End of the Month Haiku

April may have been

The weirdest month of my life

Probably yours too

RC 30-4-20

Ideas in Collision

I’ve got an urge to build a pond. And when I say ‘an urge’ I mean ‘an overwhelmingly distracting obsession’. There’s a lovely spot in our garden, close to the nearly-dead apple tree in the corner, which would be perfect. Shaded. Flat. Easy to dig out and sculpt around. I can see it in my minds eye, completed, already and it looks glorious.

Philippa, as ever, has been quick to dampen my enthusiasm. She has this really odd point, which is this: We have a 16-month old toddler who is starting to explore wherever he can get, and we’re discussing the possibility of giving him a little brother or sister sooner rather than later. Why would we fill part of our garden with something they can easily drown in?

She’s no fun.

To be fair though, her work has been rather stressful during all this ‘world-altering pandemic’ whatjamacallit. Obviously, I don’t know what you do for a living, and whether you’ve even been allowed to do it during the past month, but do spare a little thought for anyone involved in keeping GP surgeries running. I know there are hardships all over the NHS, and I’m not comparing her efforts to those currently manning posts in Intensive Care Units, but there are thousands of doctors, nurses, health practitioners, receptionists, clinicians, dispensary staff and pharmacists outside hospitals who are also going above-and-beyond to keep the general public supplied with medicine, advice and support. They should be appreciated too.

But who am I to lecture anyone else?  The 8pm clap-along is for ALL those people, and I missed it last week because I fell asleep, so feel free to print this blog onto paper, roll it into a tight ball, and firmly shove it up my arse.

RC 29-4-20

Lockdown List

I want to put a positive spin on this (even though it’s come from a point of depression) so rather than call it “Things I Am Missing Terribly” I shall go with “Things I Am Looking Forward To”

An afternoon with Ted and Beryl

A walk on the beach, including a paddle

Eating fish and chips by the sea

A hug from both my sisters

Conversations about ANYTHING besides coronavirus

Shaking hands when I meet people

Going to the cinema

RC 28-4-20

A Strange Man In Strange Times

Having a difficult day today. Can’t even tell you why. Probably tired, after a weekend tickled by insomnia and unpleasant thought patterns. I’ve done my usual thing – find a new little ‘game’ (in this case – recasting old movies), got really excited by it, obsessed about it for a week or so, played it to death like a child with a new toy at Christmas, then got fed up with it, then berated myself for wasting so much time and effort and mental energy obsessing about it already. What could I have achieved in a week, I told myself at 2.13am this morning, had I not been spending my time trying to decide who could be a modern-day Clark Gable in a remake of ‘Gone with the Wind’?

Never mind. Onward and upward.

It’s quite overcast and chilly here today, too, which probably doesn’t help. After a couple of days of Summer warmth, it’s a shock to return to the weather that we should really be having at this time of the year anyway.  I do feel that we’ve been rather spoilt so far during lockdown, weather-wise. It’s probably a bad thing really, as it’s probably a sign of accelerated climate change, but we’re not hearing anything about that anymore, are we? Not hearing anything about ANYTHING expect ‘CV19’ as I believe it’s now being called.

Greta Thunberg must be spitting feathers.

It will be interesting to see what happens when we get detailed readings at the end of this year. With air travel virtually at a standstill, and probably less than half the automobile movements that we’d normally get, will there be a noticeable effect on the amount of carbon in the atmosphere? You must have seen the satellite images of the skies over China, and how air pollution shrank to virtually nothing during their quarantine? I’ll be very interested to see if that is repeated worldwide, and if it is, will that have any effect on people’s attitudes? If the rate of atmospheric warming slows or even reverses, won’t that finally be proof that manmade activities are responsible for the changes we’ve been seeing, and becoming increasingly affected by? Won’t that finally kick the naysayers into the shadows, and provoke people to petition governments to stop ignoring the issue and do more? Will this realisation, coupled with a collective understanding of what’s important, born from an altered mental state induced by being isolated, make each and every human take responsibility for their own part in the future?

One can only hope.

I’m rambling now, so I think I shall bid you adieu.

RC 27-4-20

Bored again, naturally...

My joy at imagining myself as a movie mogul with control over castings has faded now. I need something new to occupy my mind.

Do I start to do my French course? That I mentioned in my ‘things to do in lockdown’ post? That I’ve had sitting on a shelf for about seven years now? Probably not…

Do I look up new recipes and try them out on my poor wife? Maybe, but that won’t satisfy the constant need for mental stimulation, and the need to be distracted from things that are niggling me in the real world. I guess the best answer, the one that psychologists or spiritual advisors might send my way, would be to do NOTHING. Don’t give in to the urges for obsession, just let the feelings pass and get used to not acting on them and then things will be easier in the future.

Well, maybe, but this is the way I am and this is the life I’m used to. I deal with the darkness of my own creation by attaching my mind to pointless tasks. If I stop doing that, I’m not convinced I’ll cope with the reality that I find myself concentrating on. So I’m open to suggestions for something I can get my mental teeth into to….

RC 26-4-20

More movie musing madness

I’m not trying to do complete cast lists anymore. I’m just thinking of individual characters from past movies that I’d like to see interpreted by other performers. Some of these films have already been remade, but these are the actors I’d like to see giving them a go in a new version:

Norman Bates (PSYCHO) – Jake Gyllenhaal  

William Bligh (MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY) – Matthew MacFadyen

Fletcher Christian (same as above) – Nicholas Hoult

Thelma (of Thelma & Louise) – Jennifer Lawrence

Louise (as above) – Ana de Armas

Scottie Ferguson (Vertigo) – Denzel Washington

Roger Thornhill (North by Northwest) – Clive Owen

BUTCH & SUNDANCE – John Boyega & Daniel Kaluuya

Norman Thayer (On Golden Pond) – Jim Broadbent

Ethel Thayer (On Golden Pond) – Judi Dench

James Bond (Dr No) - Nicholas Hoult (yes – him again)

TE Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia) – Ryan Gosling

Atticus Finch (To Kill A Mockingbird) – Ryan Gosling (again)

Don Birnam (The Lost Weekend) – Oscar Isaac

Holly Golightly (Breakfast At Tiffany’s) – Daisy Ridley

RC 24-4-20

St George's Day Flitbits

“Flitbits” is my new term for the little musings I write, as short paragraphs, in my book of notes on my desk. Here are the latest batch:

I think the longer this lockdown goes on, the more good it will do for society in general.

The people who will suffer most are the ones who are just holding on and waiting to go back to their former lives. Those lives don’t exist anymore. We won’t be ‘going back’ to anything, all we can do is move on from this, into whatever altered existence we then inhabit. Anyone expecting the same old normal is in for a shock.

On a personal level - it has stunned me how nice I have been to customers! Ever since I first entered the world of supermarket retail (as a shelf-filler, however many years ago it was) I have despised my fellow Man and hated being in a position of serving them. In the past month, I’ve found myself feeling honoured to be able to help them, and taking time to talk to them all, and trying to send them off from the garage with a smile. Maybe it’s because I know I’m mainly dealing with people who are out-and-about because they’re key workers, or maybe this whole thing has made me more of a human. I’m not sure, but I genuinely hope it continues post-Corona.

I understand, and sympathise with, anyone who is missing sport, especially at the weekends. But I hope those people now realise there are far better ways to use your spare time than spending 10 hours a day watching other people being active on television.

RC 23-4-20

Rethinking recasting

During a bout of insomnia, I realised I had changed my mind about one of my earlier movie decisions (see Sat April 18^th) I think, on reflection, I would keep Adam Driver and Bradley Cooper in ‘The Sting’ but have them swap roles! Driver much more suited to Gondorff, Cooper much more suited to Hooker.

Also – I would now like to add which Directors I would like to see at the helm of those movies.

So:

BACK TO THE FUTURE – Denis Villeneuve

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE – Damien Chazelle

THE STING – Paul Thomas Anderson

RC 21-4-20

Indoors Update

Back on March 25^th, I boldly said I would be taking advantage of the extra time at home and not being idle with it. I made a list of things I would strive to learn, or get better at, and a list of movies I would like to re-visit.

I thought I’d do a bit of cut-and-paste from that day, and then let you know how those projects are coming along…

NEW SKILLS I CAN LEARN

French (or another as-yet-undecided language) – Haven’t thought about this since.

Gardening – Well, I’ve mowed the lawn, and trimmed the hedge. That’s about it.

THINGS I CAN PRACTICE AND GET BETTER AT

Cooking - I have done lots, but always with old recipes. Haven’t tried anything new.

Drumming – Have not hit one drum since the lockdown started.

Harmonica – Fiddled a bit. Not done any online lessons. Used ‘not disturbing Mathew’ as an excuse’.

Fatherhood! – doing my best, but still not completely confident that I’m even doing ‘okay’

MOVIES TO REVISIT

EVERYTHING by Laurel & Hardy - Haven’t watched any of these yet.

Every Woody Allen film – As above..

So, all in all, I’m doing pretty shitty.

RC 20-4-20

The New Normal

I thought time would drag during this lockdown, but suddenly we’re in the second half of April, and this month is going by just as quickly as Spring months have in the past, when I’d have been filling my time with cycling, walking and gardening. Pensioners were told ‘stay in for 12 weeks’ and it seemed like forever; an impossible task. But we’re one third of the way through that timespan already.

Weird.

It’s funny how everyone seems to have adapted to ‘the strange change’ and got used to it. It’s impressive, really. If you told everyone a year ago that we’d face three months with massive restrictions on our movements and limits on what we’re allowed to do outside, they would have laughed at you, threatened you or discounted you. It would have seemed like such a monumental shift in lifestyle that it would be impossible to comprehend properly, or even contemplate. Even when it was happening in other countries, and even when we were warned it was coming to Britain, it didn’t seem like a real eventuality we would face and have to deal with. It didn’t seem like something we would accept, adapt to, and be happy to help with.

And yet here we are.
Routines have been established, new ways of family contact have been uncovered, and new ways of working are – well – working. As someone who has never been a fan of the human race in general, I have to say I think we’re doing ok so far.

But I still can’t believe it’s already April 19^th….

RC 19-4-20

More movie modern-casting madness

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)

George Bailey (James Stewart) – CHRISTIAN BALE

Clarence (Henry Travers) – ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.

Mr Potter (Lionel Barrymore) – ANTHONY HOPKINS

Mary (Donna Reed) – AMY ADAMS

Uncle Billy (Thomas Mitchell) – TOBY JONES

THE STING (1973)

Henry Gondorff (Paul Newman) – BRADLEY COOPER

Johnny Hooker (Robert Redford) – ADAM DRIVER

Doyle Lonhegan (Robert Shaw) – BRENDAN GLEESON

Billie (Eileen Brennan) – HELEN MIRREN

Lt. Snyder (Charles Durning) – RUSSELL CROWE

Yeah, I know – more Brits playing Americans. But there you go…

RC 18-4-20

Forethought too much?

Philippa wants to plan a little sibling for Mathew!

I’m not sure we should be looking too far forward at all in the current set-up, but Philippa firmly believes this will be sorted sometime this year, and she thinks it’s important to have nice things pencilled in for the future. I can see her point, I suppose, but it just feels a bit odd to me. I don’t see how we can look to expand our family when so many other people are worrying about losing members of theirs. But maybe that’s just my usual reticence and reluctance automatically kicking in, the way it did when she first discussed become parents all those years ago. I fought against it then, but would I be without my son now? Hell, no. So maybe the idea of having another little Chesworth filling the house with giggles is a good one. The idea of practising fornication as a means of procreation is certainly a good one, but knowing my luck I’d impregnate Philippa the first time we had sex, and that would be the end of all the fun stuff.

Sometimes I’m so male it disgusts me.

RC 17-4-20

The Things We Do To Fill The Void

It’s amazing what people are distracting and entertaining themselves with as this unusual ‘lockdown’ scenario carries on. I've spotted NFL journalists re-doing drafts from years past, musicians re-working songs to give them a fresher feel, and there are members of the public joining in and creatively taking part, as well as finding their own ways to keep themselves amused and fill some time.

Personally, I have taken to re-casting old movies. I pick an old favourite, then imagine I’m a high-rolling producer with £100million to spend and the rights to film it for a modern audience. Then I decide which current actors I would put in each role.

FOR EXAMPLE (and I’ve picked a film everyone will know for the purposes of this demonstration):

Back to the Future:

ROLE – Marty McFly

Original actor – Michael J.Fox

MY CASTING – Tom Holland

WHY? – Has already successfully taken on a known role with Spider-Man. Boyish looks make him believable as a High School student. Good American accent.

ROLE – Dr. Emmitt Brown

Original actor – Christopher Lloyd

MY CASTING – Stephen Merchant

WHY? – Tall and gangly. Eccentric. Great facial expressions.

ROLE – George McFly

Original actor – Crispin Glover

MY CASTING – Andrew Garfield

WHY? – Looks young enough. Brilliant combination of vulnerability and strength, needed for different parts of the role.

ROLE – Lorraine Baines

Original actor – Lea Thompson

MY CASTING – Daisy Ridley

WHY? – She’s a terrific actress, and reminds me a lot of the character.

ROLE – Biff Tannen

Original actor – Thomas F. Wilson

MY CASTING – Daniel Kaluuya

WHY? – He’s brilliant. Strong physique. Comic abilities. I just think he’d nail it.

I’m aware that I’ve cast lots of British actors in American roles, but so what? Everyone else is doing it.

RC 16-4-20

Euphemisms instead of saying... you know what...

I felt very odd today, and I’m not entirely sure why. I guess everyone will have ‘off days’ every so often through this weirdness. Today was my turn. I had a day in the office and I felt very lonely and strangely vulnerable.  It’s hard knowing how to order stock and stuff when you just don’t know how much of anything we’ll be selling, because we don’t know how many people will be allowed out to play, and when.

I’m finding it all a bit tiresome, to be honest. I like change, but the novelty is wearing off.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just tired.

By way of a distraction, here are some of the phrases I have used recently to stop me having to say any combination of ‘coronavirus’, ‘pandemic’ or ‘crisis’:

The current situation

This unpleasantness

This weirdness

The virus-thing

Where We Are Now

This shitty illness

This current malarkey

The current circumstances

The obvious

I’m nothing if not resourceful with phrases.

RC 15-4-20

Random collection of thoughts

It seems to me that people are reacting to the lockdown in one of two ways. Comfort eating and consoling with alcohol or turning to excessive exercise. I think we’re going to end up with half the population obese and unhealthy and the other half super fit.

It amazes me that some people are complaining about the fact that they’re effectively being paid to stay at home. I guess the default setting for a large part of the population is being pissed off, even when a situation doesn’t warrant it. Mind you, most of them seem to be self-employed people who have always fiddled their tax returns to say they’ve never made a profit, so now they can’t get any money to support themselves. Sorry – but you can’t sneakily NOT pay tax and then moan when you don’t get anything back.

I’m starting to think I might be disappointed when everyone is let out into the world again. I’ve been enjoying the slower pace of life, and the lack of traffic, and the way that everyone is courteously and patiently going through their day, not shoving each other out of the way to reach some destination they don’t even know they’re heading for.

I actually think we might see quite a few people trying to change they way they live in response to this situation. If you’ve got used to working from home for three months, are you really going to want to go back to driving into an office five times a week, adding to the length of your workday by being on the road for 45 minutes in each direction? I also think there might be companies that decide they don’t want to keep paying for premises, when it’s been proved that their workforce can do what they need to do from home, using their own electricity and internet!

So, what I’m saying is – I think the longer this goes on, the more likely it is that it will have a profound and lasting effect on our work habits.

Or maybe I’m wrong, and everyone will be desperate to get back to what they’ve always known.

I’m sick of every article, podcast, radio show and TV broadcast being about this bloody virus. And yet here I am, blogging about it….. HYPOCRITE? ME?

RC 14-4-20

Lockdown Lookout

An A-Z Of Things That Are Helping Me Through This Weirdness

Attitude

Beer

Chocolate

Discussions

Eggs

Food, generally

Good music

Hilary Mantel’s ‘Cromwell’ trilogy

Ignoring the news

Juggling

Kisses

Laurel & Hardy

Mathew

Nice weather!

Origami

Philippa

Quizzes

Reading, generally

Sporcle

This blog

U. (Wii U, to give its full name)

Vienetta

West Wing DVD boxsets

‘X Stands for Unknown’ by Isaac Asimov

Yoghurt maker

Zoo cameras on YouTube

RC 13-4-20

A futile hope, perhaps

There will be many after-effects to this current situation. I sincerely hope one of them is a change in people’s attitudes towards ‘the News.’

I’m not going to blather on about it, but I think a huge number of the ‘reporters’ working in British television, radio and newspapers need to have a serious think about how they’ve involved themselves in the coronavirus crisis. What we’ve needed is support, hope, guidance and accuracy. What we’ve been getting is doom, bullshit, self-serving exaggeration and panic-inducing hearsay.

Networks have been falling over themselves to find ways to convince people to stay tuned. When there’s been no need for ‘up to the minute updates’ they’ve created them anyway, for fear of people turning over to watch something that might be cheerful. A modicum of misinformation is ballooned into a three-hour opportunity for debate, with ‘experts’ indulging in speculation that is about as based in fact as I am based in Peru.

Remember that stockpiling from supermarkets? Wouldn’t have happened without pictures of empty shelves. They doctor the facts to suit their own needs, with no regard for the effect on the public.

It’s been sickening, and it should never happen again.

But it will.

RC 9-4-20

We'll Get There (a poem)

A day that feels dark

Hope struggles with a heavy heart

All together in a lonely spot

Families asunder

Small distances, but oceans away

A narrow tunnel, no light

Barrage of bad news

Those reporting, report shite

No glory in bringing joy

Strength will grow

From each small heart, a shoot

Recovery grows in pieces

Dawn approaches

Ride the nightmare, for now

We will unite in time

RC 8-4-20

Changes (again!)

Back at work on site today. One of my part-timers has two children and both of them have gone down with coughs, so she’s having to do the 14-day quarantining thing. She phoned me in tears worried she’d lose her job, so I explained to her that it’s all good. She ‘felt awful’ for dropping her shift on someone else at short notice, so I just said I would cover it myself and she shouldn’t give it another thought.

I’m not fishing for kudos here, I’m just pleased with myself for the way I reacted. There was a time – a more selfish, less bizarre time, not too long ago – where I would have been quite cold with her and then moaned internally about the inconvenience and then made someone else work the shift, but today I was just concerned about her and her wellbeing, and it was a lovely feeling to be able to alleviate her worries and send her back to her family relieved and ready to support them.

RC 7-4-20

Normality is Nice

I’m in my office today. It’s weird. Everything is so quiet. It’s nice to be back in familiar surroundings, but it all feels so different. We’re getting about two customers an hour!

I’m supposed to be working out rotas for the next couple of months, but how can I do that? We don’t know for sure how many staff we’ll need, or how many of them might need to be in isolation. We’ve already chopped the hell out of the workforce. No-one’s been permanently laid off, but a few have been furloughed, and a few others have been re-directed to work in the stores. Things have happened that I couldn’t possibly have imagined just a few months ago, but we’re getting on with it, and getting through it, and I’m very pleased and proud to say that the company I work for haven’t shit on any of my staff.

I like change, but I must admit I’m now missing some of the things that used to bore me. Regular conference calls, which I used to dread the way a lactose intolerant person would dread ice cream, are something I’m looking forward to returning, whenever it may be that they return. ‘Zoom’ video get-togethers, with everyone in their own kitchen, just aren’t the same as calls through the phones when we’re all sat at our desks in our bases.

Anyway – who am I to complain? I’m still working on full pay. I’m helping keep things moving along, in my own minimal, mostly-unimportant way. We get quite a few carers and community health staff using the garage, and it’s great to show them our support by having a chat and telling them they’re appreciated and occasionally giving them some free chocolate. (If Those Above Me complain about that, I’ll pay the bloody bill myself.)

I’m rambling now, and I need to tidy my shelves.

RC 6-4-20

Kitchen table reflections

I’m cooking a roast today. Seems a bit daft, when it feels like a Summer’s day, but I’m trying to keep track of what day it is and hoping having our regular Sunday meal will help me connect with where we are in the week.

Working from home is a bit of a shitter now. Psychologically, it’s important for me to leave the house and to go a place of work. I take off my ‘dad and husband’ hat and put on my ‘Area Sub-Division Manager’ hat. In these circumstances these days, it’s hard to have that separation. Instead of working nine hours and then returning to the family, I’m flitting between the two as the day wanders on.

A couple of members of staff are complaining about ‘being on the front line’ by still working, as if we’ve suddenly forced them to work in an Ebola hot zone, rather than asking them to serve a few people in a filling station. All our garages have been fitted with screens now, so everyone is effectively working in a protected booth. There’s hand sanitizer everywhere and the public are being asked to come to the counter one at a time. I’m not sure what else we can do.

Anyway – I hope you are all keeping well, and I’m off now to make up some batter mix.

RC 5-4-20

Is it only two days since Wednesday?

The positive side of this current malarkey is that I’m spending much more time with my son. The unfortunate effect, though, is that I’m starting to see my home as a place of work, and therefore finding it hard to relax and switch into family mode. That might be why my insomnia has come back to say ‘Hello’ over the past couple of nights. It does love a change in routine.

I imagine we’re all having moments when we feel overwhelmed, confused and scared. I’m doing quite a good job of managing those thoughts and feelings but believe me when I tell you that it’s very difficult not to indulge them when it’s 4am and you’ve been lying awake for three hours.

Distraction is the answer. So in the early hours of today I started watching ‘Upstart Crow’ on BBC iPlayer. Bits of it are all right, but most of the time it feels like someone has lazily written a new version of Blackadder, borrowing a couple of characters from ‘The Office’ along the way.  Doubly disappointing when the person who wrote Blackadder – surely the finest historically-set comedy ever? – also wrote this. I smiled a couple of times, but that was all. It didn’t inspire me enough to want to watch the rest of the series, so tonight (assuming I am unable to drop off to sleep) I am going to have a look at ‘Ghosts.’ Philippa watched it when it was first broadcast and says it was very silly and very enjoyable.

Silly and enjoyable sounds like just what we all need right now, so I’ve lined that up for a look.

Love and good wishes, all.

RC 3-4-20

A rare display of optimism

I am sitting here in my office, overwhelmingly convinced that everything is going to be all right. I know everyone is scared, and I know the situation is going to get worse, possibly much worse, before it gets better, and I know a lot of people are going to face heartache, loss and financial despair, but I just think we’re going to get through it.

Amazing things are happening. Amazing advancements are being made. Amazing personalities are shining through from previously unnoticed people.

Human individuals succumb to disease, but humanity itself is resilient.

Plagues have ravaged centuries past and, even without modern medicine and advanced scientific understanding, Mankind found a way to overcome them.

I think I’m right in saying that World War One, and the Spanish flu that followed hot on its heels, wiped out one third of the world’s population in a decade. No family was unaffected. But society survived and recovered.  

World War Two took tens of millions of lives. Most countries brought in rationing. In Britain, cold winters after the end of the war ruined crops and meant some food was still scarce into the 1950s.

Britain, and all other nations, survived.

This may be a three-month affair, it may linger on over the Summer, it may all be over by Christmas or it may drag on indefinitely, as we crawl through 18 months of controlled existence until a worldwide vaccine is available.

We just don’t know.

But what I do know, today, is how I feel, and today I feel (foolishly?) hopeful.

RC 1-4-20