Why why why why why?

I did something last night I haven’t done since university. I had a one-night stand. The young lad in the corner shop who looks like a rat with acne told me they had a quiz night in The Lion so I thought ‘Why not go for a giggle?’
I wouldn’t say the locals are thick, but I won the quiz on my own, and every other team had 4 members.
Somehow, someway, I ended up going home with the head waitress ‘Samantha’ and her sister. It’s not as exciting as it sounds – her sister was the human equivalent of Orca the Killer Whale and she’s the one I woke up next to. I think the sickening gnaw in my stomach was less to do with the ten pints of Stella, and more to do with my repulsion at the hare-lipped gargoyle I had obviously been inside last night. I tried to sneak out, thinking her horse-like snoring would cover my footsteps, but God saw fit to throw a spanner in the works and I fell over my shoes and crashed into the bedside cabinet. Without turning over she said “I hope you’re not leaving, son – I haven’t had me afters yet..” How the Hell I didn’t vomit on my Reeboks is a miracle in itself.
I somehow made it home for a two-hour shower and buried my shame beneath a Spam and mango toastie and some Oven Chips.
So that’s another notch on the “Shouldn’t Have” bedpost, and another pub in town I can’t revisit.

RC 16-9-08
2020 BST