May's last day. Hurray? Ok..

What a nice weekend.
I had bank holiday Monday off, despite it being a very busy time at the supermarket. The joys of being in management, eh?
Sophie and Tamara are on fine form, but travel back to Edinburgh today. The sooner they can get jobs in Norfolk and move back here, the better.
We all went out for a meal on Sunday. It was amazing. I sat there at one point, holding hands with Philippa while everyone else was chatting and laughing, and realised it was probably the first time in our lives that I had seen both my sisters happy, while also feeling that way myself. It almost felt like life is rewarding us for the years of crap we endured from our mother.
Excuse me while I wipe away a tear.

Back to the grind of work life today. The good news is that it doesn’t fill me with fear anymore. In fact, since getting a glowing report from Ron (the real name of my trainer ‘vitu’) on Friday I am pretty much glowing with confidence. The bad news is that my placement this week, where I shadow a manager in my position in a different store, is in Suffolk. So I am off to the train station soon with a small suitcase, facing the prospect of three nights away from my beloved. I hope the company is ready for an expensive phone bill from my hotel room…

Rc 31-5-11

the rambling haiku results of an insomniac Saturday night..

In the hospital
they give you MRSA
then they send you home

Why does a new job
always entail learning things
that are wastes of time?

Who were ‘The Darkness’?
Why did they turn from music?
Why have they come back?

Why do the English
think things can be made better
by a cup of tea?

Nothing on this earth
can keep you awake all night
like insomnia

May has been wintry
while April was like summer
Where has the sun gone?

Love is like a bee
It gives you a painful sting
Then rapidly dies

I like bird-watching
But some obsessive twitchers
Are just mad perverts

If we took the cash
that women waste on make-up
We could build more schools

Most sport is boring
The only one worth watching
is beach volleyball
　
RC 29-5-11

An insight into our life together

An exchange took place in our kitchen this evening that I feel I’d like to share with you: Philippa now has a key to our house, and I came home to find she had let herself in after work, and was drinking a glass of wine in the kitchen. I walked in wearing a tight rugby shirt and my cycling shorts.
She said: “Mmm-mmm. That looks like a body I could lick all over.”
I said: “I doubt it. I’ve been cycling for three hours and I’m hot and soaked. My nutsack is sweatier than a bull in a cow field.”
She said: “Right. Now you’ve really killed the mood.”

RC 27-5-11

Breakthrough

Something remarkable happened today.
I was back in the training room with TMWTMBVITU, or ‘VITU’ as I shall call him from now on, and unbelievably and unexpectedly, THINGS STARTED SINKING IN!! He got me to go over everything we’d done this week and it all just seemed to click into place. I did a complete ghost order from start to finish with no help. When Vitu checked it (and believe me, this man checks things thoroughly) he smiled, patted my knee and said “Perfect. I knew you’d get it eventually.” Talk about a weight lifted off your shoulders..
He showed me a few other things I need to know about backing up and housekeeping, then at 4 o’clock he said “We’re actually ahead of schedule. Unless you feel you’d like any re-caps, we can probably sign all this off tomorrow and you’ll be able to go home at lunchtime.”
I could have kissed him, if he wasn’t so physically repulsive.

RC 26-5-11

Another difficult day

I’m rapidly falling out of love with this job.
Well, I was never really in love with it to start with , so maybe it’s more accurate to say I’m rapidly falling into hatred with it.
The Man With The Most Boring Voice In The Universe, or ‘TMWTMBVITU’ as I’ll call him from now on, is about as good at training as I am at croquet. He can’t seem to grasp the fact that it’s easy for him because he’s worked there for years, whereas I have never seen these computer systems before, so it’s taking a while to sink in. And being arsey about it, and constantly looking disappointed, and saying things like ‘let’s go over it again shall we?’ or ‘I thought you had a degree in something?’ does not help.
Maybe it’s just a clash of personalities, but anything he tells me refuses to stick in my head. Maybe I should talk to Ginger Graham and see if someone else can train me, otherwise I might not make it to Friday.

RC 25-5-11

Another reason to love her..

I had some kind of weird panic attack in the training room today. I was tired, having sat through six hours of being shown the different ordering systems, and starting to feel bored and out of my depth. My trainer (hereafter known as ‘The Man With The Most Boring Voice In The Universe’) went off to get a cup of tea. Left to my own devices, I decided to attempt one of the ‘ghost orders’ that he’d been showing me, and it went horribly, horribly wrong. I somehow managed to order £100,000 worth of cucumbers from a supplier in Spain, and re-programme the computer so that everything on the screen turned blue.
When my trainer returned, he took one look at the screen and said “Some children just can’t help playing with things can they?” before re-setting the colour scheme with the simple press of a button. Then he looked at the order I’d messed up, sighed and said “Good job we have a few more days to go over this…”
My confidence was in tatters, and I couldn’t help thinking ‘this could be the story of my life for the next three decades - struggling to understand computer systems and being patronised by a mono-browed, mono-toned tech geek with hands like a woofter and no buttocks’ and that was when the panic set in.
By the time I got home I was tearful and on the verge of vomiting. I poured my feelings out to Philippa who gave me a hug, then picked up her car keys and said ‘come on, let’s go for a walk on the beach.’ It was the last thing I felt like doing but by God it did me the world of good.
When we got back, I was relaxed and hungry, and that awful feeling of dread and claustrophobia was gone. Philippa said “If you can’t get the hang of it, or you end up hating it, you can leave and do something else. Earning money is not worth hurting your soul for. Remember that, anytime you feel like you did today, and I promise it’ll all feel better. And if it doesn’t, come home to me and we’ll go and sit on the beach.”
So on top of being funny, beautiful, clever, caring, gorgeous, sexy and wonderful, she is also very wise.
Whatever did I do to deserve her?

RC 24-5-11

Store Wars?

Jared left a message on my ansaphone today. He called me a traitor for working at a rival supermarket, told me he would kill me if he ever saw me in the street, then asked me if I could get him a job as my assistant. Tit.
This has been a long and boring induction week so I am now going to get drunk and play strip scrabble.

Have a good weekend.

RC 20-5-11

Paging Dr Chesworth..

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Cruel, cruel world

One of my fish has died. I’m not sure which one, but I think it’s Riley. I’d just got over the shock of Gerald being poorly, and got used to the fact that he’s ok again, and I lose one of my other pets. Bloody hell.
Hannah says I’m upset because I’m feeling paternal and my over-reaction to the ill cat and the dead fish shows that I want to impregnate Philippa. I told her to shut up or I’d drown her, but she’s probably right.
The other fish look torn between dismay at the demise of their friend, and delight at the extra room in the tank.
What a pisser.
Still, at least my outgoings on fish food should drop by a third.

RC 18-5-11

Thrill-a-minute

Another exciting day in the world of Supermarket Management Induction Week.

The most interesting thing I learnt today is that the managers meeting room has a cupboard with eighteen different types of tea in it. So today I have sampled Earl Grey, Lapsang Souchong and something bland and sickly called ‘Energising White Tea’ which is a misnomer. The only part of me that it energised was my bladder.
Tomorrow I get introduced to all the store computer systems and learn my log-in ID and password. Lucky me. Thursday is a supermarket-specific first aid course., teaching me how to deal with medical emergencies that could arise in my job. Apart from trolley rage, drunkenness and pensioners slipping over because they’re shopping in their slippers, I’m not sure what those emergencies could be. Unless they’ll be teaching me how to deal with my own suicidal boredom…

RC 17-5-11

First day, thankfully over

I’m back at work then…
I hardly slept last night. Nerves, excitement, apprehension, panic, relief and uncertainty were all vying for my attention, and as a result I spent the early hours pacing, chewing my nails or sitting on the bog (and sometimes all three at once).
In the end, it was fine.
Graham, the ginger manager whose name I have been having trouble with, greeted me with enthusiasm and bad breath and said ’Now I have a team I can be proud of.’ Most of the day was spent drinking tea, chatting about ourselves and our ’journeys’ and ambling around the store meeting people and ’learning the layout.’ I’m aware that I am using a lot of speech marks, but that’s because most of what was said today seemed to be lifted from a ’cliché things to say in the workplace’ book.
I’ve noticed a big difference in the induction process when you’re joining management, rather than just the hoi-polloi of everyday employees. When I started at The Other Store, they rattled through everything quickly and got us into shelf-filling as soon as possible. Today, there seemed to be time to spare, and I’m not entirely sure that I learnt anything, apart from Ginger Graham’s life story and plans for the future.
Anyway, first day done-and-dusted, so I feel a bit better now.
Tomorrow I have to watch loads of videos about the history of the company and how I’m expected to fit into it, then I get to ‘shadow’ another manager for the afternoon.
I can barely contain my excitement.

RC 16-5-11

The wisdom of the owd folk

Mrs Custard (yes, really..) the lady from no. 12 round the corner, says she knows who kicked Gerald. She claims it was Toby, the 12-year-old boy with the curly hair who lives next door to her. I asked her if she was definite, if she’d seen it happen.
“I didn’t see it, but I know it was him” she said.
“How do you know?” I said.
“Because he’s a little shit”

RC 15-5-11

My poor wallet..

The vet says that Gerald was probably kicked! Some bastard has taken a swing at him in the street and caught him in the side.
He has a bruised hip joint that is affecting his spine. He is now on painkillers and some kind of anti-inflammatory stuff and is improving already. I had to pay for X-rays, an injection, a weeks worth of pills and an emergency appointment. Good job I start a new job on Monday or I would probably have had to sell him as horse meat.
The vet says I should be glad it was ‘a glancing blow’ because if they’d kicked him full on it could have ruptured his kidneys. What the Hell is wrong with people?

RC 12-5-11

My poor baby..

Gerald seems to be quite ill. He started limping on Tuesday, and this morning he’s hardly moving at all. It’s like his back is slowly stopping working. Poor little fecker. He hasn’t eaten since Tuesday.
Philippa has offered to take the morning off work so we can take him to the vet. Trouble is, he’s more likely to rip my arm off or bite my throat out than let me carry him into the surgery. He doesn’t like the vet, due to an incident in his youth involving anal glands and an unoiled glove. Don’t ever let anyone tell you cats have poor memories.

RC 12-5-11

On 10th May, a list..

Ten things that have happened since I wrote my last blog:

Philippa and I have made an appointment to see a tattooist. I’m still not sure this is a good idea, but she is very keen.
Sophie and Tamara have booked a few days off together, and they’re coming to see us at the end of the month ( the Bank Holiday weekend)
I got a puncture while cycling and had to walk three miles home.
I’ve had ‘The Fear’ about starting my new job. Optimism and enthusiasm have given way to negativity and panic, and I’m just trying to ride it out and let it pass.
The weather people have told us the hot, sunny weather may continue through to July. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!!
Ted’s son Simon fell off the roof of a car while celebrating Norwich City’s promotion, and broke his collar bone.
Ted came out in a rash after taking too many hay fever pills.
Philippa sent me a bunch of flowers and I killed them by forgetting to water them.
Nathan risked the wrath of his family by spending the night at ours. I can confirm right now that they DID NOT sleep in the same room.
Gerald the cat has developed a limp.

RC 10-5-11

FIVE HUNDREDTH BLOG!!!

A landmark day.
I got the job. I start a week on Monday. Thank you Tom for the glowing reference. You were as good as your word. The ginger-haired manager guy, whose name I still can’t remember even though I spoke to him a few hours ago, called me himself to offer me the position. As I’m ‘currently unattached’ work wise he said he wants me to start “asap”
He said lots of nice things while I tried to sound keen, but not too keen. There was something about ‘stand-out candidate’ mentioned, but I think I was the only person interviewed, so he wasn’t gonna butter me up that way. I told him I wanted 48 hours to consider, just to be a tease, then I called him back later to say yes.
I’ve never been a fan of work, and my last supermarket venture nearly destroyed me, but there’s a big difference now. I am in love, and I want to have money so I can do nice things with Philippa. And no amount of unpleasantness at work is going to over-shadow the great things I have to look forward to in my home life, and that makes taking the job a piece of piddle.
I now have 10 days of freedom to enjoy (and believe me - enjoy it I shall) then I do a weeks induction, a weeks training, and a weeks placement somewhere, and then I officially start as Trainee Assistant Manager of the Perishable Produce Department. Not exactly a tripper-off-the-tongue is it?
The mention of ‘home life’ brings me to another thing - Philippa and I have discussed moving in together. We’re not looking at the property pages, or saving for a deposit or any of that malarkey, we’ve just agreed that it’s bound to happen eventually, and we’re both happy with the concept of it happening sooner rather than later. So that’s that done.
I’m going to buy a car. The new supermarket is slightly further away than the old one, and not on a direct bus route, so having my own transport will help. It’ll also give me freedom and a new toy, and I should be able to afford one now, so I’ll soon be “Rory Chesworth - Car Owner” for the first time ever.
Norwich City, our local team, have won promotion to the Premier League. They say this is a big thing, but I wouldn’t know as I follow football about as readily as I’d follow a bus full of racists. Most of Ted’s family are Norwich fans, though, so there’s bound to be a big party soon to celebrate the promotion, and that can only be a good thing.
So to sum up - the nights are lighter, I have a job, both my sisters are happy, and I am more in love than I would have believed is possible.
Life, my friends, is as good as it has ever been.
And that’s 500 words, and that’s 500 blogs.

RC 6-5-11

Fashion non-sense

What IS Rachel Riley wearing on Countdown today?
She looks like one of those dolls old people have in their bathrooms to hide toilet rolls.

RC 2-5-11