Going For Gold

I’m enjoying watching the Olympics. The spectacle, the athleticism, the colour; the pageantry, the emotions, the adrenaline.. and that’s just the Beach Volleyball. I have to praise beyond measure the schedulers. They’ve put a sport in which stunning young women jump around in their underwear on TV at exactly the time I need it to be there – three o’clock in the morning when everyone else is asleep.
Last time around I didn’t see a bit of The Games. We only had one telly and mum refused to let us watch Athens2004 because it meant she missed out on her shopping channels. I still wonder why she needed to buy a 12-foot fishing rod and a PowerSander but there we are.. The Power Of Impulse Purchasing, I suppose. That, and being a materialistic alcoholic with the will power of a pregnant slug.
With four years to go until the UK f**k up the Olympics in London, I’ve decided to try and compete. Here’s my list of Events Presenting Possible Medal Chances For Rory 2012:
Omelette making
Gaining weight
Promising to diet
Eczema
Avoiding Real Relationships By Only Having Girlfriends Online
Left-handed masturbation
Festering
Being lazy
Wasting your qualifications
Alienation
Anal Retention
and the one I think could bring me the gold…
Surviving The Aftermath Of An Alcoholic Parent Who Runs Off Leaving You To Deal With All The Local Authorities She Had Battles With While Trying To Retain Your Sanity And Get The Bitch’s Smell Out Of The Sofa.

Must go – the women’s diving is now starting..

RC 13-8-08
1200 BST