Sombre solution

For the first time in all the time I’ve known them, Ted and Beryl look old. 
I suppose it’s because we haven’t been meeting up with them so often - we’re seeing them change in alarming chunks rather than seeing it as a gradual change.  Not having parents around to worry about or care about, I’m not used to the shock of watching those you love start to age and look mortal. The unstoppable slog towards death is something I think about a lot, but only in regards to myself. I’m not used to having to face up to the shock of realising that people I’m fond of are going to deteriorate and die. It’s not nice, and it’s made me very melancholy all day today. Not going into details, but I’ve mulled it over a lot and I think the best decision is to kill myself when I’m about 50. Then I’ll have enjoyed the best parts of life and done everything I’ve wanted to, without having to go through the trauma of seeing Philippa fall apart over the next few decades. I can’t imagine anything worse than being by someone’s side while they make their descent into decrepitude, so this new plan of mine gets me out of that. Makes me sound morbid and depressed, I’m sure, but making the decision to end it at 50 took all that shit out of my head and made me start to feel a lot better, so in that way this trail of thought was a good thing.
And I’ll still be around for 16 years yet, so don’t start weeping and ordering mourning suits. 

RC 11-2-18