Some reflections on being 40

I really didn't want to do this sort of blog at any point this month, but as those of you who are now on the dark side of 40 will know, reaching this age does do some strange things to your psyche, even when you try very, very hard to be unaffected. So I have found myself being reflective, and contemplative, and thoughtful, and also projecting ahead to what the next decade, and beyond, might bring to The World of The Rory.
I guess my first conclusion would be that I am genuinely, genuinely happy with how things are for me at the moment. I may have taken myself down some very ill-advised cul-de-sacs in the past, but I have ended up living somewhere I feel very contented, married to a woman I love wholeheartedly, and working at a job where I finally feel worthwhile, appreciated, comfortable and content. How many 'middle-aged' people can say similar? So I am fully appreciative of the position I am in and realise that I might be unusually settled compared to some of my peers and contemporaries. I don't do the whole 'comparison' thing, by the way, this is just me acknowledging that I have a lot to be thankful for, and others of my ilk may not be in that same state, which makes me enjoy it all the more.
My second realisation is that I am SO glad to be a decade removed from my 20s. There was some weird shit that went down, and some even weirder shit that happened in my head, while I was 'finding my way' post-University. In my early 30s, looking back would lead to feelings of embarrassment, shudders of shame, and frequent thoughts of 'WHAT WAS I THINKING?' Now, with the passing of time, I can recollect these things almost as an older relative, and can be understanding and forgiving of myself (and others that were involved) instead of wanting to punish myself for my stupidity, or worrying that I might repeat the same mistakes and misadventures. I can accept that I was a confused, anxious, barely-out-of-his-teens, inexperienced wanderer along the pathway of life and I took a few missteps along the way while learning. And that's okay. The more people I speak to, the more I realise that very, very few of us have a clue what we're doing at that age; and that's true whatever your background or whatever you spend your time doing. University graduates with stellar grades are just as inept at dealing with adult life as an unemployed 24-year-old with autism. We all struggle into adulthood, and it's only now that I can realise that, and to realise that that is ok! 
I'm trying very hard not to say 'I've grown up' but I think there is a level of wisdom that you only acquire through certain encounters and experiences and can only realise you have reached when you can distance yourself emotionally from who you used to be. I look back at my younger days now, not as a scalding teacher or a judgemental priest, but as a loving friend and a caring companion. Mentally, I can place an arm around the shoulder of my younger self, rather than want to slap them for being who they are. That's a real change, and has made a huge difference to my self-esteem, and the way I am with others, whatever age they may be. And I feel I've only reached that point by doing the things I have done since turning 30 - career choices, living arrangements, marriage, etc - that took me away from the way I used to be, and used to think. I embraced the changes within myself that the external changes brought, and have benefitted from them immensely.
And the biggest change in there, of course, and the one that REALLY had the effect on me that changed the way I view things, was Philippa and I becoming parents.
Which brings me to my last big conclusion - if I achieve nothing else in my life; if I am already past the midway point of my existence and am now just gradually heading towards inevitable expiration; then at least I have created two wonderful, amazing humans that will hopefully enjoy their lives and brighten the lives of others. Parenthood is, simply and inadequately put, the most important, most rewarding, most exciting, most emotional, most incredible, most humbling and most satisfying thing I have ever done in my 40 years of life, and it has made me better, more complete and less selfish. And I reap the rewards every day. I have an eternal, unbreakable bond with my wife because we created these beings together, and they have settled my soul and made me realise my purpose. I exist to raise them in the best way I can; to protect them, guide them and nurture them. And that is a privilege I shall never, ever take lightly or take for granted.

RC 24-1-24