Jared

As I won’t be seeing him much longer, I thought it would be good to note down a few Jared-isms, before they’re confined to my past, alongside 3 a.m. egg sandwiches and the early morning drunks in the booze aisle.
In no particular order, here are my personal Top 10 (although I have a suspicion he may have stolen the ninth one from ‘The Simpsons’):

- “If it wasn’t for internet porn we’d all be raping each other constantly”
- “She was wetter than the Nile in a downpour”
- “My memories of school are as bad as my memories of appendicitis, or shagging that fat bird on Brighton beach in daylight”
- “My guts feel like a party in an eel pond”
- “This job’s about as much fun as leprosy”
- “She had a fanny like a dustbin full of liver”
- “I’d rather work drunk than relax sober”
- “She had nipples like the rivets on a ships hull”
- “The older I get, the smarter I ain’t”
- “Take it from me – when you’re with a bird and she starts sounding really turned on, it ain’t a good thing to shout ‘Yeah, you love it, you fat slut.’”

RC 3-12-09