A wet end

I wouldn’t say the weather has been bad again today, but I’ve actually been watching snooker to distract me from what was going on outside. When you leave the house at 7.45am, and by the time you reach your car your ankles are wet and your hairstyle’s ruined, then you know it’s not exactly Springlike.

Never mind – it’s May tomorrow, which means…… well actually it means naff all – Mays for the past few years have been as shitty as Aprils, so this Arctic wind-and-wuthering wetness may drag on for weeks yet.

In other news, I have a strange urge to get a new tattoo done. I’m not sure what it would be, I just have an inkling that I’d like to get inked.

Maybe a rain gauge on my lower leg might be appropriate.

RC 30-4-18

A day of weird poetry

“Darkness is my friend”

I like it when it’s dark.

It makes me feel safe.

If people can’t see me, they can’t judge me.

If they don’t know I’m coming, they can’t cross the street to avoid me.

When it’s light, I feel exposed;

Vulnerable, noticeable, attackable.

I long for eternal night.

But don’t misconstrue – I’m not wishing I was dead.

I just prefer the dark.

“The End”

Hollow paths lead to a Flat Earth.

A dome encases thoughts of flight.

None get paid beyond their worth.

Bankers are a sordid blight.

Revelations told of burning.

The truth is rain; we’ll soon be gone.

Still obsessed with what we’re earning.

The End is reached with blindfolds on.

“Soul Cancer”

Reality shows.

(Whose reality?)

Talent shows.

(Devoid of talent)

Non-stop news.

(Gossip and opinion)

Sporting conflicts.

(Overpaid thugs)

Journalism.

(Paid agenda)

Politics.

(Corruption, ego)

Celebrity.

(Vain, wealthy)

Lazy blogger.

(Rory C.)

RC 29-4-18

Ambitions 'mongst the stars

I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s about time that someone had a go at writing a modern Shakespeare play. It could be a brand new story, set in the present day, but using the language and poetic structure of Elizabethan times. How better to honour the recent anniversary of Shakespeare’s birth than by focusing my intellect on a pastiche of his work???

And who better to have a crack at it than yours truly?

Try this on for size:

With thought and reason untempered, I strive forth on venture new.

Shackles be broken; mind cast your boundaries askance,

And let not the weighty restrictions of my limiting view

Delay this merry, literary dance.

Okay – it’s just taken me an hour to come up with those four lines, and now my head is spinning and I have creative exhaustion. Maybe someone else would like to take on the challenge, for this is the point I realise I’ve taken on more than I can possibly chew and bail out….

(At least it kept me occupied for a while and stopped me from looking out of the window and then moaning about the rain.)

RC 28-4-18

Wet. Whines. Why?

It rained all day and I had to deal with lots of complaints. I can’t say for sure that those two events are linked, but it is worth noting that last week when it was sunny and in the twenties, everyone was smiling and happy and found nothing wrong with anything. I guess I’m not the only person in Suffolk whose mood is affected by the weather. Downpour brings depression; cloud brings conflict, that’s what I’ve learnt.

So I got moaned at for the fact that someone had to wait in a queue for the ‘Air & Water’ spot to become free. Short of calling this lady up in advance to let her know there was already someone there, I’m not entirely sure what I could have done to help. Normally, my way of dealing with these things is to talk them out slowly and lead the person to realise that their complaint is ultimately silly and embarrassing and the result of an over-reaction rather than anything we’ve specifically done to piss them off, but I couldn’t be bothered today. So I just got her to fill a form in and told her someone would be in touch soon.

I also had someone moaning that our ATM machine is uncovered and therefore unpleasant to use in bad weather, and someone else stating that the price of newspapers is shocking compared to ten years ago “when there was better news and nicer pictures too…” I pointed out that the leaders of North and South Korea – who six months ago were gearing up to throw bombs at each other - had just shaken hands live on television and that maybe at this historic moment we shouldn’t be fretting over insignificant worries like the standard of the British Press, but it met with a blank spare.

Thank God it’s the weekend, and my weekend off.

RC 27-4-18
2015 BST

haiku from a dog

My name is Rover

I like to chase my own tail

and bark at postmen

RC 27-4-18

Man, 34, seeks holiday...

I’m utterly exhausted and I have no idea why. There’s a lot of weird stuff going on at work at the moment that might be playing on my mind, but it’s not as if it’s affecting my sleep. If anything, I’m spending more time in bed than I have done for years. It gets to about 8.45pm and I’m starting to drift off. And I’m waking up later than I used to too.

Am I dying???

I imagine it’s something to do with the lighter evenings. We are nothing but animals, after all, and our bodies are naturally programmed to respond to certain atmospheric occurrences in certain ways. Days are longer now and there’s more time to do stuff, maybe my circadian biology is adjusting my bodyclock accordingly. But then – other animals are coming out of hibernation now and being more active, so shouldn’t that make me LESS tired?

I am, so often, confused….

Might be a hay fever thing I suppose. Apparently the tree pollen – which usually ramps up its release from late-Feb onwards – held off for six weeks coz of the cold and then all exploded into the air last fortnight. No end of customers have had streaming noses and itchy eyes, many of them having never suffered before. Maybe that’s it. I’ll take a strip of Clarityn in the morning and see if that makes me feel better.

Wait – is Clarityn a non-drowsy one???

RC 25-4-18

Odd, random, meaningless lines...

And lo, it came to pass that two days after a pleasant Summery-feeling Sunday of joy, the default British weather of pissy drizzle returned to the lands in the East, and Rory was vexed.

‘Bruschetta’ is a word I often have problems with. I think of it, then I can’t remember if it’s a make of gun, a kind of bread or a moped.

We’ll be decking the garage out in over-enthusiastic, ultra-patriotic merchandise soon, in readiness for the football World Cup. Has four years really passed so quickly since the last one? We’ll be flogging the flag of St George, then having to clean them up two weeks later when England suffer an embarrassing defeat and men get drunk and throw them out in the street in disgust. You gotta love sports fans…

I’ve been thinking about weird celebrity couples that I’d like to have seen happen. Imagine what the offspring of these would have been like:

Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry.

Stephen Hawking and Angelina Jolie.

Lenny Henry and Angela Rippon.

Andre the Giant and Kylie Minogue.

Kermit the Frog and Paddington.

RC 24-4-18

Yet another posting re:weather

Wasn’t yesterday glorious?

We decided to have a little coastal drive, hoping to find a brand-new beach that we could designate as our 2018 sandy-place-of-choice. There were people everywhere. Obviously, my memo about everybody else getting the Hell off the roads whenever I’m trying to get somewhere hasn’t been passed on. Selfish bastards.

We found a nice little cove with a seafront car park where the all-day fee was extortionate. I think the landowner is planning to pay for his entire retirement home by fleecing beach-goers every time they want a walk or a paddle. We handed over two weeks wages so he’d let us leave our car on his grass for a while, then headed down through the dunes. To be fair, it’s a lovely little spot that you wouldn’t mind paying to have access to, but that’s down to nature, not the bastard farmer who seems to be taking credit for it by charging you more than it costs to buy modern art just to set foot on the bloody thing.

Anyway – I wouldn’t want you to think I begrudged paying, so let’s move on….

I took my shoes and socks off and ran into the sea up to my knees, foolishly expecting it to have warmed up a bit in the sunshine. It was cold enough to make your toenails pop off.

I ran back out again, expecting sympathy and support from my beloved, only to find her smirking to herself from the comfort of her warm feet.

We had a wander and a chat, then made our way back to our car. For what we’d paid, I expected it to have had a full clean and valet and a new sound system fitted, but no. it just sat there, waiting for us.

We stopped for a meal on the way home at a beautiful place near a stream that gave top-notch service at a reasonable price. I may see if I can get the owners to get in contact with the car park guy and have a word about providing value-for-money.

That’s the last time I’ll ever mention him, I promise…..

RC 23-4-18 
2039 BST

Resolution

I had a long think about things last night and I decided to accept a new motto:

“GIVE IT LARGE OR GIVE IT UP”

In other words – I need to throw myself into what I’m doing, whatever I’m doing. If I can’t give it 100% effort, then maybe I shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. If I can adopt this attitude in all aspects of my life, things should improve. I’ll realise what I enjoy, and I’ll find time to do that more often. I’ll be more creative, productive and confident, and do away with wasting time on boring tasks.

I wanted to take this into my work life too. Even if I’m confronted with a situation or task that I’d rather avoid or delay, I would tackle it head on and get it done quickly and efficiently, then reward myself by indulging in an activity of my own choosing.

That lasted until 9.45am this morning, when I sat in my office and remembered I have a big report to write for the Area Manager about the proposed changes to our structure. At which point I said “sod this” and started playing Tri-Peaks Solitaire.

RC 23-4-18

Rambling caused by over-exposure to Sun

We spent long hours today walking around the countryside and/or sitting inside a place that sold alcoholic refreshments. Firstly, it amazes me how much everything is still waterlogged despite the weather of the past few days. I guess three days of warm sunshine isn’t going to clear up a couple of months of snow and heavy rainfall, but what do I know? I’m a chemistry-student-turned-filling-station-manager, not a barometer.

We made the poor decision to stop for tea at a gastropub without checking whether they would be showing a football match or not. Knowing nothing about the FA Cup, we hadn’t realised that a big match was kicking off at 5.15pm and would be on seven different screens around the area we were eating. It became quite fun in the end, despite my lack of love for soccer. I do enjoy seeing Big City folk suffer, and there was a couple of knuckle-dragging supporters of a team I believe are called “Spurs” for some reason. These guys had abandoned their families to come out and down a lot of lager and yell abuse at anyone who might happen to look like they might dare to support a team from Manchester. When “Spurs” scored first they leapt about like barefooted ballerinas in a field full of drawing pins, making noises that are normally only heard during films starring Gerard Butler. I did find it amusing to smile ninety minutes later as their faces sank into the froth on their strong drinks while their team laboured on the pitch like sleep-deprived soldiers from the trenches.

There may be thunder and lightning overnight. I am awash with excitement. I may sit up all night armed with a camera and a prepared sense of wonderment.

To pass the time until then I feel a movie coming on……

RC 21-4-18

Meteo-rory-ology

Blisteringly, beautifully hot today.

A week ago the temperature in our back garden was 6C. Today it was 25.

What a crazy, mixed-up, almost-certainly-changed-by-human-behaviour-despite-what-some-people-think climate we live in.  What would be ideal now would be if this weather just went on until the end of October. But it won’t. We know it won’t. Truth be told, we’ll be lucky if it goes on until the end of the week.

There’ll be payback soon. We know there will. Thunderstorms on Sunday or a fortnight of dull skies, or both. We’re not allowed to have nice weather in this country, it’s as simple as that. At some point in some past life we collectively committed some unspeakable act that we are now perpetually being punished for. Hence – grey skies, damp air and often-incessant rainfall, punctuated with just a couple of good days here and there to remind us what we’re missing out on.

SEE – even on the warmest April 19^th for 70 years I can find a way to moan about our weather!!!!

RC 19-4-18

Out for the (pollen) count

For those of you suffering from the sudden onslaught of pollen-related unpleasantness following the recent upturn in weather fortunes, we present a quick game of HAY FEVER BINGO…

“All the threes – time to sneeze”

“Four and one – Piriton”

“All the fives – I’ve got hives”

“Seven, oh… - Blind…. (from all the streaming)”

“Six and eight – can’t inhalate”

“Number ten – streaming again”

“Two and four – sneezed some more”

RC 18-4-18

aka ZOSO

My last blog posting was no. 2050, according to the interesting ‘Stats’ page on my blogspot homesite. I also learn that this blog is rather popular somewhere in Russia, and I’ve had lots of pageviews recently from someone in Italy.

Undeniable proof that the word “Internet” comes from the Latin for “too much pointless data.”

RC 17-4-18

pot... and indeed pourri

That’s the longest I’ve gone without posting a blog for a long time. I’ve been lazy, but I’ve also been sparing you. I know for a fact that I would have just whittled on about how awful the ‘Spring’ weather was and moan about being buried under a grey shroud and being fed up with being cold again, and none of us need me typing all that shit again, so I left it in my head instead of on my blog.

I’ve still been writing though. Jokes, ideas and insights have all been scribbled in my little notebook over the past week.

So here’s a little selection:

Another one for my book of stand-up put-downs:

“Your picture’s been swiped left so many times it’s got whiplash.”

Another one for my book of Proverbs:

“Never take a shit in a wind tunnel.”

And more evidence for the prosecution when I end up in court in the future:

“Something I’ve learnt – people say crazy shit during sex, and sometimes it enhances the encounter, but shouting “I THINK I’VE GOT THREADWORM” in the throes of passion really isn’t sexy.”

RC 14-4-18

Changing the subject (at last!)

I do seem to get stuck in certain subjects sometimes don’t I? I can run on about the weather for weeks, or dwell on an argument with Philippa and dissect it for days on end, blogging the bloody thing to death. This week, I’ve done that with work issues. I know that I get into little obsessive short-term behaviours like hobbies or research topics, maybe I do it with thought patterns too. Anyway, hopefully I’ve broken this particular streak and won’t mention my position at the garage at all…….

So – in other news – we’re decorating the bathroom this weekend. Neither of us have a clue about colours or experience with tiling but who cares, right? We’re giving it a go and the outcome will be what it will be. People who come to see us will just have to put up with whatever mess we make of it. I’m pretty sure my sisters won’t disown me just coz I buggered up some grouting!

RC 8-4-18

More of the same

Yeah – my mind is still whirring with this ‘employment circumstance changing’ thingmy.

The strange thing is that, now I know it’s almost certainly going to happen, my stomach and the rest of my digestive system seems to have settled down and behaved itself. I hate to admit it, but maybe this ‘just a job’ attitude I throw around and convince myself is real is just a façade based on psychological trickery and a way of keeping the pressure off. Maybe I really do enjoy my employment and dislike the idea of it being taken away from me, and THAT’S why I started getting stressed and unwell, shortly after being told that I might be heading to redundancy.

I mean…. I hate to think that’s true…. but the evidence seems to support it.

RC 7-4-18

reflections on a revelation

I had a little rantette yesterday without actually telling you what the point of the visit was….

It seems that, to my surprise if I’m honest, there is some truth in the recently-popular rumours that the position I currently fill may be one that doesn’t exist by the end of the year. Company profits are down somewhat and, as usual in that situation, the only idea Head Office has is to cut out some members of staff and force those that remain to work even harder and even longer. So instead of maintaining a manager at each and every filling station in our area, they want to merge some of the garages together into ‘clusters’ with each cluster having its own boss.

Now, I’d like to take my little sailing boat across the lake of ranting once again here, but I can’t, because what they’re proposing actually makes a lot of sense. So many of the systems we use are uniform across the company that it’s possible to control the orders and rotas from anywhere. The idea is for one manager to be in charge of four different sites, giving them a chance to spend one day a week at each, with the fifth day in their office. Each separate garage would have a ‘senior staff member’ or ‘deputy-under-manager’ who would take on some duties and earn a bit more money, and then the general day-to-day responsibility of running things and dealing with problems would fall onto the duty manager at the supermarket proper. (None of our sites currently are stand-alone filling stations – we’re all attached to, or in close proximity to, a big store.)

I’m going to stop talking about it now as I seem to be slipping into management-level corporate wankspeak and I do NOT want to start sounding like one of ‘them.’

RC 6-4-18

A visit to render me speechless

My area manager rolled up for an on-site catch-up today, sporting a suit that made him look like a comedian from the 70s and driving a car that cost more than the combined annual wages of my workforce.

Something is very wrong in the way company finances are distributed amongst its employees, I feel.

Anyway, we had the usual mind-numbing discussions. Four hours of a narcissistic egomaniac spouting ‘management-speak’ as if his brain would explode if he uttered less than 150 words per minute. A pointless ‘walkabout’ during which he waved his arms elaborately as if we were being filmed from afar and he wanted to look expressive. A ‘meet the troops’ lunch in the canteen where he spoke loudly about being ‘just one of the team’ while eating using cutlery he had brought with him.

He is, to be fair, a dick. A proper educated-to-within-an-inch-of-his-inheritance dick with countless hours in the boardroom but scant seconds on the shop floor who spouts trendy corporate buzzwords without having the faintest understanding of what it’s like to be a worker.

I’m so glad my ambitions never involved being someone like him. I may not earn as much, but at least I have people working under me who seem to like me, and I’m not over-inflated by my own self-importance to the point of internal explosion.

He left just after 3pm and I nearly collapsed with exhaustion.

RC 5-4-18

Easter reflections

Another public holiday has come and gone then. Normally I’d have happily indulged in mucho chocalato ingestation, but this year I went off it completely. My sweet tooth seems to have been stolen by the tooth fairy. Since having my weird ‘health episode’ my appetite has been for bland, healthy, unimaginative stuff rather than elaborate, tasty, treaty stuff. My food intake is that of someone going through a detox or dieting to look like a gymnast. Salads, pasta, grilled chicken. That sort of thing. Anything more complicated and my stomach acid starts to go haywire and my throat refuses to remember how to swallow.

It’s all very strange.

I did enjoy some televisual delights over the weekend. In an order that is neither chronological nor anything to do with preference, here a few things that appeared on my screen and caused me pleasure:

The film “Z for Zachariah”

The comedy/drama/fictionalisation about Dave Allen

Countryfile

Back to the same old routine of work now, but with added tiredness and more confusion. Bank Holidays always throw me out, and when it’s Easter Weekend the old body clock breaks down and blows my mind completely. As far as I know today is Wednesday, but I’m not making that assumption confidently….

RC 4-4-18

....Fool

I thought I’d start a new month with a joke that I’ve written (as I begin my quest to become a gag-writer for hire):

I wouldn’t say I’m crap with women, but if a lady said to me ‘I wanna show you the junk in my trunk’ I’d think she was inviting me to a car boot sale….

RC 1-4-18