Reasons to dread my wedding, numbers 34 - 37

I hate dressing up
I hate being the centre of attention
Philippa goes nutty when her mums around
Churches bring me out in a rash

RC 30-4-15

The pain of persistent pressure

The deeper we get into planning this wedding the more I wish we’d never started it. The whole industry seems to be set up to pull as much money out of you as possible. It should be the start of a wonderful life together but it’s more likely to be the start of a life of debt. What’s the point of getting married if it pushes you to the brink of bankruptcy? 
Everyone you speak to as part of the planning has another expense you haven’t considered yet, and they usually conveniently ‘know someone’ who can fulfil the task for you, for a price. I’ve started asking the question ‘why?’ as often as possible, and they normally don’t have an answer. They’re just so used having people go along with it and doing what they’re told, whatever the cost, that they don’t know what to do when their little cabal is actually challenged.
In case you’re considering nuptials of your own, here’s a few of the bullshit suggestions that will be thrown at you in the coming months, so be warned. 

“Of course you’ll have to book both rooms at the venue for the evening do.”
“You’ll want to put an announcement in the newspapers.”
“Flowers are a must, but balloons are a wonderful accessory.”
“All the male members of the party will need to see the same tailor.”
“You’ll want personalised presents for all the bridesmaids.”
“I have a friend who can write your speech for you.”
“You could book three dates now so you know the one you want is available.”
“Hair and make-up for a wedding we provide as a stand-alone ‘special package’.”
“You don’t just need a disco - you need a dedicated professional specialist.”

Remember - you don’t have to say ‘YES’ to everything. All these statements can be countered with a simple ‘WHY?’ so feel free to follow my lead (although expect a certain amount of frostiness from your fiancee if you do…)

RC 29-4-15

Confession

It’s funny, but since I got my new glasses my headaches have cleared up completely. Who could have seen that coming? Everyone apart from me, it seems. Sophie said to me yesterday “I thought you’d been feeling better already as you hadn’t phoned me for migraine advice for a couple of weeks.”
The truth is that before picking up the glasses my eyes had been killing me from the strain and I’d had more bad headaches than ever. I just didn’t want to mention them. 
This evening we are going for a walk so I can see the Suffolk countryside in focus for a change.
I hope I still like it….

RC 28-4-15

Lesson learnt? (probably not)

We cooked a massive Sunday roast yesterday and I made a complete pig of myself. I refused to succumb to the lure of the crackling and instead overloaded on roast parsnips and mashed swede. For some reason, as I gorged my way through enough vegetables to feed Swindon for a decade, I convinced myself it was fine because it was all stuff that was good for me rather than stuff full of fat and sugar.
What I‘d forgotten is that your body is only designed to process a certain amount of greenery and root products in one go and so I promptly ended up with the classic “overnight post-roast poo problem.” I won’t go into details, for that would be uncouth, but suffice to say I spent more time on the loo than in bed, and we’re desperately short on toilet paper.
Next Sunday I’ll just have a chicken leg and a Yorkshire pudding.

RC 27-4-15

A new world has opened up

I finally got my new glasses on Friday. I nearly crashed the car four times on the way home. Everything looked so weird. I’ve obviously been struggling visually for a lot longer than I realised, and now I’ve got the right help it’s a bit like being punched in the eyes by reality.  I’d forgotten that you’re supposed to be able to make out what vehicles are travelling towards you when you’re driving; for as long as I can remember there’s just been this weird blurring effect on the other side of the road, which I recognise as a car only when it’s right beside me. 
Frightening.
If I’d have been stopped by the police any time recently I’d probably have ended up being banned, and if I’d been involved in an accident God knows what would have happened. I can’t imagine insurance companies are happy to pay for repairs on your behalf if it turns out you had the sight capabilities of Mr Magoo at the time of the crash. So I’d have been sued by the person I hit (or the family of the person I killed, depending on the severity of the incident) and I’d have ended up bankrupt, deserted, single and incarcerated, having to use my various orifices to help pay my prison rent. That’s EXACTLY what would have happened.
But now, thankfully, none of those events will come to pass, because I have my lovely new glasses. Having said that, though, I’m finding it so hard to get used to being able to see properly that I’m probably more dangerous now than I was before I got them. 
Stay off the road, people…..

RC 26-4-15

a little list (in lieu of a proper blog)

A few things I jotted down in my notebook this week:

The music of Take That makes me want to hang myself

I should be allowed to have a James Bond-style rocket launcher fitted to the front of my car that I can fire at tractors

Women’s legs are the most beautifully-sculpted objects in creation

Katy Perry does not strike me as a woman I could trust

Saying “I love everything about you…. especially your boobs” works better if you leave off the last three words

RC 24-4-15

Musings on a calendar

I was working on rotas today and the date kept leaping out at me. My mind kept trying to attach some important relevance to it, and I suddenly realised - it’s now 3 months since my birthday. Isn’t that scary? Where the hell has that quarter-of-a-year gone? I swear that as you get older the time seems to race by more quickly. There’s probably some fundamental temporal reason why it happens, and I’m sure there is a proper study that a scientist could be paid a lot of money to do that might help explain it, but that scientist won’t be me as I’m lazy.
The really scary thing about it being 3 months since my birthday is that it means it is now only 9 months until I get married.
All together now - “AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

RC 20-4-15

April's going too quickly

My blogging this week
Has been done haphazardly
And not too often

This was my weekend to work so I missed out on the gorgeous weather yesterday. Today was a bit grimmer and cooler but it didn’t matter as we stayed in anyway. Ted and Beryl, who rarely travel very far nowadays, agreed to come over for a meal and a game of Scrabble. It was lovely to see them, and to play host to them for a change rather than it being the other way round. Philippa was incredibly nervous. She’s not the most confident cook on Earth and Beryl is an absolute wonder in the kitchen so Philippa thought her grub might not be up to scratch. In the end she did herself proud and her ‘Roast Lamb a la Rosemary with dauphin potatoes’ was a delight.
Beryl may have to have a knee replacement op sometime soon. That was a bit of a downer on the day but she doesn’t seem too bothered by the idea and she’s already looking forward to being more mobile when it’s over. 
“It’s so hard to clean the bathroom floor when you feel like you’re kneeling on a knife” she said. Bless her. Ted is taking it all with his usual ‘who cares?‘ frontage, but I know he must be worried. It sounds like a huge operation to me but Beryl insists it’s just a routine procedure these days. I’m now deciding whether to look it all up on the internet in an attempt to allay my fears or to just leave it in case I uncover something horrible. 
With the state of the NHS as it is, it’s unlikely she’ll get it done before Christmas anyway, so I think I’ll do my usual thing and just ignore it until the day it actually happens. I might call it Rory’s First Law Of Avoidance - “Things can’t bother you if you flatly refuse to think about them.”

RC 19-4-15

Haiku, then Random Roryness

Nice temperatures
Spring has definitely sprung
And made me bouncy!

What a beautiful couple of days we’ve had. I walked outside yesterday lunchtime and it was like stepping forward in time three months. It was like SUMMER, I tell you!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - “Global warming? YAY!!!!”

It’s really hitting home now how different my life is with a regular working pattern. Those shitty shifts they put in place at the supermarket played havoc with your social life and took out at least three or four evenings a week. Bad enough in Winter but bloody horrible once Summer arrives. Barbecues and evening walks aren’t a right and they’re not regular, they’re a luxury and they’re rationed.  Now I’m finishing every day at 5pm? Man, the possibilities are endless!
Now it’s light until gone 7.30 I can cycle every night if I choose too. I’d die by the end of a fortnight, but I COULD do it if I CHOSE to. What a difference. And what a relief. And what a reminder of how awful things were before. And what a motivation to stick at this job, even on the bad days, and make it work and make it sustainable. These hours are glorious and I am determined to do whatever it takes to keep them.

Now I’m off to disturb the quiet stillness by bashing the Hell out of my drumkit.

RC 16-4-15

Nothing hurts like love

Philippa got excited during sex last night and accidentally head-butted me in the face. My nose didn’t bleed but it hurt like hell and it made my eyes water. I covered my face in ice to stop the pain and I think I ended up with frostbite.
It still felt wrong today so I phoned Sophie for a bit of advice. She lectured me on spousal respect and told me to call a helpline if it isn’t a one-off.
Hannah called later for a chat and said I sounded like I have a blocked nose. I told her about what had happened and she said “Damn, bro, maybe you should calm things down a bit in the bedroom?”
So now one of my sisters thinks I’m a victim of domestic abuse and the other one thinks I’m a sexual deviant.

RC 15-4-15

Was Easter Sunday really a week ago?

Bloody Hell it’s been windy this weekend. I opened the back door earlier and it nearly got ripped out of my hand, and the washing we hung out this morning now seems to be in a field half a hectare away. Not exactly biking weather, and it really hurts after those beautiful Spring days we had this week (while I was stuck at work.).

I’m off out soon. 
I’ve been sitting watching the US Masters every evening but realised it’s no fun on my own, so I called Ted this morning and sort-of invited myself round his tonight. Beryl is cooking tea then providing snacks and drinks to see us through til the finish! If it goes to a play-off I might get home just in time for an hours sleep before getting up for work.
Philippa was invited too but declined as she said it would be pointless her being there. She is not particularly interested in golf, or indeed happy with the idea of me leaving her at home to go and watch it with someone else.
Can’t imagine why….

RC 12-4-15

Sisters are doing it to themselves

Hannah came over today, which was lovely. She’d been busy with churchy Easter stuff all weekend and is back at school next Monday so she thought she’d pop over for an evening with her brother and future sister-in-law. To be fair she spent most of her time talking to Philippa but that’s fine - they’ve always got on very well and I have a suspicion they often talk to each other on the phone or facebook or something without my knowledge. Is that a problem? Only if you’re insecure and paranoid. (which I am, so I guess it is…)

I asked her about Sophie and Tamara and their current state of affairs. She said it was just a storm in a teacup and I must have caught Sophie on an off-day. Apparently they’re still blissfully happy and as much in love as ever.

Hannah really has changed immensely in the past couple of years. Doing her course, being in a relationship with Nathan and working in a school have all resulted in huge improvements in her attitude and maturity. I really do like her now, and I’m really very proud of her for the woman she’s become.
She’s grown up, I guess, and she’s much the better for it.

Maybe it’ll happen to me one day.

RC 9-5-15

...in the detail

This is what I thought about at work today:
Almost all objects and aspects of human life have a Patron Saint.  A spirit of support, good wishes and protection that help us on our way through life.  Many of them are, let’s be honest, ludicrous.  Do we really need a Patron Saints of Fireworks?
I was wondering…. if there’s a patron saint for all things, can there also be a Patron Devil as well?  A malicious soul that tries to disrupt, prevent and generally ruin the happiness connected to different parts of our lives?  I believe so, and I have a few suggestions for the list:
The Patron Devil of Cookery - Jamie Oliver
The Patron Devil of Entertainment - Simon Cowell
The Patron Devil of Drivers - Jeremy Clarkson
I’m going to start a campaign to get a Patron Saint of Wellies.  Any other suggestions welcome….

RC 8-4-15

Love undone?

I spoke to Sophie today on the phone and I have a feeling things may not be completely rosy with her and Tamara.  I was talking about the weird revelation I’ve had that I’m actually looking forward to my wedding, and I floated again the idea of them joining us to make it a double celebration. She said “I wouldn’t marry that selfish bitch if our union would help cure cancer.”

RC 7-4-15

I love Easter

I’m in a great mood, so I’ve decided I’m going to break my record for blog postings in a month by writing something every day remaining in April, and I’m boldly putting it online now so I have to see it through.  Foolish, perhaps, but I can always bail out of it later and find some pathetic excuse for doing so.

Actually, thinking about it now, if I write a posting every day remaining in April I won’t break my record, I’ll equal it. So I either need to write more than once at least one day this month or go back in time and post something on the 2nd or 3rd.
Ah, sod it.

RC 6-4-15

The Story of Our Week

We had a wonderful relaxing time together last week.  Even the horrendous wind we had rattling the house for the first two days didn’t seem to matter. On Monday we took ourselves off to the spa for a warming sauna and a relaxing swim and on Tuesday we just snuggled up inside and enjoyed each other. In the evening we lay in bed with a notepad and planned some things for the garden. Wednesday was brighter so off we went to get some flowers and compost.  Rory walking round a garden centre and loving every minute? Can you believe it? I’m not sure I can. When we got home I got all the grass mowed and we trimmed the hedges, then on Thursday we planted the flowers. Friday was a mixture of sex, food and cycling.
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Even the time we spent talking about the wedding didn’t spoil it. 
It was a delight to just be together and be having fun doing simple things, and to be looking forward to our first Spring in this house, while also knowing we’ll be here next year for a second. 
(A second Spring, I mean, not just for one second)

RC 5-4-15

Back in the Saddle

I always used to hate going back to work after a holiday but it hasn’t felt too bad this time. Maybe the fact that we didn’t actually go away anywhere helped - I’ve come back to work relaxed and refreshed rather than overexerted and exhausted. It also helps that today is the only day I’m working in a 10-day period. It means I’m eased back into it rather than thrown back in at the deep end. Life is so much better when you’re in charge of the rotas. 

I did my traditional Good Friday Bike-A-Thon yesterday afternoon and managed not to get lost, or break my bike, or overdo it and collapse in a park somewhere, so that’s an improvement on previous years. 

Our few days off together were wonderful. I’ll tell you about them later because I’m hungry and I have to get the tea on. Philippa will be in soon and I want to surprise her with a meal. 

RC 4-4-15