Hellowe'en Dream

I had an awful dream last night.
I had biked to attend what I thought was a fireworks display, only to discover that it was actually Donald Trump’s Presidential Election Victory Celebration. It turned out that on the eve of the vote, Hillary Clinton had decided to leave her husband and shack up with Trump to form what she called ‘The Ultimate Sex-Led Power-Party in American Political History’ She looked strangely younger and thinner than in real life, but I guess that’s what happens when you sell your soul to the devil.
I tried to bike away from it all but my wheels were stuck in mud and no matter how hard I pedalled I couldn’t get anywhere. Then a guy came over dressed like Ronald McDonald and said “I’d stay where you are mate. Why race off? The blast from a hydrogen bomb travels 20 miles so it’s not as if you’ll escape with your life intact.”
I knew I shouldn’t have watched that late night documentary. It put strange worries in my head that my subconscious obviously tried to eviscerate in the dreamsphere. 
Sometimes I wish I was thicker, so I’d only dream about things like chocolate and midgets wrestling. 

RC 31-10-16

Book review

Done it. Completed one of my challenges. This weekend. I’ve read the first Harry Potter book.
I found it a bit childish.

RC 30/31-10-16

blah, blah, blah

What a beautiful day to go cycling. 
Perfect for it really - still, no rain, dry roads, no wind, no blinding low sun. Perfect. So it’s a shame I missed out by having to go into work this morning. So many people are down with this shitty flu bug that we’re all working extra and still sitting short-staffed. So when I got a call at 5.45 am telling me Bethan was unable to make her shift I wasn’t in the least bit surprised. I wasn’t in the least bit suspicious, either. All my employees have their faults as people, but as members of a team I have nothing to complain about. No-one takes an unjust sicky, no-one drops us in it at short notice and no-one craps on one of their workmates to make life better for themselves. They’re all stars. I give myself a bit of credit for this and say that a lot of their attitude is the consequence of my skills as a leader. I treat them with respect, I have their backs at all times and I never ask them to do anything that a) I wouldn’t be prepared to do myself and b) they won’t benefit from in some way. But it does hack me off a bit when I have to travel in to cover one of them on the last day of BST and miss the last chance this year for me to take myself cycling and not have to worry about being back before teatime. 
Mind you, I’ve been home 15 minutes and there’s still 3 hours of daylight left, but instead of getting my bike out and saving as much of the day as I can and enjoying it I’ve now wasted several minutes sitting here moaning about it, so who is really to blame? 

RC 29-10-16

"Event TV" drives me to suicide

I lost Philippa for two hours last night to the final of the Great British Bake-Off. I didn’t even know she was interested in it, but apparently she’s been watching all the episodes on iPlayer at work and was determined to see the final ‘live.’ 
I had two choices - sit beside her and watch this drivel unfold or get the Hell out of there and hide myself in the garage. So I picked up my sticks and practised my Christmas drumming. I wasn’t happy about it. Why should I be ousted from my own home just so my wife can waste her life watching something with no intellectual value whatsoever; just so she can keep up with the thing that everyone else is keeping up with, not because they enjoy it, but because they don’t want to be the only person at work who didn’t see it and therefore can’t feel part of the masses by joining in with the banal conversations about who should have won and who shouldn’t have?
See - I don’t even watch it, and my intelligence and ability to write short, coherent sentences has been severely dumbed-down anyway, simply by my knowledge of it’s existence. 
I know different people have different viewing tastes, but why waste time on something that teaches you nothing, expands you not one little bit, and just adds to the mindless mire of modern mankind, when you could be reading a well-written book or watching Carl Sagan’s “Cosmos” on youtube? I used to enjoy programmes like “Ready, Steady, Cook” because there were fun interviews involved in it, and it actually taught you how to cook stuff you might not have thought of trying before. That shit last night was just up-themselves inept presenters walking around a tent while fame-hungry, desperate nobodies threw together a plateful of sugar, which was then tasted and rated by a dead woman and a man from a ‘Just For Men’ advert.
Is this really what British TV has come to?
It’s people rolling pastry, for feck’s sake. 

RC 28-10-16

Same marriage, different obsessions

I’ve decided I’m going to buy some fish. I don’t know if this is some kind of midlife crisis, or a paternal instinct kicking in, or yet another one of my little short-lived random choices of hobby appearing out of nowhere, but I’m going to go ahead with it anyway. We have a lovely space in the hallway that would be perfect for a large tank. 

Philippa has decided we should reduce our meat intake. I have a horrible feeling this is something to do with conceiving. She’s probably read somewhere that too much bacon cuts down your sperm count so she’s going to change my diet accordingly. So it’s out with the burgers and sausages and in with the haddock and soya. Doesn’t bother me - I can get a breakfast in the staff canteen every morning and keep up my transfats that way.

RC 26-10-16

Over-reaction?

It is the worst thing imaginable to crunch down on a piece of egg shell. Especially when it’s unexpected. You make yourself a fry-up, or a boiled egg sandwich, and you are convinced you’ve peeled off the shell completely, and you take a big bite, ready to enjoy the succulent juiciness of protein-rich liquid squirted into your mouth…. only to feel that horrible broken-glass sensation as you find a bit of shell that had somehow hidden itself in plain view, (being as it is a dark, hard substance surrounded by a light-coloured yolk/albumen.) It can ruin the meal, your day, and your feelings about the world in general.
Hate it.

RC 25-10-16

list (revisited)

I remembered today that I had set myself a challenge back in early September to achieve a certain number of things before the end of the year. Now we’re suddenly approaching the end of October (and almost halfway through my allotted time) I thought I’d look at it again and update you on my progress:
Have a holiday abroad. Still undone. Still unbooked.
Do a 50-mile-in-one-day cycle ride. Unlikely……
Shave my head. Not done. Not planning to be done.
Read a Harry Potter book. Most likely to occur, but not yet started.
Spend a weekend in London with Philippa. Still hopeful….
Not going so well, then. Mind you, I have committed to Movember and agreed to play the drums for Hannah, so my list has gone to shit but I will be growing a moustache and taking part in a Christmas show. So the rest of the year won’t be wasted.
While we’re discussing the passing of time, can I just share this scary quote with you, from one of my staff members (a lady with two children):
“Can you believe it’s half-term? That past seven weeks has just pissed by. And you know what this means? In another seven weeks they’ll be breaking up for Christmas…..”

RC 24-10-16

MDCC

This is my 1700th blog. Yes - 1700. Wow. I’ve done so many now that it almost seems meaningless to keep count, but I’ve always liked statistics and I like to mention milestones of note, so forgive me for mentioning it one more time - after I finish typing this and hit the button marked “publish” I will have posted on this blog for the 1700th time…
To celebrate, here are some facts about the year 1700 (followed by some crap I made up) See if you can work out at which point the truth becomes sidelined for the lies:

1. The year 1700AD started on a Friday. 
2. Pope Clement XI succeeded Pope Innocent XII, becoming the 243rd Pope. 
3. The world population is estimated to have been 600-700 million.
4. Japan was hit by a tsunami, caused by an earthquake.
5. Most of central Edinburgh was destroyed by a fire.
6. Lions became extinct in Libya (estimated date)
7. Abraham Lincoln patented the flushing toilet.
8. The 1st Annual Mah-Jongg World Championship was held in Helsinki. It was won by a Russian gymnast called Olga Karmyolenko (who was 12)
9. Due to a clerical error at NASA, the month of October happened twice.
10. A homesick bear was elected Member of Parliament for Tewkesbury.
11. The King of Bolivia banned the importing of Rubiks cubes and Dairylea slices. 
12. In Penzance, Cornwall, 12 feet of rain fell every day for the entire year.

RC 23-10-16

Just call me 'Sticks'

For better or worse I’ve said I’ll do the drumming for Hannah’s Christmas thing. Why would I say no? I’ve been saying for years I’d like to play with other musicians and this is an opportunity. The shows are about what’s happening on stage rather than what’s happening in the orchestra pit so there won’t be too much pressure on us. It’s not like people are paying twenty quid each to come and see us in a stadium is it? Plus we’re being put together just for this show, so once the three performances are over we can go our separate ways and never work again if we choose not to. That suits me fine. I can deal with people for a couple of months as long as I know it’s a temporary arrangement, even if they’re complete arseholes. This is going to provoke me to practice more, as well. I love drumming and I love to try and get better at it, but I’m also a lazy sod so by the time I’ve got in from work and had some food I find it hard to drag myself out into the garage. I’d rather cuddle up with Philippa and have her repel my sexual advances. Now the nights are getting rapidly darker and longer it’ll give me something to do in the evenings besides sitting around moaning about the fact that I can’t go cycling. (I may not have mentioned this before, but I struggle somewhat through Winter….)

RC 21-10-16

damned with faint praise?

Hannah has asked if I’ll play the drums for her youth theatre group. They’re doing a Christmas show with a few musical numbers in it and they’re trying to put a band together. I told her I’m not good enough to be in a professional group and she said “Oh, don’t worry. Everyone is amateur. You’ll all be as shit as each other.”

RC 20-10-16

a gentle warning (in haiku)

Soon be Hallowe’en
You dress like a clown near me
and I’ll snap your neck

RC 18-10-16

Sod's law?

The weekend was great. Relaxing, energising, sexy. Just what I needed after a week of annoyance and lethargy. I went back into work this morning half expecting some kind of conflict or corporate meltdown, so I had my defences on alert and my cynicism on stand-by, and was ready to throw some barbed retorts at anyone and everything in my way. And of course it turned out to be a perfectly normal, nice, manageable Monday. No awkward customers, no staff problems, no moronic dictatorial changes foisted down from Head Office. Just a calm, pleasant, bright Autumnal day resplendent with the changing colours of the season and a gentle breeze.
Tomorrow I’ll probably feel tired and unprepared and walk headlong into a maelstrom of apocalyptic carnage that will leave me battered and shivering. 

RC 17-10-16

feelgood

I’m so glad it’s Friday night I could boil my own blood and drink it by way of celebration. Admittedly, a pinot noir would taste nicer, but I hope you see what I mean. I’m incredibly pleased the week’s over and I’m trying to express that to you in the strongest terms possible. Nothing particularly bad has happened, I’m just feeling tired and run down and fed up with work and really looking forward to two days at home with the missus. I may suggest a meal out tomorrow and a nice evening walk somewhere. Because it’s only two weeks til we return to GMT and it’ll be too dark to do anything after 5 except mug old women or watch fireworks. 

RC 14-10-16

big breakthrough

Have you ever used a shoe-horn?
I ask because I have one in my possession for the first time ever. We were trying out the new supermarket brand cheap-and-nasty Christmas crackers, as we’ll be stocking them in the garage from Nov 1st (why wait til after Bonfire Night like tasteful human beings would, right Head Office?)
There are shitty presents in them like a bag with 3 marbles, a magic trick that doesn’t work, and a mirror that’s too small to see anything more in reflection than your eyebrow.
But I got a shoe-horn.
I didn’t even know what it was at first, I had to ask someone else what this curved piece of plastic was. For those of you, like me, unfamiliar with them - you put it in the back of your shoe, then you slide your heel down it, and it forces your foot into your shoe even if it’s too tight for you. IT’S INCREDIBLE!!!!
I am never, ever untying my shoelaces again.

RC 13-10-16

Midweek moans, and a little something to look forward to...

Rained today. A lot. But you probably know that, as we all inhabit the same part of the country, and even if we don’t, the chances are that if you’re in Britain it was raining at times today, and even if you’re not in Britain you’ll know what Britain’s like, and most of the time it rains. ‘Permanently Overcast’ should be our national motto.

Two of my staff members were off sick today, so I was back behind the counter at various times. It made a nice change from being on my own in my office, but it never ceases to amaze me just how thick some people are nowadays. We had a lady today who explained to her child that the numbers ‘95’ and ‘98’ on the unleaded pumps referred to the year the petrol was taken from the ground. Children are naturally inquisitive but they understand that parents aren’t blessed with unlimited knowledge. I’m sure they’d be happy if you said “I don’t know the answer to that, but we can look it up together when we get home.” Wouldn’t that be better than giving them any old bullshit that pops into the top of your head? 

I’m refusing to turn any heating on, even though my fingertips are almost too cold to type.

Three weeks from Saturday will be Bonfire Night. Time to start researching which fireworks display we’ll be making our way to this year….

RC 12-10-16

as ever was; so ever shall be

I walked across to the store at lunchtime today and the Sun was so warm it felt like August. I took off my jumper and let my arms feel the joy of the freedom of wearing a short-sleeved shirt.
By the time I finished my meeting and made the return journey it was overcast and ten degrees colder. A Hell of a change in ninety minutes, and doesn’t that sum up the British climate? While the sky is clear it’s delightful; as soon as cloud strikes it’s unbearably dull and cool.

RC 10-10-16

Triple whammy

We spent the day indoors today and watched three different movies. Count ‘em! THREE different movies! What a way to spend a Sunday! Philippa was exhausted after her busy day of buying shoes yesterday, and my thighs were aching like an old woman’s hips after all my cycling, so we settled down on the sofa and indulged in some Home Cinema Heaven.  I have to admit that “The Fault In Our Stars” wouldn’t have been my first choice, but Philippa was very keen, and it turned out to be much better than I expected. Shailene Woodley is such a terrific actress. If she doesn’t win an Oscar within the next 5 years I’ll shave my eyeballs and never watch films again. (I’m confident everyone will forget this pledge and I’ll never be held to it in the future…) Next we took a look at “Edge of Tomorrow” which was a bit of silly fun and very well plotted indeed for a mindless action sci-fi. And we ended our trifecta with a classic - the Woody Allen film “Annie Hall.” (I know a trifecta is a betting term and not applicable to film-watching, but it’s a nice sounding word and deserves more use, so bite me…) I’m really tempted to put something else on now and make it Four-In-One-Day, but I fear I’d fall asleep before the end of the first half-hour. It’s amazing how tiring it is watching seven hours worth of films!

RC 9-10-16

Waffle

Philippa wanted to do some girly shopping shit today so I took myself off for a bike ride. It was a chilly start to the day but once the sun cleared the clouds it was a lovely, Autumnal, October day. A slight headwind dampened my spirits for the first ten miles or so, but I had picked my route deliberately so that I would have the wind behind me on the return trip, and that was the thought that kept me plugging away at the pedals when the unpleasantness of the air rushing into my nostrils was matched only by the burning in my thighs. I stopped to eat my pack-up in a churchyard next to a sheep field and enjoyed my corned beef sandwiches as I watched the animals going about their business. My body felt good and my mind felt clear and it was wonderful to just sit there surrounded by nature and to feel connected to it on a real, tangible level. The journey home was like an effortless flight on a bike-shaped cloud, as my legs kept moving as if controlled automatically and my breathing remained regular and energising. Thoughts drifted in and out of my consciousness like feathers floating on a river, and I neither gave them the time of day nor ignored them nonchalantly. Arriving back at home felt like a huge disappointment, and such was my determination to keep the carefree feelings flowing that I cycled straight past our drive and took in another circuit of paths that added a good six extra miles to an already satisfyingly long voyage.

The end result of all this is that my knees feel like condoms full of gravel.
  

RC 8-10-16

Haiku. Friday. October.

Another week gone
Five more days of work hassles
And chilly weather

Nights are darkening….
But I don’t want to bore you
With my Winter woes

I like to cycle
But soon it will be too dark
To bike after work

RC 7-10-16

Work woes and wallys

I’m pretty sure that anyone who is a manager will sympathise with this, but I really think that if my superiors just left me and my team to get on with it, our garage would run perfectly well, thank you very much. The trouble with our company is that there’s an entire level of rushed-in graduate management that has nothing to do with its time but find ways to justify its wages. (Hence the ridiculous yes-you-are, no-you’re-not, you-will-be-at-some-point farce about staying open overnight.) 
The latest ill-thought-through Idea From Above is to do with Hallowe’en. They’ve decided to force us to have a whole section of the booth devoted to costumes, merchandise, paraphernalia and sweets associated with October 31st. Plus to ‘cash in on the rolling Public Holiday market’ they want us to have a section of Christmas stuff up and running at the same time. They think people might actually come in and think “Oh my, with Hallowe’en approaching, Xmas must be just round the corner. While I’m here buying diesel and a Daily Mail I may as well stock up on candy canes and shitty chocolate liqueurs that I can hang on my dashboard Christmas tree.”
Head Office can quote facts and figures and trends and studies that show this would be financially worthwhile, but what they can’t show me is A WAY TO MAKE THE BOOTH BIG ENOUGH TO FIT ALL THIS SHIT IN, WHILE ALSO HAVING ROOM FOR THE BREAD AND MILK AND NEWSPAPERS AND SUNDRIES THAT WE STOCK EVERYDAY, AT EXORBITANTLY HIGHER PRICES THAN IN THE SUPERMARKET ACROSS THE CAR PARK.”
Anyway, I shan’t go on……

RC 6-10-16

Too many 'by the way's

I have a cold. Don’t know if it’s a result of falling asleep outside the other night, but I can’t imagine that helped. I actually think I may have got it from one of the many middle-aged women-with-children who sneezed at me in the garage at the end of last week. Why do so many people find it impossible to put their hand in front of their faces before sneezing? And why do so many of them feel the need to say something afterwards like “there’s so many bugs around now the kids are back at school.” My life would be so much easier without customers. 
I may also have picked something up during the crowded Ryder Cup-a-thon at Ted and Beryls I suppose, although I think the gestation period for a cold is longer than 48 hours. I checked in with Ted today, by the way. He was still moaning about the result and refusing to buy anything American. 
Don’t feel too sorry for me, by the way. It’s really nothing more than a mild, annoying sniffle. 

RC 5-10-16

Stars and Stripes and stars and stars

Monday is a terrible day to have a hangover.
I blame The Ryder Cup.
Ted and Beryl threw a huge party yesterday and let all their family and friends come round ‘to enjoy and celebrate another glorious win.’ That was the theory, anyway. But for some reason they had failed to consider the possibility that Europe might actually lose, and therefore failed to prepare for the onslaught of anti-American abuse from a rather drunk and disappointed Ted. Once he gets going he’s hard to rein in, and everyone runs for the hills rather than have to sit there and listen to him. Last night his house emptied quicker than a swimming pool that someone’s just shit in. 

The result didn’t bother me too much. I like watching some sports but I never invest my emotions in them, so my mental wellbeing for the next few days isn’t ever hanging on the outcome of a silly game. For me it was more about the drink than the golf, and I certainly wasn’t going to slow down just because Europe were ‘playing like a bunch of pansies.’ That was one of Ted’s more quotable mentionings of the evening. Here are a couple more, just to show you what we all had to put up with for about three hours:
“McIlroy needs shooting. No wonder that tennis player dumped him. If he uses his dick as badly as he uses his putter she must have been constantly wanting.”
“Arnold Palmer died last week, and he’s still playing better golf than Willett.”

When we got home I realised it was a beautiful, still, starry evening. It struck me that a good idea would be to spend ten minutes or so sitting in the back garden gazing up at the heavens. Philippa called me a drunken twat and went off to bed, leaving me to fight my way past my drumkit and the lawnmower to get a sun-lounger out from the back of the garage. I put it up (eventually), climbed into it, and lay back, wondering to myself why Ursa Major had three times as many stars as it normally does. I woke up two hours later, freezing cold and covered in dew, and with a headache and a stiff neck. Today has been, to say the least, a bit of a struggle. 
I’m going to have a quick, hot shower then crawl into bed.

RC 3-10-16