Random Haiku

All places differ
But one thing is true worldwide
McDonalds is shit

RC 29-1-10

A thought for the day

I try to find beauty in everything… but my God there are some ugly women in Norwich.

RC 28-1-10

Put the champagne on ice

The interview went well – as well as a big deep watery hole in the ground.
Tom’s wife is pregnant again at 44 years old (I think it’ll be their sixth) so she’s having to step back from the business for a while. Tom is great with people and products, but not so good on the admin side, so Judith has been the one handling all that for him. Now she wants six months maternity leave, and they need someone to come in and help out ‘with the office’ while she’s nursing and feeding and changing shitty bums and stuff. I have absolutely no experience in administration or records, but they seem happy to train me up, and I’d have a lot of help from Tom’s niece Philippa, who runs the financial side of things, and whom I happen to have gone to sixth-form college with. So to recap – Tom believes there is a guiding force that controls all life and makes things happen for a reason, I called him at the exact moment he was writing an advert for the position, and it turns out I already know the person I would be working most closely with. We haven’t discussed terms and conditions, but I imagine I’ll be getting a phone call soon. Thank God he’s never heard of the word ‘coincidence.’

RC 26-1-10

It's all in the timing..

I don’t want to get back into ‘loafing’ mode and get used to being out of work again, so I had a look through my tattered address book today and rang around asking for employment. Second on the list was Tom Scott, ‘the Wallpaper King of North Norfolk’ for whom I did some mail-room work a fair while ago. Unbelievably, he was in the process of writing a job description for an advert at the JobCentre when I called. Now two things you need to know about Tom. Firstly, he is a self-made successful businessman despite very little education and even less business sense, and secondly, he is INCREDIBLY SUPERSTITIOUS. He refuses to deliver to any house numbered 13, he never uses ladders in case someone walks under them, and he wholeheartedly believes that old adage “Everything Happens For A Reason.” So for him, the fact that I called while he was putting together a job advert is probably ‘a sign’ that I’m right for the job. I am popping in to see him tomorrow to discuss the position further. It could be the easiest interview ever. I’ll just tell him an angel told me it was my destiny to work there and he’ll be falling over himself to hire me.
I’d better go and iron a shirt.

RC 25-1-10

Lavatorial

You’ll think me very low-brow (if you don’t already) but I have to share with you the details of a couple of unpleasant encounters I had today, both of which involve the toilets at the bus station in the city.
After a delayed journey in on the ramshackle sharabang that passes for public transport in these parts nowadays I was a)- determined to buy a car as soon as possible, and b)- absolutely busting for a pee.
I don’t use urinals, for reasons I may explain at a later date, so I went into the one available cubicle ready to ‘make my toilet.’ Now I don’t know what the person who was in there before me had for lunch, but what he left in the bowl looked like oxtail soup with maltesers floating in it. I had to hold my breath and fight back the urge to vomit while I flushed away his residue.
If that wasn’t bad enough, on the way OUT of the toilets, I bumped into the next person coming in – a man in his 60s who had decided to save time by getting his penis out well before he got to the cubicle.
I feel so dirty I could cry.

RC 22-1-10

I've just got out of bed

Yes I had a lovely birthday and yes, I had a bad hangover.
I spent my birthday morning having a lovely stroll in the country. It still amazes me that I can walk more than 100 yards without sweating like a walrus and fighting for breath. Memories of years spent as an 18-stone warthog I guess.
We went out for lunch and then went to the cinema. The ‘Avatar’ experience was fine, even if Hannah wouldn’t stump up the extra five quid to see it in 3D. She didn’t even like my joke that 3D was her first bra size, miserable bitch.
Last night we drank lots of wine and had a good chat while playing some bash-em-up game or other on the Wii. This morning I felt closer to her than I ever have. I also felt like someone had used an industrial sander on the inside of my head and replaced my tongue with a bath sponge, but there we are. The joys of the morning after, I suppose…

RC 21-1-10

Birthday Haiku

This is my birthday
I am twenty-six years old
And yet still a child

RC 20-1-10

Another year of life gone by..

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 26. No, I don't yet know how I'll be spending it, but thanks for asking. Hannah did suggest we got out for lunch and then see 'Avatar' but nothing else has been said. She's still being weird about Nathan. The latest suggestion is that she's going to learn to play a musical instrument as a way of improving herself and forgetting him. I think she's about two days away from calling 'Jeremy Kyle' or 'Trisha'. Gotta love her though. Unless you're a Christian called Nathan, it seems.

I'm so tired.
I've adjusted quite well to 'normal life' after stopping nightshifts, but every so often my body goes mad at midnight and thinks I have to be working, so I can't sleep, and then I'm knackered all day.
I think of weird things when I'm tired.
If you were being held hostage, and they would only let you go if you drank your own weight in Trevor McDonald's piss, or allowed Ben Fogle to bugger you twice, which option would you go for?
See what I mean?
Given those options, I think I'd have to take the piss, which is rare for me, as you know.
I bet it wouldn't even be a struggle. I bet his piss tastes like the finest Chablis ever produced anywhere. With a faint scent of aubergine.

Ok, I'm off to bed now...

RC 19-1-10

Usual end to the weekend

Ted kicked my arse at chess again yesterday. I think that could be my blog entry for every Monday in the past few months really. I’ve read four different books from the library, I practice on the computer every night, and Hannah bought me some weird interactive play-along thing for the games console for Christmas, and I’m still nowhere nearer making a game of it. I do enjoy our little Sunday sessions of chess and tea, but will I ever get anywhere close to not being thrashed?

Hannah only went out on Friday night, and she was home before midnight, and sober. On Saturday she stayed in to watch ‘Hasbeens on Ice’ or something, and all day yesterday she was at home on the laptop ‘looking at some courses I might do in September.’ Maybe her statement about living a better life was more than just the throw-away half-drunk wine-induced comment I took it to be. Personally I still think she’s pining for Nathan, but I could be wrong.

I’m not sure what I’ll be doing today, but I know for a fact I WON’T be working a nightshift later, and that my friends, is all I need to know to be happy.

RC 18-1-10

Weird start to the weekend

I had a chat with Hannah last night, and she scared me. We were talking about Nathan, and I was trying to casually eke into the conversation that I thought they should try again, and she got very melancholy and even thoughtful. Which is very weird for Hannah – being thoughtful. She said “All that God stuff was a bit much, but it did get me thinking… Maybe it’s time to change my ways and live a better life.” I swear she was only two beats away from genuflexion and I felt very uncomfortable and confused. So I quickly changed the subject and opened a bottle of wine and we watched ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skulls.’
It’s shit.

RC 16-1-10

Catch-Up, Part 3

We still have plenty of snow on the ground. I’ve never seen anything like it, which is a curious phrase that I’m never comfortable using, so I’m not sure why I just did, but there we are. My point is this – well, actually there was no point to all that so let’s move on.

I’ve made it my mission to try and get Hannah back with Nathan. She’s been a miserable bitch since she dumped him, and she’s never been single for more than a fortnight, so I’m trying to get them together before she ‘rebounds’ into the arms of some awful neanderthal slug who’ll eat all our food and leave grimy slime in the shower.

I’m thinking of becoming a postman. Or maybe training as a bus driver. I seem to have turned my back on chemistry forever and I fancy doing something that gets me out and about a bit. Admittedly, the fact that I haven’t driven an inch since I passed my driving test may make the bus driver application a bit iffy, but you never know. It was ‘JobSearch’ supplement day in the local newspaper yesterday, so I had a peruse while drinking lots of coffee. Unless you want to be a factory operative or change old people’s knickers for a living, there isn’t a lot about at the moment. Maybe I should think about starting my own business. Or maybe I’ll just have a quick shower and then go and see ‘Sherlock Holmes’ at the cinema.

RC 15-1-10

Catch-Up, Part 2

We’ve had snow on the ground virtually every day since mid-December. Apparently the supermarket is being sued by three different people because they slipped over in the car park, and because no-one takes responsibility for their own lives anymore. And why would you when there’s always someone else to blame, and to sue?

Our Yuletide Day at Ted and Beryl’s ended with a Christmas Chess Challenge, in which all members of the family – and me – played each other at Speed Chess, with the overall winner getting a bottle of whiskey. I thought this could be my chance to redeem myself, and to use all the tricks I’d learnt from GrandMaster Ted to finally win a game and get some glory. It turns out he’s the worst player in his family, and I lost all eight games I played.

Edinburgh was an adventure. Mostly a disappointing one. The snow was so bad that my flight was delayed three times, then re-directed, then cancelled, then after living at the airport for 32 hours I finally got a seat on a crop sprayer. Sophie spent most of the time at the hospital because A&E was so busy and so many staff members couldn’t get in, or had slipped on the ice, or had fallen over drunk or something, so it was a bit expensive and miserable really. Having said that, Edinburgh is incredibly beautiful in the snow, and you simply HAVE to experience New Year’s Eve in Scotland’s capital sometime before you die. That’s given me an idea… COMING SOON TO THIS BLOG – Rory’s List Of Things You Simply HAVE to experience before you die…

RC 13-1-10

Catch-Up, Part 1

A few thoughts from my journal dated Dec 25th..

There’s a magical feeling to Christmas Day that really is unique and impossible to recreate on any other day. It’s like a secret feeling that you’re only privy to one day a year, and when you get it, you can remember exactly what it felt like on Christmas Day last year, or the year before, or 15 years ago, or when you were 10.
If only we could get that feeling more often. But then, would it be so special?

We had a great time with Ted and Beryl. Even though we haven't seen their family since last year, they all greeted us cheerfully and there were hugs and salutations all round. And lots and lots of wine. And food. And games. And just general Christmassy cheerfulness that made me realize how much we missed out on as children, and made me thankful for the relationship we now have with Ted and Beryl and their family. Simon, their youngest son, cornered me in the kitchen at one point and thanked me for everything I'd done this year. I said I couldn't really think of anything I had done, but he said that my friendship and constant concern has been important to both of them throughout this year, and it's been a big help to the family to know that we're living 'across the road' and keeping an eye on them. I was very touched, and to be honest, very moved.

RC 10-1-10

250 words to kick-start my year

Hi all. Good to be back after my mid-winter break. Lots to catch up on, so the next few days will just feature odd snippets of things I’ve written down, and updates on all that’s occurred over the past couple of weeks.
Firstly, I hope you had a wonderful Christmastime, and I wish you all the very best for 2010..

We’ve barely had a day without snow since mid-December. This is probably the longest spell of sub-zero weather in Norfolk in my lifetime. Ted spent an hour telling me about an Arctic winter we had ‘back in the Seventies’ before remembering that he was stationed in the Middle East with the Army at that time, so his information may not be wholly reliable. Ted, by the way, is in excellent health and seems to be making an effort to improve himself, much to his family’s delight. Apart from an Irish coffee on Christmas Day, he had a teetotal Yuletide, which is incredible for a man who likes to start his birthday with a brandy and normally sees any Bank Holiday as an excuse to break out the sherry.

The supermarket tried to call me back in a few days ago. They had an outbreak of norovirus and problems with an icy car park and wondered if I’d go back and provide cover? I respectfully declined.

One of the hardest things about the icy conditions is trying not to laugh when old women skid over with their shopping..

Enough for now.

RC 8-1-10