving much better than I've seen him in months and was even able to spring out of his chair in a sprightly fashion to greet me. He's on new heart pills, and is also 'getting help with his painful arthritis' so maybe there's some medication coursing through his system that is making him appear more upright, but whatever it is, it's better than having him laying in hospital for days on end while Beryl tries to prepare herself for a funeral.
He said the worst thing about being kept in was 'the lack of tasty nurses' so that shows you how forthcoming he was about his feelings in consideration of the fact that he nearly died. Being a man of his age and his upbringing, it doesn't surprise me that he wouldn't want to discuss anything emotional, but it was quite an ordeal to go through and I'm surprised he didn't have more to say about it. Snooker was discussed more than health, and he was telling he 'it's good for the sport' that someone new is world champion, but also found it hard to hide his disgust at the fact that the hospital staff refused to let him watch it late at night.
"I was in an ideal situation to be watching a long tournament and the bastards insisted on rationing me. Two hours at a time, and nothing after 9pm. Bastard NHS." I believe that was the phrase he used, (although there may have been a few more 'bastards' in there than I've given him credit for).
It was good to see him though, and hopefully he'll be around for a few more visits yet...

RC 19/20-5-23

Throwing the pot up in the air

Not sure if the title of this blog is an old saying, or something I've made up, but it seems familiar and seems to match my mood of the moment, so I'll go with it.
Philippa suddenly announced this morning that she'd like to consider moving. I feel this may be something charged by hormones as her body seems to be getting back into its old routines now that she hasn't been pregnant for a while. I thought we were happy here, but apparently the growing nature of our family seems to have persuaded her that we need more space, which is worrying as I suspect it is linked to the idea of a third offspring, which as I have discussed previously on this blogsite, is not an idea I am willing to entertain.
Anyway, if my couple of years working with Gavin have taught me one thing, it's that people sometimes mention outlandish ideas that they have had that at the time make perfect sense to them, and that if you refuse to engage with said ideas and just sit back and be patient, they will often get cast aside by their creator as quickly as they were originally dreamt up.
So what I'm saying is, I'm going to smile sweetly and say things like 'it's worth considering' and then hope her enthusiasm runs out of steam before I have to start planning for relocation.

RC 17-5-24

Missive on missing movies

I haven't watched a film in bloody ages. Work is busy, homelife is dominated by young people, and if I get a chance to sit still and stare at a screen, it is invariably tuned to either Bluey or Paw Patrol; both of which make me question my own sanity.
Having had a glance at the latest offerings on Netflix, though, I'm not entirely sure that I'm missing out on much. This 'Golden Age of Streaming' thing seems to have faltered early in its existence, and unless you want to switch off to something like 'Bullet Train', the fare seems fairly untempting. I may have to visit my 'Classic DVDs' drawer and start revisiting some old favourites. It's normally this time of year that I give 'Jaws' its annual watching, and I picked up a great collection of Clint Eastwood westerns that I'd like to start making my way through sooner rather than later. Let's be honest, despite the advances in CGI and the supposed enlightenment of writers, there's still not much about that can hold a candle to 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'.

RC 16-5-24

Maybe I should eat more...

It turns out, I think, that my angst and existential nightmare was naught but hunger. Having eaten like a starved horse for most of today, I have found myself feeling much brighter, clearer and happier, and less confused, distraught and unsettled. Sometimes our mental traumas can be rectified by a physical act and in my case, today, chomping lots of carbohydrates seems to have done the trick.
As a result, I have found myself ticking an extraordinary number of items off my 'To-Do' list this afternoon. Suddenly the rest of the week seems a manageable collection of small tasks rather than an insurmountable mountain of painful necessities. I can settle down for the night confident that I may sleep soundly, and not be fearful of becoming overtired and overwrought and making mistakes as a result. I can enjoy my slumber knowing that it is deserved and that, even if I struggle to drift, I will be able to survive the morrow with sufficient energy and ability. I may even have some cheese and biscuits before bed, to stave off any overnight pangs of wanting like what I had last night.
Food, suddenly, seems to be key.

RC 15-5-24
2145 BST

Maybe I should drink more...

I feel like I'm going through some weird existential shift. It may just be tiredness or the after-effects of an ill family but my brain seems to be detached from my body and my soul seems to be searching for safety. Maybe it's just hay fever, as the tree pollen is out in force after a good week of fine weather, and I always end up a bit confused and befuddled after a month or two of battling the sniffles and the itchy eyes and the breathing issues.
As you can probably tell by the time of this posting, I am also awake at various weird times at the moment. Circadian rhythms do go a-kilter when the shortest day is approaching, so I'm not worrying myself too much, but my goodness, the combination of fatigue, busier work, extended daylight and insomnia is a trying one.

RC 15-5-24

50 days in a row feels like ancient history...

Wow. How is it halfway through May (almost) already? etc etc...
I am not going to make excuses for my absence, but it has been a very busy time at work, and we have been a poorly household. Now, it feels like things are settling and I find myself wracked with the urge to start blogging again. So here I am...
I have been thoroughly enjoying the gorgeous weather. As has been remarked, and as seems to be our annual pattern now, Britain seems to have gone straight from a prolonged Winter into the height of Summer overnight. The lingering warmth and dry air has done wonders for my mood and my body. I have already swum in the sea and I have enjoyed several wonderful walks - some involved morning birdsong; others involving sumptuous sunsets.
On the other side of things, I am the only member of the immediate family who hasn't been hit by a horrible virus. I'm sure you know people who have been affected - it's the exactly-like-Covid-but-apparently-isn't-Covid cold-that's-worse-than-a-cold one. Fatigue, sniffles, aches, alternating sweats and shivers and then a cough that refuses to shift. Philippa was really bad with it for two days in particular, and we got very close to taking little Rian to the hospital. Thankfully, we seem to have come through the worst of it, although Philippa isn't back to full health and has had a distracting headache for almost a fortnight.
I have, so far, escaped, which has been handy as it means I could be on hand to administer assistance to whichever one of them needed it the most at any given time. That was usually Mathew, who precociously finds illness a rather insulting waste of his time and is determined to make sure everyone knows it.
Elsewhere, Ted is back home and seems none the worse for his spell in hospital. We haven't seen him yet, as the last thing he needed was us dragging germs into his house when he was barely off the ward, but tonight he messaged me to complain about the 'sodding football' so he's obviously back on form...

RC 12-5-24