Awake / Aware

Well, this latest little spell of insomnia shows no sign of slowing down. I think I was wide awake and full of thoughts constantly from 1.11 - 3.14am. It's annoying that there is very little darkness at this time of year, and yet I seem to be awake every night to experience it. Maybe that's part of the problem - my body is reacting to the fact that it's daylight for 18 hours a day and is trying to get me to stay up and make use of it all. Caveman circadian rhythms, and all that.
I actually think, though, that this time around the insomnia is coming from a place of positivity, rather than a place of discomfort. I'm not being kept awake fearful and fretting, I'm lying there in bed feeling excited and optimistic about things. My sons are both doing well, I'm really enjoying work now it's busy again, and Philippa is slowly instigating career changes for her that have put a spring in her step and a huge smile on her face. Why wouldn't I be happy with all that? And why wouldn't my subconscious want to keep me active for more hours when there are nice thoughts for it to think and nice events for it to look forward to? If the day ahead is one that I'm anticipating happily, is it any wonder that I'm finding it hard to switch off and rest properly? Rather than a return to depressive thought patterns and worries, this time around it could be that I genuinely can't wait for the day to arrive and get started and getting a decent sleep seems like it would get in the way of that or delay it somehow. Maybe every day for me is a bit like Christmas Eve now, in that way.
Jesus, I'm so sorry for mentioning Christmas in the first week of June... But as Beryl pointed out to me on the phone this week, "Longest day is very soon, then it starts getting darker, and then we'll change the clocks. Christmas will be here before you know it..."

RC 7-6-23