No excuses... just lazy

Even though I haven’t been feeling exactly overworked or stressed I am looking forward to my time off immensely. 
Maybe while I’m away I can rekindle my enthusiasm for blogging….

RC 26-3-15

Still in awe from yesterday

Man, wasn’t the eclipse awesome?
There were three of us in the garage in the morning so we kept working in rotation so we all got a chance to pop outside ad have a good look at the sky. We had a mixture of reactions from the customers. For every one of them who had a look of childlike wonder in their eyes there were at least three who moaned about the whole thing and wondered why everyone else was excited. Bunch of twats. It just sums up modern life really, doesn’t it? A once-in-two-decades Cosmic occurrence with perfect viewing conditions to enjoy it in and all we get it “Huh, what nonsense!” I heard at least two people moaning about the inconvenience it caused them, as if the Universe had deemed to create this event just to mess their day up a little.
Who says the human race is arrogant?
I wish we could do it all again, quite frankly. Apparently there’ll be a big one in 2017 that will sweep right across the USA. I’m going to try and persuade Philippa to postpone out honeymoon til then so we can spend it eclipse-chasing in America.

RC 20-3-15

A corner turned

I am once again full of the joys of spring, with optimism oozing from my very core. What has brought about this mammoth, monumental change of attitude? I BIKED TO WORK TODAY! I am fed up with feeling unfit, and pining for good weather to cycle in, and spending longer sitting at traffic lights than I spend driving, and at 1.27am this morning exactly (I know because I checked the clock on the bedside table) the answer appeared in my head, crystal clear and complete. BIKE TO WORK TODAY! So I left the car in the drive, got the Velociped from the garage, and rode to work. It took me 21 minutes. TWENTY-ONE MINUTES!! My legs hurt a bit when I got there, and I nearly got knocked off by careless car drivers twice, but it felt great! 
So now I’m thinking I can bike every day, save ourselves the petrol costs, we can sell one of our cars, I can get fit enough to do a sponsored cross-Britain cycle ride, and by 2022 I’ll be training for the Olympics.
Don’t I get carried away sometimes? 

RC 19-3-15

Gloom going on

Philippa has developed a far better social life than I have since we moved here. She goes and plays bingo once a week, she plays badminton at a local sports centre and she travels back to Norfolk once a month to see her friends at her OLD badminton club. Me? Once a week I sit in the garage playing the drums badly and trying not to hack off the neighbours.  Apart from that I do nothing. I have no hobbies. I’m going to get back into cycling soon but even that is a solitary, unsocial pastime. 
I’m tempted to piggyback Philippa’s efforts and invite myself to bingo tomorrow, but I’m pretty sure she’d say “You’re not hijacking my night out - sod off and get your own life!”
It’s not fair.
What’s the point of living with someone you love if they spend more time out with other people than being at home with you? 
She’s so selfish. 
I don’t want to turn into one of those men in their 30s who sit up all night playing online wargames with other sad loners around the World, but why shouldn’t I? Maybe she’d start to miss me and stop taking me for granted if I was ignoring her most evenings and fighting a troll from Kenya. 

RC 18-3-15

Pain (in many different ways)

Today was one of the worst days I’ve had at this job. I was feeling a bit low when I got there (not sure why - just one of my ‘down days’ I guess) then I got a phone call from Rupert to tell me his car was kaput and he couldn’t get in for his 12 - 8 shift. He’s a good guy so I knew it was genuine, but it still meant a scramble round to get someone in and a jiggle of the rota for next week to give that person who came in an extra day off in lieu. If I’d been in a good mood I’d have sailed through it, but I made a mistake on the computer and I then had to reload and re-input all my rotas for the rest of March. By then I had a bad headache again and I’d had enough for the day. 
I asked Philippa for sympathy tonight and she said “Well of course you ended up with a headache - you need glasses and you’re too vain to get them.”
So much for a supportive fiancee. She’s right, but I hate her for saying it.

RC 17-3-15

Sunny Saturday but Wintry weather

We spent the day with Hannah and Nathan today, which was nice. We haven’t seen them properly for ages so it was great to have a bit of a catch-up and enjoy each others company.  We didn’t actually do much, we just sat about and chatted, but isn’t that okay when you’re with your family? 
I suggested we go for a nice walk after lunch, because it’s been so Springlike this week and I’ve missed it by being at work. It was BLOODY FREEZING! I had laughed at the newspaper articles yesterday that predicted a weekend of Arctic weather, but that wind today certainly felt like it was blowing straight from Siberia. So we didn’t walk very far at all. 
I suggested to Hannah we have a sort of anti-Mothers Day where we contact out mum and tell her how much we hate her. Hannah said “No, thanks. I’d rather just go on pretending she doesn’t exist. Contacting her at all would be an acknowledgement that we’re related.”
Wise, but not as much fun.

RC 14-3-15

Red Nos-aiku

Sorry if the haiku below makes me sound uncharitable and cynical.
If it makes you feel better - I put £5 in the bucket at work…

Red Nose Day is shit
People try to get my cash
By acting like twats

RC 13-3-15

March slowly

I had a moment of paranoia today and convinced myself Philippa hates living here because she has to travel to work every day and she’s going to leave me to move back to Norfolk. Then she came home with holiday brochures and a headfull of ideas about wedding cakes and I realised I was being silly.
We’re going to stay at home when we have our time off this month. We both agreed that it would be nice to just settle for a few days and enjoy each other and have a good explore locally. We haven’t done that as much as we would like to so this seems like an ideal time. It’s nice to have a holiday and see somewhere new but it’s also nice to have some time off now and then to just chill. I’ve had times before where I’ve booked a week off work, gone abroad and really gone for it, and ended up back at work exhausted and needing another holiday! So our plan is some walking, some cycling, a day at a decent leisure centre that has a Jacuzzi and a sauna, and lots of time in bed.
Well the last item is only on my list, but I have a few weeks to convince her. 

RC 12-3-15

Busybody

I had to cover someone’s lunch break today so I got to spend an hour on the tills. It was fine, but conversations with customers don’t always go the way you might expect them to. I was serving a tall guy with overalls on and the card machine was playing up a little, so I thought I’d make an effort at interaction. It went like this:
ME: “Is it as warm out there as it looks?”
HIM: “Yeah, it’s ok”
ME: “I’m looking forward to getting in the garden when I get home tonight”
HIM: “Yeah?”
ME: “Yeah. Isn’t it great to have these lighter evenings now? I’m thinking I might give the lawnmower it’s first spin of the year.”
HIM: “I wouldn’t do that”
ME: “You wouldn’t?”
HIM: “No. We’re still having overnight frosts. You should leave it how it is or you’ll damage the grass”
ME: “Really? I’m pretty sure our lawn can handle a little bit of cold in the mornings”
HIM: “Well, whatever. Do what you like.  You’ll know I’m right when your trouble starts”
From that point on he refused to talk to me or even look me in the eye. I handed him his card and receipt and he sniffed once and left without a word.
I said to the next customer “There’s always someone who thinks they know better than you isn’t there?”
Then I noticed the tall guy drive off in his van. On the side it said “Jim Green - Gardener & Landscaper”

RC 11-5-15

Break ahoy!

I’ve booked a few days off at the end of this month.  I’ve been going flat out since I started back in October and everything is running smoothly at the moment so I figure it’s time to allow myself a little holiday. Philippa has to work Easter Saturday (thanks Tom) so she’s booked off Monday to Friday of the week before. We might take ourselves off somewhere for the week or we might just have a few days chilling at home and exploring the local countryside.

Have you finished laughing at the phrase ‘I’ve been going flat out’ yet? The only time I’ve ever gone ‘flat out’ at work was when I laid down for a nap on my lunch break. 

RC 10-3-15

Cinematrivia

I wanted to do a blog full of interesting facts about films, but I couldn’t be bothered to do any research - so I’ve decided to make some up.

The first draft of ‘Toy Story’ had a scene where Woody ate hallucinogenic mushrooms.
‘The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel’ was filmed at a Travelodge in Kettering.
There is a town in Canada called Stevenspielberg. It has a population of 1941.
Mel Gibson can’t do accents, so his voice in ‘Braveheart’ was done by Peter Capaldi. 
‘The Omen’ is exactly 666 minutes long.
Ian McKellen got the part of Gandalf because Julia McKenzie was busy filming ‘Marple’
To simulate blood in black-and-white films, what they actually used was llama vomit.
James Bond is based on a real-life character called Abernathie Humbertson.
Robert De Niro is a lesbian.

RC 9-3-15

An eye for an I

Well I had my eye test today.
The good news is that I now know why I’ve been getting headaches.
The bad news is I now have to invest in a pair of glasses.
Christ, this makes me feel old.

I spent 45 minutes at the sodding opticians. I hope I wasn’t paying by the minute. Honestly - how long do they need to find out what is wrong with your vision? All the tests they do seem to be designed to find out the same thing, so do we really need to do them all? I think they’re just torturing bastards who take pleasure from inflicting discomfort on people. I bet most of them worked at Guantanamo Bay for five years and then got kicked out for being too cruel and came to Suffolk to work at The Eye Clinic. I tell you, if the girl sorting me out didn’t have a nice rack I’d have walked out halfway through. Why - exactly - is it necessary to fire a blast of hot air directly at your pupil? THREE TIMES?????
Bastards.
Anyway, the end result of it all was finding out that I have a slight stigmatism in both eyes. This made me panic somewhat thinking that my eyes are bleeding into my head and that’s why I keep having brain pain, but apparently not. 
She said “You must have noticed the problem before you got the headaches. When you’re driving I doubt you can see cars that are more than twenty feet in front of you”
To be honest I can’t see my own car when I’m about to get into it, but I didn’t dare tell her that.

Christ, I feel old.

RC 7-3-15

A poem (of sorts)

March now
The glory of Spring teases us from the horizon
But the day itself is cooler than the love-child of Fonzie and a polar bear
Yet still I hope

Light evenings
BST winks at us from t’other end of the month
Saying ‘Come and see me soon’ and ‘Stay a while, ol’ partner…
…but not quite yet’

Better times
Warmer days and warmer nights bring warmer hearts and warmer smiles
Yet still I deal with grumpy twats at work every day
Men are tossers

(And you thought haiku was the only form of poetry I could do badly. Shame on you.)

RC 5-3-15