(End of) August haiku

It's the time of year
when Norfolk people will say
"Nights are pulling in"

RC 31-8-11

Bank Holiday Selection Box

I had today as a bonus day off, as I’d worked both Saturday and Sunday of the bank holiday weekend. Yet another perk of management. Philippa, bless her, had to go back to work, so it was a lay-in for me followed by a day of happy pottering. Below are some little things I wrote down at different points during the day:

Football is like dust -
it’s always on the telly
and I don’t like it

I popped to our local shop for some milk. Because I get a reduction on all goods bought at the supermarket I haven’t been in there for ages but I’d run out of milk and fancied a coffee, so off I went. The guy who sorts the papers was on fine form. Bemoaning the fact that he had to work all weekend, he ranted “Bank holiday? Bank holiday? EVERY day is a ****ing holiday for the banks. They’re off on ****ing holiday with all the money they stole from us taxpayers.” As they say in the movies - classic frontier gibberish.

I had some Cornish Wafers left in the cupboard and decided to do a little taste test. I covered each of them in a different topping, and had to write a review of the experience using just three words for each one. Here they are:
SLICED MEDIUM CHEDDAR - crunchy and cheesy
MARMITE - a bit dull
PEANUT BUTTER - TASTE OF HEAVEN!!

I accidentally called Ted ‘Teddy’ today. He said if I ever called him that again, he would suddenly remember all the stuff he was taught in the Army, and show me how they used to deal with opponents in the trenches.
I’m not sure he ever actually fought in the trenches, but I certainly got the message.

Note to self - next time I buy a vehicle, I need to check how long the tax disc has to run..

RC 30-8-11

Bummer Holiday

We spent the afternoon with Ted and Beryl. They had an awful time on their holiday. The hotel (in Bournemouth) had taken in a late group booking from Gamblers Anonymous which filled their top three floors, so Ted and Beryl and two other couples got shunted to a smaller place further down the seafront. That place was run by a woman whose husband had recently left her for a pole-dancer, and she was struggling to cope and kept bursting into tears. On their second day there they went on a bus trip, and the bus broke down spectacularly, causing a huge blockage on a main road, and filling the bus itself with exhaust fumes. Later in the week, Ted fell into a bunker playing golf and twisted his ankle, and Beryl lost her glasses in a bingo hall. She is convinced she missed out on ten thousand pounds because “I thought I was waiting for a number 6, but then someone pointed out it was the number 8, and I’m sure that had been called already.“ All in all, a very disappointing way to spend your first holiday in over a decade.
Or so you would think…..
But in true Beryl style, she smiled through it all and told me “It was nice to be away. And it means so much that Teddy put the effort in to organise it.”
I’d never heard her call him Teddy before, and he actually blushed a bit when she said it.
They really are a lovely old couple. I look at them and I feel inspired about relationships. I look at them and I think “If me and Philippa can end up half as happy as those two, then we’re going to have a wonderful future together”.

RC 29-8-11

Sunshine, lollipops and...?

There’s been a lot of ‘creative blogging’ (as I like to call it) this week, and while I’m sure I have thrilled you with my poetic abilities, I have also neglected to keep you up-to-date with other things going on in my life.
Well that’s because there hasn’t been much really. Philippa and I have settled down into a nice sense of regularity and domestic happiness. She stays here three or four nights a week, and we’re looking forward to getting a place together, but we’re also realistic about the current financial climate and we’re not gonna saddle ourselves with a mortgage just so we can have a place to call ‘our own.’ Plus, Hannah and Nathan are making plans to co-habit, so if she moves out Philippa can move in and that’s the job done.
Work is, how can I put this… ok. As you may have noticed, I get to spend quite a bit of time on my own in the office. The hours change every week, but that’s more than compensated for by the fact that I’m earning more than ever before as I’m on Deputy Manager wages. I’ve already been spoken to about doing more courses and training up to be a Department Manager, then maybe a Shift Manager, than maybe - hold me while I shiver with excitement - a Store Manager. I’m not sure I’ve got those in the correct order, and I’m definitely not sure that’s a career path I want to chase anyway, but its nice to know they’re pleased with what I’ve done so far.
The LoveMachine is about as reliable as a drunk working in an off licence, but she’s mine, and I love her dearly. I’ve already been offered fifty quid more than I paid for her, but I’m keeping her now, unless someone wants to swap her for a brand new Mini Cooper? (isn’t it funny how quickly an inanimate object like a car becomes a ‘she’ rather than an ‘it’?)
Apart from that, life continues to tick along quite uneventfully, which believe me is better than the chaos I used to exist in.
I hope you are having a good week too, and I look forward to sharing more of my life with you tomorrow.

Yours faithfully

Rory

RC 27-8-11

My stupid cat (a poem)

Gerald today decided
to try and fulfill his wish.
He tried to get his feline teeth
into my pet goldfish.

He thought that he could break their tank,
without much fight or fussin’
He dived headfirst against the glass,
and now he has concussion.

RC 26-8-11

The things we do to pass time while bored...

Today, while ‘working in the office’ I decided to write a poem.
But obviously, being me, it couldn’t just be a simple poem.
There had to be a challenge.
And that challenge was this:
The first and last words of each line had to be the same, and each line had to start with a letter that was later in the alphabet than the one that started the line before it.
And it had to be about a random word that I got by dropping a dictionary on the floor and sticking my finger in it with my eyes closed.
And that word was SHRIMP.
This is what I came up with:

Blowing through the waves while above the wind is blowing.
Knowing things of mermaids that ourselves could not be knowing.
Love does not concern them, though there are things that they love.

Nothing is as tasty, though they really taste of nothing.
Often they’re forgotten, though most people eat them often.
Perfect packs of protein, like a prawn, and yet more perfect.

Sweet as honey, sugar; better for you than a sweet
Treat yourself and try them, they’re a sub-aquatic treat.
While others munch on mutton, I shall taste their wares a while.

If anyone from the Shrimp Marketing Board is reading this, and you’d like to use the poem for advertising purposes, then feel free to call me and negotiate…

RC 25-8-11

MASQUERADE

Ok, Philippa was right. When I wrote down everything I was thinking about, it made me look like a nutcase. But I think it would be that way with anyone who wrote down all their thoughts - try it for an hour and you’ll see what I mean.
So instead of the planned list of all my thoughts from one shift at work, here instead are 10 RANDOM THINGS I FOUND OUT ONLINE WHILE PRETENDING TO PUT THROUGH A DELIVERY ORDER: (not the snappiest title ever for one of my lists, I grant you..)

There is a place in India called MANGALAMPET. (It has instantly gone to the top of my ‘favourite place names in the world’ list.)

You can get your recommended daily allowance of Folic Acid by eating 10 spears of ASPARAGUS

The top speed hit by SPRINTER Usain Bolt in winning the 100m at the last Olympics was just under 28mph (which, coincidentally, is roughly the top speed my LoveMachine can reach)

The coloured squares on a standard Rubiks Cube can be arranged in approximately 43 QUINTILLION different permutations.

URTICARIA is the medical name for ‘hives’

The highest temperature EVER recorded in the UK is 38.5C, at Brogdale in Kent on 10th August 2003.

The dying words of American President Theodore ROOSEVELT were “Please put out the light”

The collective noun for a group of widows is an AMBUSH

The Rat Pack singer DEAN Martin died on Christmas Day (in 1995)

‘Mi amas vin’ is ‘I love you’ in ESPERANTO

…and as a bonus fact - if you take the first letter of each of the words in capitals above, it spells out the title of today’s blog.

Sleep well.
　
RC 24-8-11

Does this dress make me look mad?

Philippa says my mind is weird and that I think of some really strange things at times.
This is only because we were cuddling in bed falling asleep and I asked her ‘can you think of another word that had three sets of repeated consonants like IMMUNOSUPPRESSIVE?’
She slowly and wearily got out of bed and questioned my sanity.
But what had happened was this - my mind wanders around a bit when I’m drifting off to sleep, and Philippa had cuddled up really close and I was resting my face on her hair. That reminded me of a time an ex-girlfriend dyed her hair blonde with peroxide and it stank. That made me think of an article I read recently about Ergosterol Peroxide, a steroid derivate from fungi that might be useful as an antiviral, antitumor and anti-inflammatory ingredient, as well as displaying immunosuppressive properties. And then I pictured the word IMMUNOSUPPRESSIVE in my head and I thought ‘wow - there’s a twin-set of Ms, and a twin-set of P’s and a twin-set of S’s in there’ and I wondered if there were any other English words like that and I couldn’t think of any, so I asked Philippa, and she went off to sleep on the sofa. To me, though, my thoughts displayed a logical progression, and I was fully justified to ask her the question I did.
This morning, at breakfast, she wondered just how much crap I think about in the course of a day, so tomorrow I’m going to write down everything I think about while at work and see what it’s like. I'm hoping it’ll make me look like a deep-thinking intellectual genius; Philippa thinks it’ll make me look like a lunatic.

RC 23-8-11

just a couple of things..

Everyone is jealous of the LoveMachine. Every time I park it somewhere, someone comes over to have a good look and ask questions, and all the time I’m driving people are pointing and talking as I pass. Which is a bit embarrassing really, as I’m still getting used to driving it, and frequently stall at junctions.
Apparently they’re highly saught-after. (or is it spelt ‘sought’?? either way..)
I’ve been called a ‘jammy bastard’ for spotting one on the side of the road before it was even advertised. I just smiled and said “It was meant to be.”

An elderly guy on my team at work has a brilliant claim to fame - he was once a contestant on BULLSEYE!! I am very, very impressed. I asked if he won a holiday or a speedboat and he said ‘No, we were shit. Went out in the first round. My mate couldn’t throw for toffee on the night and I was so nervous I answered every question with ‘Cher’”
Legend.

RC 19-8-11

on the box (a thought)

Is 'POINTLESS' the most appropriately named TV programme ever????????

My week in words (17 at a time)

Summer has been poo
And to make things even worse
Now I have a cold.

And just like last year
Summer can be summed up thus:
Absolute pig-shit

England is too wet.
I must move somewhere hotter
Or risk suicide.

Turgid clouds above.
Riots pollute our cities
And health deserts me.

My friendly GP
Says ‘it’s just a summer cold’
But I feel like Death

Antibiotics
Are no cure for ugliness
Or MRSA.

Sometimes my haiku
Fill me with a sense of shame
And embarrassment

Poetry is death
Hatred is a form of love
Life is just dreaming

I’m delirious
I have a temperature
And I’m writing shite

Time for me to sleep
The curtains of dark must draw
Upon my sore eyes….

RC 13-8-11

Looking forwards..

I’ve booked a holiday off work. In fact, I’ve booked two. I know I haven’t been there long enough to warrant a break yet, but I’m sick of being in a country where August looks the same as October and I want to guarantee myself some sunshine. So in February next year, as a Valentine’s Day treat for Philippa, we’ll be spending a week somewhere very hot and foreign, which for now will remain a secret. (And doesn’t it tell you a lot about our relationship, and how it’s changed me, that I am assuming we’ll still be together in 6 months time??)
The other holiday time I’ve booked is the week after Christmas. It’s so busy early in December that I doubt they’d let me have time off before the 25th. Plus, Philippa tends to have to work up to and including Christmas Eve anyway. Plus, Sophie and Tamara haven’t managed to find jobs in Norfolk, but they are able to have time off to visit together between Christmas and New Year, so they’re coming to stay with us and have some good family time. (And doesn’t it tell you everything about our Summer, and how shit it has been, that I am already looking forward to Christmas??)

RC 12-8-11

eavesdroppings

You know sometimes when you sit on your own in a crowded place, and you pick up odd bits of conversation from different tables? Have you ever wondered what it would look like if you wrote down all the little snippets that you heard? Well I have, and today I did it, while sitting in the café at work. Here you go:
..the vet said he shouldn’t suffer too much..
..but I can’t believe the price has gone up again..
..brie and cranberry?..
..it’s only 4 miles for Christ’s sake..
..over the bridge, but the next day - well I don’t know where to begin..
..ham and cheese mum..
..the wind’s got up again..
..see you soon Jack..
..next week I’m walking..
..FORTY-EIGHT???

RC 10-8-11

New day, almost the same title (again)

I had a day off today, so I took a trip out in the rusty-green-love-machine. What a fine girl she is. The wind nearly blew me off the cliff near West Runton, but that’s natures fault, not Volkswagens. Apart from that she handled like a dream. God, I’m enjoying this freedom of movement already. I can plan to go anywhere, anytime I like, or I can just do what I did today and take myself off on a whim. I used about forty quids worth of petrol, but I’ll worry about that at the end of the month when the credit card bill shows up.
On the way home, I perused some charity shops and got myself some cheap second hand golf clubs and a ‘Teach Yourself To Putt’ DVD. Retail therapy is a wonderful thing. (there was a DVD called ‘Teach Yourself To Swing’ as well, but I was worried it might be a guide to middle-aged dogging, so I left it)
Ted and I had a couple of hours together playing cards in their conservatory. He amazed me by saying he’s arranged a surprise holiday for Beryl’s birthday later this month. It’s their first trip away in 14 years because, as he told me, ‘I was spending all our money on piss and gambling.’
This evening I cooked Philippa tea, and we had a lovely evening together chatting about nothing.
Today was a good day.

RC 8-8-11

New day, new outlook..

Camper worked fine today, I called the bloke up to have a go at him, but his son answered. I calmly explained the problem and he said “Oh she was always doing that. Dad should have told you. Just pump the throttle twice before you turn the ignition and she’ll start fine. She’s a grumpy old bitch, but she’ll get you there if you treat her right.”
I tried it, it worked, and I am once again happy, and proud of my purchase.
Philippa still refuses to get in it though…
Maybe I should apply the advice I was given about the camper van to Philippa, right chaps?????

RC 7-8-11

New day, old story..

I got up full of excitement today, looking forward to be driving myself to work for the first time ever. I got ready in record time, eager to get out on the road and ready to laugh at the poor saps queuing up to get public transport. I picked up my keys, strolled proudly out to my little green love machine, and with excitedly shaking fingers I pushed the key into the ignition….. and the pissing thing wouldn’t start.
I’ve spent most of today angry and upset, but rather than pour it all out in a stream of emotion, I shall sum it all up with this haiku:

Why do I bother?
Whenever I buy new things
they kick my teeth in

RC 6-8-11

Midsummer madness

I’ve bought a camper van!!!
It’s a green volkswagen that’s done 147,000 miles and is covered in rust, but I don’t care. A man’s choice of vehicle should reflect his character, and the second I saw this one I knew I wanted it.
It was one of those moments in life when everything seems to fall into place. I was sitting on the bus, fed up with breathing in diesel fumes with a sweaty overweight pensioner beside me, and thought ‘that’s it - I’m buying a car.’ At that point I happened to glance out of the window, and there was the VW for sale on the side of the road.
I cycled there yesterday to take it for a test drive, and got the money out to buy it this morning. I got them to knock fifty quid off the asking price, but he still started laughing the second I handed the cash over.
I drove it straight to Philippa’s work, and rushed in to tell her the news. She came outside with an excited, expectant expression, took one look at it and said “you’re a f**king idiot.” Then she walked back into the office.
She’ll come round to love it, I know she will. Especially when I show her how the back converts into a double bed so we can take it to the beach and sleep in it.
And even if she doesn’t, and even if I paid too much for it, and even if other people think it’s a rusty pile of shit that needs condemning, I don’t care. I own my first car, and I’m thrilled to bits. I can drive myself to work, Philippa and I can take turns driving when we go out, and my life is no longer restricted to the generosity of others, or the awful timetables put together by local coach companies. I have freedom…. Freedom…. FREEDOM!!!!

RC 5-8-11

August Haiku

Been raining again.
It's cold, windy, dull and wet.
What a shit Summer.

RC 4-8-11