Mood linked to surroundings

It rained today. Almost continuously. I had plans to build up my cycling regime and maybe spend some time in the garden, but no. The Gods of Suffolk Life deemed fit to shit on my dreams again and confine me indoors like a prisoner.

Philippa says I can’t complain. She says that weather forecasting is now as accurate as it’s ever been, and if I decide to ignore the warnings and expect the best then that’s my fault and I can’t rail against Nature. She said, rather sarcastically I feel, “If only there was some kind of app on your phone that showed you very clearly what the weather would be. Why hasn’t someone invented one yet, I wonder?”

I punished her by staying in her presence and giving her another hour of my mood.

I then spent the rest of the morning blindly hoping against hope that the weather would change and I’d still be able to play outside, but no. Thankfully, Mathew was on hand and able to drag me out of my self-induced self-pity and remind me that there are good things in my life and that The Forces of The World are not conspiring against me.

I wonder if he’ll be this useful when he can talk? Right now I can read his expressions and interpret them how I feel, so in my mind he sees me as a fun, caring, talented father. When we get to the stage that he can vocalise his inner feelings I might be in trouble. My illusions might be shattered. These times when he can lift my spirits with a gurgle and a grin might give way to even more pain as he reacts to my approaches with disdain. How long have I got before the reality of our relationship is thrown in my face and I consider it less painful if I simply withdraw from interaction with him instead of setting myself up for emotional rejection?

God, I wish it was sunny.

RC 9-4-19