Archery: bows and arrows
Athletics: running and jumping
Badminton: tennis without bounces
Basketball: Gold for America
Boxing: people punching people
Canoeing: legless furious paddling
Cycling: Paper-round without papers
Diving: falling into water
Equestrian: toffs on horseback
Fencing: swordfighting without bloodshed
Football: millionaires falling over
Golf: millionaires catching zika
Gymnastics: mutant contortionists flipping
Handball: incomprehensible office game
Hockey: rioting with sticks
Judo: MMA for softies
Modern Pentathlon: haven’t gotta clue
Rowing: people canoeing backwards
Rugby Sevens: wrestling with running
Sailing: toffs in boats
Shooting: gunning for gold
Swimming: one-directional competitive doggy-paddle
Synchronised Swimming: totally ****ing pointless
Table Tennis: supersonic semaphore flagwaving
Taekwondo: transformers playing judo
Tennis: middle-class sideways shuffling
Triathlon: swimming; cycling; running
Volleyball: crap unless beach
Water Polo: toffs in water
Weightlifting: steroids and hernias
Wrestling: legalised oily groping
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