Parental list

NINE THINGS I’VE LEARNT SO FAR AS A FATHER:

No matter what your child is taking in, the contents of his nappy will look like a melted Feast mixed in with a melted Solero.

Babies can’t tell – and don’t care – whether it’s night or day.

When women see you with a newborn, they automatically smile.

When men see you with a newborn, they steer their girlfriends away from you.

Babies refuse to keep their legs still while you’re trying to change their nappy.

That bit around the belly button where they clip the umbilical cord and wait for it to die, scab and fall off is disturbing, disgusting and terrifying.

Babies screams are louder and higher in pitch during times when you’re trying to sleep.

It’s impossible for them to keep their eyes open while feeding.

Breast is best.

RC 18-1-19