Juxtaposition of emotions?

In this strangest year
I’m Happy on Hallowe’en
It doesn’t feel right

Normally I hate
The return to GMT
This year not so much

Each second passing
Will take us closer to Spring
And for that, I’m glad

RC 31-10-20

Jurassic Joke of the Day

What do you call a dinosaur with diarrhoea?

A Ve-lotta-crap-tor

RC 29-10-20

'Jinkies' - an Appreciation of Scooby-Doo

I confess that I ran out of words beginning with J and so the premise for this posting has come from a sudden remembering of a word from a cartoon series of my youth. But now I’ve started it – why not go for it?
SO – Scooby Doo. The Scoobster. Scoobert Doobert. Scoob. For 50 years now (FIFTY YEARS) this Great Dane and his gang of teenage mystery solvers have been entertaining the world with their zany animated adventures. We all know the shows. We all know the themes. We all know the catchphrases, the cliches and the characters. They got it so right first time out that they’ve never had to change the basic format. The world has changed and it keeps on changing, but almost every year there has been a new batch of output from the Scooby team that fits the trend of the day whilst also remaining timeless. It is one of those things that is so remarkably consistent and ever-present that no-one seems to appreciate it as they should. It is just taken for granted that Fred, Daphne, Velma and Shaggy, and their loveable, chatty pet will always be with us in one form or other. The animation changes, but the gang remains the same.  The Mystery Machine just keeps on rolling.
But how far, and for how long, has it rolled, exactly? I have researched it and added it all up for you. Here is a list of each consecutive series, with the number of episodes produced and the average run time per episode.

Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? – 41 episodes (21 mins each)
New Scooby-Doo Movies – 24 episodes (43 mins each)
The Scooby-Doo Show – 40 episodes (22-24mins)
Scooby and Scrappy Doo (v1) – 16 episodes (22mins)
Scooby and Scrappy-Doo (v2) – 33 episodes (21 mins)
New Scooby and Scrappy/ New Scooby-Doo Mysteries - 26 Eps (22mins)
13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo – 13 eps (22mins)
A Pup Named Scooby-Doo – 27 eps (22mins)
What’s New, Scooby-Doo – 42 (22)
Shaggy & Scooby get a clue – 26 (22)
Scooby Doo, Mystery Inc – 52 (22)
Be Cool, Sooby-Doo – 52 (22)
Scooby Doo and Guess Who? – 39 (22)  as of the day of this posting

By my reckoning, and my maths, that is a grand total of 165 hours and 12 mins of televisual entertainment. And that doesn’t include two blockbuster live-action movies, a series of one-off direct-to-video animated movie specials, and a 2020 CGI version called ‘Scoob!’ which, were it not for the pesky virus we’ve had this year, would almost certainly have been a worldwide smash hit in the cinemas.
50 years. Three generations. Countless millions of children delighted, intrigued, scared, excited and thrilled.
Bravo.

RC 27-10-20

Just not enough 'J' words

I’m struggling to meet this challenge of mine.
Still a week left in October and I’m already reaching for the dictionary and thesaurus. I never want to deliberately bail out of a challenge, especially when I’ve set it myself, but I do worry that my usual creativity and flow is being stilted somewhat by the obsession with what each blog will be titled.
In other non-blog related matters, I am thoroughly enjoying the non-work aspect of the weekend. I have successfully planted that whole ‘employment’ thing firmly in the back of my mind and I’m having a great couple of days with my wife and son. It is mild enough for a nice walk and dry enough to hang washing out. I am cooking a large, indulgent pork roast for tea, and I am looking forward to watching my chosen NFL team (49ers) live on Sky Sports this evening. The fact that we have changed the clocks and returned to the horrors of GMT has, thus far, bounced off me completely. I am unaffected, optimistic and relaxed. I am not expecting it to last, but I’m enjoying it while I have it.

RC 25-10-20

Jack of No Trades

I am thoroughly hacked off with work this week, and it’s making me feel depressed. Thank God it’s the weekend and I can be away from here for 60 hours or so and re-charge a bit. I think the bloody course I did last week started it all. My usual routine was messed up and I got used to not being here. The course was pointless, but at least I got to do it in the comfort of my own home. When you’re not being forced to go and sit somewhere you hate, you really start to realise how much you dislike it.
The trouble is – with a cloud of tiredness and low mood hanging over me – I don’t feel like I have any options. What can I realistically offer another employer that would give me a chance to break away? What skills do I actually have? (I’m not expecting you to answer that, by the way, this isn’t one of those social media posts that is fishing for forced compliments!)
Ah, well – it’s Friday. Let’s just plough through the last bit of work time, then pick up a make-it-at-home Thai takeaway and a decent bottle of wine. I feel a tipsy visit to “Stan and Ollie” coming my way…

RC 23-10-20

Jakemans, etc

I must be getting old because I’ve started putting together a little ‘Winter Kit’ to have in the back of the car. It’s a sturdy plastic container, with a sealable lid, and I am compiling a list of what to put in it. I want to cover every possible emergency I might encounter while driving, including (but not limited to) freak storms, flooding, a pile-up, carjacking, seizures, stroke, or rapid onset sickness and diarrhoea. It will have a decent pair of boots, a blanket and a shovel (in case we get caught in heavy snow) a spare washbag and change of clothes for Mathew, a bag of toiletries, a torch, a towel, some bottled water, some tinned fruit, a mini-kettle that can plug into the cigarette lighter, Pot Noodles, Kendal Mint Cake and some walnuts. And some paracetamol. And, if I can get my hands on them, some Valium. And maybe a weapon of some kind, in preparation of hostile alien invasion or a huge wave of zombies. Oh – and a sleeping bag or two and a pillow, obviously.

Now I’ve typed all that I’ve realised I may have to buy another car just to fit it all in.

RC 22-10-20

Joy of Parenthood, no. 1167

Mathew is such a little character now. I never would have guessed that by the time he was approaching 2, he would have a distinct personality and we would have a genuine, close relationship. I thought being a dad was just feeding them slop and changing their nappies for a few years before they head off to school and start developing.

Shows you what I knew…

Tonight, when I came in from work he ran (sort of) straight over to me for a pick-up and an aeroplane spin and some silliness and some cuddles. Bless him. Just what one needs when one has spent the day dealing with incompetent delivery drivers and over-compensating upper management. 

RC 21-10-20

Jarringly bad luck

I’m really getting into quinoa in a very big way. Please don’t hate me and throw words like ‘woke’, ‘hipster’ and ‘eco-git’ at me. I just find it versatile, simple to use and (if spiced correctly) delicious. I often mix some up with salad to have cold at lunchtime, and at least once a week I do a big panful and we have it with roasted veg and some chicken thighs. God I sound healthy! I usually follow it up with a tin of creamy rice pudding or a slice of cake, though, so don’t be nominating me for Healthy Twat Of The Year just yet.
Anyway, the reason I mention it at all is to share a little story, give you a little warning, and hope you may learn from my mistake:
Quinoa, for those of you that don’t know, is basically a collection of tiny multicoloured balls. A bag of it looks a bit like the inside of a beanbag, but with the balls being harder and smaller, and not made of polystyrene (so not much like it at all, in hindsight).
ANYWAY – if you rip open a bag of it too enthusiastically, like I did this evening, the bloody stuff flies off in about 3,000 different directions and you spend the next two hours trying to fish it out from under the dishwasher and finding several balls in the living room.
Versatile and tasty it may be, but it’s also very, very difficult to get out of a carpet.
That is all.

RC 20-10-20

Juggling Time

I got so sick of being back in my little office again that I’ve spent all afternoon trying to master ‘an overhand cascade’. It’s a juggling move. I found an online tutorial on YouTube and I’m determined to get it right before I go home. I’ve never had the foresight and planning to leave a set of juggling balls here in my desk, so I’m using an apple, a carton of apple juice and a novelty paperweight in the shape of a tortoise. Not ideal tools, but I’m doing my best.
I should, of course, be catching up with all the work I didn’t do last week because I was at home doing a course, but my thinking is that there’s no point rushing back into the same old routine, because that’s the scenario where mistakes are cultivated. Best to give yourself a ‘soft landing’ after a holiday or enforced absence and spend the first day back doing as little as possible until your mind and body get used to the return. Plus – I got loads done in advance, so it’s not as if I’m months behind in my paperwork. Plus – I had a colleague keeping an eye on things while I was gone, so he was dealing with issues as they arose, rather than leaving them in a pile for me to look at today, so there really isn’t all that much to get on with.
I am, to be honest, supposed to have all my Christmas and New Year rota requests sorted by the end of October (and therefore the end of this week) but I’m not sure there’s any point in doing that this year. We could set everything in stone, then have two members of staff self-isolating from mid-December and the whole thing will go in the bin. I have a feeling that will be quite a common practice come Xmas week – people who fancy a bit of time at home over the festive period will suddenly develop Covid symptoms and have an excuse to keep away from work. None of my staff are included in that projection, by the way, I have a really good team who look out for each other and no-one is that sneaky or dishonest, but I bet it’ll be happening elsewhere.
Anyway – back to the juggle-isation.

RC 19-10-20
1700 BST

Just... SO glad to be back on site

People are starting to panic-buy because there is an online rumour that we may have a 2-week mini-lockdown happening soon. A) Its just a rumour, and B) SHOPS STAY OPEN IN A LOCKDOWN. There is NO NEED to buy loads of extra shit to fill your house with. Did no-one learn this back in March/April? Are the British public really this stupid? Sadly, I believe the answer is YES.

RC 19-10-20

Jingo! Fri-ku!

October flies by
We’re two weeks from Hallowe’en
Time is a weird beast

October sixteenth
In three months and four days’ time
Its Rory’s birthday!

Get out and enjoy
Last few days with light evenings
Before the clocks change

RC 16-10-20

Jugular self-mutilation narrowly averted

There have been times this week that I’ve been driven close to suicide, but thankfully we’ve made it to Thursday and I’m looking forward to the weekend.

This course could have been over and done with in about four hours. Well done to Gerard for getting himself a week’s wages out of it. I can’t wait for the inevitable feedback form where I’m supposed to paraphrase everything I’ve learnt and show my humble gratitude for my gracious employers who deemed to endow me with this breathtakingly boring commitment. If I was being honest I would write “Waste of everyone’s time” but I suppose I’ll be kind. Then they might throw another one of these things my way. Because for all my complaining, it has meant that I got to spend the entire week at home, watching Gerard’s efforts on my laptop with one eye while playing games on my carefully hidden Wii with the other. Head Offices all over the country are obsessed with these constant ongoing developmental courses, so if someone within our company is going to be paid to sit at home drinking tea and gaming it might as well be me.

So – yes – I shall endeavour to write a glowing report about the whole experience, saying how I have learnt so much about myself and my workplace, and how grateful I am to have been given the chance to expand my product knowledge and managerial skillset. (That’s assuming I get through tomorrow without hanging myself.)

RC 15-10-20

Junior's doing good

This course is more involved (although not more interesting) than I thought. The chance to distract myself with at-home activities while leaving 5% on my brain attached to the on-screen arrangements has evaporated. There’s a dozen of us in the same virtual classroom and we all have to interact and share ideas and work together to solve problems. Its not as bad as it sounds, actually. I know its only Day One, but so far I’ve found it surprisingly informative and not at all cringe-inducing, and this may be the first course I’ve ever attended (and there have been many) that I can say that for.

Give Gerard (pronounced JER-RARD, to rhyme with HARD) his due – he may look as if he’s still being breastfed, but the guy can keep you interested in what he’s saying.

RC 12-10-20

Jumping to conclusions

I have been sent a video message by the guy who is running our course this week. His name is Gerard O’Connell and he looks about eleven. One of my complaints about the trainers and ‘experts’ that my company books is that they grab these coves straight out of university, meaning they’re armed with a 2:2 degree in Business Studies but zero experience of retail work. Most of what they say is irrelevant. But this dude looks like his voice hasn’t even broken yet, so it may be that he’s nowhere near old enough for uni and therefore won’t be polluted by a bad education and the obsession with ‘blue-sky thinking’. Maybe he won a drawing competition at school and the prize was to run this course for a week. At least it means the days may be gentle and not too ‘full-on’, as he’ll probably need an afternoon nap.

RC 11-10-20

10th day, 10th month, 10th letter

Just thought of a new challenge for myself:

EVERY POSTING IN NOVEMBER WILL START WITH THE LETTER ‘K’!

(Because Nov is the eleventh month, etc.. (see title above))

Then I thought… THINK BIG…. How about:

EVERY BLOG POSTING IN 2021 WILL START WITH THE LETTER THAT CORRESPONDS TO THE POSITION IN THE ALPHABET THAT MATCHES THE MONTH ON THE CALENDAR. i.e A in January, B in February, etc

That may be a little ambitious, but by way of testing the water (and my own commitment) I’ve decided every remaining blog post in October will have a title that starts with the letter “J”.

(Not including this one…)

RC 10-10-20

End of the week; end of my enthusiasm

My last day in the office for a while, as I have my enjoyable at-home training course next week. Mind you – it has been pointed out to me that if issues arise and my stand-in feels I am needed, I am expected to make my way into the office. It has also been pointed out to me that attendance at every session of the training is mandatory and therefore if I am missing from Zoom for any reason at any point during the course I will have to re-take the whole thing, at my own expense. I’m not sure how those two parameters can co-exist and be adhered to, but there we are – such is the standard of management in this company.

I’m quite looking forward to the change, really. I know lots of people who found a real benefit to the enforced working-from-home aspect of lockdown. I missed out on that, so this is my chance to experience a bit of what they went through. I’ve already worked out that, if I’m very careful, I can have my Wii set up off-screen behind my laptop and spend large chunks of the day playing Madden while the trainer prattles on incessantly online. As long as I listen enough to answer the multiple-choice assessment at the end of the week, it should be fine.

Today I have lots to do to get ahead of myself, so I don’t have to think about it over the weekend, so please stop distracting me now and let me get on with it.

Thanks.

RC 9-10-20

A noticeable difference

CYCLING DURING LOCKDOWN:

Get on my bike, have a gentle ride for 45-60 minutes round the quiet lanes, enjoying the peaceful calm of the countryside, seeing maybe 2 or 3 different people out for walks with their dogs or their families.

 

CYCLING NOW:

Bike 300 yards, then have to pull into a gateway to let a car go past, bike another 100 yards then have to climb into the hedge because there’s a tractor coming the other way, bike another 100 yards then have to stand on the grass verge to avoid a middle-aged woman driving a people-carrier with one child in it, turn left onto the main road to avoid the busy country lanes, then have a near miss every 12 seconds because people driving on A-roads are completely blind to cyclists.

RC 8-10-20

Crock-pot Crazy

I’m getting a bit obsessed with our slow-cooker. I’ve always looked on them as a tool for lazy people who can’t be bothered to put a meal together properly, but boy has my opinion changed. I love my food and being able to prep something for tea before I even get ready for work is an early-morning delight. Knowing what I have waiting for me at home is a real help in keeping myself motivated at work, and not having to spend an hour in the kitchen after a long day’s slog in the office makes a hell of a difference to my evening mood. Tonight, for example, I walked in the house to be greeted by the smell of Mediterranean chicken thighs marinating in soy, ginger and turmeric. I chucked on some simple boil-in-the-bag rice, let it simmer while I had a quick shower, and BINGO – tea was ready before I even dried my feet. Philippa came in to find the table set and a plate of food steaming away and collapsed on her chair with hunger, excitement and gratitude.

Tomorrow I may try a slow-cook beef curry. Can you imagine how great that will smell after 8 hours churning away in our Breville?

In a word - Yummy!

RC 7-10-20

Can't wait...

I have to do an online course for work next week. It should have meant a week away in a hotel somewhere, but in these times of at-home, no-contact working it’ll all be done via Zoom. That’s caused an issue, apparently, because the terms of my employer’s deal with Microsoft Teams means they’re not allowed to use any other video conferencing system, but the trainers they have booked only use Zoom. Not sure that’s true, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it is. I’m not even sure what the course is about. Something to do with integrating systems and one-placing three different formats into a new streamlined algorithm. If I ever look at the info properly, I’ll let you know what it says. None of my same-level, CodeNames-playing Meta-Management buddies are attending, there’s just 10 of us from all over Britain being taught by some young bod in Brighton, I think. Philippa says it sounds like they’re preparing me for a promotion – giving me a bit of extra training so I can take over a higher position. I think it’s more likely they’ve decided to dump something new on one person in each area, and they’ve decided I’m the most likely person in my area to be compliant. Either way, it’s a nice change but an annoying interruption. They actually wanted me to do this from my office so I could continue with my usual duties. It took a week of negotiations, threats and dummy-throwing before they finally succumbed to my request to do it from home, so I would be free of distractions and interruptions. So, my colleague from the South-Suffolk Sub-Division will be filling in for me, but his wages have to come from my budget. So they’re forcing me to do a course I don’t want, and forcing me to use my own wages allowance to fund my ability to do it. You gotta love this company.

RC 6-10-20

Some random Monday thinking

There are few things in life I enjoy more than watching Simona Halep play tennis.

I find it hard to be optimistic at this time of year… But in 6 month’s time we’ll be in April.

Microsoft Word and its automatic grammar/spellcheck thing is the most annoying thing ever invented. If you write “6 month’s time” it tells you it’s wrong. If you write “6 months time” it tells you it’s wrong. If you write “6 months’ time” it tells you it’s wrong. Put in any possible combination of apostrophe placements and it will try to correct them all.  Most people reading things couldn’t tell the shagging difference anyway, what difference does it make? Microsoft need to take this feature and shove it up its fecking plop-hole.

American Football is a game where two teams line up facing each other, have their hands all over each other, shout and yell to get each other’s attention, start each play with their faces less than 50cm apart, and spend the whole game trying to physically block the opposition. Why is anyone surprised they’re getting Covid outbreaks???

I’m determined not to let the weather to drag me down. The first day we have without rain, I’m breaking out the barbecue….

RC 5-10-20

Zeus and Yahweh and the UK Climate Protocols

Whoever the God (or Gods) is (or are) that control the weather, I think this must be their attitude towards Britain:

“Right – we’re not giving you Summer, ever.

Ok, thinking about it, you can have a bit of Summer, but not much.

You can have 10 days of Summer every year, but they won’t be 10 days that are near each other. You can have a 2 or 3 day stretch In April that gets you excited for what’s ahead, then you can have another 2 or 3 days spell just before the schools break up for their holiday, and then when it gets to September you can have another spell of 2 or 3 days, just to show you what you missed. Immediately after each spell you can put up with torrential rain for a while.

Most of Autumn will be soaking wet, most of Winter will be damp and foggy, most of Spring will be like Winter was 20 years ago. It’ll snow in April and be sunny at Christmas, just to mess with your traditions.

Generally speaking you can have 250 days a year when everything is damp and breezy and the sky is a uniform grey, and 100 days a year when it’s dark enough to need a torch. The rest will be howling gales or a heatwave.

Enjoy.”

RC 4-10-20

Your latest batch of Fri-ku

Another month gone

Most of us will be glad to see

2021

 

October mindset:

Enjoy the last few bright days

Prepare for Winter

 

Cycling is joyful

But if you have haemorrhoids

Cycling is painful

 

No work this weekend

I intend to drink red wine

And NOT decorate

 

This is a good time

To download all Beatles songs

And listen again

RC 2-10-20