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It’s December tomorrow!
I feel much more excited about things now. I’ve realised that my work-based misery has been spilling over into non-work time, and that’s horrible for Philippa, and probably not good for my health.
So, in the words of an awful car sticker, I’ve decided to ‘turn my frown upside down’ and skip through life with an attitude of positivity, rather than an aura of despair. So today I’m going to help myself to a load of cheap Christmas tat from work, and tomorrow we’re going to go mad decorating the house.
I’m particularly looking forward to doing the bedroom. I don’t think I’ve ever had sex on a bed full of tinsel and fairy lights before, and it’s about time that changed.
RC 30-11-12
MY ALL-TIME TOP 10 XMAS SONGS
10. Stop the Cavalry by Jona Lewie
9. In The Bleak Midwinter
8. In Dulce Jubilo by Mike Oldfield
7. Once in Royal David’s City
6. Christmas Lights by Coldplay
5. The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole
4. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town (Springsteen version)
3. Let It Snow by Dean Martin
2. Little Donkey
1. Last Christmas by Wham (only because Philippa and I shared our first kiss while it was playing….)
MY MOST HATED XMAS SONGS
Wonderful Christmastime by Paul Mcartney
Anything by Michael Buble
MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE XMAS VIEWING
“It’s A Wonderful Life”
“The Box of Delights”
“Blackadder’s Christmas Carol”
“Only Fools and Horses” (the one where they became millionaires, which made a perfect end to the series, only for them to bring it back a few years later when the writer ran out of money, because his sitcom about taxi drivers was shit)
ONE WORD I’M TRYING TO FIND A RHYME FOR SO I CAN FINISH MY XMAS POEM
Nutmeg
RC 28-11-12
Philippa wants to put up Christmas decorations at home this weekend.
I’m not keen. I think I’ve had my enthusiasm beaten out of me at work as I’ve been drowning in tinsel for a month already. I tried to use the fact that we’re house-sitting as an excuse not to do it, but apparently Philippa has swapped e-mails with Becky and she’s keen for us to go ahead. As long as we don’t get a real tree, and as long as we put everything back where it should be in January, we’ve been told to ‘go nuts and do what we like!’
I’m sure I’ll love it once it’s done, but right now it feels like a big job that I’m really unenthusiastic about but have to do anyway. Actually that sounds like most of my days at the supermarket….
RC 27-11-12
We had a morning in bed, and then lunch with Ted and Beryl. He was on good form, but she’d banged her leg while out shopping and had a horrible purple bruise on her ankle. She still did all the work in the kitchen though. Well not everything: to be fair to Ted he did fill up the sugar bowl..
RC 25-11-12
Yesterday morning was lovely. Philippa and I had a long cuddle, and then a long chat about work. I really do love her. I was completely honest about work and she said “I’d rather you did something you enjoy, even if you earn less money. I’d rather have regular time with you when you’re happy, than snatch occasional hours with you miserable, which, by the way, you’ve been for ages” That wasn’t exactly how she put it, but that’ll have to do. It was rather a long conversation and I wasn’t taking notes. Anyway - knowing I have her backing and permission to go ahead and look for something new has made the act of going into the supermarket much easier. I did a late finish last night and an early start this morning but I sailed through it thinking “I don’t have to do this much longer, so I can just ride it out and not let it stress me” I wasn’t even bothered by the fat bird in a tracksuit moaning about the price of bananas. This time last week I’d have wanted to punch her face in.
I’m off tomorrow, so we’re going to sit up late tonight watching ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Parts 1 & 2’ back-to-back. I think we’ll be finished about 5am on Tuesday.
RC 24-11-12
TheLoveMachine has risen from the grave!
I didn’t understand half of what Jim at the garage told me, but a bit of the engine needed replacing and she had to have a bit of a clean-up, and all-in-all it cost me £120. That’s not bad for a full days fix-up, and she now sounds better than she has for months. Jim said “If you treat this old bus with care, I bet she’ll keep you going for years, chap” I don’t really have a clue about these things so I just said “Cheers mate, I’ll bring her back in for a service” and that was that. Later on I shall look up what ‘a service’ actually involves and see if it might be worth considering.
Work continues to drag me into depression. Christmas is looming over the horizon like a fat girl chasing after chocolate and we’re all supposed to ‘up our game’ to ‘maximise in-store profit margins’
I really can’t be arsed.
In my opinion, we’ve all worked hard all year, and the company is making billions, so we should be allowed to slow down a bit as we approach the years end and get to enjoy a relaxed Christmas break with our loved ones. Is that likely to happen? Of course not. Company policy is to work it’s staff to death, then bring them back to life so they can work a bit more and eke yet a few more pennies out of poor Joe Public. Philippa gets quite a nice break after Christmas but will we get to enjoy it? No - she’ll be pigging out on snacks alone at home while I deal with another rush of customers on Boxing Day.
That care work course application pack I got through the post on Friday is looking more attractive by the second…
Philippa and I have both got tomorrow morning free, so we’ve planned to stay in bed. My work shifts have been all over the place recently but the Gods have finally granted us some cuddling time. Philippa is taking the morning off and says she ’can’t wait to get re-acquainted.’ Yum, yum and yummy.
RC 22-11-12
I think TheLoveMachine has died.
It’s been a bit of a bitch to start for weeks now, ever since the weather got colder. Then this morning it made a sound like a robot juggling chainsaws and smoke came pouring out of the back. I managed to get her as far as ‘Jim and Dougie’s’ garage before she stalled so I thought I’d better leave her there and catch the bus. Neither Jim nor Dougie looked particularly trustworthy but what could I do? Providence had placed me on their doorstep so it felt foolish to slap it in the face. At least I hadn’t conked out near a Pizza Hut or something.
Now I am at work, awaiting their call. Jim said it would be one of three options - something simple, something expensive, or something terminal. He said he’d let me know by 5pm. I feel like a condemned man waiting for the gallows. My chest is tight and stomach is gurgling and I can almost taste vomit in my throat. Mind you, that might be from the bus journey…
RC 21-11-12
I’m not sure how many more days I can endure panic-buying pensioners in the supermarket before running one of them over with a pallet truck. Some stupid old biddy actually snatched stuff out of my hand today before I even had a chance to get it near the shelf. I said “calm down, love, it’s not as if there’s a queue”
She said “It’s alright for you - you work here. The rest of us have to fight for what we can get.”
Being the kind of person who can’t let these things go I said “We’ve got a warehouse full, sweetheart, and there’s still five weeks until Christmas.“
She put her face as close to mine as she could and said “And what if we get snowed in??“
I resisted the urge to shout “THIS IS NORFOLK, NOT NORWAY” and smiled and handed her the radishes. I’m not sure what it is about our supermarket but we seem to attract the grumpiest, most malignant people in Britain.
And I’ll tell you something else that pisses me off - people who respond to my lethargy and nonchalance by saying “Cheer up - it’s nearly Christmas!”
Humbug, and harrumph.
RC 20-11-12
The eleventh month
Is already halfway through
Where does the time go?
Peaches and ice cream
Is my new breakfast of choice
Unhealthy? SO WHAT!?!
Should I do care work?
Is wiping people’s arses
Better than store work?
It’s nearly Christmas.
What can I get Philippa,
to express my love?
I love fish and chips
Loads of vinegar and salt
and tomato sauce
Santa Claus is fat.
Should we really see him as
a hero for kids?
Bob Dylan is weird.
His voice sounds like a robot
choking on gravel
RC 19-11-12
We’ve been given our schedules for Christmas and I’m working every sodding day from Boxing Day until New Year’s Eve. Bastards. Can’t their cash-obsessed world of commercialism take a back seat for a few days so I can celebrate an important Christian festival by getting pissed and spending days in bed with Philippa? Would that be so bad?
Bloody capitalist pig-dogs.
They better be prepared for a lot of ‘Rory with flu’ time in January..
RC 15-11-12
After yesterday’s revelation that Nathan knew nothing about ‘Revolver’ by The Beatles, I wasted some time at work today thinking of other things that shared names, but didn’t share the same value. Understand? No, me neither, but here’s the list:
“TITANIC” - Ultra-successful film; non-successful boat
“CLIFF” - beautiful landscape feature; terrible singer
“SCHOOL“ - lovely gathering of fish; horrible place to spend childhood
“HEART” - Vital internal organ; over-rated girl group
“HOUSE” - entertaining TV show; expensive building to live in
“GOLD” - shiny, pricey metal; whiny, 80s pop-shit
“JORDAN” - Beautiful (if troubled) country; Unbeautiful (and troublemaking) slut
And before you write and complain, I know they’re not technically ‘misnomers’ but who cares? Really?
RC 13-11-12
I’m trying to educate Nathan about The Beatles. This is the result of a conversation yesterday that left me frankly flabbergasted.
He was telling me about a new member of the congregation at his church. He recently moved to the area and they don’t know much about him but Nathan is convinced he must be a decent bloke “because he’s called Peter”
I said “What difference does that make?”
He said “St Peter is one of the most righteous men in history. Remember your Bible, Rory? Peter was one of the disciples, and was just and true.”
Suppressing all my anti-religion feelings to concentrate on the matter in hand I said “Well that doesn’t mean anything. Just because they’ve got the same name doesn’t mean they’ll be the same kind of person. Things with the same name can be completely different. Look at the name ‘revolver’ - it’s an absolutely brilliant album but an absolutely terrible film.”
Nathan stared at me blankly.
I said “Please tell me you know that there’s an album called ‘revolver’?”
He didn’t.
But he will by the end of this week.
We may have our different views on things, and I may have to bite my tongue whenever he starts to talk about Jesus, but I’ll be damned before I’ll let him get through life without The Beatles…..
RC 12-11-12
Philippa has a bit of a thing for Novak Djokovic. She made a little throw-away comment when we were watching the tennis on the telly and I reacted to it in my well-established paranoid over-jealous way, then she got a bit defensive about it but couldn’t stop blushing. She tried to backtrack but it was too late - the Croatian cat is out of the bag.
Being jealous and obsessive I decided to look him up online to find out exactly what it is that Novak has got that I haven’t got. Here are just a few of the answers:
Money
Fame
Fitness
Titles
Gluten intolerance
RC 9-11-12
Barack Obama
Is still President after
kicking Romney’s arse
I don’t like James Bond
But even I must admit
Daniel Craig looks HOT!
Call me a perv, but..
My favourite sandwiches
Are cheese and marmite
Christmas is coming
Our shelves at work are stuffed full
Of Christmas puddings
“Let It Be” is good
But The Beatles best album
Must be “Revolver”
RC 8-11-12
Work went off without a hitch yesterday. Quite a few people are off with chesty coughs and head colds so I was just one of many to be missing on Tuesday. They were so glad to have staff numbers back up that they didn’t even consider that my absence might have been for less-than-genuine reasons.
I didn’t feel any better for having the day off. Once my hangover wore off I felt a bit bored and miserable. I felt like going a bit mad and riding a bike around the house after covering the wheels in paint, but this isn’t our house so I couldn’t do that. In the end I spent almost twelve hours playing London 2012 Olympics on the Wii. Philippa came in from work to find me swearing at the screen after getting disqualified from the javelin. She made herself some tea, then went out and played badminton, then came back and had a shower, then came and sat beside me on the sofa. I hadn’t moved an inch…..
RC 8-11-12
I skived off work today. I often joke about calling in sick, but this is the first time I’ve done it at this job without a genuine reason for doing so. I was supposed to be there at 8am, but I got rather drunk last night at the Fireworks event and didn’t fancy turning out early. So I put on my ‘sore throat voice’ and left a message on the ansaphone at 6am today. I’ll probably get hauled into the office and moaned at and questioned like a terror suspect again but I really don’t care anymore. I would almost welcome a Final Warning. I’m sick of the place. After chatting to Sophie and Tamara last week I’m even thinking of changing career and getting into care work. The hours are as unsociable as the supermarket but at least I’d feel like I’m doing someone some good. The economy might be on it’s knees and companies may be laying people off left right and centre but there’ll always be old folk around who need their bums wiped. I took a look in the Job Section of our local newspaper today and about 70% of the positions advertised were in care work. So I might even have a choice of where and when I work, rather than being tied into a Mucked-Up Rotating Management Shift Pattern that I have no control over or input into.
I’m feeling unappreciated and unfulfilled and unsatisfied and I’m fed up with feeling this way about my work life.
I need paracetamol now.
RC 6-11-12
After yesterday’s punctuation-heavy posting, I promise not to use an exclamation mark once today.
We’re off to see some charity fireworks tonight. I’m not sure how charity fireworks differ from any others but I guess we’ll find out when we get there. Hopefully they go astray and crash into the roof of a certain supermarket and burn it down so I never have to go and work there ever again. I don’t feel like venturing out at all really but I’ll make the effort. After the excitement of last week I’m feeling a bit run down and lonely at the moment. The fact that it’s suddenly freezing cold and too dark to cycle in the evenings doesn’t help. I may have mentioned this before, but I’m not a big fan of Winter, and right now Spring feels like a hell of a long way off….
RC 5-11-12
After a fantastic week of family fun (please excuse the cheesy alliteration) Sophie and Tamara are back home in Edinburgh, and Philippa and I are sinking back into our regular routine of work-dominated existence.
There are many things I could tell you about the past seven days - and maybe I will in a later posting - but the main news is this: SOPHIE AND TAMARA ARE MOVING TO NORFOLK!!
Yes - I know I’ve said that before and it’s been a bit of an ongoing saga, but they’ve finally, finally found work here! Sophie has a nursing job at King’s Lynn Hospital, and Tamara is going to be assistant manager of a care home! They both have to work three months notice, which they’ve already started, so they’ll be heading this way in January!
I am so excited, over-joyed, enraptured and enlivened that I don’t know what to do with myself, so I think I’ll go and have a relaxing bath, because if I don’t calm down soon and get used to the idea, I’ll have a breakdown long before they get here!
RC 4-11-12
