Long awaited calm

Today has seemed like a lovely, long day. It’s amazing how time seems less racy when you’re a bit more relaxed and your mind isn’t flying around inside your head doing thirty-seven things a second. I planned to cook lunch, but in the end we popped out and ate at a lovely little countryside place we have found nestled away in a quiet Suffolk corner. It’s a converted barn. The farmer’s wife is an ex-chef who has decided to get back into her love of cooking, now that all three of her children have grown up and graduated. So she runs the place, and shares kitchen duties with a young lad called Simon, who is mildly autistic (apparently) and struggled to achieve much with his studies, but is an absolute bloody whiz with an oven. Seriously – his roast potatoes make me want to turn myself into a gluttonous git and eat until I puke.

There’s a lovely family feel to the place. I don’t think they’re looking to make shed loads of money out of it – it’s more of a passion thing – so profit is a distant second on their list of priorities behind customer satisfaction. It is a bit pricier than other available eateries but believe me it’s worth the extra pennies. We’ve been four times now and we’re treated like regulars and friends.

So after stuffing ourselves there we were ready to head home and crash on the sofa. You may remember that Philippa is nearly seven months pregnant, so her energy levels are a bit odd and she appreciates an afternoon collapse every now and then. I’m just a lazy, middle-aged oaf who uses any excuse not to do anything so I sat beside her and massaged her feet while she caught up on a few episodes of some disturbing drama about a serial killer. I did think about taking my bike for a little jaunt this evening, but that gentle wind had a wintry bite to it so I cuddled up again, then made sandwiches. Now I am intending to watch some late-night NFL before succumbing to the warming balm of sleep.

And not once today did dreadful thoughts about work stuff invade my enjoyable happenings.

Bloody marvellous.

RC 30-9-18

Failed (then succeeded) in my sozzlement

I feel asleep last night, with barely a sip having been taken.

I’ve made up for it today, so I must confess to being a bit tipsy.

So instead of drivelling a load of old nonsense, here is some Initialoetry about ALCOHOLIC DRINK:

A lively concoction of happiness, often leading into confidence.

(Daybreak’s reality is not kind)

RC 29-9-19

I'm ok (for now)

It’s hard to believe that September is almost gone. For me, it has shot by in a hazy glazy daze of work stuff, work stuff and work stuff. Hour upon hour of discomfort, uncertainty and doubt, broken up by the odd minute here and there of panic, frustration or despair.

Now, on the cusp of October, I feel as if I am finally finding my feet, feeling my way and reaching some kind of plateau. I’m sleeping (a bit), I’m eating more than half a Weetabix before starting to feel sick and I’m able to get in the car in the morning without a shaky wave of dread exploding over my spine. It’s taken four full weeks, but I’ve stopped regretting my decision to stay and started enjoying the potentials.

More on that later.

For now, I intend to get myself well and truly sozzled in celebration of surviving the month without a breakdown (for me, Philippa or any member of my staff)

RC 28-9-18

What Is Life? (a poem)

What is life,

but a series of circumstances strange

A twisting, testing river of change

meandering through madness and merriment.

Equal measures of liberty; loss

A cross to bear; a bear to cross

And always, ever, eternally

plunging towards the dark of death.

RC 27-9-18

Showered with acorns

I had a breakthrough today. A strange moment where my head cleared and I realised ‘I know what I’m doing with this job – I don’t have to keep behaving as if I’m tight-roping over a cliff.’ The work that I have to do hasn’t changed in the slightest – I’m just doing it  over and over again instead of once in one location. I’m finding my way into a new routine, and it’ll take time to iron out the details, but I know what needs to be done and I can do it. I’M DOING IT!!

I’ve been overthinking everything, that’s the problem. (I know, I know – it sounds so very unlike me to be overthinking things!) I’ve been worrying about the 23 things I have to get done by the end of the week, instead of concentrating on doing the 1 thing that is immediately in front of me. Looking back, all that worry has been pointless, as the 23 things I needed to do each week have all been done on time, and I’ve got ahead with some other stuff too.

The title of this blog is based in the fact that I stopped the car on the way home for a little walk down a footpath, and nearly had the top of my head caved in by acorns the size of tomatoes. I only mentioned it because I noticed the acorns falling, and I took time to have a look at them and notice their size. Had it happened yesterday, before my moment of breakthrough at work today, I wouldn’t have noticed a bloody thing, I’d have been too busy staring into the future and finding things to worry about. Hell, I wouldn’t even have stopped the car to get out for a walk – I’d have been ploughing along in the car with my head still back in the office.

My mind has noticeably changed!

My appetite has returned, too. Less than two hours after a large tea, I just made myself a toast-based treat that I would heartily recommend – cover freshly toasted bread with a spreading of mayonnaise, then grate medium strength cheddar over the top, and sprinkle with some ground black pepper. Chuffing lush, as the kids might say (if their parents were an uneducated woman from Essex and a building site labourer from London)

I’m back, baby!

Well – not back exactly, but I’m getting there.

RC 26-9-18

Giving myself a break

I’m going to have to give up this month as a ‘Bit of a Blog no-show’ and just send you a few lines here and there when I can. I need to keep reminding myself that I don’t get paid to be a writer, and that there isn’t a ‘Blogsphere Police’ who might kick my door in if I don’t post 20 times in September. I’m pretty sure everyone everywhere will understand that a big change in work situation can be a bit of a distraction (to say the least) from flighty fanciful online musings, and will wait patiently for me to return to form. Well – as much form as I ever had…..

I keep finding myself staring at a list of 16 things I need to get done within an hour at work, and then thinking ‘oh shit – I need to write a blog as well…’ WELL I DON’T! No offence to you, but that shouldn’t be something that’s concerning me when I’m already two days late sending a Christmas order and three days late arranging a meeting with another manager. So this is the way it will be a for a short while I’m afraid.

Sorry about that, and sorry for mentioning Christmas already when it’s not yet the end of September!!!

RC 24-9-18

My Mind goes back to Maths

It hit me last night that I am on course to break my streak of 20-blogs-a-month during 2018. I have so far posted 9 times during September, and there are only 10 days to go. So even if I churn out a missive a day I will fail to hit my never-really-agreed-upon-but-sort-of-being-aimed-for target. So do I drop a couple of ‘double-up’ days where I post morning and evening, thereby taking myself over 20 blogs for the month, or will that just make me a dirty cheat? Should I just accept that my online ambitions have been scuppered by the MASSIVE upheaval that has occurred in my work life? It’s hard to know what to do for the best and I fear I will spend a couple of hours during tonight mulling it over.

As if I didn’t have enough stuff to think about already….

RC 21-9-18

Lazy list - longer later

I will get back to posting some decent, well-written, thought-through contemplations for you some point soon, but I’m still getting used to the new routine, and having to deal with forty different things from forty different people at four different sites while simultaneously trying to convince my bosses that I’m coping, so most of my mental efforts are being directed into all that and I have little energy left to be creatively typing.

In the meantime – here is a list of some positive aspects of my new job:

I get to move about a lot, rather than being stuck in one location.

I’m seeing parts of Suffolk I haven’t had a chance to explore since we moved here.

I like driving, and have downloaded some new music choices now that I’ll actually have a chance to listen to them.

I’m no longer working weekends (see previous e-mail from Sun 9^th) and it’s the first time this has been true since I started full-time employment!!!!

RC 20-9-18

Pain

The biggest news I can give you from the past few days is that I bit a big chunk out of my bottom lip on Sunday while eating roast pork, then during dessert tonight I cleverly bit directly into the ulcer that had formed. It happened two hours ago and my eyes are still watering and I can still taste blood.

Life can be a sadistic bitch sometimes.

RC 18-9-18

Delayed by de-lunacy

September may bring an end to my run of 20 blog posts per calendar month. I’m struggling to string two words together into a coherent part of a sentence, much less come up with a sequence of paragraphs that make sense. My brain is all curfudgulated with too much work stuff and (possibly – if this is even possible) female pregnancy hormones that I’ve symbiotically absorbed from my wife. Instead of wanting to write for you, I just want to take my mind out of my head and leave it in the freezer overnight while I lay down in a hammock somewhere with margueritas and a Bond novel.

RC 17-9-18

Moment of Clarity

As I hovered on the edge of the sofa, and on the edge of sleep, this evening, this rather startling realisation plopped itself into my consciousness:

I think "Mission: Impossible - Fallout" may now be my favourite Bond film.

RC 11-9-18

The Confusion of Being Me

Is it really only Monday evening? I’ve lost track of reality because my insomnia roared back into my existence between 2am and 5am this morning and I now feel as if I’ve been sitting inside an activated tumble dryer for an hour. It was weird; quite unlike previous bouts of sleeplessness. I literally bolted back into consciousness as if an aeroplane had crash-landed on the house next door. Wide awake within a nanosecond, and with a heart rate somewhere close to 150 beats per minute. Very odd. I suspect Philippa may have hooked me up to an intravenous supply of concentrated Red Bull while I was asleep. I can’t think of anything else that may have caused it. The main problem with all this sort of thing is that you spend the rest of the day in a weird state. It’s like you’ve stayed awake for 3 days, then run an uphill half-marathon, then slept for 36 hours straight. Everything hurts and your mind feels like it belongs in someone else’s head.

Should I get an early night to try and make up the hours? Or will that just lead me to wake up even earlier, and doom me to a midnight-3am spell of staring at the ceiling while traumatising thoughts dance through my head like Ryan Gosling dancing through ‘La La Land’?

Philippa thinks I should pop to see our GP for a chat. (not now, obviously, but soon). But I think I know what would happen:

DR: “Could be stress related. Anything particularly mentally taxing been happening?”

RORY: “Well I’m three months away from meeting my first child and I’ve just taken on a new job title with more responsibility and I feel completely under-able to cope with either situation alone, much less both together.”

DR: “Hmmm. We may have found your problem. You should try yoga.”

No thanks.

RC 10-9-18

Back to the Old..

Today has been a delight. It helped that the weather was a bit warmer. Very breezy but it wasn’t a cold wind so it almost (almost!) felt like late Summer, rather than the Autumn/January feel we had yesterday.  It only struck me today (about six weeks after I got my promotion) that I no longer have to work weekends! If there’s a cataclysmic emergency I might have to drag myself in somewhere, but in theory everything should be under the auspices of the ‘Senior Staff Member’ (I’m still not sure of the workforce layout, even though I’m running it) so they’ll get a call before me, especially if it’s just a staffing issue. Several times since becoming a Filling Station Manager I’ve had to haul myself in at short notice because someone was ill. Not any more!

My mood has also been improved by the return of the NFL. New season started on Thursday, with the first full round of games happening today! Unfortunately I won’t be able to return to my occasional habit of sitting up all night watching the 1am game, but that’s a small price to pay really. I’m currently cleaning my car while listening to the pre-match build-up on TalkSport2, so life couldn’t be much better. Well – unless I had someone else cleaning my car for me, but I refuse to pay £7 just to have someone wipe a cloth over my bumpers. Things might also be better if I had a gorgeous wife indoors currently cooking me a roast tea…. Which I do, so life is bloody dandy and rosy!

RC 9-9-18

Into the New..

I’ve been immensely tired today, and yet mentally buzzing. I guess it’s all a result of the week I had – getting into a new routine and trying to learn 547 things in 5 days. I have tried, under instruction and suggestion from Philippa, to take it as easy as possible and let my body recover and my mind slow down a wee bit. Easier said than done, but I’ve given it my best shot. It helps that the weather has been decidedly late-Autumnal: surprisingly cold and very drizzly, so I haven’t felt much like cycling or having a walk to a pub somewhere.  We bummed around the house discussing baby stuff (obviously!) and I got to spend some time in the kitchen cooking. Philippa has done evening meals all this week because I’ve been getting in later, for obvious work-related reasons. So it was nice for me to be able to take my time and put together a monster stir-fry while listening to an NFL podcast. Philippa only got three forkfuls into the meal before her pregnant stomach turned and she had to stop eating, but that’s ok. More than ok, actually, as it means I can have re-fried leftovers for lunch tomorrow!

Tonight is all about watching a movie. I can’t decide between “Spotlight” on BBC2 and “Solace” on Film4. So its either two hours of heavy drama about a child sex abuse scandal, or two hours of a gory psychological thriller about a serial killer. And I’m supposed to be relaxing and switching my mind off???

RC 8-9-18

Seat Of My Pants

Things seem to be going well with the new job stuff, but it does rather feel like I’m making everything up as I go along. Thankfully I seem to be doing that without anyone realising I’m doing it, so it’s so far, so good. I thought Head Office, or at least my Area Manager, might have been checking up on me all the time but they seem content to let me get on with it without peering over my shoulder all the time. If anything, they’ve gone a bit too far the other way for my liking – I almost feel like I have no support or safety net. I’ve managed to get to each of the three new locations under my control and no-one has greeted me with contempt or treated me with hatred. There’s quite a bit of egg-shell walking going on but I’m confident that will settle down. I hate the phrase ‘feeling each other out’ – it’s always brought horrible images to my mind due to its obvious sexual connotations – but it does strike me as a good description of what’s happened this week. My new employees and I are getting used to each other, seeing what we can do and say and what we can’t, and trying things on to see how they fit. I know most of that last sentence doesn’t make sense, but it’s been that kind of a week for me….

RC 6-9-18

Feels Like Autumn (a poem)

Chilly

A bite to the air, like the bite you might get from an overexcited lover

Damp

Morning walks lead to wet feet and uncomfortable socks

Darkening

Nights pulling in, like a seagull pulling on a dead fish trapped in a net

Sniffly

Feeling on the verge of a bastard cold, even though it’s only just September…

RC 4-9-18