Cheered

And the good news is – this is the last day of January!

It’s felt like it’s crept up on me a little bit. My birthday feels like a lifetime ago, and yet Christmas seems like yesterday. I’ve been struggling with the darkness in the evenings, and yet time spent with Mathew just flies by. Maybe I’m in some weird state of altered mental understanding of temporal matters induced by an unrealised fever. Or maybe The Government are putting something in the water to keep us all subdued while they ruin our futures with their Brexit plans. Or maybe I’m just human, and it’s just life, and this is how things are. Time is a meaningless concept really, when you look at it properly. An hour is only really an hour if you’re paying attention to it passing. If you just get on with your existence and ignore what’s happening on the clock it’s hard to tell when one point in time becomes another, so why bother trying?

Sorry – I got off topic a bit there.

Tomorrow morning I will get to experience one of my favourite annual events – turning the calendar over from January to February, and feeling myself step forward towards Spring. Again – one month becoming another is a human construct and pretty pointless in the grand scheme of the universe, but psychologically it does me the world of good, and I welcome it.

It’s also led me to think of this:

My Five Favourite Days Of The Year:

February 1^st.

Philippa’s birthday.

All of Christmas Eve.

The first day it’s warm enough to buy an ice-cream from an ice-cream van.

The day in March when we turn the clocks forward. (BST DAY!)

RC 31-1-19

Eeee-yew

I had a meeting with a big supplier today to talk about how Brexit might affect fuel prices and deliveries. I spent most of the time thinking “What the Hell is going on? How has the world, and my life, reached a stage where I’m discussing contemporary politics, border controls and 40-year old trade agreements which may or may not come back into effect in a few weeks’ time?”

In the end I just said to the guy “I have to be honest, mate, most of this is beyond me.” He breathed a huge sigh of relief and said “Thank God. I’ve been doing these meetings all week and I really don’t have the faintest idea what we’re talking about.”

We spent the next hour drinking coffee and chatting about the upcoming Super Bowl.

I’m fairly intelligent and I like to pay attention when I can, but this whole out-of-the-EU palaver has just baffled and bored me beyond description. I think my plan from here until the end of March (or whenever the Hell it finally gets sorted out) is to ignore all the scare-mongering, shit-housing and shenanigans and just have faith that people with greater minds than mine will get it sorted and get us to a positive conclusion. I don’t really believe that will happen, but that attitude seems to be working for most of the British population so I’m just gonna go along with it.

RC 30-1-19

Longer observation

A lot of things that used to bother me don’t seem to be bothering me so much anymore, so maybe parenthood has chilled me out a little bit.

I’ll give you an example:

I looked at the weather forecast on the BBC Weather website this morning and it said ‘light sleet showers’ were expected around the area I work and live. By 11am it was snowing. Not light, little, fluffy ‘polystyrene balls’ snow, but the full-on ‘shit I may get stuck at work’ stuff. There was a time, not long ago, when that would have pissed me off: “Why didn’t they warn us this was coming? What if I get snowed in and have to stay in my office for three days? Think how messy the garages will be where unprepared drivers are traipsing mud and slush into them all day…”

Now though, I just watch it happen and let the World get on with it, which is strange because now I really do have a reason to be worried about getting stranded. “Who will protect Philippa and Mathew if I can’t get home to them tonight? What if they run out of food? What if this snowfall never ends and they’re buried under the blizzard and frozen solid, ending up resembling people from Pompeii (if they had lived in Siberia)?”

Another example is the way I am able to keep calm in the face of ridiculous complaints. Someone insisted on seeing me today because the handle on the diesel pump was covered in diesel. This young lady was extremely unhappy because her painted nails and manicured hands now smelt very vaguely of fuel. “Why don’t you supply gloves? Or ban truck drivers from using the pumps? I’m sure it’s them who cause the mess.” Previously I could have easily felt my blood boil and then condescendingly pointed out to her that there are plastic gloves available on every pump and that a huge percentage of our income arises from trucks, so banning them would lead to us closing down and then where would she go for the £10 of diesel she puts in her Fiesta every Monday?

But it didn’t bother me today. I just let her prattle on and thought “Who gives a shit? I’ve got a baby to go home to, and a wife who has never looked happier.”

Who knew parenthood would lead to a calmer life?

RC 28-1-19

Quick observation

“xXx: Return of Xander Cage” may just be the dumbest movie I’ve ever seen.

RC 28-1-19

Should I? Or Should I not?

Been wondering whether to set a challenge for myself, blog-wise, this year or just crack on and write them and see what happens. I don’t think I’ll be able to match last year’s output and I’m not really sure I want to try. Yes – there’ll be lots going on for me to write about – I am a parent now, after all - but I’d like to be getting on with it and enjoying it rather than having to compose a paragraph or two about it to be placed online for your reading pleasure.

Then again – 2018 was packed with big events like pregnancy and job changes and I found it helpful to be typing about it as it happened. It cleared my head and there were times where the act of writing stuff out in blog form led me to understand how I really felt about it all. So there you go – a bit of free advice from an unqualified, inexperienced psychologist: If You Want To Improve Your Mental Health – Start Blogging!!

RC 25-1-19

Cold Snap Haiku

Bright icy morning

Air chills my lungs from within

All can see my breath

Grass is crisp with frost

Welcome crunches underfoot

Musical Winter

Birds struggle for food

Squirrels dance atop the ground

Hunger drives them on

RC 24-1-19

Rory's Rule of Recurring Regularity

As you get older, things start to repeat themselves and you realise that human existence is basically a collection of patterns and spirals that swirl and swoosh in the currents of life before regularly rising to the surface. If you have your wits about you and have even an average level of intelligence, you’ll see that the same things come around again and again. Political stances, musical tastes, fashion; but also natural processes too – weather, cloud shapes, migrations.

I notice this and mention it because it was my birthday at the weekend, and it struck me that everyone around me always reacts to me in exactly the same way. I’m not sure why. It could be that we have a pre-programmed ‘Someone’s Birthday Gene’ that makes us respond that way, it could be that it’s a learned behaviour pattern based on our experiences on other anniversaries, or it could even be an example of kindness – people have spent time with me on birthdays before, remembered what made me happy, and then sought to repeat it the following year. That would be a nice thing, even if it’s happening subconsciously.

Anyway – my feeling is that it makes it harder and harder for me to be surprised, and harder and harder for me to find the buzz from things that used to give me enjoyment. An example would be my low-level interest in sports. I avoid the frequently-played, crack-for-the-masses games like football, cricket and rugby, but I do like to dip my nose in the trough for events like world championships, tennis Grand Slams and golf Majors. And this is normally a good time of year for me, because there’s a slew of biggies going on at a time when it’s too damn dark and too damn cold to go cycling or sit in the garden.

However….

The darts tournaments this year were won by Van Gerwen (again) and Durrant (again), the Australian Open tennis is almost certain to be won by Rafael Nadal or Novak Djokovic (again), and now the New England Patriots will be contesting the Super Bowl (again). I’m finding it all a bit uninspiring and boring.

Maybe “Logan’s Run” had the right idea – kill everyone off before their lives become too repetitive.

RC 22-1-19

Darkness-less-ness, and Dinner

I’m not a fan of Winter, as you know. But I have to say I’ve enjoyed the lovely, cool, calm, frosty mornings that we’ve had in the past few days. It’s not much fun having to de-ice the car shortly after getting up in the dark, but once the Sun is out everything looks sparkly and beautiful, and I don’t mind it being cold as long as it’s not wet or windy. Which it hasn’t been, so it’s good. I’m really noticing the difference late in the afternoon, too. Daylight is definitely clinging on for a few extra seconds each day and I can see it won’t be too long before I’m able to see across the fields while driving home! There’s a thought to warm the cockles of your heart and banish the naughty SADness from your psyche.

I’ve been cooking a lot more again recently. Philippa had taken over a bit in the past few months, especially since finishing work, because her taste buds did a lot of strange things during her pregnancy and she wanted to be able to eat what she fancied, rather than whatever ill-thought-out, thrown-together plate of assorted weirdness that I might place in front of her if I was in charge of the kitchen. Now though, with settled stomach and with overnight-breastfeeding-induced tiredness, she’s been happy to take a back seat and let me run amok with ingredients. I’m enjoying it. It’s nice to dip back into The Unpublished Collection Of Rory’s Recipes and brush up on my culinary skills whilst also getting the buzz of providing for my family.

I reckon that’ll last another week before I start resenting the fact that I have to come in from work and then tie myself to the cooker for an hour, so enjoy it while you’ve got it, kin.

RC 21-1-19

Many Happy Returns, me

Been a nice birthday, as it happens. Simple, pleasant, enjoyable. Felt longer than it was, even though I’ve crammed less stuff in than I normally do.

We went out for lunch in the end. Mathew came with us and slept through the whole thing! We got the usual onslaught of goo-ing strangers who can’t help themselves but look and go a bit goo-goo-ga-ga and then ask how old he is. It’s a weird turnaround for me – I used to hate talking to people I didn’t know, especially in out-in-the-real-world social settings, and if you’d told me a couple of months ago that I’d be facing it on an almost daily basis, I would have refused to become a parent and tried to find a way of plugging Philippa up so The Little One could never appear. But it’s nice. I’m enjoying the contact and the chance to show him off a bit. It’s not like the everyday contact that you’re sometimes forced to deal with. I suppose it’s different because it’s not confrontational and there’s no expectations – I don’t have to worry about finding something to say that doesn’t offend people, as we already automatically have a topic of discussion to build around. And I’m getting better at it because it’s happening more and more.

It does seem that carrying a baby around is akin to holding up a sign that says “PLEASE COME OVER AND TALK TO US.”

Philippa loves it too, but is finding it increasingly tiring. She’s got to take him into work tomorrow as the ladies there have insisted on seeing him. I’ve complained because it’s a doctor’s surgery and I’m worried about him picking up something horrible, but I’ve been assured that Philippa’s breast milk is full of protection, and so his immune system is effectively her immune system, so effectively he’s not a one-month old infant, he’s a woman in her early thirties. Not sure how that works, but the female members of my family have bullied me into believing it’s true, so let’s go with it.

RC 20-1-19

Parental list

NINE THINGS I’VE LEARNT SO FAR AS A FATHER:

No matter what your child is taking in, the contents of his nappy will look like a melted Feast mixed in with a melted Solero.

Babies can’t tell – and don’t care – whether it’s night or day.

When women see you with a newborn, they automatically smile.

When men see you with a newborn, they steer their girlfriends away from you.

Babies refuse to keep their legs still while you’re trying to change their nappy.

That bit around the belly button where they clip the umbilical cord and wait for it to die, scab and fall off is disturbing, disgusting and terrifying.

Babies screams are louder and higher in pitch during times when you’re trying to sleep.

It’s impossible for them to keep their eyes open while feeding.

Breast is best.

RC 18-1-19

17th already?

Yeah – it’s my birthday this weekend!

My sisters are coming round, but I am bracing myself for the fact that it won’t be a celebration of me hitting 35. It’ll be another round of goo-ing and gaa-ing and Sophie and Hannah fighting over who will be the next Chesworth to have a baby, while I nip back and forth to the kitchen making pots of tea, feeling neglected.

I’m not really sure whether to try and mark the occasion or not. Now we have The Little One my own birthday seems so unimportant and irrelevant. I’m also used to indulging in alcoholic beverages, all-night movies and poorly-chosen, unhealthy snacks. Not sure any of that fits in with 2am feeding times and early-morning nappy changes. Plus – it was just a habitual thing anyway. I’d plan a film and a decent bottle of wine because that’s what I’d done the year before and then I’d have a badly-behaved blow-out with friends and/or relatives because that’s the sort of thing that adults do on their birthdays.

Can’t be bothered this year, to be honest.

Mind you – it’ll also be the occasion of Mathew’s first calendar month passing, so we could have a joint party and Go For It together! One month for him, 35 years for me!

Yeah – sounds good. I’m going to go and persuade Philippa to bake us both a cake.

RC 17-1-19

Might snow by Sunday

It cheers me to think that we are on the way to Springtime. Nights are starting later now – noticeably on some days! – and we are mere moments away from packing up picnics and preparing to cover Mathew in Factor50 suncream.

Well – we’re halfway through January, at least.

There’s an annual thing that happens about this time. Everyone feels like shit, and wonders why, forgetting the fact that it’s MidWinter and we no longer have the excitement of Christmas to see us through the long, dark dullness. Just about every conversation I’ve had with someone in the past seven days has started with them saying “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but…” and then listed a long quota of symptoms that can all be explained by looking up ‘Low Mood’ and ‘Lack of Sunlight’ online.

I’m not complaining though – I’d be right there with you any other January, but this year I’m slightly distracted by the fact that we have a baby in the house.

(Had I mentioned the fact that I’m now a parent??????)

RC 16-1-19

Something I've noticed...

I’ve always found it very interesting to watch things become trendy or fashionable. At what point, I wonder, does something ‘new and unusual’ become ‘the thing you have to do or you’re just not one of the cool kids.’?

How many people, I also wonder, just jump on the latest ‘must-do’ bandwagon of behaviour without ever giving a thought as to why something started being done in the first place?

Are we all, socially speaking, merely sheep?

The new trend-de-la-jour seems to be for people to tuck a ten-pound note into their mobile phone case, but in a really obvious way, almost as if they’re being flash with it. I imagine the idea behind it is to always have a spot of cash on hand if you need it, but to me it’s just like saying “Here you go – I’ve put my communications device, my credit card, and my only other means of paying for anything in the same location so you can steal them all at once.”

Anyway – I’m hoping this is taking over as the ‘way to look importantly up-to-date’ and we can finally get rid of people ‘walking really fast with a cup of takeaway coffee in their hand to show just how busy and important they are’ trend.

God, I need some sleep.

RC 15-1-19

Downside of dad-ness

Just thinking I might have to sell my drumkit. I’m not sure that having me crash and bang in the garage while a toddler tries to sleep in the house will be workable.

RC 10-1-19

2 weeks since Boxing Day

I’ve been trying to catch up on some of the TV specials and films that we missed out on over Christmas. I hate to sound old and moany, but I have to say this – it was all a bit shit this year, wasn’t it? If you didn’t like slightly-different versions of the shit celebrity shows that have been on all year, and didn’t like watching episodes of the same shit soaps that you’ve been watching all year, then there really wasn’t much to get excited about.

Having said that – I’ve seen the first part of the BBC’s “ABC Murders” with John Malkovich as Poirot and I have to admit I enjoyed it immensely…

RC 9-1-19

Alternative insomnia

I’m a little bit worried about my sleep pattern at the moment. I’m not getting enough, I know, and it’s coming in strange patches. Nothing to do with Mathew crying or feeding or anything, more about my internal excitement and inability to switch my mind off. In times past, when plagued with insomnia, it would be a case of laying there KNOWING I wasn’t going to drop off and having to find things to do to occupy myself. Now, however, I’m not able to sleep BECAUSE I’ve got too much going on that I’m enjoying, and I don’t want to interrupt it all with something as inconsequential as sleep!

This is not a good attitude to have and I know it will cause me grief in the long run, but watching Mathew and Philippa cuddled up asleep together in a cosy bed is the most wonderful thing I have ever seen in my life. Nothing has ever given me greater emotional joy than sitting there watching them snoozing. Why should I stop doing that just for the sake of my own health????

RC 8-1-19

Something I just realised...

This is the TWELFTH calendar year in which I’ve blogged.

Jesus – that’s nearly a third of my life that I’ve been posting shit online!

RC 7-1-19

Back Into Life

I return to work tomorrow. I’ve been doing a lot of stuff on the computer at home, and I’ve done the odd visit for an hour or so at each location, and there’s been a lot of phone contact, but tomorrow I will return to my office, and my regular duties. It’ll be hard. I’ve been with Philippa and Mathew almost constantly and now I’ll be out of the way, but there we are – needs must. I have to say that everyone at work has been amazing – from my superiors who allowed to me to have two weeks off, to the duty managers elsewhere who gave up their festive festivities to cover for me, to my staff members who were keeping things ticking over in my absence. They’ve all been so supportive, and so nice.

I’m still finding it hard to process how much has changed and how quickly I’ve embraced it. When I was busy looking ahead and panicking about just about everything, going back to work was one of the things I most fretted about. How would I cope with leaving Philippa and the baby at home? What if I WANTED to get back because I was already fed up with Junior? Those are just two of about five hundred things I thought about; all of them negative. Now the time has arrived, it feels fine. I’ve been in my position since September and I’m comfortable with it. I am quite good at separating different aspects of my life, so when I’m a husband I’m a husband, and when I’m a manager I’m a manager, etc. So this should be just another case of compartmentalising different parts of my existence. I can be a help at home, then drive to work and click into work mode. Other people do it every day, so why shouldn’t I?

It's quite exciting in a way, if I’m honest. I do genuinely enjoy my new work set-up and I’m intrigued to see what will happen with it in the coming months. Now, when I’m there, I get to look forward to a baby waiting for me at home. It’s all good!

RC 6-1-19

Falling Into Routine

We’re slowly getting the hang of the new paradigm at home. Truth be told, it’s hard to imagine a time when we WEREN’T parents, even though it was only a few weeks ago. Amazing how quickly you can adapt and accept.

I should warn you that I might keep using the word ‘amazing’ in this particular posting because everything at the moment feels, well, amazing. Mathew is an absolute wonder and the effect he has had on Philippa is a joy to observe. I’ve never seen someone so happy, content and so certain that what they are doing right now is EXACTLY what they want to be doing, and what they are supposed to be doing. She is floating in a bubble of maternal perfection. She has found her place, and her calling. She has a glow, and an aura, and a calmness that I have never seen in her before, and never expected to happen.

As for The Little Fella, I just keep finding myself staring at him in amazement and finding it hard to believe that something so perfect could have come from such a messed-up, weirdly-shaped person as me. He doesn’t do a lot, but I’m still captivated by him. Even when he’s screaming the place down at 3am he is filling me with something I didn’t know I needed or had space for. All those doubts and fears and uncertainties I had during the pregnancy seem like distant memories now – silly thoughts that popped into the head of someone ill-prepared, immature and unsure, none of which I feel now. That person existed in a former lifetime. He was a non-parent.

If you are currently a man on his own journey towards Fatherhood, and you are finding it difficult to cope with and wondering whether you’re ready, or if you’ll be a suitable dad, or if you’ll even like your offspring, or any of those other awful thoughts that plagued me at times in the third trimester, I assure you you’ll be ok. You WILL be a good dad and you WILL start dealing with it when you have to. It’s a natural thing. It happens. Procreating, after all, is the only thing that everyone who has ever existed on this planet is designed to do. I truly believe that. The natural world wants us to go on existing, so every instinct inside us is geared towards producing and raising the next generation. It will be the same for you. And it will happen instantly. You will fall in love with your child the second you see it, and it will be a kind of love that annihilates anything you’ve experienced before. Remember a time when you fell in love with someone, and it was so deep that it actually hurt to look at them? Times that by about a hundred thousand and you’ll still be nowhere close to experiencing the sensations that will overcome you in Parenthood.

Amazing.

RC 5-1-19

Nappy New Year

I am very much looking forward to a 2019 full of family fun, parenting perfection and a child who sleeps for 12 hours a night without stirring….

But in the real world, I am anticipating a difficult time of uncertainty, perplexed parenting and surviving for long periods on very little rest.

Either way, it will be what it will be, and it will be wonderful.

RC 1-1-19