Screened

My life seems to be taking place on the other side of a weird filter. You know hay fever makes you feel like you’re breathing through a mask? That’s how my head is right now. I’m thinking that maybe this is what happens when you’re not getting enough sleep, or just an after-effect of the general build-up of everything that happens with a baby and everything it means to be a parent. Normally I love the Summer and I enjoy cycling, walking, sitting in the garden and visiting new locations. None of that is really happening this year because of Mathew. I’m not resentful of that, or regretting being a dad, but my mind and body seem to be struggling to keep up with the changes. Part of me is thinking “I should be doing EXACTLY what I’ve done In Summer for the past ten years” and that’s making me feel unsettled. I don’t WANT to be doing the same old stuff again, but the muscle memories are trying to drag me that way and it’s hard to resist, and when I do it feels weird. I think this is a year where I have to be getting used to the new situations, and just going with it. Next year, it’ll all feel familiar because I’ve been through it once before, whereas this year it’s all new, and scary, and I feel inexperienced and unable to cope.

RC 6-8-19