It's not you, it's me..

Yeah, I know, I was being a jerk.
I’m pleased to say I had a revelation about myself while cycling, and I have made steps to repair things with Philippa. 
Sometimes I feel as if everything that goes wrong in our relationship is down to me, and other times I realise that actually everything that goes wrong in our relationship really IS down to me… Philippa is wonderful and is undemanding and is caring and selfless and wonderful, while I exist in an emotionally-enclosed world of self-doubt, insecurities and anxiety. I get so worried that she’s going to realise I’m no good for her that I start doing things that might make her realise I’m no good for her. I believe the professionals call it a self-fulfilling something-or-other. The stupid thing is that I realise that when I’m feeling ok about myself and not doubting myself, I accept that Philippa loves me and everything is great. When I’m NOT feeling good about myself, I assume she isn’t feeling good about me either, and I assume that she’s thinking the same things about me that I am, and I act accordingly. But I’m only acting in reaction to my own thoughts, rather than what she’s actually doing or saying.
I thought writing this all down might clear my head a bit but I now feel more confused than ever.
I’m off to buy Philippa some flowers now…

RC 3-8-12