He doesn’t drink often nowadays, but Ted partook of some rather nice brandy this evening. It reddened his cheeks and loosened his tongue and he set sail on the S.S.Rant for a while, spouting his opinions on things that he would normally keep to himself. In those circumstances I find it is best to just sit back and enjoy, only occasionally opening my mouth to stoke his fire with a throwaway comment that he can react to. Then I just listen and laugh and write down any pearls of drunken wisdom. Among the gems that I jotted down tonight were:
“Men shouldn’t marry, they should give their fiancee all their money and then kill themselves”
“Nothing in this life is worse than someone else’s pubes on your facecloth”
“If baked beans have been baked how come they’re cold when you open them?”
“I’d rather have cancer than vote Conservative”
“If God had intended us to live in peace he wouldn’t have invented people you want to maim and kill”
“David Cameron looks like a man who’d burst into tears if you farted near him”
“I may be drunk but at least I’m not a Catholic”
“If you can’t handle our Winter you should sod off and live in a desert, but don’t come crying back to England when a scorpion stings you up the arsehole”
“If I was back in my twenties I’d be sowing my wild oats like a porridge farmer”
“Anyone with a beard is a bastard”
He’s also convinced that the voice on the BT Messaging Service is more hostile to him than to Beryl. I tried to convince him it was recorded and automated and the same for everyone but he wouldn‘t listen. He sat down to type an angry letter but he was so trashed on brandy that the first line just said “Dear Msf Haniot - dunging forfar bastrads”
He was asleep at the table when I let myself out..
RC 26-4-13
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