New Year is coming
My sister is moving back
And I am happy
The end of a year
Through a blur of work and love
I survived again!
Two thousand and twelve:
Twelve months of awful weather
and some house-sitting
Review of the year:
The Olympics came and went
and it rained a lot
Happy New Year all
May your life be as happy
as a pig in shit
RC 31-12-12
1315 GMT
I am somehow not working tomorrow, and Philippa’s sports club have a rather large party planned for tonight. So I am going to get incredibly drunk, and I fully intend to start 2013 by being violently sick in a hedge somewhere…
RC 31-12-12
0815 GMT
We had a punch-up at work the other day. Someone was trying to help themselves to a packet of cut-price chocolates and got shoved in the back by a disgruntled husband who was unhappily being dragged round the aisles by his wife. The One Who Was Pushed reacted by saying "If you want these biscuits that much you can have 'em mate" and slapped him across the face with the packet, and next thing you knew it was like 1am outside a nightclub.
Stuff got damaged, the police were called, and it all got a bit unsavoury really.
I was delighted, I have to be honest. As the nearest member of the management team to the incident I had to fill out all the paperwork, which kept me in the office and away from the shopfloor for most of the afternoon and evening. I may start paying people to come in and cause trouble on all my shifts - then I can spend all my filling in forms and might never have to face the public again!
Christmas was very nice, but a bit unexciting. Most of our celebrations will come later on when Sophie and Tamara move nearby and we all have a belated Christmas all together. Philippa and I enjoyed The Big Day alone in our Big House. I overcooked the sprouts and made them like bullets but apart from that it was all very pleasant.
I can only hope that your Christmas Day was as relaxed as mine, and I shall leave it there for now..
RC 29-12-12
Work - finished.
Shopping - done.
Wine - poured.
Food - delivered.
Life - good.
Have a fantastic Christmas, my friends. I’ll see you on The Other Side Of The Madness..
RC 23-12-12
Now Philippa wants to be pregnant before her 30th birthday.
Here I am struggling to survive work until Xmas and she’s busy planning the rest of our lives..
RC 22-12-12
Philippa wants to get married on my 30th birthday.
She says we should book the date now (January 2014) and then take our time thinking about what to do with it. I already know what I want to do with it - get drunk for my birthday and wake up somewhere with a hangover; and preferably still single.
RC 22-12-12
I’ve finished all my Christmas shopping!
I sat up until 2am this morning, cutting off labels and disguising things and wrapping them up and hiding them. I also ordered all our groceries and they’re being delivered on Sunday. I did the whole thing online and the website kept freezing but I persevered and survived despite it‘s best efforts to break me. I’m tired now, but I’m very glad it’s all done and dusted. The next few days at work are going to be hell with a capital H-E-L-L, so the last thing I needed was the threat of having to panic-buy last-minute presents hanging over me. I’m not convinced everyone will like what I’ve got them but I can’t worry about that now. And I’m sorry if that sounds un-Christmassy but sod it. I’ve been hearing “Fairytale of New York” seven times a day for a month now and it’s pushing me towards The Samaritans….
RC 20-12-12
I’m still in Haemorrhoid Hell.
I haven’t checked up my arse with a mirror, but I bet it looks like a burst red grapefruit.
I called NHS Direct for some advice today. The lady said “I know it can be uncomfortable, but as long as you’re not passing blood there’s no need to worry..”
I said “How long can this go on for?”
She said “They normally clear up within two weeks”
I said “Jesus, I can’t take this for another fortnight…”
To distract myself from the horror, I’ve written a Christmas poem:
Philippa and me
and a Christmas tree
That’s how perfect life can be
Swapping gifts
and a mistletoe kiss
Life doesn’t get much better than this
A walk in the snow
A Christmas glow
and fat men shouting “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
A Winter cheer
A glass of beer
and me standing up all day to alleviate the pain up my arse because it feels like I’ve been raped by a bear..
Damn it, I was doing so well…
RC 18-12-12
Feels like a tumour
Hard to believe it’s only
ruptured blood vessels
Why are they called piles?
Coz they fill your body with
Piles of agony
Swollen veins like grapes
Internally, painfully
causing Rory grief
Philippa is great
But my real love right now is
Preparation H
Christmas is coming
All I want from Santa Claus
is a pain-free arse
So much discomfort
Feels like a big-booted thug
Kicked me in the hole
Each toilet visit
Is like passing razor blades
Or shitting acid
RC 17-12-12
I did a poo this morning that was like someone pulling barbed wire out of my arse. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that haemorrhoids are a minor condition.
In more pleasant news - we had a nice afternoon with Ted and Beryl today. Beryl was doing one of her pre-Christmas new-food-project try-outs. She did some grilled mushrooms with a port and stilton sauce and I swear to God it’s the nicest thing I’ve ever tasted…
Things will be a bit different this year as they’re not holding their usual big family party on Christmas Day. They’re away visiting relatives ‘while we can still get about alright’ so Philippa and I have decided to have the big day at home alone. I know it goes against the traditional concept of what Xmas should be - (surrounding yourselves with family and pissing each other off, as far as I can see) - but we’re looking forward to it. We did invite Nathan and Hannah over for the evening but they’re doing religious things, so stuff ‘em. Tom is planning to have a massive do at his on New Year’s Day so we’ll be there for that, and apart from that I’m mostly working. Bastards. Our supermarkets slogan should be “We’re killing Christmas for our over-worked staff…“
Festive cheer is not snowing deep in Roryland this year, as you may have noticed…..
RC 16-12-12
I haven’t been cycling for months and I’ve still ended up with haemorrhoids. Apparently once you’ve had them once you have a weakness in your anus that can be re-aggravated by poor diet or straining on the bog or even cold weather. I don’t understand it exactly but I can certainly tell you it’s painful. It feels like I’ve got a rhino up my arse.
I read my Employee Handbook and piles aren’t listed on the chart of acceptable medical reasons for missing work - even if they are the size of grapefruit and hanging out of my arse-crack like baubles on a Christmas tree. I still might call in sick though. These beggars are itchy, and if I stand on the supermarket floor scratching my hole with a biro they’d soon send me home, I’m sure.
Oh well - back to the comfy cushion.
RC 15-12-12
I wanted to throw a party today and get drunk.
I’d misread all the crap about the Apocalypse and thought the Mayans had predicted the world would end on 12/12/12. I sat up until midnight waiting for the sky to fall in and once it became the 13th December I felt calm enough to go to sleep without the fear of waking up dead..
So this morning I asked Philippa if we could have a party to celebrate being alive and she said “You’re a week early, sweetness, the Mayan End-Of-The-World in on the 21st, not the 12th”
Great - now I have to face another week of fear and dread and runny nerve-shits.
RC 13-12-12
We went to the football last night. It was foggy, then it was boring, then Norwich lost 4-1 and everyone went home early. I’ve been told I’m a bad omen and I’m never allowed to go again, which is fine by me.
I was late for work today because TheLoveMachine span on some black ice and skidded into the hedge. No damage to car or driver but I was a bit shaken up so I took my time driving the rest of the way. I was supposed to be there in time to meet the delivery trucks but someone else had to do it, so I got hauled into the office for a bollocking. I thanked them for their sympathy and understanding and was told “If you know the weather’s bad you should make sure you leave early” I asked them if they would have paid me for the extra journey time and they told me to leave the office before I talked myself into more trouble. Our relationship is disintegrating quicker than a cube of sugar in a hot cup of coffee. Speaking of coffee, I’ve bought Ted and Beryl a rather posh coffee maker as a Christmas present. And also speaking of coffee, I am going to go now and put on the kettle for the purposes of making that very hot beverage of which I speak.
RC 12-12-12
December the eighth..
Seventeen more days until..
SEXY CHRISTMAS DAY!
Work is busy now
But I just switch off my mind
And dream of a beach
If it was Summer
I would be cycling daily
But now I just drive
If Father Christmas
Fancies taking a year off
I’d take the job on!
When I was little
Christmas was about mum’s drink
And her awful men..
Philippa and I
Celebrate two years of love
On this Christmas Eve!
I’d like it to snow
It makes it feel more festive
And I can skive work!
RC 8-12-12
Just three weeks and then the awful Christmas supermarket rush will be over….
Meanwhile, I am continuing to press my case for having every Tuesday off in early 2013 so I can attend a course. Graham said “Speak to me about it in January” I said “That’s no good, the course starts in January, I need to know this week.” He said “Talk to me in January.” I do love our one-way conversations; it’s almost like we’re married.
I think I’ve been remiss and not actually told you what the course I’ve signed up for is, have I? If you’re Graham, or someone else who knows me from the supermarket, it’s called “Modern Day Big Business and How You Can Work Within It” For everyone else - it’s called “Self-Confident Self-Employment - Everything You Need To Know To Start Working On Your Own”
It’s Tuesday evenings only from January until June. I can’t bear the thought being at the supermarket for the next 6 months, so I’m still looking for other potential employers in the meantime. I’ve got a few things I’d like to aim for in the New Year. Armed with advice from Sophie and Tamara, I’m still thinking about trying my hand at some care work. I know it’s not for everyone, but it can’t be worse than what I’m doing right now, can it? Given the choice, I’d rather be wiping people’s arses than directing them to the soup aisle.
RC 7-12-12
We have a bizarre night out planned next Tuesday and I’m not sure whether to look forward to it or dread it.
Tom (remember Tom? Philippa’s uncle? My old boss? ‘The Wallpaper King Of North Norfolk’???) has managed to get an executive box at Norwich City for their big cup match against Aston Villa. I don’t know which ‘big cup’ it is and I don’t know anything about ‘Aston Villa’ but apparently it’s Norwich’s biggest match for about eight years and Philippa is very excited to be going. I’m not sharing the excitement to be honest. Sitting in a 30-feet square room with an insane family while 25,000 drunks watch 22 men run around a lawn doesn’t fill me with any positive emotion at all. Mind you, there’s a free buffet and unlimited coffee so it might be worth showing up for a while. Philippa suggested we ‘make an occasion of it’ and book a hotel in the City. She said it would be a nice ‘pre-Christmas treat’ Unfortunately my kindly schedulers at work have got me starting Wednesday morning at 7, so that’s the end of that. My list of reasons for finding new employers is growing by the day…
RC 6-12-12
Just for a change, I’m thinking of lying to work.
I’ve found a course that I’d like to do at a local college. It’s only one evening a week, for three hours, but obviously my ’management shift pattern’ means that I’m guaranteed to be working at least one Tuesday evening a month so I’d miss quite a few of the lessons. If, however, I can convince work that the course itself would be beneficial to my future achievements within the corporation management structure, then they might be prepared to grant me every Tuesday off. The course starts in January so I need to get a move-on really. Trouble is, with Christmas speeding around the corner like an out-of-control juggernaut it’s hard to pin my superiors down long enough to chat to them. They’re far too busy having inter-departmental conflabs or video-conference-calls with their district-wide counterparts or having slap-up five-star meals at which they briefly discuss Christmas order deadlines to speak to the likes of me. Maybe I’ll swear at another customer tomorrow. I imagine Graham would want to see me pretty sharpish then, and I could mention having Tuesdays off during the disciplinary..
RC 5-12-12
Three strange things I’ve noticed about myself this week:
1) I am watching Jamie Oliver’s new show ‘15-Minute Meals’ without wanting to kill him or punch the television.
2) I am seriously considering a change in career path, and not just because I’m fed up with the supermarket, but because I genuinely want to find something I’m good at.
3) I’ve discovered the joy of just staying in on the sofa, cuddled up to the girl of my dreams. For the first time in my life, I am enjoying Greenwich Mean Time, and hoping Spring takes a long time to get here.
Odd……
RC 4-12-12