Friday, 9 August 2024

Questions I'm too tired to ask

The last time I felt this uncertain about my personal life was probably when I was at college and confused.
Philippa is going to 'stay with friends' next weekend, and I think any man would find that terminology worrying, regardless of their age, relationship status or state of their current homelife. We've hardly held hands in weeks, we've barely spoken in days, and last night I was given a cold 'I've arranged this without you' and no chance to ask any questions. It may be a perfectly innocent, pre-arranged trip that I had forgotten about (let's be honest - that is well within my scope of behaviour!) or it may just be a need for space away from a house full of boys, but it feels like an unnerving escalation of the problems between us and I really don't know how to react. I want to stamp my feet and get angry about it, I want to demand an explanation, and I also want to have a grown-up conversation about it and get a definite answer on things. But I also want to respect her needs and her wishes and let her find her own way through this difficult time.
And also, to be honest - more worryingly and more selfishly - I'm looking forward to not being near her for a few days. Which is a really horrible feeling.
That may just be a reaction to what she has planned, or it may just be me wanting to avoid the strained situation (rather than my wife herself) but it still feels horrible to admit.

RC 9-8-24

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