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My challenge for 2014 was to do 19 posts a month, and by fair means or foul I’ve managed it in January. So maybe I’ll aim to do that consistently throughout the year. Or maybe I won’t. Or maybe I’ll constantly flip between wanting to do challenges and not wanting to and end up never achieving the ones I try to and regretting not having a go at the ones I rejected.
God, it’s hard being me…
RC 31-1-14
I had a bit of a tidy round today. With my birthday disappearing into the rear-view mirror, and with it still being too Wintry for cycling, I was on a bit of a downer. So rather than wallow in one of my bathtubs full of self-pity I decided to get active and do something worthwhile. Most of our stuff is in storage so I’ve been missing my books and board games. I do have a few things here, though, which I kind of just threw into a couple of boxes when we left the previous house before Christmas. So I took them on today as my chosen task for the morning, thinking it would be nice to get a few personal items out on display.
When I opened the first box, what was the first thing I found? Sitting on top of everything else as if it was just waiting there for the right moment for me to find it?
The information pack I asked for ages ago about how to become a teacher.
As you may remember, I had a read-through it and then decided it wasn’t for me, but there was obviously some reason that I hadn’t thrown it away, so I sat down with a cup of coffee and had another look through it today.
Very interesting.
There were aspects of it that scared me and put me off it completely, but there were also bits of it that really piqued my interest and made me want to consider it again. I seem to recall Philippa saying she’d be happy to support me if I wanted to go ahead and do the year of full-time training, so maybe I’ll test the waters with her and see if that’s still the way she’s thinking.
I’m really glad I found it now. It made me feel better knowing that there are still options open to me, and my future doesn’t have to be confined within the walls of a supermarket.
And, more importantly, it distracted me from the task of sorting the boxes…
RC 30-1-14
God I felt ill today. Really rough. I managed to ride through the pain of yesterdays shift on pure adrenaline, happy memories, and a dangerously high blood/alcohol level. But today was like every fibre of my being had been separately smashed with a hammer. It was HHHHAAAARRRDDDD WWWOOOOORRRRRKKKKKKK. People seemed to be moving in slow motion, and my brain was still finding it hard to keep up with them. Even the simplest task felt like part of a US Marines training course, and my digestive system felt like the inside of a particle accelerator. I guess this is what’s called ‘paying your dues’
I am starting to understand now why people keep topping themselves up with drink, rather than stop and let the inevitable car-crash happen to your body. We were trashed Saturday, but then just kept drinking through Sunday so the hangover never had a chance to catch up with us. Monday was a bit drier, but we still went out for a pub lunch and a couple of quiet pints to go with it. Tuesday wasn’t too bad, but today it all caught up with me. Less than two weeks into my thirties I have come to a dramatic conclusion:
I’m not as young as I used to be……
RC 29-1-14
Somehow I have to drag myself into work today despite the thumping pain of over-indulgence vibrating around my every atom.
I still feel pissed from Saturday, so God knows when the alcohol I drank on Sunday will eventually leave my system. Sometime around March 7th I imagine.
God we had a great time. You only turn 30 once, right? So why not enjoy it instead of fretting about it or mourning the loss of your 20s? And man did we enjoy it. It was like we were making up for all the birthdays that we spent apart while Sophie was in Edinburgh, and all the birthdays Philippa and I didn’t spend together before we met, and the Christmas we just missed out on, and every other possible reason to celebrate that we may not have taken advantage of in the past few years. EVERYBODY went for it. And I mean WENT FOR IT. Just thinking about it now is making my head spin and my internal organs throb with the memory of the abuse they suffered in the past 72 hours or so. Never before, I would guess, have a group of siblings and their respective partners burnt both ends of a collective candle so bright, long and hard as the Famille de Chesworth did from Saturday evening to Monday morning inclusive.
I may be 30, but my liver feels like it’s 97.
RC 28-1-14
The birthday gifts from Philippa are the only ones I’ve had so far. Everyone else has been hanging on to them until they see me this weekend. I LOVE these week-long birthday celebrations! Why have all your presents on the one day when you can string it all out until the end of the month?
I feel like I’m doing the “anti dry January”
Have you read about this charity thing? You go through the whole month without touching a drop of alcohol? A couple of people at work are doing it and they’re going rapidly insane. Especially the ones who stock the drinks aisle.
I’ve gone in completely the other direction. With Christmas then New Year then my birthday I figure I may as well stay pissed well into February.
RC 24-1-14
I realised tonight that I never told you what Philippa got me for my birthday..
She got me a rather sexy new all-singing all-dancing 4G iPhone. I’m not a fan of gadgetry but I have to say I’m delighted with it. She says her thinking behind it is that I never have a signal on my naff old phone when I’m out, and the battery only lasts about ten minutes now, so at least now she knows she can contact me.
I must have mentioned at some point about liking the writing of Isaac Asimov, because she also got me a gorgeous set of his collected works. It’s almost like a DVD boxset, except it’s made of lots of paper and you read it rather than watch it. It’s beautiful, and now I have all his stories I wonder how I ever survived life without them. All I need now is a shelf to keep them on. I’m almost tempted to bring forward our plans to buy a house, just so I can have them on display as soon as possible.
She also told me while we were away: “I don’t really care if we don’t get married soon, I’m just glad I’ve got you in my life, whether you’re my husband or not is irrelevant” and that was the best present of all!
RC 23-1-14
Only one of the words used in the title of this blog actually apply to me today. I’ve just had a bath, and my flirting days are behind me, so I’m sure you can work out which one it is.
I dragged myself back into work today. No-one mentioned my birthday. No-one asked if I’d had a nice weekend away. They just starting asking me if it was lunchtime yet, and had I put through the orders for the weekend?
Bastards.
I’m not bothered though, not really. I had such a good time with Philippa this weekend that the angst and depression of working life is just bouncing off me. Long may that continue. Maybe that’s how life is in your thirties? You become more accepting of your situation, and lower your expectations of life, and have a more pleasant existence as a consequence.
I’ve got quite an easy week really. I broke the habit of a lifetime and became selfish, and put myself on the 8am-4pm shift four days in a row. That means I can enjoy my evenings with Philippa, and then on Saturday I can be home by 5 to get ready for our big night out. Then on Sunday it’s all day at Ted and Beryl’s, then I have Monday off to recover. Marvellous.
I’ll never understand people who only celebrate their birthday on the day itself. Why not treat it like a festival and have yourself a week-long party? Especially if, like me, your birthday is in January. Everyone is poor and depressed after Christmas, and you can give them an excuse to go wild again.
In fact - if you are poor and depressed after Christmas, feel free to use my birthday as an excuse to go wild! I’m all about sharing the love and the fun, even if I’ve never met you.
RC 22-1-14
Weekend at a spa
I’m now feeling very tired
But a bit fitter
I’ve just turned thirty
How the Hell did this happen?
I still feel eighteen
My best birthday gift?
Philippa in a swimsuit
And a nice warm pool
Champagne and Guinness
They call it a ‘Black Velvet’
It tastes like Black Sick
A sauna is hot
It helps cure a hangover
By making you sweat
RC 21-1-14
That’s it, then. I am no longer in my twenties…
I thought I’d spend today feeling old and decrepit, but I don’t feel that way at all, I feel strangely hopeful and uplifted.
Maybe now people will start seeing me through respectful eyes as a decent mature member of society, rather than just looking at me and thinking “He’s only twenty something. He’s just a kid. What does he know?”
I don’t see thirty as the arse end of a decade, I see it as a brand new start; an opportunity to re-evaluate and re-create myself and step forth renewed into a new set of numbers.
But in truth, of course, I am absolutely no different to the person I was 24 hours ago.
The mind is a funny thing……
RC 20-1-14
I confronted Philippa about the ‘Luxury Weekend Marriage Special’ and she was shocked.
“Of course I haven’t booked that you stupid bastard.” she said “For a start I want you to marry me when you want to, I’m not going to trick you into it. And for another thing, have you looked at the PRICE?? We could have a three-week honeymoon for the amount it would cost to get married there.”
“A-HA!” I shouted, “So you DID look at the wedding stuff!”
“Of course I did, shit-for-brains. It’s plastered all over the website. You have to fight through it all before you get to the Bookings section. And I have to be honest, IF we like the hotel and IF that’s the kind of wedding you’d like then I did think that MAYBE we could talk about it sometime, but that’s NOT the point of this weekend.”
I can remember a time when Philippa wouldn’t have used phrases like ‘stupid bastard’ and ‘shit-for-brains’
I can’t imagine what’s made her change…..
RC 16-1-14
I just had a look at the website of the hotel Philippa and I are staying at this weekend. There’s a big section on their homepage about weddings. Apparently you can book a ‘Luxury Weekend Marriage Special’ where you stay for three days and take your vows while you’re there. You can make a big thing of it and invite loads of guests or you can keep it to just the two of you and borrow hotel staff as witnesses.
Philippa has booked us a three-day stay there.
She told me last year we should get married before I turn thirty.
She hasn’t done what I’m fearing she’s done, has she??????????
RC 15-1-14
I can’t believe we’ve only been in this house a month. It feels so much like home. I love it because it’s cosy and comfortable, Philippa loves it because it only takes an hour to clean. We sit here in the evenings and she reads while I play on the Wii and we look very much like a contented, married, middle-aged couple.
(Will I count as middle-aged when I hit 30 next week?)
I have today requested some literature from the Open University. I am thinking of re-training. You may call it a pre-mid-life crisis or just one of my whimsical flights of fancy, but I am getting the urge to study again. I am nearly halfway to pensionable age and I don’t want to spend the rest of my working life pottering about in jobs I hate when I could actually take control of myself and find something I like. So I am taking a look at ‘distance learning’ because - let’s be honest - it’s probably the only thing I HAVEN’T looked at in the past few years…..
RC 14-1-14
After weeks of dreading it, ignoring it and trying desperately hard to forget about it, I have decided to embrace my impending birthday and make the last week of my twenties truly memorable.
The turn-around happened yesterday. I was over at Ted and Beryl’s to watch the World Darts Final with him, and Beryl was bringing out her usual neverending supply of snacks and ‘leftover Christmas chocolates.’ I was trying to be sensible and not eat too much in case I felt ill this morning and I just suddenly thought “what am I doing? Why am I letting a work meeting TOMORROW dictate how I am going to behave TODAY? If I AM ill in the morning I can just call in sick. What difference would it make really? And do I care?”
As soon as I had that thought, I felt better. And I had another few pieces of shortbread and then finished off Beryl’s mince pies. She was worried they might be past their best (they were made on Christmas Eve) but there’s so much alcohol in them I should think they’d have been alright for decades.
Ted got the hump with me because Stephen Bunting won the title. I’d tipped Alan Norris to win way back in the First Round and it turned out Ted took my advice and put a bet on him. “That was a fair chunk out of my pension, you bastard” he said to me.
I said “Well what the Hell do I know? I watch darts about once every six months, you shouldn’t listen to me. I’m about as much use as a tipster as a puddle is as a racehorse”
We then sat in silence for ten minutes, both trying to work out what I’d meant.
But at least it stopped the argument in it’s tracks.
RC 13-1-14
Soon I am thirty
Will my life feel different?
Or just my number?
Is life just a dream?
Sometimes it’s like I’m asleep
All my waking hours
Love is a strange thing
It melts away like butter
If you let it cool
Supermarket work
Is drowning in an ocean
Of consumer shite
Life is not too bad
If I tell myself often:
“Soon it will be Spring”
RC 10-1-14
I suppose, in any relationship, there will be ups and down and peaks and troughs and swings and roundabouts and rainbows and rainstorms and hopefully, if you stick together, it all evens itself out in the end.
What I’m trying to say (after pausing for breath after typing that long first sentence) is that Philippa and I once again seem to be on an even keel. We are being pleasant to each other, and not picking at each other, and starting to enjoy each others company again.
We have finalised plans for my birthday. (did I mention I turn 30 later this month??)
I’ve booked a good few days off work. Philippa and I are going to have a weekend away at what sounds like a lovely luxury hotel with a nice health spa, and then on Saturday 25th we’re having a huge night out in Norwich. It’ll be a few days into my thirties, but that’s the first available date that Sophie and Tamara and Hannah and Nathan are all free to come out and party. On the Sunday - and this really has touched me more than I could ever express - Ted and Beryl are having one of their big family get-togethers in my honour! Beryl said “We all want to celebrate with you. As far as we’re concerned you are part of the family, so you get the same birthday treatment as the others.” We had a big cuddle and both wiped away tears of genuine emotion. Later on Ted said “Beryl loves catering and there’s no family birthday in January, so she’s latching onto you as an excuse for a gathering”
But even his ego-deflating phrases cannot burst my bubble on this one. I feel cherished and loved and I shall thoroughly enjoy it all……..
RC 9-1-14
Tomorrow is the last day this Winter where the official Sunset time is BEFORE 4pm….
RC 7-1-14
It turns out it’s all my fault. I’m moody and difficult to live with because I’m dreading the onset of my thirties. Actually, in all the fun and games and moody atmosphere, I’d forgotten it’s nearly my birthday, but I’ve always loved it when people use pseudo-psychology to shift the blame away from themselves.
Ignoring all that and being positive - this is the first January for years that we haven’t been shivering under snow, and I’ve got tomorrow off, so I can open that tin of luxury chocolates I got for Christmas, drown myself in decent red wine, stay up late to watch the NFL play-off highlights, and then walk it all off when I get up tomorrow afternoon.
Happy times….. If you ignore the unhappiness…..
RC 6-1-14
Philippa and I are still having silly little arguments every day, but at least we’re back in the same house. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. Whatever I try seems to be infuriating her at the moment. Maybe she’s been unsettled by the moving, and then by Christmas. Maybe, as suggested by a helpful Lotto stand worker during lunch today, her biological clock is ticking so loudly that it’s keeping her awake at night. Maybe if I simply impregnate her she’ll cheer up a bit and start speaking to me nicely again. I really don’t know. We’re into that aspect of relationships that I never bought the manual for.
My default setting in these circumstances is to hide in the world of games and only peek out when she’s in a good mood, but I’m trying really hard not to do that. But it’s all very unsettling and unpleasant.
I’ve always thought, though, that every problem can be solved by imbibing the right amount of alcohol, so I’ll leave it there for now and make my way to the Chardonnay.
RC 3-1-14
It’s twenty-fourteen
I wish you Happy New Year
and hope you don’t die
RC 2-2-14
