At last - Spring!!

The last day of March, and we finally have the Spring day we’ve been craving for weeks!
Got home from work tonight and sat in the garden for a while with a glass of wine. Both the wine and the weather were delicious. Philippa came in a bit later peeved at me for not cooking but even that didn’t bother my mood. 
Where the Hell did March go, by the way? It’s always been my favourite month but  I don’t feel like I’ve had a chance to enjoy any of it. I seem to have blinked twice, and it’s gone. 
Ah well, into April we go!

RC 31-3-16

Comedy gold

I’d made this joke up before I even got out of bed this morning:

ME: Knock, knock

PHILIPPA: Who’s there?

ME: Wi-Fi

PHILIPPA: Wi-Fi who?

ME: Wife, I need a cup of tea, so get your arse out of bed and get the kettle on.

Philippa didn’t find it funny.

RC 30-3-16

An open letter (to Heaven)

Dear God

I’ve had a really lovely weekend. It’s great that we have the anniversary of your son’s crucifixion as an excuse for an annual celebration. If we hadn’t killed him 2000 years ago I wouldn’t have just had four days off work. Personally I’d love to have a few more long Bank Holiday weekends, so if you have any other children you’d like to send our way, please feel free.

Best wishes

Rory

RC 28-3-16

My hatred for the Press grows stronger..

In the newspaper this week there was an article about ‘a terrific side effect of global warming.’ It reported that due to the changing climate in France, conditions were now perfect for the growth and ripening of the grapes used to create some of the most popular French wines. This is, according to the tone of the article, a bloody good thing.
Yeah - great.
We’re all going to get skin cancer and lose our houses to flooding, but at least we can have a nice glass of Bordeaux while we watch the rising seas engulf our homes and wash away our possessions.
Get a real job, journo-arseholes. 

RC 26-3-16

Happy Easter

Well here we are at another Bank Holiday weekend! And what’s the greatest part of it all? I don’t have to go into work again until Tuesday! Oh yeah; oh yes; whoop-whoop-whoop, etc. After years of HAVING to go in on normal pay because employers who choose to be constantly open insist on screwing their staff with contracts that say they HAVE to work Easter like any other day, I am able to leave my job behind me for 96 hours. That sentence may have been too long and may not have made much sense, but I don’t care. Nothing could drag me down on this great day of days. This is the closest I’ve ever got to that wonderful feeling I used to get at school sometimes - when it’s the last day of term and you know your daytimes are your own for the next couple of weeks. 
I intend to spend my time wisely and watch lots of films, drink lots of wine, and spend as much time in bed with my wife as possible. 
Happy Easter, all..

RC 24-3-16

WARNING - this will be surreal...

I may have come across as a bit of a lazy blogger over the past week or so. That’s because something weird was happening with my computer (I really think it’s time for an upgrade…) so posts I thought were being posted weren’t actually being posted at all. So to help you catch up a bit, here’s two from last week that I thought you’d already read, but won’t have.

Thurs 17th - “Reason I love working with the public, no. 271”

This didn’t help my mood today:
An exchange between myself and a fat lady customer. (at about 11.19am)
ME: That’ll be twenty-seven pounds fifty please.
SHE: You really should have a few pence off the price of unleaded today.
ME: Why’s that madam?
SHE: Because it’s St Patrick’s Day.
A pause…
ME: Could you explain the logic behind that, please madam?
SHE: God, isn’t it obvious? It’s Ireland’s National Day so everyone is celebrating everything GREEN. Unleaded petrol was always called ‘green’ fuel because it’s better for the environment. So you should be knocking the price down and putting a smile on everyone’s face.
ME: Well maybe I’d do that if we were in Ireland.
SHE: No wonder this company’s falling to pieces.

Fri 18th - “Take me to my happy place”

Got into it with a customer again today. This time it’s because George Osbourne didn’t take 25p a litre off fuel duty. I calmly (and with not a hint of sarcasm in my voice) explained that I am not an advisor to the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and that therefore it was rather unfair to be blaming me for the particulars in the Budget. He called me a fascist and asked for a token for the car wash. 

RC 21-3-16

Solo skins

I’m getting into my drumming in a big way again. I don’t know what it is that has been making me so grumpy, angry and pessimistic recently, but smashing the Hell out of my drumkit for a couple of hours a night is really helping to lift it.  Philippa likes it because it stops me moaning at her as soon as she comes in from work, and it gives her time to enjoy herself doing whatever she wants to do without me under her feet. “The incessant dull thumping coming through the side of the house is a small price to pay” she says. I’ve moved the kit as far as possible from the wall connecting to the house, and she goes and sits in the front room, giving us three rooms worth of separation, so I don’t disturb her too much. 
I still think it would be fun to play alongside other musicians, but I still lack the confidence to do so, so there we are, I’m stuck in a loop of lonely bashing for now. God that sounds dodgy……

RC 16-3-16

Something we can all learn from

I received a text message while at work today that I’m pretty sure was sent to the wrong number. It said “This bus journey is making me really wet. I hope you’ll be waiting for me when I get home…”
I had a bit of a dilemma about how to respond. Should I reply with “Sorry, but I think you’ve typed in the wrong mobile number”? Or would that be embarrassing for them? Or would it be MORE embarrassing for them to get home to a confused partner who never received the message they were supposed to get? And wouldn’t it be better to let them find out their own mistake, rather than engage with them? Wouldn’t I be running the risk of them seeing me as an actual person, rather than just a faceless entity out in the ether somewhere? (and after the nature of the first message, who knows where that might lead next?)
What I really wanted to do was text back with “No I won’t be waiting for you. I’m too busy with your sister.” 
In the end I just ignored it. 

RC 14-3-16

Sunday the Thirteenth

I cycled so far today I think my legs may have seized up forever. 
I was up and about early and popped outside to hang some washing out. There was a cool wind but it was beautifully sunny so I decided to shake off the shackles of Winter and feel the wind in my hair. I took Philippa a cup of tea in bed and told her “Don’t make any plans for me this morning coz I’m off riding and I won’t be back til lunchtime.”
And off I went.
And now I can’t move anything below my waist.
This is becoming an annual event for me - the over-doing-it-physically-after-months-of-inactivity Festival of Roryness.  Usually falling sometime between St David’s Day and Easter Sunday, and usually triggered by a couple of days of good weather after a period of rain.
Some men learn from their mistakes while others go on doing the same old silly things over and over again. Just call me Mr Repetitive. 
I don’t think I’ll be able get off the sofa anytime soon so if someone could pop round and cover me with a blanket for the night, I‘d be grateful. 

RC 13-3-16

Fri-ku (11th March edition)

We’re going out soon
For an evening of bingo
Am I that old now?

A cold Village Hall
Pensioners and single mums
Not my ideal night

Such a bad loser
If I don’t win at least once
I’ll burn the Hall down

RC 11-3-16

business pitch

I may turn the contents of our garage into a therapy centre for people with SAD and anger problems. Two hours on the drumkit last night changed my mood considerably. I bounced back into the house with an aura of unshakable happiness and I’m delighted to say it’s continued throughout today. Winter may be eating into my bones with its chilly touch and its depressive whispers, but it IS March now, and it’s only a fortnight or so until BST, and the US Masters will be on shortly after that, so there’ll be a big all-day golf-watching Sunday at Ted and Beryl’s. So there are things to look forward to. I just need to remember to stick my head up above the level of ‘bored and buried under darkness’ every so often and notice the good things around me. 

RC 10-3-16

Winter March-es on

Rain today. Made a change from snow and sleet I suppose. I was cheering myself up nicely last night as the longer-term forecast on the weather website I use said it might be 14Celsius by Sunday! Then I woke up this morning and they’d change their minds… It’s staying wet and cool for at least another week. 
I’m sick of it (in case you hadn’t noticed)
So let’s change the subject.
I think I’m going to ask the Bannermans if we’re allowed to redecorate. It looks unlikely that they’ll be coming back, so I don’t think we’ll be pissing them off too much with our choice of colours, or lowering the sale value of the house at all. I can’t go outside to go cycling or work on the garden, so I may as well spend the time stuck indoors doing something productive and worthwhile. God, that was a sort-of-sideways dig at the weather again, wasn’t it?
I’m going to give up on trying to distract myself with bullshit positivity and go and take it all out on my drums. 

RC 9-3-16

moaning again

It snowed yesterday.
Now I love snow, but I like to have it December, when it’s seasonal, not in fricking MARCH when it should be cycling weather. 
So I was in a bad mood before I even left the house.
Then I had to deal with people queuing up to buy petrol, because they had woken up to a light snowfall and panicked that we’d get snowed in completely and there’d be no way to get a fuel refill in the next few days. One woman rolled in with her Suzuki 4x4 and bought THREE POUNDS worth of diesel. Normally I’d take the money happily and let the stupid aspect of the behaviour past, but I was moody today and gunning for a fight. So I reacted..
“Three pounds madam? Car must have been pretty full already.”
“Yes I filled up on Saturday, but you can’t be too careful in this weather.”
“What weather is that madam?”
“Haven’t you looked outside. It’s SNOWING.”
“Yeah, but it’s only going to be a few millimetres. The grounds wet so it won’t settle anyway. What exactly are you expecting to happen?”
“It might not settle here, but the rest of the country might be bad. And it might reach us later. If the roads are bad, you won’t get any fuel delivered will you?”
“If the roads are that bad, you won’t be driving anywhere anyway, so why would you need any diesel?”
She left shortly after that. I feel that either there’ll be a written complaint on the way, or I’ll never see her again. Hopefully she’ll just moan about me on social media and get her three or four friends to boycott the garage and then she’ll feel like she’s made a difference to the world. And moaning at her made a difference to my mood, so everyone’s a winner.
I would advise you not to visit my place or work, or read this blog, until Friday at the earliest. It’s supposed to be 12degrees Celsius then, so hopefully my attitude will have improved.

RC 8-3-16

Seasons Up The Arse

I have a day off today, simply because I haven’t had any holiday this year and I fancied a long weekend. I thought I’d get a chance to take my bike out and get some fresh air and bask in the early Spring sunshine, but I was forgetting that March is now very firmly a Winter month. It’s bloody freezing outside. Bright, but with a wind cold enough to cut through your spinal cord, even if you’re wearing a polar bear coat for protection (which I haven‘t got, by the way.)
Maybe it’ll warm up a bit later, but I doubt it. 
This is the horrible payback we get for having the mildest December ever, I guess. Autumn is now running from September through to January, so we have to expect Winter to crawl it’s way through March and possibly April. 
At least the evenings are getting lighter I suppose. It’s just too cold to go outside and enjoy them.

RC 4-3-16