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I’m writing this from the managers office at work, where I am pretending to type up some important information while actually hiding from a ridiculously busy Sunday on the supermarket floor.
Isn’t Easter Sunday supposed to be a holiday?
Aren’t folk supposed to be relaxing at home, or hiding eggs in the garden, or clearing up the vomit from their kids over-indulgence? Why is everyone and his mother out shopping???
Bloody people.
As soon as I post this blog I’m going to look online for some panniers for my bike. I don’t suppose the weather will improve enough for me to ride it, but at least it’ll look a bit sexier.
Another month gone by, then! It’s hard to mark time because every sodding day is the same, with the same sodding overcast sky and the same sullen look on people’s faces. The year is a quarter over already for God’s sake. Next thing you know we’ll be having manager’s meetings about merchandising mince pies and Yule logs.
Man, I need a new job.
Anyway - I may not have blogged every day in March, but I’ve certainly smashed my record for number of posts in a calendar month.
30 posts in April, anyone???
RC 31-3-13
I went for a long walk today. I got fed up with waiting for the temperature to get above freezing before I ventured outside again, so I just put on a hat and some gloves and went for it. Now I have cramp and I can’t stop shivering. I think I may be borderline hyperthermic. I think I may post this blog and then sink into a large hot bath and then sink into a warm bed with a large mug of hot chocolate. And I bet I still wouldn’t warm up until August.
I’ve decided to stop trying to convince myself that Spring is on the way. I’m sick of the daily disappointments and the daily covering of snow, so I’m just going to expect it to be subzero for another six months and then if we do eventually have a mild day I’ll be surprised and excited.
I think we have to accept that this is probably the way things are going to be from now on. Long, dark, cold Winters that last from September to April; then the odd week of bright weather interspersed with constant downpours and dull, grey skies. Summer will be a forlorn hope, or a distant memory. Spring flowers will vanish from the British landscape and days on the beach will become the stuff of legend from days gone, just like the millions of species we’ve evaporated with our incessant greed and industrial advancement. Global warming is officially still a myth, but I think even the most stupid, arrogant or fossil-fuel-company-bought scientists would have to agree that we’re already living with it’s effects, and it’s only going to get worse.
In case you hadn’t guessed by now - I’m having one of my doom days…
RC 30-3-13
Eggs and chocolate
Celebrating Christ dying
A strange thing to do..
I’m sure that Easter
Used to appear in the Spring
When did it all change?
The date for Easter
Seems to change every year
What a stupid world
Easter date changes
Was Christ a time traveller?
Does his death-date move?
Don’t buy Easter cards
They are just card companies
Exploiting Jesus
RC 28-3-13
Snow in March
What the Hell is going on?
Winter depression in mid-Spring
Why is this happening?
Why can’t I hibernate?
Wouldn’t it be nice, in late
October, to pack myself away
for 5 months and a day
and wake up, smiling, in Spring?
Wouldn’t that be a thing?
Mind you - Spring is now as Winter used to be
so that’s no good for me
Maybe I should sleep for 11 months each year
and only wake up for the two weeks that we see the sun appear
But how to get my timing right?
You can’t trust the forecasters - they’re shite
So maybe we should give up on ‘em
like I’m about to give up on this poem
RC 27-3-13
I hate to go on about food again, but when I taste fresh strawberries and kiwi fruit together, that’s when I know there is a God.
This must be the longest, darkest Winter ever. The weather is still Antarctic, but we’re just days away from British Summer Time. One day I will realise that as I’ve survived this Winter without topping myself, I can probably survive anything.
Our minds aren't designed to cope with modern life and we're constantly being conditioned to want more and expect more of ourselves; therefore when we don't get what we think we want or achieve what we think we should achieve we feel unfulfilled and inadequate.
9 months from today it’ll be Boxing Day
..and some free advice for men
Things You Can Say To Your Girlfriend That Are Guaranteed To Upset Her:
“Men just aren’t designed for marriage”
“I’d like to use your clitoris as a nose-rest”
RC 26-3-13
I’ve started putting custard on everything.
I get a bit obsessive sometimes about foods I like, and our supermarket own-brand low-fat custard has certainly got me hooked. I’ve had it on corn flakes, toast, jacket potato, crumble, salmon and grapefruit.
It’s become a bit of a challenge now - to find something that it doesn’t go with - and so far I haven’t found a thing.
We sell them in packs of eight at work, and I now have a kitchen shelf full of it at home. (some of which I even paid for!)
Philippa thinks I’m insane, or possibly pregnant. As she gave up having sex with me a while ago, I guess it must be the former.
RC 25-3-13
I’m going to take up magic!
My drumming is going nowhere as I can’t afford a drum kit and I don’t have anywhere to put it and even if I did Philippa would kill me after one day’s practise at home.
I like to learn new skills and I need a new pastime besides Wii and shopping on eBay. I’ve been thinking about it for days, and even considered joining the local bridge or bowls clubs; but as I’m under 60 I decided to give those a miss.
Then - at 3am this morning, on the back of a dream about being on stage with Paul Daniels and suddenly realising I was naked - it came to me as a flash of inspiration. I was so excited I woke Philippa and said “I’m goin to be a magician!”
She hit in the chest and said “I thought the house was being burgled or something. Go back to sleep you ****ing turd.”
She’ll change her tune when I’m on “Britain’s Got Talent”
RC 23-3-13
TheLoveMachine refused to start this morning so I had to get to work via public transport.
Waiting for the bus to arrive was like standing in an Arctic Roll.
Spring, my arse…..
RC 22-3-13
Remember to take the first letter of each word to spell out the subject of the poem:
Maybe after rain comes heat?
Soon, perhaps, rain is nowhere? Good!
Beautiful little alert creature keeps bobbing in random directions
Helping others until Summer echoes;
Soon I think, there is new ground
I need fluids, love, uplifting, energy, nourishment, zest, antibiotics..
I don’t have influenza, by the way, just a creative mind that wanders
RC 21-3-13
I drove another wedge into my relationship with Philippa last night. My business class was cancelled due to the tutor being ill with flu, so I took advantage of the situation by drinking lots of wine and drunkenly blogging about childrens names. What I should have done, according to my beloved, is take advantage of the situation by tidying the house a bit and then picking her up from her sports club. She did not, it turns out, expect to come home at 10pm to find me dribbling pissed in the kitchen with sunglasses on, playing air guitar to The Proclaimers.
Heated words were exchanged. Philippa made some good points; I made some ill-advised remarks that made sense to me at the time, and so I spent all night on the sofa, and all day today trying to get the house spotless by way of an apology….
RC 20-3-13
Yeah, I’m still drunk, and I’m still thinking:
DEFINITELY ON THE ‘YES’ LIST
Samantha
Tabitha
Jessica
Rachel
DEFINITELY ON THE ‘NO’ LIST
Brenda
Jezebel
Hermione
MIGHT CONSIDER AS A MIDDLE NAME
Annabel
Tinkerbell
Angel
Tamara
Actually, those last four sound like a really good name if you put them together: “This is my lovely daughter - Annabel Tinkerbell Angel Tamara Chesworth”
I’d better stop this now or Philippa will think I want to impregnate her.
RC 19-3-13
I must be drunk, because I’m thinking of names I might like to use for my children:
DEFINITELY ON THE ‘YES’ LIST
Christopher
Flynn
Alex
Benjamin
Albert
DEFINITELY ON THE ‘NO’ LIST
Jonathan
Andrew
Colin
Caspar
Rory
MIGHT CONSIDER AS A MIDDLE NAME
Dumbledore
Ephraim
Ethan
Todd
MacKenzie
RC 19-3-13
Will the Spring weather ever appear?
Or are we doomed to spend our lives bathed beneath a blanket of grey?
Hovering in the gloom between Winter and Summer, as the rain lashes against the windows the way piss lashes against the urinals in the staff toilet at work?
Has March always been this wet and windy?
Or are we being given a special treat this year?
Suffering sub-zero temperatures as an inverted reward for celebrating the Queen’s Jubilee so happily?
Are we being punished?
And if we are, why am I adding to everyone’s punishment by punishing them further with this punishingly painful poem? A poem that uses the word ‘punish’ in its many forms way more often than it uses any recognisable structure or talent?
Should I go back to writing limericks?
Should I limit myself to haiku?
Should I give up on everything for always?
Should I…?
Happy St Patrick’s Day, by the way…
RC 17-3-13
God knows what I ate last night, but this is the dream that resulted:
I was sitting in the middle of an electrical shop, riding an exercise bike to raise money for charity. It was all going well until a group of hooded youths turned up and started throwing half-peeled satsumas at me while singing a One Direction song. Suddenly, on the screens of all the televisions there appeared a video of Philippa telling me she was leaving me because I was fat and ugly. The video ended with her riding off on a jet-ski with Daniel ‘Harry Potter’ Radcliffe, and then the video went back to the start and played again. I couldn’t stop crying and I just wanted to get off the bike and go home, but the manager of the shop was standing behind me shouting “Don’t give up, bitch. We haven’t raised a hundred quid yet.” The manager, by the way, looked uncannily like one of The Hairy Bikers from TV (although I can’t remember which one)
Then, typically of dreams, I realised I was naked and everyone was laughing at me.
I’m not sure I ever want to sleep again…
RC 16-3-13
Should I start teaching?
Do I want to spend my life
With mouthy children?
Winter has dragged on
But now, finally, it’s Spring
And I can cycle!
We have a new Pope
His name is Francis the First
Shame he’s Catholic
Blackbirds are vicious
Today I saw two fighting
Over an apple
At some point last year
I must have eaten horsemeat
And that’s fine by me!
RC 15-3-13
Philippa and I discussed the teaching idea last night. It turns out I’d need to do a full school year of training to qualify, and Philippa says she is more than happy to support me through that year. If we continue house-sitting our outgoings won’t be too bad so we should make it through that year without going bankrupt!
Philippa then drifted off into this fantasy future where I start training in September, which means I qualify next Summer, which means I start working as a teacher next Autumn, which means she can get pregnant and give up work within two years from now…
It always comes back to motherhood with women, doesn’t it?
One way or another, their maternal gene takes over and dominates their life. If they’re not taking on care work and wiping old people’s arses, they’re buying stupid little dogs and treating them like their infants.
I’m so glad I have a penis.
RC 14-3-13
So much for blogging every day in March..
Anyway - the weather is awful and my mood is even worse so please don’t think bad of me for not having much to say.
I have a day off today which is nice, but is also miserable, as it’s too cold to go outside and I’m stuck indoors on my own. I may have a sniff through Philippa’s underwear drawer later just to pass the time. Then I might have a big lunch, followed by an afternoon of American Football on the Wii. Yes, that sounds like a good way to spend the day, and I can feel myself cheering up after deciding on that course of action!
I had an interesting conversation with Tamara last night. I called to speak to Sophie but she was at work. Just as well really - I was fed up with having yet another sore throat and was calling to take advantage of her training as a nurse to get some free advice, which is a bit unfair and tantamount to taking advantage of her, so I’m glad she was out in a way.
Anyway - Tamara and I were chatting away about work stuff, and I was boring her with my ongoing misery about the supermarket, and after a long back-and-forth about ‘what I really want’ and ‘what I can really achieve’ she suddenly said “Why don’t you think about being a teacher?”
At the time, I laughed. But I lay awake in the wee small hours this morning (which is always welcome on the one day this week I don’t have to get up for work!) and I started thinking “Actually - why don’t I think about it?” So somewhere in between the knicker-sniffing and the football-playing I’m going to spend a bit of time online, researching how to become a teacher.
Suddenly, it seems like I have a busy day ahead. So I’d better bugger off and get on with it!
RC 13-3-13
It’s still snowing in Norfolk, and today is colder than any day was in January, so I am still in a bad mood. I have employed reverse psychology upon myself and rather than moan on about the weather YET AGAIN, I have written a poem in appreciation of it:
Snow is beautiful.
It enhances the landscape in the way that make-up enhances a woman.
It is cold, and yet it brings warmth to the hearts of millions.
It can be sculpted, melted, eaten, thrown, enjoyed, loathed, dreaded and anticipated.
Sometimes it looks like a Christmas card.
Sometimes it looks like the top of a birthday cake, waiting to be licked and swallowed.
Sometimes it looks like God has ejaculated a man-load over the countryside.
It is many things, to many people.
But always, always, it is here….
Alright - well I said I’d written a poem, I didn’t say it was good.
RC 11-3-13
This is my 900th blog posting!
900 blogs in 61 months, at an average posting rate of 14.75 blogs per month
I did start to work out how many total words I’ve written, and which day of the week I blog on most often, but even I’m not that obsessive…
My chesty cough cold-thing disappeared mysteriously overnight, which I’m pleased about. I was expecting to wake up full of snot and coughing my lungs up, but none of that materialised. Maybe I just needed some sleep. The weather has been behaving like a petulant teenager for the last ten days so it’s not surprising my body has reacted strangely. I am nearly thirty now, so I can’t expect my old bones to cope as well as they used to in extreme weather.
March 10th and there’s been swirling snow showers outside all day, with more expected in the morning. I have dealt with all this by refusing to look out of the window and pretending to myself that it’s 16 degrees C with blazing sunshine. What’s the use of having an overactive imagination if I can’t use it to make myself feel better once in a while? Some people would call it ‘a sensible distraction from the harshness of Winter in Norfolk.’ Others might call it ‘an example of a coping strategy applied by an insane mind as a way of removing itself from reality’ but I don’t like those people.
I have to work the dawn shift tomorrow and I’ll probably be driving on ice to get there, so I’m off for yet ANOTHER early night now. I swear - I didn’t even sleep since this much when I was a baby.
RC 10-3-13
It’s the second weekend in March.
I should be enjoying the lengthening days, watching the buds and blossom as they start to appear, and looking ahead to the Spring with the optimism of a new-born King. Instead I am sitting in bed with a chesty cough, with the garden outside waterlogged and a covering of frigging snow on the hedges.
No wonder I feel like throwing myself out of the window.
RC 9-3-13
Good news... and other news..
We've been accepted onto the books of the house-sitting agency.
They find sitters for several people in David's company, and two other local businesses as well.
Just over a year ago, I didn't even know this kind of thing existed, now it turns out there's lots of it about.
Within hours of that news, and with Philippa finally climbing down from the tenterhooks on which she'd been spending life, we heard from Becky in Hong Kong. There is a chance that they may stay out there for another six months, and if they do, would we consider staying on in the house for a bit longer?
Philippa wants to say yes, because she hates saying 'no' to anyone (apart from me, when I'm feeling amorous) but I pointd out that we've booked a holiday in the Summer, and part of the deal with David and Becky was that we wouldn't bugger off anywhere and leave the house empty. So there'll be a few discussions in the next 48 hours or so, as Becky wants to know by Monday, even though they haven't said 'yes' to extending their stay yet.
Confusing, no? If this is the kind of chain that affects you when all you're doing is house-sitting I hate to think what it'll be like if we ever try to buy.
And the other piece of life-shaking, earth-shifting news to reach us in the past 24 hours - our estranged mother has contacted Hannah via facebook, asking if she can add her as a friend.
I'll give you one guess what the answer was....
RC 8-3-13
I have a bad head
So all I can offer you
Is this crap haiku
RC 7-3-13
I’ve noticed that, in the past week of so, I’ve been posting some very short, snappy, sincere, succinct blogs. Well that’s one way of putting it; another would be to call them short, stifled, self-absorbed and shit. So it’s time to start making more of an effort and giving you much more to read. Which I’ll do tomorrow, as I’m rather tired.
For now, I shall leave you with this thought:
“Trying to understand a woman is like trying to eat a banana with a toothpick”
RC 6-3-13
Having said I wouldn’t do a Blog Challenge… I might do a Blog Challenge. This is the fifth day of March, and it’s the fifth day in March that I’ll be posting a blog. It’s almost as if a pattern is forming. I’ve threatened this before, but never carried it through - how about if I write a blog post EVERY DAY during a calendar month? How about if I do it in March???
Anyway, while we wait for that challenge to fall apart the way all my other ones have, I shall share with you a wonderful fact that I discovered today. I know I occasionally make things up and pass them off in this blog as fact, but I swear this one is true:
The first President of Zimbabwe was called Canaan Banana.
RC 5-3-13
I’m going to go to the doctors about my ongoing neck/back/shoulder pain. I’ve tried paracetamol, ibuprofen, heat pads, nurofen gel, ibuleve, ice packs, hot water bottles and stretches and it still hurts like hell any time I move it.
What is it with me and shoulders? If they’re not covered in badly-spelt tattoo ink they’re aching like buggery and stiff as a sailor.
RC 4-3-13
I’m giving up on any kind of Blog Challenge. I’ve been thinking about it for days and I’ve got nowhere. It’s March for God’s sake! It’s a bit late to be committing to something that is basically just a New Year’s Resolution. I’m going to forget all about it and post when I feel like it and what will be will be.
All this has shown me once again (as if I needed reminding) that I am not happy at work, and not taxed mentally while I’m there, so my mind wanders off looking for things to distract it form the horror of my working reality and to give itself something to focus on to help through the boredom. Maybe it’s time I did something to change that. Either get a new job or start taking tranquilisers, perhaps.
At least, if nothing else today, I’ve reminded myself that BOREDOM is an anagram of BEDROOM.
Strange, no?
RC 3-3-13
I might change my Blog Challenge again. I might do a mad ‘bounce back’ thing where I spend six months counting down through odd numbers then six months counting up through even numbers. So my number of postings per month at the end of 2013 should read 21, 19, 17, 15, 13, 11, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22.
God, I need help…
RC 2-3-13
Philippa and I booked a holiday this morning. I wanted to have two weeks in Tunisia; we ended up agreeing on a 5-day caravan stay in Clacton.
Welcome to Married Life, Rory…
RC 1-3-13
