Cliched Ches

Well I’m lacking inspiration but felt like I should write something to mark the passing of January. When I wake up tomorrow, the first month of the year will be over. So much has happened, and yet so little has changed. I am so different, and yet so not so. It is the last day of the month and I’m falling into the trap of being reflective as if it is the end of a year. It isn’t, and even if it was it wouldn’t make any difference. Days pass, and years the same, and it’s all a major irrelevance; nothing but mans attempt to fit nature into chunks of his own choosing. A display of our cosmic arrogance. 
Bet you’re now wishing I hadn’t bothered blogging at all tonight, eh?
I’ll leave you with a haiku:
A birthday present
A wooden solitaire game
Bloody frustrating

RC 31-1-17

Saturd-aiku

It’s January
Not for much longer, thank God
I’m ready for March

RC 28-1-17

quickie from my workdesk

I’m working on an end-of-month report to send up to Head Office and the only thing I’ve written so far is this:
Someone in the bakery has been getting diddled by one of the male till monkeys and her husband showed up to ‘discuss it’ 
I’m not sure it’s the sort of thing they want to hear about it so I guess I’ll have to start over….

RC 27-1-17

Older than I used to be

I’m really struggling this week. I normally moan about disruptions (as you may have noticed) but I’m able to work through them and get on with life as best I can. Not this week though. This week seems to be overwhelming me a bit. Might be the aforementioned aftermath of my birthday - the celebrations are over and I have nothing to distract me from the horrors of Winter. Might be the trauma of watching my beloved garage being ripped in half and rebuilt to satisfy the greed of my capitalist scum-faced overlords. Actually, thinking about it, it probably isn’t that. For ‘beloved garage’ read ‘under-heated claustrophobic shit tip’ and for ‘trauma’ read ‘disinterested distraction.’
I hate to admit this, but I think I’m over-tired. We took it pretty easy compared to previous birthday weekends, but it was still a bit full-on at times and involved overindulgence of both the liquid and solid varieties, and also featured less sleep than one would logically need in ones thirties. Add to that the fact that I sat up til gone 3am on Monday morning watching lots of American athletes running into each other, and it’s no real surprise I’m off my game a bit. 
Don’t tell anyone I admitted it, but I don’t think I can handle it any more! Those student days of all-night parties three times a week without ever missing a lecture and without being late with an assignment are a long time into my past now. Two consecutive Sundays of only two hours sleep, with a Friday birthday lodged in between them, have flattened me. I would take a day off work to recover but there’s so much going on there at the moment that I’d just get two or three phone calls at home and then have a desk full of shit to sort through on my return. Assuming, that is, my desk hadn’t been moved, removed or annihilated in my absence. 
No, I feel I shall have to go on suffering in silence, and fight through it with my usual fortitude and professionalism……..

RC 25-1-17

Tuesday terrors

God, my birthday happiness has disappeared quicker than a fat girls promise to diet. Work woes have enveloped me tighter than a pair of size 12 leggings on a fat girl and my enthusiasm for management is now at the level of a fat girls enthusiasm for salad. Why have I just used fat girls three times in an opening salvo? I don’t know, but please don’t take offence and please don’t complain. I’m very tired and I’m very stressed and I’m therefore typing stuff that I’d normally reject in my mind before it got anywhere near a keyboard. 
Chaos reigns supreme on the forecourt. We have the cheapest available builders trying to do a job that should have involved closing the garage for a fortnight. But Those Above Me insist on staying open so we don’t lose a few quid while the work is done, so we’ve got guys in hardhats wandering around in between delivery drivers and customers, most of whom are complaining that they’re unprotected and endangered. Anyone would think we were filling their cars with plutonium and forcing them to inhale asbestos. Whingeing bastards. 
I’m told “It’ll all be worth it when it’s finished” but as things stand I have no office, we only have one till, half our stock is in boxes, there’s brick dust all over the produce and every single encounter with a member of the public starts with a ‘huff’ or a ‘tut.’
I might try and sneak a little addition onto the plans when the builders aren’t looking, because if I don’t come out of this with at least a foot spa I’m going to be angry for life. 

RC 24-1-17

Monday Musings (& Mopings)

Had a lovely birthday weekend, all round. Now I am fighting the post-celebration blues and struggling to settle back into work mode. Having my birthday so soon after Christmas is great in the way that it gives me a joyous time of frivolity that lasts for more than a month, but now I’m left with a long spell of 2017 before having anything big to get excited about. Sure, there are other people’s birthdays and religious holidays and the like and suchforth, but they’re not centred around me so I can’t lap up all the attention can I????
This is extremely selfish, I know, and I assure you it will pass over me soon, but I like to be honest in this blogsphere and that is how I am feeling at this present moment. 

RC 23-1-17

Sunday Stuff

How am I today? - Still in full-on birthday mode (while knowing I should be preparing myself for a return to work.) Today is bright and crisp and incredibly cold and we’re off for a lunchtime walk soon. It’s one of those rare Winter days that I absolutely love. As still as it can be and with the sun shining down like it’s August. If every day in Winter could be like this, I would be a true fan of all seasons. But let’s be honest - it’s a rarity. Our normal run-of-the-mill January day is dull, windy and unbearable. This year, so far, it’s been much more enjoyable and I’m taking today as a birthday gift from the Weather Gods.

It’s the two NFL Championship games tonight. Back-to-back matches for the second Sunday in a row. Perfect if you live in the USA, where it gives you an all-day viewing fest; not so great if you’re English coz it means sitting up well into Monday. So am I going to learn a lesson from last week and pick sleep as more important than sport? Am I bollocks. It’s only once a year and it’s the only sport I like enough to watch for hours on end, so put the kettle on tonight and avoid me at work tomorrow coz I’m pulling an all-nighter. 

RC 22-1-17

Revelations 21:1

Your birthday tends to be more pleasant if you don’t spend most of it pissed.
The evenings are noticeably lighter; thus Spring is on the way.
Regular weekends without work is as good as an annual holiday.
I’d like to get Philippa pregnant. 

RC 21-1-17

Thursday threats and thrust-ups

My last day of work before birthday happiness and I spend most of it caught up in confrontation and conflict.  One of our part-time male till monkeys is a guy in his fifties called Tom. He’s semi-retired after a car accident gave him several physical limitations, but still likes to work when he can to keep himself from going stir crazy at home. He’s always very cheerful and is a great worker and everyone is in agreement that he is a thoroughly decent chap and nice to spend time with. Well, everyone was in agreement. A few people have changed their opinion of him now. It turns out he’s a bit of a seduction specialist and has spent the last few months diddling one of the girls from the in-store bakery. She’s only 27 and is married, and her husband recently found out about her shenanigans and was not, as you might expect, best pleased. He decided, perhaps foolishly, that the ideal way to deal with this situation was to storm into the supermarket while Tom was at work and confront him and expose him and threaten him in front of the public. As you can imagine, this caused quite the scene, and we ended up with security removing the cuckolded husband to the staff room, Tom being treated by a first-aider, the police being called to sort out charges and caution him, a huge number of customers wanting to give statements as witnesses and most of the on-duty managers consequently tied up with the aftermath. So it was all hands to the pumps and Rory got hauled out of his cosy office at the garage to take on the role of temporary general manager. It was all a bit unsavoury and all an emotional storm in a teacup, but I have to admit I enjoyed sitting in the ultimate position of on-site power and knowing the whole facility was mine to command as I chose. Did naff all with it but sit there watching CCTV cameras that I don’t normally have access to, but still… made a nice change from the normal humdrum existence, so Happy Birthday me!
‘Till monkeys’ by the way, is an industry-wide accepted term of affection and is not meant by me as an insult. 

RC 19-1-17

Parental Misguidance

One of our chatty regulars came in today and cornered me for a chinwag while I was checking the stock rotation in the upright fridges (My work life is such fun). 
Mrs Nash drives a Suzuki and fills it up once a week or so. Today she brought with her ‘little Johnnie’ her home-schooled boy of seven who is kept away from ‘the germ-ridden, brainwashing, malcontent-infested hellpit of school education’ and consequently is incredibly lonely.
She was waxing lyrical about their decision to bring him up sugar-free. 
“We keep him away from anything processed that might have added sugar. We tried making some no-sugar chocolate over Christmas but he decided it was too bitter and rejected it.”
“So he didn’t have any kinds of treats over Christmas then?” I asked.
“Only non-edible ones” she said, smiling.
Now I’d respect the rights of any parent to raise their child as they see fit, and in keeping with their own beliefs; and I’m not saying what they’re doing is wrong. But Johnnie has the saddest expression on his face I’ve ever seen a child wear, and it will haunt me while I‘m sleeping.

RC 17-1-17

Bleary-eyed, bloodshot and battered

It’s Monday, and I’m tired, and it’s self-inflicted, but it hurts. If I was sensible, I wouldn’t have sat up overnight watching back-to-back NFL play-off games. But it’s a long off-season from February to September, and who wants to miss Packers v Cowboys followed by Chiefs v Steelers? Even when it doesn’t finish til 4am? 
Trouble is, the second game was supposed to be the first but they moved it to avoid a predicted ice storm. By the time the later kick-off was announced I was committed and in the mindset to watch it regardless. So the Gods Of American Weather shall incur my wrath, if I have the energy to fight them. 

RC 16-1-17

Arse like a war zone

If you asked me to list my worst ever experiences in a toilet, then this morning would be in the Top 5. 
The rumour about Elvis Presley is that he was constipated due to his diet, and strained so hard to get a poo out that his heart gave out where he sat. I’ve never believed that was possible until today. 
It was like trying to force out a tennis ball through a small tube coated with Velcro. 
I think I need to eat more fibre. 

RC 15-1-17

Lost in time? Or just a twat?

You might have noticed that my habit is to leave my initials and the date at the bottom of each blog posting. You may also have noticed that I’ve been unfocussed while doing it this month and ended up pretending it’s still last year. So if, like me, you’ve be wondering how many times I’ve put ‘xx-1-16’ as the date during January, wonder no more as I’ve just counted. It’s 6. (so far)
Maybe my 2017 blog challenge should be to get the ****ing date right more often.

RC 14-1-17
1930 GMT

more reflections on yesterdays weather

The greatest thing about panic buying is that it makes my figures look wonderful. One morning with a covering of snow and it looks like I’ve sold a fortnights worth of petrol in a day. 
I also got to have my annual ‘Here’s a Hole in your Argument’ conversation with a customer, which usually runs something like this:
“Filling up again Mrs Johnson?”
“God yes. You can’t be too careful,”
“You’ve only managed to fit three pounds worth of diesel into your car, Mrs Johnson. You’ve probably used more fuel on your journey today than you’ve actually put in the tank.”
“I know. But it s good to be prepared isn’t it ?”
“For what, exactly?”
“The weather”
“It’s only going to snow today, Mrs J. It’ll probably all be melted by Monday.”
“Maybe, but like I said - you can’t be too careful. You might run out of diesel and trucks could get stuck and not be able to get here to refill you”
“If that’s the case though, you wouldn’t be going anywhere in  your car, would you, Mrs Johnson?”
“What?”
“Well if a fully-laden 18-wheel fuel truck can’t make it on the roads, your little Citroen C3 won’t stand much of a chance, will it?”
I must also, at this point, say a huge thank you to Mrs Samantha Ormeroyd, a new lady working in the staff canteen in the supermarket, who yesterday introduced me to the joys of black-cherry flavoured hot chocolate. The thought of it made me want to vomit, but on a cold Winters day with the chaos swirling around us, it was absolutely wonderful.

RC 14-1-17

So much snow

I feel today has shown me that I have made progress in my quest to be a better person. You may have noticed that we had rather a lot of snow falling this morning, so obviously the masses of Suffolk assembled at the supermarket to empty the shelves of everything, in anticipation of a six-week, snow-induced shut-in. Normally this would drive me into a frenzy of despair and hatred, but today I was able to observe it from afar, let it all unfold without getting involved, and remind myself that stupid people are entitled to behave stupidly, and it can only upset my day if I let it. Admittedly, it’s easier to stay true to that sentiment when I’m in the filing station rather than the supermarket itself, but I still complement myself on a day well managed and I shall reward myself with a good film later. Normally I’d reward myself with chocolate or alcohol but I think I need to tone down the Christmas eating now. Strange things are happening to my bowel movements, none of them pleasant, and I’m sick of using half a roll of toilet paper every time I visit the bathroom. So I’m sticking to three set meals, all of them healthy, with no snacking in between and NOTHING after 7pm at night.
Until my birthday, anyway, which is a week today (in case I hadn’t mentioned it)

RC 13-1-17

The 12th? Already? Seriously?

I always used to moan about the first two weeks of January because they always seemed to drag on infinitely and make the wait for my birthday seem even worse than the wait for Christmas. This year though the days seem to be rattling by as if it’s mid-Summer. Maybe it’s my age… Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m distracted by the turmoil at work, where Those Above Me are determined to plough ahead with the plans to expand the forecourt and have us open overnight, despite my best efforts to convince them otherwise. I know you can’t halt progress, and it’s futile for one insignificant manager to try, but I’m doing my best to do my bit to counteract the “Bigger! Better! More!” trend of the modern world and keep things exactly as they are. No luck, though. My little protests remain unsuccessful, and my e-mails remain ignored. 
So let’s discuss nicer, happier things. My birthday is on a Friday and I’m not working at all that weekend! Stand by for high jinks a-plenty, and much consumption of vino. I fancy an evening of bowling, followed by an all-night movie session and some nice chilled bottles of wine. Not sure what vintage or variety, but I can guarantee you I won’t be leaping onto the bandwagon that is inhabited by every person of drinking age in the country and buying some Prosecco, because the obsession with that sparkling piss is beyond me. 

RC 12-1-16

A crap one-liner about the weather...

I can’t believe how windy it is today. I just dropped an order sheet on my way across the car park and I think it ended up in Belgium…

RC 11-1-16

Mumbling McCockfeatures

Finally watched the film “Interstellar” last night. It’s hard to tell whether it was good or not because I spent most of the time trying to decipher what Matthew McConaughey was supposed to be saying. What the Hell is wrong with that bloke? He sounded like the love child of Rocky Balboa and Jackie Mason doing an impression of Blanche Dubois after she relocated to Texas and took a lot of tranquilisers. When Michael Caine started talking about finding a wormhole in space I thought “Good. Chuck the lead character in and send him off to another fecking galaxy so he doesn’t ruin any more movies with his cack-handed acting and his cack-mouthed choices of accent.”

RC 10-1-16

Crisis averted

Do you know what time I fell asleep in the end? About 15 minutes after posting last nights blog. So much for sitting up and indulging. I woke up at 3.47am with a stiff neck, a headache and a bursting bladder. Probably just as well I passed out really. I think the reason I’d felt poorly at 9ish was because of all the sugary, fatty stuff we ate at Beryl’s. I felt better by 10.30 because my body had dealt with some of the content of my digestive system and broken it down and dispersed it. If I’d gone piling into the kitchen again and stuffed myself with snacks I’d have brought all that discomfort roaring back again. As it was, I slept and recovered and held off the potential food hangover and felt ok today……. 
….which means I can pile into the chocolates tonight instead!!!  Yay!!!

RC 9-1-16

Amazing what a power-nap can do

Spent an hour dozing on the sofa and look at me now! I’m up for the NFL Wild Card matches, full of energy and full of zest and full of paracetamol. Giants at Packers blasting out in the background, a wife comfortably settled in bed and a large pile of Christmas chocolates calling to me from the kitchen cupboard.
I suppose the sensible thing would be to go to bed but (forgive me my sins) I’m not being sensible. It was Christmas two weeks ago, New Year a week ago, and in between the next two weekends it’s my birthday, so I’m in my month-long, full-on visit to Celebration Central. I felt rough a while ago but I feel alright now, so let’s break out the Toblerone and sit up til 1am.

RC 8-1-16
2250 GMT

Delights, and de-darkness

Saw Ted and Beryl today. Nice roast meal and finishing off the leftover mince pies and shortbread. Watched some darts and listened to Ted moaning about the fact that it’s on Channel 4 now instead of BBC and so we have to break for adverts. 
I’m struggling to write this, if I’m honest. Inspiration is lacking and I’m feeling as if I have nothing of interest to share with you. 
I’m aware of the fact that it might be post-Xmas blues mixed with Winter depression mixed with laziness, but I’m also feeling a bit under the weather and might be on the cusp of a cold. So I’m going to leave it there, make myself a Lemsip with some brandy in, and see how I feel later. 

RC 8-1-16

Three Little Ducks

It only feels like an hour ago I was wrapping Christmas presents and getting excited about my wedding anniversary, and now a new year has come crashing down around me and that whole season of festivities seems like a lifetime ago.  The cold harsh reality of ’normal’ life is sinking into my skin and chilling me with its icy boringness. We’ve taken down the Christmas displays at work and are now starting to clear things away in preparation for the horrors of kiosk expansion and overnight opening hours.
It’s all so very depressing.
On the other hand - I lived the yuletide life to its fullest, it’s only two weeks til my birthday, and I am feeling that only-in-the-mind-but-psychologically-uplifting-none-the-less bout of optimism that always appears for humans when the year we have struggled with is replaced by a new one. It’s as if the act of replacing one calendar with another is the same as replacing one persona with another; a way of wiping out the mistakes of a whole year and emerging reborn into a new era of possibilities. It’s a load of old bollocks but whatever gets you through the Winter darkness right?
Happy New Year, by the way.
(And the title of this blog posting - the first of 2017 - is a reference to the number of blogs I posted during the whole of last year, about which more later…..)

RC 3-1-17