Life Goes On..

I bought us a new Christmas tree today. I’ve been a bit of a selfish pig in the last few weeks, putting my own carnal happiness before my feelings for my sister, so I’m going to try and make it up to Hannah from now on, starting by buying us a tree. I’m so male. I treat women badly, and then apologise through the medium of gifts.
It’s a nice tree, and I have new shiny decorations to go with it, but my fear is that Nathan’s family and beliefs may have affected her and she’ll rip it up and throw it out before accusing me of being a materialistic heathen bastard or The Antichrist or something. We really do need to have a chat about what we’ll be doing over Christmas. The last two years have been excellent at home, but it may be different now she’s dating someone so pious and righteous that he’s almost John The Baptist. Maybe I’ll try and broach the subject tonight, after she’s smashed me over the head with a bauble.

Elsewhere, I’ve started looking at cars again. Emily may be gone, but the new passion for life she inspired in me doesn’t have to leave with her, so I’m seizing the bull by the whatsits and pressing forward with plans for the future. I’ll start by buying a car, then invest in a book about grammar so I can stop mixing metaphors and massacring sentence structure while blogging.

RC 30-11-10

same theme.. further reflection..

Been thinking a lot about Emily today. It’s so strange to have ended a relationship without the usual hurt and recriminations and tears and hatred. Finishing it when we did just felt so…….. right.
I wish her well, but it wouldn’t bother me if I never saw her again, and that feels weird, considering we’ve hardly been apart for two months.

The whole thing may have been a bit lusty and urgent and lacking any depth, but in many ways it was the most grown-up relationship I’ve ever had.

RC 29-11-10

Alone again, naturally..

Well that particular chapter of life is over.
Emily and I have gone our separate ways.
We’ve struggled through the last few days, but today we met for lunch and decided enough was enough. The fire has gone out, the flame has dwindled and died, so we have poured cold water on the last of the ashes and put the whole thing to bed.
What the HELL did I mean by that last sentence?

What a ride it was, and I don’t mean that in the way you think. In many ways this has been the most eventful few weeks of my life. It was certainly among the most enjoyable. Life-changingly so, almost. I think we found each other at the right time for both of us. We had an alarmingly overpowering physical attraction, which we exhausted to the limit, and then discovered there was little else to keep us together. So now we are moving on before our differences cause us to dislike each other.

At least now I might start writing about something else…

RC 28-11-10

Wild night

Whoever it was that said make-up sex is the best sex certainly knew their onions. Emily came over last night, and we ‘made up’ in just about every room of the house.
We’ve had some pretty amazing nights before, but even by our standards the last twelve hours have been beyond my wildest, wettest dreams.
Shame it’s a work day, because I really need to catch up on some sleep..

RC 24-11-10

Over and out?

I think The Emily Adventure may be drawing to a close. We’ve only seen each other once since ‘the phone incident.’ That was on Friday night, and we just sat on the sofa in an atmosphere, pretending everything was ok. Neither of us wanted to discuss it, neither of us wanted to apologise, so we just sat there drinking wine and watched a Kate Hudson film. Which was awful. But isn’t that true about all Kate Hudson films?
It’s been a long and childish few days since then. I keep checking the phone and my e-mails in case she’s tried to contact me, while I’ve been stubbornly refusing to take the first step myself. The strange thing is though, I haven’t really missed her at all, apart from when I’ve been in bed. And I think that tells you all you need to know about our relationship.

To end with, a little haiku for you:

I am feeling down
But the weather doesn’t care
It just keeps raining

RC 23-11-10

Shout (let it all out)

Emily and I had a massive argument today. I’m not even sure what it was about, but it rapidly descended into a contest to see who could be most insulting, and who could shout the loudest. I wouldn’t have minded, but we did it on the phone, and while she was on her own in the office at work, I was in the middle of a shop in Fakenham.

RC 17-11-10

Bright

I had a lovely walk today. I found a footpath I hadn't seen before which ran parallel to the River Wensum. After a mile or so in the sunshine it took me over a beautiful bridge and then up through some ancient, coppiced woodland. I feel energised, exercised and exhiliratingly close to Mother Nature. The days are getting shorter and darker, but I can deal with any amount of rain-soaked torrid weekends, and still have the strength to face the fight against winter depression, as long as there are days like today. Even if they're only occasional.

RC 16-11-10

helpful habit

I'm going to start blogging more often again.
When I'm not posting daily, I soon get out of the habit and then it gets harder and harder to start up again.
I also find it quite useful mentally. Sharing my life with you and writing down my thoughts and feelings about what's going on is a nice way to air my troubles and start to improve them.
I have no friends and I can't afford a psychiatrist, so you can be my therapy.

Confusion continues

Hannah keeps bursting into tears. I asked whether it was Nathan’s fault and she said “No, it’s my hormones. I feel raw and troubled and emotional.” I said “You and ninety per cent of the world, sweetheart, so join the club.” It didn’t help, so I made her a cup of tea and pretended I had some paperwork to do in my bedroom.

Philippa has asked me out again. She nervously cornered me in the kitchen yesterday and invited me to a showing of some arty Italian film. It’s on tonight in the city. Now, morally, the thing to do at this point is to say “Actually Philippa I’m seeing someone now so it’s not a good idea.” But what I did was scan Emily’s work schedule in my head and, having remembered that she’s working tonight, said “That sounds great.”
So we’re getting a bite to eat at 6 and then making our way to the cinema.
What am I doing??????

RC 13-11-10

Chesworth confused

Emily has been a bit strange since the weekend, and it’s making everything feel a bit strained. It’s the first spell of awkwardness in our relationship. It’s probably just one of those things - a glitch - but my head is trying to tell me that the wheels are falling off forever and this relationship, like my others before it, is heading for the crash barrier. I called round to see Ted last night for some advice and to apologise for not seeing him on Sundays recently. I explained that I have a new ‘lady friend’ and that Sundays are her only full day off. He just said “Deer don’t swim in the rutting season” and handed me a cup of tea.
Beryl was excited to see me and brought out two weeks supply of scones for four people. She asked why I haven’t been round and Ted said “pre-marital sinful coitus indulgement” She got excited again and said “oh lovely - it’s about time you got together with that Philippa girl.”
I tried to explain the situation, but then realised I couldn’t, because I don’t really understand it myself. So I had another scone and changed the topic of conversation to cricket.

RC 10-11-10

Oh, man..

I’m not sure, but I think Emily and I almost had that conversation yesterday. You know the one - when you’ve been together too long to call it a shagfest, but not long enough to call it a relationship, and rather than let it go on the same someone feels the urge to analyse it and decide ‘what’s going on.’ I was cooking lunch. I diced some new potatoes and microwaved them in hot water, then threw them in a wok with some soy sauce and fresh ginger. I kept tossing them over a medium heat, gradually adding some peppers and mushrooms and then throwing in some beansprouts for the last couple of minutes. Served it all up with some cold chicken and a glass of cheap white wine. It’s an old favourite that I first cooked at uni. It’s cheap to pay for and easy to prepare, but people tend to go into raptures about it.
I’m aware of the fact that I’m using the meal as a way to deflect from details about ‘the conversation’ and that’s exactly what I did in the kitchen last night. I concentrated fully on slicing, dicing and cooking and tried to avoid Emily’s comments and questions while I plied her with wine and bounced the topic around as deftly as I bounced the food around the wok. She gave up eventually, and we had a nice evening, albeit with a tinge of atmosphere for the first time since we met. I know we need to discuss things eventually, but that’s the bit of relationships that I am crap at, and that’s when things usually start to unravel. How can I discuss long-term plans with someone that I’ve only made a connection with sexually? Shame Clare Rayner died last week, or I’d be calling her up for advice.

RC 7-11-10