An idea for tomorrow

In France, on April Fool’s Day, the fun tradition is that you have to stick a paper fish onto someone’s back without them feeling it so they walk around for a while without knowing it’s there. I’m hoping it’s also a tradition to shout “APRIL FISH!” at them as they walk past (whatever that would be in French.)
I’ve decided that anyone who comes into the garage tomorrow with a paper fish stuck to their back can have a free tank of petrol and a Cadbury’s Crème Egg. I think it’s one of the best ideas I’ve had in my time as a manager, especially when you consider that ’m not working tomorrow, so I won’t have to give away a thing…
And that’s my twenty-ninth blog posting this month, and that is a brand new record. 

RC 31-3-17

Parenthood pending, or just Spring soppiness?

I can’t believe how much I’m coming around to the idea of being a dad. I haven’t had this conversation with Philippa yet (because I know that as soon as I do she’s going to go headfirst into the pool marked LET’S GET PREGNANT NOW!!!) but I’m running out of reasons not to do it, and gaining more entries on the list marked ‘Positive Factors.’ I think it would be fun, I think it would be truly wonderful to share an experience like that with someone like Philippa, and I think it is, after all, the only real purpose we have on this planet - to ensure our population continues. 
There are still, though, those nagging doubts and fears that are holding me back from taking the plunge completely. But maybe they’re just natural reactions from a male mind determined to clasp onto its last few spots of freedom and independence. I felt this way about starting a relationship, then about moving in together, then about getting married, and all those things have worked out ok haven’t they? Would parenthood be so different? After all - it’s not like this time we’re committing the rest of our lives to raising a human being that will be totally reliant on us for sustenance, guidance and protection is it?

RC 30-3-17

Stretching nights, and Silver Lights

I had my first after-work cycle of the year today! So nice to have lighter evenings, and it’s only going to get brighter and better. Tonight I thought it would be nice to take myself off down one of the many bridle paths that litter our local countryside. Two things put a dampener on my enthusiasm quite quickly though - a) It was waterlogged and boggy, and b) I got about three miles then remembered we had a band rehearsal tonight…. So I had to turn myself round, pelt it home and have a quick shower and a sandwich before heading off to The Hall. 
The girl who is organising the whole event has designed a lovely poster! She said “I didn’t know if you had a band logo, so I designed one for you, just to make it look more professional.” It looks great! Hard to describe to you really, so I shan’t even bother trying. But it gave us all a great lift. So much so that we spent the first hour of our rehearsal time looking at it and discussing whether we should get it printed on matching T-shirts for us all to wear… Glad it’s not just me who gets distracted then….

RC 29-3-17

a little rant (just a little one)

I hate to keep labouring this point about fruity teas... but the last couple of times I’ve gone out to a coffee shop and had a drink, they had a good selection of ‘alternative’ infusions. Echinacea, rosehip and camomile may sound like characters from an American childrens’ TV show, but apparently they’re flavours that people enjoy when they’re left to stew in hot water for a while. The thing is - they use teabags made by a company called Clipper, and I know this because they have them on display on the counter so you can choose which ones you fancy. Well, we sell boxes of Clipper products in the supermarket, and you can get 20 in a pack for about £2. So isn’t it taking the piss a bit when the Conservatory Café (for example) are using one bag at a time and charging you £1.70 for it???
I know it’s only comparable to some of the mark-ups we have in my garage, but it’s not as much fun when it’s happening to me….

RC 28-3-17

Unusual art

With this sickness bug thing still making the local headlines (two schools within driving distance of the garage have been closed today to allow for ‘deep cleaning’) I’ve been trying to answer that age-old question - “What’s the worst combination of foods to have in your stomach if you’re minutes away from throwing up?” I’m thinking about colour and texture here, not the effects they’ll have on your system.
The best I can come up with is - Weetabix, noodles and kidney beans, washed down with a pint of Guinness. Imagine bringing that lot back up before it’s had a chance to be digested……

RC 27-3-17

Mother's Day/BST crossover special

Philippa and I stopped off at a garden centre on our way to see her mum today. We found a suitable present a lot quicker than we expected to, so we decided to sit in the lovely conservatory coffee shop they have for a sneaky scone and a cuppa. (I’m pleased to report I had the English Breakfast pot-for-one, rather than one of the 70-odd different choices of fruity flavours they had on offer.) It was a very pleasant snack in a very pleasant setting, but there was one thing about the whole scenario that would put me off ever going back again.
The lady who served us stank really badly of garlic.
She had a lovely smile and a good manner, but as soon as she spoke we were knocked over backwards by a wave of putrid breath. It was like drowning in the end-of-day run-off from a massive French restaurant. 
And it lingered. I could taste it. My scone was nice but it was like I’d smeared it with garlic butter.
What really hacks me off is that chewing parsley is supposed to be a good way to nullify the smell of garlic, right? She works in a garden centre, for fecks sake, how hard would it be for her to find some parsley?

RC 26-3-17

Now wash your hands

There’s been a terrible sickness bug going around the area that is ripping the heart out of Primary Schools. You may wonder why I deem it worthy of mention, so let me just remind you that two of my part-time staff are parents who can only work daytime hours while their little ones are off being educated. If offspring are incapacitated, mother is unable to come to work, so the knock on effect is that we were down on numbers yesterday and had to re-jig rotas and consequently I’m in covering another Saturday.  To amuse/distract myself I have gone back to my sometimes-mentioned, often-tinkered-with epic poem that I started back in 2013. Sort-of inspired by the work of Lewis Carroll, it is currently sitting firmly in my “Bitten Off More Than I Can Chew” file and is on target to be completed sometime in 2047.
As a warm-up and a practice before I set sail upon it again, here is some Saturday haiku:

Saturday working
With so many customers
I won’t get a break

Sitting at my desk
I dream of visiting France
And drinking fine wine

My fave dinosaur
Is an ornitholestes
Or a fat T-Rex

RC 25-3-17

haiku about something I'd rather ignore

Terror in London
A nasty attack thwarted
A policeman gone

RC 24-3-17

simple things, simple changes

One of my greatest pleasures in life right now is eating garibaldi biscuits dunked in liquorice tea.
When did I start loving flavoured teas, by the way? I - who would always opt for full-strength caffeinated PG Tips over millennial hippie ‘perfume in a mug’ shit? 
What has become of me?
Next I’ll be foregoing bacon sarnies in favour of granola….

RC 23-3-17

Initialoetry special

The head Englishwoman.
Rejects egotistical Scottish autonomy. 
Maybe alliance yields?

RC 22-3-17

Equinox paradox

Can’t believe it’s officially Spring. Yesterday had such a biting wind that I had to nip back home to get a jumper at lunchtime. We had that awful British blanket-of-grey cloud cover all day and every so often rain showers would batter the windows. I know it’s brighter today, but it’s still only 8 degrees Celsius according to my office thermometer thing. Any chance of an early Summer heat wave, oh mighty Gods of the weather????
By the way - I know it’s too late now, but wouldn’t “A Biting Wind” have been a good name for our band?

RC 21-3-17

Silver Lights Live (4 weeks today...)

We had a thoroughly enjoyable three-hour band rehearsal last night. I turned up terrified and wanting to call the whole thing off, but once we got going I got into it and enjoyed myself. We already have four songs that are pretty much playable, so if all else fails we can just do those on repeat and complete a 90-minute set that way. Would people, even drunk, get fed up with “Summer of ‘69” if it came round five times in one evening? I guess we’ll find out soon… 
The gig itself is Easter Bank Holiday Monday. I’m worried that people won’t be drinking enough because they’re back to work the next day, but apparently that was the only day that weekend when the pub wasn’t doing something else in the function room. The ‘event’ starts quite early though, so hopefully the attitude will be ‘we’ll get hammered by the evening then go home and sleep it off.’ Other people’s behaviour is beyond my control, of course, but imagining scenarios where everything goes how I want it to is helping to offset my nerves and lack of self-belief. 
I have to say it’s nice to have something to occupy myself with on a dull Sunday evening, and I’m finding it helps a lot with the old ‘Monday Morning’ blues as well. It’s not so much of a trial dragging myself out of bed and into the garage for another week when I’m still buzzing from having a music session the night before. 
I have to say too, that this work expansion thing seems to be turning out ok after all. I mean - I’d never admit that my pessimism was misplaced and my superiors may have known what they were doing after all..,.. but we seem to have taken the changes in our stride and everyone seems to be happy. I had imagined that anyone willing to work overnight would be a drugged-up dreggy drongo, but in fact our two new members of staff are both terribly pleasant and very clever - they just happen to have lifestyles and circumstances that fit nicely with them working unsociable hours. They’ve slotted in well, they’ve picked up the various aspects of the job very quickly, and it’s all hunky-dory and Hurrahsville so far.  What I want to do now is get them involved with the other members of the team so they’re not just working on an isolated island of overnight employment and can actually feel like they’re part of something. But I‘m finding it difficult. How do you organise a social event for a group of people who all work different shifts on different days and between them cover 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
Maybe we can close the garage on Easter Monday and get them all to come to the gig. 

RC 20-3-17

March halted

I’m really disappointed that I missed a day of blogging this week. My first day this month without posting.  I actually thought of it at about quarter past midnight.  I was laying in bed and my eyes popped open and I thought “Ah, shit.” I did consider getting up and typing something quickly but then I thought “It won’t count. The date on the website will clearly show FRIDAY instead of THURSDAY so technically speaking I’d have already gone a complete day on the calendar without posting something.” I know it’s not hugely significant in the grand scheme of things, but things like that feel important to me and I was exciting by the possibility of achieving a long-held ambition to write 31 times in 31 consecutive days, all within a calendar month. 
Never mind, I guess. Just another crushing blow to my already fragile mental state…. I’ll find a way to cope, no doubt. 

RC 18-3-17

Speed - a poem (of sorts)

Christmas is my favourite time of year, and it passes by quicker than a bullet train.
March is my favourite month, and it’s disappearing quicker than alcohol at a teachers party.
Why do the things I love most spend the least amount of time in my presence?
While the things I detest drag on like a drag queen driving a drag racer?
Einstein had a theory about it. He called it his “Theory of Stupid Time Shit”
(This is Ralph Einstein, by the way, a guy I once met at a bar in Swindon)
That meeting is a case in point, really.
Swindon was a dump, and a day there in poor company felt like a lifetime,
while when I spent  a week in Austria with Philippa, we seemed to be climbing back on a plane as soon as we’d stepped off the first one. 
Enjoyment.
Time.
Boredom.
Location.
They seem to have strange effects on each other.
I call them “The Four Sides of the Life/Hate Triangle”
And that’s it.

RC 17-3-17

Drumsticks and Daycare

We had another band get-together this evening. Philippa says she’s already sick of being a ‘rock wife’ and sitting at home while I’m out playing with my musicmaker chums. I told her I’d give her a baby soon so she had something to look after and keep her company while I’m rehearsing/touring/partying. That cheered her up, a little. I have to say some of us are taking it a bit too seriously this time. I understand that it’s a ‘bigger gig’ but even so…. wasn’t the whole reason for us saying ‘yes’ based on how much we enjoyed each others company last time? Which only happened because we were having a laugh and not expecting too much of each other? One week in and there are tensions and ego clashes already. I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come, or Philippa won’t be home on her own for too many evenings in the future coz I’ll chuck it all in and go solo!

RC 15-3-17

Ceiling synonyms

Long story; not going into it now; but I had a conversation with a 9-year-old today in which we came up with alternative names for the roof of your house. These are the ones I can remember:

Ski-slope for ravens
House lid
Rainbouncer
Oppositey-floor-thingy
Invertio roofasorium

Don’t ever tell me my time at work is wasted….

RC 14-3-17

Rant

What the Hell are American actresses doing to their faces and why isn’t there more of an outcry about it? I saw an interview with Nicole Kidman today and she doesn’t look like Nicole Kidman anymore, she looks like someone wearing a badly-fitting Nicole Kidman mask. I know women say they’re under more and more pressure to look younger, but if they all keep buying into it how will it ever change? There seems to be a conspiracy of silence among all members of the entertainment world where everyone knows what’s going on, but no-one is going to mention it. Why aren’t chat show hosts introducing them as guests then saying “WHAT have you done to yourself???” Why aren’t newspapers - normally obsessed with printing photos of celebrities if they dare to be human and show  a few signs of cellulite - putting ‘before and after’ pictures next to each other and print and saying “Hey - spot the difference, anyone?” It doesn’t even look realistic. They don’t look any younger, they just look even more false. If our planet gets visited by alien life forms a few centuries hence, and mankind has been and gone, but there are still images and film clips left from around 2017, then the visitors will think we evolved rapidly in the 21st century to become a race of inexpressive, plastic, high-cheekboned mannequins that vaguely resemble young ladies. 
I understand it must be hard for women approaching later middle-age, working in an industry where once you’re out of your twenties you’re seen as past it, but surely it’s time one of them stood up and said “No, sorry. Hire me for my abilities or reject me for my looks but I’m not going under the knife for anybody.”
And again - WHY ISN’T ANYONE TALKING ABOUT IT?? 
I guess the women themselves are understandably terrified that their career will fall into a chasm. If they resist the trend they’re unemployable, if they speak up against it they’re finished. So they go ahead with the surgery. It’s a terrible position for them to be in and we have to be sympathetic, but it sets a terrible example and If it’s not being highlighted and ridiculed, what can we do about it?

RC 13-3-17

Sunday sillies

There once was a young man called Rory
Who had an unusual story
He was born in a bin
And committed no sin
So ended up not voting Tory. 

The band, by the way, ended up going with the name “Silver Lights”
Funny how things turn out, no?

RC 12-3-17

Decade-long dream about to be realised?

Whisper it quietly, but….
You do realise I’ve posted a blog every day so far in March? 

RC 11-3-17

Hopefully, the last hoop...

I know I promised not to moan about work anymore, and I think I’ve done quite well on that front for the past week or so, but I do have to share this one with you or it’ll fester in my head and ruin my weekend.
Our new-look forecourt has its ‘official grand re-opening’ on Monday. A few bods from Head Office will say a few words before hopefully pissing off to have a boozy lunch by the coast. I tried to get them to book my band to play at the ceremony but they didn’t go for it. There’ll be a photographer and I have to wear a suit and apparently it’ll be pride of place on the company website and the monthly newsletter. Beyond the woefully-out-of-touch-with-the-common-man superiors at Head Office, does anyone really give a shit? Customers aren’t impressed, they just want cheap milk and petrol. My staff are sick of the disruptions and miss the old tills, and I just want to be left alone to run my little domain as I see fit. 
There, I feel better now. Thank you for listening. Tomorrow I promise a return to frivolity, and a blog about curious onion facts or something to do with willies. 

RC 10-3-17

unexpected return of Initialoetry

You take the first letter of each word in the poem, and written down in order of appearance they spell the title and subject of the poem. 
It’s back, and here are my efforts…

Coming happiness!
Abandoning naughty ‘Greenwich’
Exciting times hence
Everyone cheer!
Lashings of cold-killing Spring

(I haven’t done this for a while, remember, so please don’t expect Seamus Heaney.)

I need dioralyte in gallons everyone.
Stomach tightness is ostracising niceness.

And one more for luck…

Finally… rest. I’m dancing again. Yo!
Thus opens my orifice, 
readily receiving old whiskey

RC 9-3-17

Advertising opportunity?

It can be quite scary when people tell me they’ve been reading my blog and quote it back to me. I had a call from the keyboard player (and presumptive band leader) today. He updated me on the latest gig info and suggested we all turn up for rehearsal on Sunday with three song suggestions and the appropriate chords. He then said he didn’t really like any of my name ideas, but accepted that choosing a title for the band was an important issue and one we should try to tackle by the end of the weekend.  We then had this exchange:
He: “Why did you title that blog ‘silver light’?”
Me: “Actually it was meant to say ‘silver lining.’ I guess my mind switched off and I typed it wrong.”
He: “Sounds like a great name for a band though, doesn’t it? SILVERLIGHT”
Me: “Yeah, but isn’t it already taken?”
He: “Nope. I checked. Only use of Silverlight is for Microsoft.”
Me: “Well that’s the end of that then”
He: “Why?”
Me: “I can’t see Microsoft letting anyone use their intellectual property as a name for a covers band”
He: “F**k ‘em. They can’t copyright the English language. We’ll pretend we didn’t know.”
Me: “It’s on every computer on Earth. It’ll be hard to convince anyone we weren’t aware of its existence. It would be like claiming you’d never heard of air.”
He: “We’re in a village pub in Suffolk. They’re the biggest company on the planet. Are they really going to give a shit?”
Me: “I don’t know. These megalomaniac CEOs get pretty possessive.”
He: “See you on Sunday numbnuts.”
Band life is such fun.

RC 8-3-17

Welcome distraction

Not that I get little obsessions that overwhelm my life and dominate my thoughts or anything, but I’ve spent today at work thinking of suitable names for our little band. I’ve already rejected about 50, but these are the ones I’ve written down and stuck with… and I’ve even gone to the effort of ranking them according to my own individual preferences. (I’ve also designed logos to go with each of them, not that I get carried away with these things you understand)

Lottery Win
The Everprints
Three Men and a Maybe
Suffolk Sharp
Sloths

And my favourite so far…

The Bland Band

RC 7-3-17

silver light; little acorns

Our little band that we threw together last year have got another gig! Are you ready for this?: having performed at an amateur school theatre club Christmas play extravaganza we are now providing the entertainment for a fundraiser at a pub. Talk about going up in the world! Talk about your career moving in the right direction! This time next year we could be headlining a Village Hall Summer Fete. 
One of the other guys in the band knows someone who is running the London Marathon next month, and they’re not happy with how the sponsorship money is failing to roll in. So they’ve decided to put on an evening of silly games and raffles and dance competitions and such, and then we’ll play for an hour at the end so people can have a bit of a boogie and get drunk enough to chuck all their spare money in the collection tin. When I say ‘in a pub’ I should point out that it’s quite a large establishment, and we’ll be performing in the function room at the back, which is big enough to hold 200 people. It’s not like we’ll be squeezed into the corner of a bar playing songs to an old man and a family having lunch. So now we have to get together regularly to work out a set list, and practise it, and also to do important stuff like come up with a catchy name and decide what outfits to wear. Rock and roll isn’t easy, you know. You don’t just show up, pick up your sticks, nail it for two hours then disappear to a hotel room with teenage groupies and a bag of drugs. You have to put some effort in to get the good stuff!

RC 6-3-17

Serious science

You know what we need from the next stage of human evolution?

A self-cleaning arse.

RC 5-3-17

Joke? Conundrum? Nothing?

Yesterday’s blog made me think of something:
There is a reported ‘fact’ that in the average British household, you are never more than six feet away from a spider…..
Shouldn’t that be ‘eight feet’?????????

RC 4-3-17

as promised...

TEN MADE UP FACTS ABOUT ANIMALS

The smallest known species of wasp has a nest that is smaller than a hummingbird’s iris.
Jason Statham has a tattoo of a piglet on his knee.
Mesopotamian penguins were 47 feet in length and existed on a diet of Scrabble tiles.
If you microwave a hippo’s earlobes they react like a piece of popcorn.
The Finnish word for ‘Venison’ is ‘Taystihedjhorss’
Male Latvian wrangle goats have tongues that glow in the dark.
It takes 17,000 pelicans to make a bowl of birds nest soup.
One in every four insects on Earth is a lapsed Catholic.
The only animal hardy enough to exist in a lava-filled vacuum is a rare breed of dog called a Poodleschmidtt.
Domesticated sheep are so stupid that if you asked one to swallow a crossbow bolt it would thank you and marry your daughter. 

RC 3-3-17

"Ignoring Reality" - a poem

Why do I believe that March will be fine?
Why do I convince myself that Winter will be short; Spring a joy; Summer a long, slow season of plenty; Autumn a golden dream?
Thirty-plus years of existence prove me wrong
And yet still I hope

Every St. David’s Day I awake enthused
Expecting 18 degrees and a balmy breeze
Imagining an end to cold and dull
Then I open the curtains….

Painful truth is always a shock
When it slaps your face like a right hook from Ali
But the pain is greater when the truth is further from the expectation
From the never-appearing fabrication of my mind

Such is my life
A chasm between my hopes and my happenings

RC 2-3-17

Turning...

I’ve decided I need to ditch the idea of using this blog as an outpouring of my work woes, and get back to doing the fun stuff. Remember the days of Initialoetry? (see Jan 2012 if you’re not familiar…) or making up facts about animals? THAT’S what I need to get back to. That’s what this blog should be about. Not a 30-something manager whingeing on about the banality of his day-to-day trudge, but an entertaining distraction from your OWN cares and chafes, written by someone who uses it as a way to take himself away from the daily ennui and erraticness.
A lot of that didn’t make sense but I think, maybe, this blog is much more fun when it DOESN’T make sense, so here’s to a new attitude…. (or a return to an old one), (or both)

RC 1-3-17