a poem to end our August...

Love is an endless river
on which we're always striving for the shore
and any heartfelt notes that you deliver
will only serve to make you want them more
Love is a flowing stream
full of life and perils, dams and turns
and any future path that you might dream
will flounder on the rocks or crash and burn
Love is a dancing sea
there is no way to surf and not be broken
and any time that's right for you and me
will wash away with things we left unspoken
Love is a still, calm pond
upon which all our hopes can sit and thrive
and when we find that special, sacred bond
we'll know just how it feels to be alive

RC 31-8-25

'What Is This?' (a poem)

A static world obstructs the clearest view.
Somewhere a clock reminds us it's Tuesday.
Benevolence scatters under overinflated bus tyres
as a misadvised nun shakes the rain from her hat.
Far beyond the galaxy a new star is birthed.
Orange opaqueness mixing with samphire green.
All that was lost continues to call a reminder.
Unseen gentlemen dance beneath the floorboards.
If always could ever be blossomed,
redundant fighters would rise and rid the wastelands.
But we, forlornly sheltered, can only but depart
and trust that knowing fingers hold the cradle.

RC 30-8-25 

self-aware realisation

I am very, very tired. Again. That's my conclusion from everything that has been happening this week. I'm low, moody, irritable, out-of-sorts and lacking confidence in myself, and it's all because I'm run down and not sleeping very well. I need to get back on top of my eating habits, increase my intake of water, do more things that relax and refresh me and acknowledge that I am stretched a little too thin.  Work, family and insomnia can be a difficult combination at times, and right now I am on the ragged edge and feeling frail. But it's easily remedied. Less coffee, less sugar, more vegetables, more sleep. It really can be that simple. It's a lesson I keep having to learn, but as long as I keep learning it, I have a chance to avoid these lethargic episodes in the future and have a more settled, constant feeling of wellbeing and contentment. Which is, as I have proven to myself in the past, a much nicer way of existing.

RC 29-8-25

wrong side of the bed?

People are really annoying me today. I don't know why, and I know it is more about me than about what they are doing, but it doesn't make it any less of a problem. I am writing it out here in an attempt to get over it, because I am rather worried that I am going to get increasingly wound up and end up exploding at someone who doesn't really deserve it. You would think I would be used to dealing with the public's foibles, and I am, but every so often I have a day when I just want to be on my own, doing my own things, instead of having to take care of everybody else's.
I think I might be missing Mathew. After our lovely day together on Sunday it was really hard to drag myself back into work and concentrate, and the fact that it was a Bank Holiday on Monday and most of our friends were all taking advantage of the extra day off, and the lovely weather that accompanied it, while I was stuck back at work and having to help run a scavenger hunt, really wound me up a bit. I kept getting messages and seeing online updates about garden parties and barbecues and beach trips and playparks, and it bugged me. I know the lesson is that I shouldn't look at my phone while at work, and I shouldn't think about what I could be doing instead of earning some money, but I couldn't help it this week. I seemed to enjoy torturing myself. And today I am wallowing in the 'poor me, I missed out' headspace.
So, as I said, I am hoping that writing about it here will alleviate it somewhat, because it's a pointless way of feeling and thinking and there's nothing I can do to change the circumstances, and I will have plenty of other opportunities to enjoy quality time with my sons. But it's nice to admit that I am missing them, and it's nice to realise that that's what the problem is, and it's not the fault of anyone here at work. And shouting at someone or acting like a twat towards them isn't going to change the way I feel.
Thank you.

RC 28-8-25

slight burst of creativity

A POEM TO PUT ON A BENCH SOMEWHERE:

A bench can be a home
A respite from the daily city slog
An opportunity to breathe
relax and reconnect with nature
It can be a mirror
A pause button
A chance to chat with strangers
or meet with a future spouse
It can comfort, cuddle, reconfigure
It can clear your mind of muddle
So sit, and breathe,
and be benchy

RC 27-8-25
2210 BST

colourful achievement

I managed to complete a Rubik's Cube today in 1 min 48 secs!  I know that's a long way short of the world record, but it's a personal best for me and I need these little wins at the moment, so I'm proud of myself.

RC 27-8-25

...but I had to come to work instead

Mathew woke me up at 5am this morning, asking if we could go fishing again! I didn't realise quite how much he was taken by it yesterday, but it seems to have opened a door in his mind into a world he never knew existed, but now feels he cannot live without.
We were only at the river for about three hours at most, and that includes the walk from the car park and the set-up and pack-down time, but they obviously meant a lot to him. I must say that his little face was rather a picture the first time he was able to see a fish at the end of his line. (Sorry for anyone out there who doesn't like the idea of youngsters being taught to catch defenceless animals, but it does help serve an instinct that has been in us for millennia, without the need to blow holes in the side of deer with a shotgun or chase down foxes with a bassett hound.) He really surprised me with his patience, and how he took comfortably to sitting on the bank with his water bottle, just waiting for his float to get pulled under. Yes, we had a few 'BORED' moments, and we had a few sprints up and down the footpath to use up some energy and take care of the 'young boy' urge to keep moving, but generally speaking he was beautifully behaved and happy to just be there and be with his dad. And, lord oh lord, is that a wonderful thing to be able to type this morning.

RC 25-8-25

Of hooks and hope

Well... I am pleased to report that the debut angling scenario involving young Mathew was relatively successful. I only got the hook stuck in my finger twice, my son did not end up floating in the river, and apart from his attempt to ingest maggots as if they were haribo, he spent the day in a calm, playful mood and seemed to genuinely enjoy himself. I would never have considered fishing as a possible father/son activity, but once it was suggested I was happy to give it a go, and I'm so glad we went along. It helped that the guy we were with is experienced, and very patient, and used to dealing with children, but even without his guidance I think we would have been ok. I could even go so far as to say that I enjoyed the whole thing, and I dare say that if I was to make it a regular hobby, it might be something I end up looking forward to. I must be becoming middle-aged! Next thing you know I'll be getting excited by sheds...

Tonight I sat in the garden and got a bit depressed about the fact that it's getting dark so much earlier now, but then I offset that by getting excited about the fact that there are only two weeks left in the school holidays, and that my crazy work life will soon be settling down into something resembling manageable, rather than the uncontrollable chaos it is for a large part of July and August.

RC 24-8-25

Rod for my own back?

I am taking Mathew fishing tomorrow!
I have no idea how this will go, but we were invited along by a kindly friend, and for some reason Mathew got very excited by the opportunity, so we will be sitting by the river for a couple of hours trying to wrench fish from their natural habitat by luring them onto a hook. Sounds awful when I put it like that, and maybe something that my 6-year-old shouldn't be encouraged to do, but the main thing is that we'll be out in the open air, together, and both learning something new.
My main worry, beyond the obvious discomfort for the prey, is that I'll have an energetic youngster within inches of a flowing body of water, and I think I might spend all day in a state of high anxiety as I wait to hear a scream and a splosh, which would be followed by me sprinting along the riverbank in a desperate attempt to overtake him and be able to grab him before he drowns or disappears to the Netherlands. I think I may have had a dream about that only this year.
Anyway, wish me luck, and send me good wishes, and I shall let you know how it goes tomorrow....

RC 23-8-25

I Think I Need A (Bank) Holiday

I got a little depressed last night, thinking about how much time I don't spend with my children while they're off school. I know work is important, and the pennies pay for the products, and I'm lucky to be in a job that I enjoy most of the time, but it still hurts that my career path has led me to a cul-de-sac that I have to stay in during the weeks that my boys are on their break from education. And if I keep working in this industry, that will be the case throughout their whole childhood. And I am only too aware that once they get to their late teens, the chance to spend lots of father/son time with them will be well and truly waning, as they find the outside world and its temptations luring them away from their family.
So it stings a little.
And it's great that, once we get past October half-term, I get to spend both days at the weekends with them, but it upsets me that right now I get in at night a bit knackered from a day at work, and have to squeeze in a little bit of time with them both before they head off to bed, and I'm normally too frazzled to really give them 100% of my energy and attention. And soon they'll be back at school and bedtime will be earlier again, and they themselves will be tired from their day and not too keen on playing with their dad.
I know I'm just being Negative Rory here and finding the shitty bits in amongst a truly wonderful situation, but it helps to type this stuff out and then read it back and see what's come out. I am missing them today, I think, and wishing I could be with them more; but I can't, because I work here, and so we just have to make the best of it.

RC 22-8-25

I Think I Need A Holiday

I can't remember the last time I felt properly rested, fully on top of myself mentally, and fully relaxed. I know that's probably a true statement for most people in Britain most of the time, but for me it's a realisation that I am, currently, feeling a little out-of-sorts. As any of you that are parents will know, the little ones in your life can be very, very draining at times. That's not a complaint, by the way, my sons are still (and will always be) the best thing I have ever done, and my commitment to raising them, even at the expense of my own wellbeing, is absolute, but it's still worth acknowledging just how tiring this stuff is. If you don't have children, and you're reading the above lines thinking 'how hard can it be?' then just look at any of your friends who are parents, and then look at your friends who remain childless. There is a huge difference, in demeanour, appearance, and finances. And I think we should talk about that more often. But I'm not going to do that right now, as I don't feel mentally on-the-ball enough to make sense about it. Plus, I have to go and check on the freezer in Ice Cream Alley as I think we may have a temperature issue.

RC 21-8-25

Fits and Starts

I guess my Summer output blogwise will always be a bit iffy. Flat-out busy at work, two children at home on their school holidays, and a multitude of things that I love doing that can only be done during BST, will always mean I am distracted from my writing duties, by one thing or another. I'm sure you understand though - we all have busy lives after all, and a thousand and one things pulling us in a hundred and one directions - so I won't dwell on that further.
So, to update you on recent events:
My back is feeling much better (thank you for asking). Philippa was a little upset that I visited an onsite physio lady instead of waiting for her to come back from her little North Norfolk soiree, but as I explained to her - "If you had seen me struggling to get out of the car after driving home, I don't think you would have denied me the chance to have someone treat me". I also pointed out that, if she doesn't like the idea of another woman having her hands on me, maybe she should consider what it's like for me when I know she is oiling up half-naked men several times a week. She called me a childish prick and said I had missed the point entirely - it wasn't personal jealousy, it was a professional grievance - so I did the standard male response of just going silent and letting her win.
Mathew has said he never wants to go back to school again as it's more fun being at home; but he has also said that he is bored with us and is missing his teacher and his friends, so it's hard to know which comment to take more seriously. Once he decides how he really feels I'll have a better idea on how to react to him. Honestly, he is so much like his mother....

RC 20-8-25

Two-Line Horror Stories

These are, apparently, a bit of a thing on the internet somewhere, so I thought I'd have a go in my lunch break:

"There's something wrong with my face," thought Dan, eyeing his reflection in the mirror.
The hands reached through the glass and strangled him to death.

---

Tilting his head back and tapping the bottom of the tube, Michael was horrified to find himself choking to death on the remnants.
Miles away in his dark lab, Julius Pringle wore a satisfied, evil smile.

RC 12-8-25

Achieved!!

Yesterday's blog was exactly 500 words!!!!
I'm not going to start making a habit of that - I think that's a bit too much of a challenge for me to try and stick to - but by God it gives me a weird sense of satisfaction when it happens. And weirdly, it feels better when it happens by accident, rather than when I do it deliberately! You would think I would be prouder if I aimed for a certain number of words and then achieved it, but actually I get the biggest buzz when it's stumbled upon and noticed later, because it almost feels like I have some kind of innate talent that shines out occasionally to show me that God still likes me, and that offsets the days when I think he hates me, like when he injures me on the very day that my wife - who could easily fix that injury - is away.
I hope that makes sense - I think I may have taken too many painkillers....

RC 8-8-25

Terrible timing

I have a very sore back. And not in a 'hmmm, that's a bit painful' way but in an 'oh Christ if I ever have to twist myself to the left again I will be screaming, throwing up and collapsing' kind of way. I stupidly tried moving something yesterday that was a very awkward shape and heavier than I expected, and I moved it in a way that put too much strain on my lower back. I mean - I joke about, and complain about, all the silly little courses that we have to do in the workplace, but it turns out the 'manual lifting' one is quite accurate, and quite important. Too late now, but I should have paid more attention and written things down, and then re-read them before attempting to drag an A-frame advertising ice creams from one side of a play park to the other.
It's Gavin's fault, really. He was here for the day and was in one of his usual 'I have to justify my title as Managing Director by changing something while I'm onsite, even if it doesn't need to be changed' moods, and the target of his efforts yesterday was Ice Cream Alley. To give you the background - earlier this year we converted a small, vintage caravan into a booth for serving ice creams, which are supplied by a local producer. It's placed in the shade down a nice walkway that links a play park to an open area with a pond and I have called that walkway 'Ice Cream Alley'. It's a new feature for this year that isn't exactly groundbreaking, but shows that we are always adding things and not keeping the site stale. It's one of my ideas that was frowned upon initially but has turned out to be rather popular, but yesterday Gavin decided, as he does, that something should be changed very slightly - so he could tell people (in the way that managers do) that he had made the important decision in the whole thing and therefore feel like he had had an input - and he wanted the lovely, well-designed and hand-painted sign 'slightly more visible from the other side of the park' and I reacted in my usual immature, obstinate way and said, "Right, well we'd better do that straight away and I'd better do it myself" and proceeded to grab it and drag it to its new position.
And now I am a bit broken.
I've booked to get manipulated by one of the talented ladies in the onsite spa, but she didn't have a space until Friday, so I'm stuck with the pain and discomfort for a bit longer.

And the real pisser is - any other time I would be able to ask my wife to use her wonderful training as a sports physio to give me some relief, but I actually hurt myself at the very time that she was driving to visit her friends for a few days....

RC 7-8-25

Weirdreams that persist...

I often, as you probably know, have very strange dreams, that often stay with me for the whole day and make me question my understanding of my own reality. Last night and this morning, though, I had something happen that was unusual, even for me. I had a dream that carried on between periods of being awake! Let me explain - the dream in question involved me, for some reason, playing tennis in a car park against a guy called Damian that I went to school with but have had zero contact since, (so goodness only knows why he turned up in a dream). It was a very windy day and we kept having to run off to collect the balls, and I was about to launch a big serve his way (with the score at 40-15, I believe) when I was woken up by my alarm going off. Now, at this point, in real life, in my awakened state, I decided 'Sod it, I'll have another ten minutes' and hit the Snooze button, which isn't normal behaviour for me, but I have been feeling extra tired lately. But what happened next was, I found myself back in exactly the same dream, at the exact point I had left it - standing in the car park, facing Damian and about to serve. it was as if there'd been a quick commercial break and we were ready to resume broadcasting. And that happened TWICE MORE as well.
So I don't know whether I hadn't woken enough to break the dream, or whether this is something that happens often to other people but I was unfamiliar with, or whether I hadn't woken up at all and my alarm going off was just part of the dream, or something else entirely.
I have a suspicion it might be a symptom of a brain tumour, but thankfully I've been far too busy to look that up and worry myself.

In other news, I am going to have the house to myself for the next few days! Philippa is meeting up with an old friend in North Norfolk, who has children a similar age to our boys, and she's invited them to stay and have a proper explore. I was invited too, I should add, but obviously I can't take time off work in the holidays, so I shall be fending for myself until Saturday.
I shall miss them terribly, but it does mean I should get some proper sleep!!

RC 6-8-25

Reconnect

After a week of poems, came a week of nothingness. Isn't that the way with Rory? I flood you with content or I leave you bereft. I guess, increasingly, I need the motivation of trying to achieve a challenge of some kind before I can get the creative muscles working. Otherwise I feel it's too much effort to sit down and find something to type to you about.
To be fair, though - (and I'm sure dedicated, long-term readers will understand this) - I am locked into the very, very busy time at work, what with it now being the Summer Holidays and us being rammed to the hilt with visitors. We are, to be frank, very, very busy, and there is always so much to do, and then at least fifteen other things cropping up every hour to take me away from my given task and distract me for a while. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the whole thing and I genuinely think I'm at my best when I'm going flat out, but it doesn't leave me much time spare to concentrate on things like blogging. Then, when I eventually get home (which could be anytime between 6 and 10pm the way things have been) I want to have a good feed and spend lots of time with my own little ones.
And that's enough excuses for one day, I think.

RC 4-8-25
2142 BST

The Modern World (and despair)

Just a quick thought I'd like to put down here, as I prepare a longer blog posting for later:
Is there anything on TV at all these days that isn't primarily about sex?

RC 4-8-25