Everything Feels Strange

More people about again today. The slow return to some kind of normality seems to be gathering pace. I’m seeing customers I haven’t seen for three months, the footfall through the pay booth seems to be how you might expect under ‘normal circumstances’ and barely a minute goes by without a car pulling onto the forecourt.

I have to admit that I am not feeling altogether comfortable with it all. Part of me thinks this is all happening a bit too quickly, and we may end up regretting the urge to be out so suddenly, but it’s more personal than that, I think. The truth is – I have really enjoyed leading a quieter, slower, less stressful life. My workload hasn’t really diminished, but it has felt less pressured. The first three weeks or so of lockdown were like a 24/7 mind-melt as we all tried to catch up with what the Hell was going on, but since then my routine has been manageable, relaxed and almost enjoyable. Back in February, I spent huge amounts of time in pointless meetings, compiling pointless reports or dealing with pointlessly angry customers. Most of June has been spent in happier, more productive tasks. I think my fear now is twofold. Firstly, I am scared of going back to that horrible daily grind of Those Above Me asking for information, and a constant flow of customers demanding the Earth. Secondly, and perhaps more strongly, I am scared of the alternative to that – the fact that we may be heading into another new paradigm, with another new way of working to get used to. I have carved out a really nice method of management since March, and I’d really like to continue using it, but unfortunately it only really fits in with The Lockdown Life. Now, I may have to turn my back on it and find yet another new routine, one that is part-past and part-present and part-improvisation. I’m just not sure I have another adaptation in me so soon after the last one.

Maybe I’m being selfish and overreacting. Maybe I’m just tired and have a touch of the Monday Blues and all this will feel unimportant tomorrow. But sitting here today, with everything outside the window looking dangerously as if the virus doesn’t exist anymore, I am feeling very uncomfortable.

RC 29-6-20